Should have listened to you guys

[hardchanges]

Hi, I posted about my relationship 4 years ago: Feeling overwhelmed

You guys gave great feedback... and I didn't listen to any of it, I was stuck thinking things could work out. You can guess I regret that.

We're broken up now, but here are some highlights since my last post:

• I continued to pay full rent, groceries, bills, and vacations (she offered here-and-there)
• I helped her with many school assignments, sometimes doing 100% of them
• She wanted a job at my company. So I got her hired. She caused problems in 2 departments. She then wanted to transfer to my line-of-work. So I bought her resources to study and learn. And then I hired her underneath me. She consistently gives me attitude, always angry that I'm not "doing enough" to help her advance, and frequently "lacks motivation".

I put up with all of this, because when we weren't bickering, we enjoyed each others company and mutual hobby.

Of course, the pandemic happened.

I work hard. Day and night. I can be called old-fashioned, but I value the money I make and try to save it. I didn't follow stocks at the time the pandemic started. So she resented me for not investing my money in stocks when they plummeted, and always made sure to remind me of this. "We could have gotten so far ahead if you had invested". I didn't follow stocks. I do now, because of this experience. But she would not let me forget. So she wanted to manage my money and invest it for me. After yelling at me for weeks, I relented and gave her a substantial amount to invest. Moving large sums of money is uneasy and difficult for me, as I work-to-save. I have since lost money on this investment.

She hated my apartment during the pandemic and wanted something different. I pay below-market rates for a large unit. It's older and not beautiful, but it's spacious and functional. And I'm paying all the rent. First she wanted to move to a cheaper city. Signing a new lease anywhere meant paying more than what I currently pay.

Next, she wanted me to buy her a house, under her name. Because that's what her friend's partner did. So I should too. Housing it very hot in my country. The metropolitan areas is vastly overpriced, under-supplied, and bidding wars are insane. We weren't going to afford anything close-by without significant financial stress, so we found more affordable prices on the other side of the country. I'll admit the prices were attractive, and had me interested. Her parents pulled the trigger first, and bought a property. Now it was my turn. I began getting cold feet. I told her that after thinking it through more, it's going to be difficult for my career, let alone leaving my parents and siblings behind. I was called the worst names. I apologized to her parents that I couldn't move. She broke up with me. And then came back. And proceeded to yell at me for weeks.

She decided she will move with her parents. We talked about long-distance, we talked about visiting. After the move, I visited for a whole month. It was pleasant at first. Then she started picking fights with me, and then with her parents. She wanted to move back with me. Then she wanted me to help her buy a house near her parents, to show I'm serious.

I returned home by myself. And appreciated the space to myself.  The angry texts began pouring in for days. We decided to take a break. The angry texts still came through for weeks. She wanted to see other guys. Because I wouldn't take the plunge, my time had passed and she is no longer interested.

Now she sees other guys, swears like a canon, and her personality doesn't resemble anything like the girl I dated. She still gives me attitude at work. And I wasted money for years supporting this relationship, and now I'm single in my early 30s.

 I wish I listened to you guys

Edited October 26, 2021 by hardchanges

[chillii]

Sorry fella but what on earth possessed you to do all that stuff for her all that time when she was obviously not only not a very nice person at all , but only half in it , if even that,  anyway.

Edited October 26, 2021 by chillii

[ExpatInItaly]

I would take a long time to yourself, to figure out why you essentially parented her, and lacked any sort of ability to draw boundaries with her. 

It's good this is over but you have a lot of inner work to do to sort out your own role in this dysfunction. Only then will you be equipped to choose a suitable and healthy partner for yourself in the future. 

[Lisa]

Closed at request of OP