Rejecting an offer after an 'Oral agreement'

[electric_prune]

Hello,

I am currently on my last year of my Masters. In order to get my degree , I need to do a six month internship and successfully defend a thesis at the end.

I have been looking since September for a suitable place where I could write my thesis. I applied in an another country and also in the country where I live to two offers , one in the other country was not confirmed (the supervisor didn't confirm that I would get a salary) and a second one in a big , expensive city in the country were I live. Both topics were interesting.

I was still discussing the details of the internship of the #1 offer when the #2 replied and suggested to have a meeting. It went fine and at the end the supervisor told me that they would send me the paperwork to fill in.

The following week , #1 supervisor sent me a topic that I found quite far from my major (he had confirmed by then that I would be paid), I was then ready to send the paperwork for #2. After exchanging emails , #1 came up with a new interesting topic that I really want to work on. 

A few days later and after thinking for days (and nights) , I sent an email #2 saying that I was sorry but I found another opportunity. I was baffled to read a reply saying that I was an unreliable person and that I am not suitable for the research world because of that. Moreover , she said that it was maybe a good idea that I rejected the offer. Bare in mind that I rejected the offer two weeks after the meeting and three months before the beginning of the internship. I am really sad about what the supervisor said and It really hurt my feelings. I can't eat and don't feel like doing anything anymore.

Is this normal? I thought that , as long as nothing was signed , I could decline an offer.

[glows]

Professionally, no. It's not acceptable. It sounds like you made the right choice with #1. You need a much thicker skin to move on eventually into the real world or obtain employment in academia. Discard what #2 said and be proud of yourself for how far you've come. Stay focused on the topic for #1 and do your best.

[Foxhall]

1 hour ago, electric_prune said:

I am really sad about what the supervisor said and It really hurt my feelings. I can't eat and don't feel like doing anything anymore.

I would not worry about it,  you are never going to please everyone and will face criticisms along the way,

Its not as if you have to accept the first offer , your entitled to time to weigh up your options and make the best decision for you.

Its only business at the end of the day- its about advancing your career, not pleasing people.

[clia]

Your title states "rejecting an offer after an oral agreement," which leads me to think that you orally accepted the job offer at the meeting, and then rejected two weeks later.  If that's the case, then I don't blame her for being upset.  An oral acceptance is still an acceptance of the offer, which constitutes an agreement.  It's actually common in employment situations to have a verbal agreement before the written details are  provided.  And "sending you paperwork to fill in" sounds like more than just sending you a job offer; it sounds like what you do when someone has already accepted the job.  So, in her eyes, you've backed out of the agreement.  

Quote

 I thought that , as long as nothing was signed , I could decline an offer.

Technically you can reject an offer that you've already accepted, but you have to be smart about how you handle it because -- as you found out -- there is a cost/benefit analysis to it and it can impact your reputation.  Hopefully your field is not a "small world" and you didn't ever plan to work for this company.  In the future, negotiate some time to consider an offer before you accept it.   

[electric_prune]

21 minutes ago, clia said:

Your title states "rejecting an offer after an oral agreement," which leads me to think that you orally accepted the job offer at the meeting, and then rejected two weeks later. 

I was expecting her to ask me if I had other offers or to suggest me a few days to think about it. I understand it wasn't the smartest move but man her words were harsh. I am still not over it. Thankfully , it's not a small word.

[Nothanks]

This is not that uncommon in my experience.  You get to decide what is best for you….at any time. Employers know that people come and go and change their minds. It can be frustrating for an employer  to go through the process, think you have found the right person and then get turned down.  So you just have to manage the situation as professionally as possible.  You apologize and explain that while you appreciate the offer, a better opportunity came up.
 

So what if she is disappointed…she will get over it.  As long as you conducted yourself professionally, that is all you can do.  As far as her casting doubt on you character, that sounds like sour grapes to me.  Her reaction imo is unprofessional.  Don’t let her comments get you down. You have a new job to look forward to.  Best of luck.  

 

 

[Nothanks]

I think that any discussion about whether an oral agreement was reached in this case and whether it is legally enforceable (good luck with that) is totally irrelevant. A person can change their mind and decline an offer.  The employer’s insults were unprofessional and unnecessary.  The OP should not spend another second thinking about the harsh words from someone who is no longer relevant to their life and instead stay positive focussing on their future and future employer. 

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have been on both sides of this. Personal insults are never OK, regardless if you quit your job after 2 days, 2 months or withdraw the offer. It is within your rights to do so. If the other party feels that you broke a legally binding offer, they are free to pursue that path without personal insults.

I have couple of times resigned from jobs few months into a role - jobs were misleading from the interview and weren't right for me. I was polite when I resigned and was careful to make it seem that the company wasn't the problem. Both times I was shocked by the reaction. Manager number 1 yelled at me and told me "You will not get away with this.". Second time, after zero on-boarding or attempt to include me into meetings and team while working remotely, when I resigned, manager told me that I am the "lowest of the low", how I wasted his time (he never replied to any emails or spent to time with me) and how this will haunt me for the rest of my career (he was wrong).

IMO managers should try to understand what happened. Really put their ego aside and ask questions in why the decision was made and try to make sure that it doesn't happen again with other new starters. In the case of OP and the offer, I would probably ask why she thought the other opportunity was better suited and see if there is anything that can be done to match, then wish her well.

[Alvi]

On 10/25/2021 at 2:09 PM, electric_prune said:

A few days later and after thinking for days (and nights) , I sent an email #2 saying that I was sorry but I found another opportunity. I was baffled to read a reply saying that I was an unreliable person and that I am not suitable for the research world because of that. Moreover , she said that it was maybe a good idea that I rejected the offer. Bare in mind that I rejected the offer two weeks after the meeting and three months before the beginning of the internship. I am really sad about what the supervisor said and It really hurt my feelings. I can't eat and don't feel like doing anything anymore.

Oh wow, sounds a bit over the top. If that's how they react, I suppose you were lucky to dodge that bullet. 

One time, years ago, I was looking for a job and had tons of interviews. Once company finally offered me a job and I said accepted. I didn't sign anything at that time. But as luck would have it, the very same day another place phoned me and offered me a job. The second company was actually the place that I wanted to work at, I was hoping that they would offer me a job and was very happy that they actually did. Anyway, I phoned a first place and explained to them that I  accepted another job offer. Thanked them for their time and apologized for any inconvenience that I might've caused. They understood and wished me well. 

On 10/27/2021 at 12:39 AM, Eternal Sunshine said:

I have couple of times resigned from jobs few months into a role - jobs were misleading from the interview and weren't right for me. I was polite when I resigned and was careful to make it seem that the company wasn't the problem. Both times I was shocked by the reaction. Manager number 1 yelled at me and told me "You will not get away with this.". Second time, after zero on-boarding or attempt to include me into meetings and team while working remotely, when I resigned, manager told me that I am the "lowest of the low", how I wasted his time (he never replied to any emails or spent to time with me) and how this will haunt me for the rest of my career (he was wrong).

My goodness, that was very harsh, indeed. Talking about verbally abusive people.  Luckily, I never had to deal with any of that. Every single time that I quit, my superiors were very understanding.