Woman from OLD had lots of common friends/activities but I'm not interested in dating her. Ask her to be friends?

[max3732]

Went out with someone I met online and it turns out she's best friends with someone I knew in school and knows a bunch of people and parents of people I went to school with and also goes to some of the same activities and places that I do. On paper that may sound great, but I didn't feel any chemistry with her personality/mannerisms and know it wouldn't work for dating. 

As she was getting in her car she asked me to do an activity next week and I said something like "we'll see". I didn't really know what to say.

Since the date I haven't contacted her at all since I'm not interested.

She seems to be very social and knows a lot of people (including other single women) and goes to all kinds of events and is basically well connected. Some of the people she knows also know my parents and neighbors. Like I said she also likes a lot of same activities and restaurants I do and I wouldn't mind having another friend to do things with, but I'm not into her romantically. I'm also likely to run into her since she's joining one of the groups I belong to and plays the same sport.

So I really want to do this right. The mom of her best friend (who I went to school with) is even in a club with my mom. This isn't someone I can just forget about since I'm probably going to run into her or people that know her again and again.

[Pumpernickel]

3 minutes ago, max3732 said:

I wouldn't mind having another friend to do things with

..... and there's nothing wrong with that. After all, you don't know how she feels. She might feel the exact same way.

OLD is for meeting people. The likelihood of meeting the one is low (OLD or not), and if you like her OK, why not start a friendship?
The high expectations on finding a perfect romantic relationship through OLD will eventually lead to disappointment. If you're smart, you treat OLD like the perfect opportunity to meet new people you "like". I think that's enough of an expectation to start out with, and you'll never know what might develop later on. 

[smackie9]

Just tell her you didn't feel any chemistry but would enjoy hanging out again sometime.

[Ami1uwant]

Why did you not have interest?

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, max3732 said:

On paper that may sound great, but I didn't feel any chemistry with her personality/mannerisms and know it wouldn't work for dating.  I wouldn't mind having another friend to do things with, but I'm not into her romantically.

That's ok but  you need to level with her that you view her as a friend.

[basil67]

There's no harm in asking, but it sounds like she already has a full load of friends.  

[glows]

The "we'll see" answer is fairly non-committal and disinterested enough. I would think most would already understand that as "no, not interested, thanks". Coupled with the fact that you are not contacting her or asking her out it should be glaringly obvious that you do not wish to date.

Is she messaging or calling you? If the answer is no, let it be. You may be overestimating her interest in you.

[max3732]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's ok but  you need to level with her that you view her as a friend.

That's what's tough. If she agrees to do an activity I'm going to say something about that. It's just kind of awkward trying to figure out how to say it. I'm going to try though

4 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

Why did you not have interest?

A whole bunch of reasons. She's smart, has a great family, very stable, very involved in activities, etc. Just her looks/personality and some of her beliefs also are not in line with what I'd like in a gf/wife. Also I didn't have fun on the date. She was very serious the whole time and seemed annoyed when I tried to have fun with basic banter/jokes.

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

There's no harm in asking, but it sounds like she already has a full load of friends.  

That may very well be. If she says no I won't be devastated. 

 

[basil67]

If you didn’t have fun on the date and your humour didn’t resonate, why would you want to hang out with her socially?

[ShyViolet]

I think it would be weird to ask her to be friends.  She met you in a dating context.  After you basically rejecting her, don't assume that she'd welcome your offer to be "friends" as a consolation prize.  It's best to just do the slow fade away and leave it alone.  Since she is in some of the same circles as you and there is a chance you could run into her someday, don't end things on bad terms or block her, or anything like that.  

[chillii]

Exactly what l say around here when people start sprouting that the only people using date sites are people with no life , desperate and ra ra ra. Yet she's on one , and look at her social life. l've known heaps of people like that yet, still single. So why not try a date site. Just making that point because l get so sick of pointing it out yet look at her.

Anyway , tricky , do you even want to be friends with her ? Or is it just the possibilities of meeting someone else through her ? lf you do then you'll probably have to talk about it and come clean, unless she's not interested too and it just all falls into a friendship anyway , or acquaintances.

[max3732]

8 hours ago, chillii said:

Exactly what l say around here when people start sprouting that the only people using date sites are people with no life , desperate and ra ra ra. Yet she's on one , and look at her social life. l've known heaps of people like that yet, still single. So why not try a date site. Just making that point because l get so sick of pointing it out yet look at her.

Anyway , tricky , do you even want to be friends with her ? Or is it just the possibilities of meeting someone else through her ? lf you do then you'll probably have to talk about it and come clean, unless she's not interested too and it just all falls into a friendship anyway , or acquaintances.

Almost all my friends are married so it would be great to have someone else to do things with that's single and not worried about their kids/spouse. So I think doing some things together as friends might be fun. 

I also think that she could be someone that could help introduce me to more people

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, max3732 said:

 I think doing some things together as friends might be fun. I also think that she could be someone that could help introduce me to more people

If she thinks you're dating only to find out you're not really into her and just using her as a vehicle to meet other women, this won't end well ...as friends or anything else.

[elaine567]

12 hours ago, max3732 said:

. Just her looks/personality and some of her beliefs also are not in line with what I'd like in a gf/wife. Also I didn't have fun on the date. She was very serious the whole time and seemed annoyed when I tried to have fun with basic banter/jokes.

How could you possibly be her friend and how could you possibly have fun with her?
 

21 minutes ago, max3732 said:

I also think that she could be someone that could help introduce me to more people

Ah... so you just want to use her... classy...

[vla1120]

Has she contacted you? Is she trying to get you to go out again? If so, then you need to just level with her and tell her it would be great to see her again in a social setting, but you don't think the two of you are compatible for dating. Considering she doesn't seem to appreciate your sense of humor and you are incompatible in other ways as well, I don't think she'll be crushed. 

[Sun Seeker]

No, you should not be friends with her just so you can meet other women through her. That just shows your lack of confidence.

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, max3732 said:

Almost all my friends are married so it would be great to have someone else to do things with that's single and not worried about their kids/spouse. So I think doing some things together as friends might be fun. 

I also think that she could be someone that could help introduce me to more people

 

if you want to use her to get to her friends shouldn’t you be concerned the friends are similar to her?

[mark clemson]

There's nothing inherently wrong with becoming friends with her AND (in addition, not ONLY for purposes of) seeing if she has some friends she can set you up with.

They say 50% of job offers are attained through networking, and it wouldn't surprise me if some substantive % of dates/successful relationships were attained in exactly the same manner.

[Calmandfocused]

I don’t think that you should ask her to be friends. Personally I’d find this insulting. 
 

She’s not looking for friends, she evidently already has lots of those. Shes looking to date. However you don’t want to date her. 
 

Do the respectful thing and let her go. 

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

 

Forget all the people she knows. Who cares who she knows? Mothers sometimes set up their (adult) kid for dates, and the kid comes back and says, "I'm not interested." That's the story of the world. 

They're not going to look askance at you because you didn't fall in love with some random member of their network. Are you kidding me?!

Boundaries--your ONLY consideration, ONLY!, is do you want to go out with on a second date or not? And the standard is 90+ percentage yes compared to doubts. You're at about 30 percent. Yes, it was awkward that moment in the car when she asked you to the activity. I gotta say though: I wasn't sure that was a second date request. I thought that might have just been a "join me at an activity" request. 

If you really want to go to the activity, you have to tell her up front that you didn't feel any chemistry.  But quit feeling like you're in a jam--you're not. Do you look down on members of your network where one person wasn't romantically interested in another? No you don't. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

I don’t think that you should ask her to be friends. She’s not looking for friends, she evidently already has lots of those. Shes looking to date. Do the respectful thing and let her go. 

Agree. Apply the golden rule about doing unto others.  It's a schmuck move to ask her to fix you up with other women and use her for that. Find your own dates.

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, max3732 said:

also think that she could be someone that could help introduce me to more people

Oh I see because she knows a lot of people if you hang out with her you will meet more women.  If this is what you have in mind it's best to choose a guy from those groups to hang with.  This woman has already shown interest in you and you've rejected her.  She will resent any interest you show to her other girl friends and will possibly block you at every turn.  

[Johnjohnson2017]

On 10/25/2021 at 10:50 AM, max3732 said:

Went out with someone I met online and it turns out she's best friends with someone I knew in school and knows a bunch of people and parents of people I went to school with and also goes to some of the same activities and places that I do. On paper that may sound great, but I didn't feel any chemistry with her personality/mannerisms and know it wouldn't work for dating. 

As she was getting in her car she asked me to do an activity next week and I said something like "we'll see". I didn't really know what to say.

Since the date I haven't contacted her at all since I'm not interested.

She seems to be very social and knows a lot of people (including other single women) and goes to all kinds of events and is basically well connected. Some of the people she knows also know my parents and neighbors. Like I said she also likes a lot of same activities and restaurants I do and I wouldn't mind having another friend to do things with, but I'm not into her romantically. I'm also likely to run into her since she's joining one of the groups I belong to and plays the same sport.

So I really want to do this right. The mom of her best friend (who I went to school with) is even in a club with my mom. This isn't someone I can just forget about since I'm probably going to run into her or people that know her again and again.

Don't tell her you are not interested.

Act in a way that she will put you in the friendzone. Don't be romantic. Don't act interested. Be polite but don't show interest in a romantic way.

Eventually you will be put in the friendzone. She has plenty of friends so she's the type that likes having friends. I don't think she would mind another friend added to her list. 

You can still hang out with her one on one. Just don't hold hands and don't hug/kiss (obviously). No sex talk (Obviously)

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

if you want to use her to get to her friends shouldn’t you be concerned the friends are similar to her?

More than likely he's thinking some of them are hotter than her.  He's probably seen some of them at other events already and wants a chance to get next to them.

Edited October 26, 2021 by stillafool

[max3732]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. Apply the golden rule about doing unto others.  It's a schmuck move to ask her to fix you up with other women and use her for that. Find your own dates.

I agree. The thing is I don't have a lot of single friends to just hang out and do things with. I would never want to just use sometime to meet other people. Like I mentioned we do have a lot of common interests so it might be fun to hang out and pursue those interests. Just not in a romantic or dating sense. Do you think that's wrong?