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My Journey in Polyamory, Compersion and dealing with insecurity & jealousy

Fox Sake

By Fox Sake
in Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

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Fox Sake Established Member

Fox Sake

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7 hours ago, JRabbit said:

Your posts have changed dramatically in a short time, and even looking back this seems to be a pattern with you. You give yourself away entirely to be something for a person you fancy who isn't right and then move onto the next rather quickly.   Have you every considered counselling regarding relationships?

Hey Jrabbit. Thanks for your response. I’m in a much better place now. 
let me give a little more clarity on where I’m at. I promise it will be interesting 😂😅 I’ve had a few days now to think over all of this properly. 
 

I’ve literally done a “dear diary” at every turn of my thoughts on here so no wonder my head looks all over the place- it has been!  
I know I look like an arse to some people on here and that’s okay, cos life is one big lesson and I’m owning it. 
I didn’t need to write a lot of what I wrote but I’ve already given so much away of myself in this thread that for the sake of the experiment, the people studying the thread, how much effort I have put into being open about this and the few people that know me IRL that lurk here , I’m going to keep going.  

I think I’m maybe just having a mid life crisis 😂…half kidding!  Not only have I obsessively taken up skateboarding again after 10 years off but I’ve gone through these incredible emotions finding out about polyamory the last while and then met someone awesome who isn’t into that and it blindsided me cos we are actually seemingly compatible romantically. 

 

Polyamory helped me deal with some emotional things I had never dealt with before and I think it was a benefit as I still do not get needlessly jealous and insecure anymore. 
I’ve finally learned to let that monster go. I do however still feel insecure at times if I don’t feel desired or validated, or scared of my emotions when I feel like someone could be “the one” . 

So I was happy with my new discovery about myself. I still am. I then meet an amazing girl who I AM attracted to on multiple levels- that doesn’t happen for me but a handful of times in my life. I like her :) 
So I think someone can still be poly and still not have the desire to be with other people If they find enough of something in someone compatible. 
 

She asked if I would stop being poly if we were together. Not something I would normally have considered given how it’s made me feel and said she would have to be the right one for that to happen.

I think there’s potential there….Meanwhile , we get along like a house on fire and I can’t see myself desiring anyone else. I feel quite lucky to have bumped into each other.  If anything I think that’s a good thing and if you live your life on coincidences like I do, then it’s feels apt/fitting. 

I can see where you’re coming from but let me clarify that I was not falling for the poly girl at any point! I was falling for the lifestyle and she was my introduction.   We have a beautiful connection of friendship like some sort of soul mate - but it’s not romantic. It is however empowering.  
And yes I did get my heart trampled by someone LD that I was talking to for a year. It’s been a busy 3 months for Fox 😂 but it’s not the norm. 


I don’t know if counselling is going to help if I’m honest. I’ve always been best at sorting through these things myself over a period of time. I don’t feel as lost as I did the other day, I’ve just been on an adventure of self discovery and it’s been truly one of the most enlightening points of my life. 

This is my counselling if I look for it. I use LoveShack and I discover what I can about myself not only through others responses but also through my own writing, feelings and self reflection. I don’t think there’s anything counselling can do or say that I can’t find out about myself or read about from someone else.  It is a journey and I’m feeling quite good about it all…I know, I sound like an odd duck and I probably am given that I’m a Fox 😂
 

 

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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I think of emotions as road signs. So wouldn't turn them off. The good, the bad, the ugly. 

For example if my gut is telling me "this sucks" I listen. 

That's not to say self-discipline isn't a good thing. We all have to do stuff we don't want to. 

What I'm talking about is being in tune with your own personal feelings. For example envy or jealousy. It tells us there's a difference in what we want and what we have.  Or anger. It tells us something feels unjust to us.

So. Rather than drown out negative emotions, as unpleasant as they are, listen and let it guide you.

 

 

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JRabbit Established Member

JRabbit

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wow...you said a whole lot without really saying anything at all.  Talking in circles with excuses for everything in the parts I could understand.

Everyone can benefit from therapy. To think you won't is probably a good indication you aren't really in touch with your true self and issues here or maybe you're a narcissist and think you know better than everyone in the world hahaha

While you can surely get joined up with the wrong therapist, the right one will be life changing, actually life changing, unlike meeting someone and thinking they are changing you and your life because they make you excited.

The intensity you feel when you hardly know someone is actually a bad sign, its a sign you can't form a healthy emotional connection.  You can't possibly know someone after knowing them a week or two.  You shouldn't be changing who you are every week because you fancy someone intensely.  Your threads outline several women and all have apparently brought this out in you. It's the same reaction every time.

You said you come here for therapy but you don't really consider what is being said unless it's in agreement with the outcome you want.  You said you are doing fine without it but are you really, from your posting history here it doesn't seem so. You seem a bit lost and hopefully you will consider looking into the patterns you create. If you don't want to see a therapist there are a lot of good videos online about this stuff that is free and you can maybe get some insight on your actions and give you the desire to explore further.

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Fox Sake Established Member

Fox Sake

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21 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

wow...you said a whole lot without really saying anything at all.  Talking in circles with excuses for everything in the parts I could understand.

Everyone can benefit from therapy. To think you won't is probably a good indication you aren't really in touch with your true self and issues here or maybe you're a narcissist and think you know better than everyone in the world hahaha

While you can surely get joined up with the wrong therapist, the right one will be life changing, actually life changing, unlike meeting someone and thinking they are changing you and your life because they make you excited.

The intensity you feel when you hardly know someone is actually a bad sign, its a sign you can't form a healthy emotional connection.  You can't possibly know someone after knowing them a week or two.  You shouldn't be changing who you are every week because you fancy someone intensely.  Your threads outline several women and all have apparently brought this out in you. It's the same reaction every time.

You said you come here for therapy but you don't really consider what is being said unless it's in agreement with the outcome you want.  You said you are doing fine without it but are you really, from your posting history here it doesn't seem so. You seem a bit lost and hopefully you will consider looking into the patterns you create. If you don't want to see a therapist there are a lot of good videos online about this stuff that is free and you can maybe get some insight on your actions and give you the desire to explore further.

If you interpret what I say as saying nothing, then that’s on you. I honestly can’t be more clear and totally honest to the point I’ve felt incredibly vulnerable, with what I’ve written. Ive shown all my working at every point and of course you’re going to push my buttons because I’ve told you where they are! It was inevitable someone would😂

My life is in a good place right now. I shared what I’ve learned about myself and and how it’s helped me deal with certain issues. 
I’ve been over some bumps and big questions , but what is life without that? 
 

Genuinely it is most of the time- a positive and happy place to be. that’s why I got so pissed that you were saying I needed counselling cos I fall hard for people. I’ve been single for 6 years Jrabbit. - cos I hadn’t met anyone that gave me that feeling!

I’m busy saying I feel like life is rewarding me , and you’re busy telling me I’m broken. Which makes you look like you’re being generic with your fall hard response and how it’s unhealthy. Last time I had this feeling I screwed up the relationship by looking elsewhere. I’m not doing that again. And if the only thing I get from my poly journey is to let go of insecurities and jealousy then that a win as far as I’m concerned. It’s making my life and relationships better already. 
 
Your opening line reminds me of someone I know overseas….She used to do the whole “wow” thing and loved to try and make me question my sanity and value, especially when I felt like was in a good place and working through things on my own. 

You know your message has a rather angry cold tone? I wonder if that’s because apparently just like me , you also don’t like reading things that don’t align with your views or understanding ? Or just because maybe you’ve never actually met anyone like me before.  And I’m allowed to say that because I have 3 exes who are psych majors and 2 of them , their parting words were that they couldn’t figure me out.  
 

I consider everything that is being said. I have shown humility many many times on this forum so I have no problem taking on other people’s advice when I ask for it. If you knew me as well as you suggested then you would know that. 

The problem is - You are not accepting my views tho or who I am, because they don’t align with how you work and think that people who are “emotionally healthy” should be like. My emotional health comes from my empathy and compassion. I’m a feeler. Always have been and always will be. 

I feel like you want to try point out that I need fixed or need therapy , when really I’m just going through life and learning as I do. If I was down and depressed and full of anxiety then I think you would make a good point about getting counselling , but I’m actually doing well and I’m a good place and it just feels like you’re trying to drag me down to a less happy place in myself and that is really odd to me.   

I would hate to go through life not ever knowing what it’s like to fall crazily for someone unique. Whether it works or not that’s an exciting moment. 
 

 

 

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glows Established Member

glows

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Ok.  I did the short version of the quiz. 100% switch 98% voyeur 87% experimentalist were the top three for me.

You are open and happy with your journey, Fox, finding peace and harmony, also in seeking answers and being content with yourself. The majority of individuals are monogamous so are operating within those limits. I think if you feel good about yourself, that is all that matters.

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Girl Fade Away Established Member

Girl Fade Away

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On 11/22/2021 at 4:37 PM, Fox Sake said:

Polyamory helped me deal with some emotional things I had never dealt with before and I think it was a benefit as I still do not get needlessly jealous and insecure anymore. 

Hello @Fox Sake.  I hope you do not take offense but your posts confuse me as well.  The above quote about polyamory, maybe I am missing something but did you actually venture into this lifestyle, experience it?   It sounded more like you met a woman you became very attracted to, SHE was polyamorous and for that reason, you would try it on.  The relationship did not pan out, you have since met another woman you became attracted to, she is NOT polyamorous and now suddenly you are no longer polyamorous either?

Again I apologize for my confusion and question if I have missed something.  I have read your posts a few times and this is my takeaway from them.  Thanks.

 

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Fox Sake Established Member

Fox Sake

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46 minutes ago, glows said:

Ok.  I did the short version of the quiz. 100% switch 98% voyeur 87% experimentalist were the top three for me.

You are open and happy with your journey, Fox, finding peace and harmony, also in seeking answers and being content with yourself. The majority of individuals are monogamous so are operating within those limits. I think if you feel good about yourself, that is all that matters.

Thanks Glows ☺️ Appreciate you taking part and keeping an open mind! More than that tho…I appreciate you taking the time to show a little understanding into how I operate within myself. Thank you. 

I’ve no idea where this journey will take me , or if it was all just for me to learn something from.

Either way, it’s all come down to this moment. I have a shot with someone I actually really like and had I not been through this experience then I for sure by now would have issues creep up like they have in the past. Maybe this is all a lesson, maybe it’s all a gift. I will find out in due course😇☺️

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Fox Sake Established Member

Fox Sake

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38 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Hello @Fox Sake.  I hope you do not take offense but your posts confuse me as well.  The above quote about polyamory, maybe I am missing something but did you actually venture into this lifestyle, experience it?   It sounded more like you met a woman you became very attracted to, SHE was polyamorous and for that reason, you would try it on.  The relationship did not pan out, you have since met another woman you became attracted to, she is NOT polyamorous and now suddenly you are no longer polyamorous either?

Again I apologize for my confusion and question if I have missed something.  I have read your posts a few times and this is my takeaway from them.  Thanks.

 

No offence taken. 
I didn’t say I was no longer polyamorous. 
Ive delved into it, and then almost came full circle again. For me it was a huge emotional lesson on dealing with insecurities that were unfounded and out of my control. I had them for years!

I realised that what attracted me to it all was it put me out of my comfort zone and challenged my way of thinking and forced me into dealing with something uncomfortable. It ended up becoming enlightening. the poly girl was just the catalyst for change and our connection isn’t romantic but is powerful. I still stand by it’s one of the best and most empowering lessons I’ve ever been through. 

To clear up the new girl , I have met someone who makes me not even want to give another woman a thought or so much as a glance. : For some that looks crazy, for me it’s a crazy coincidence after 6 years of being single and not meeting anyone who made me feel like that….I get that opportunity again …WITH my new lessons I’ve learned about unfounded insecurities.  I would be a fool to pass the opportunity up.

Whether I went through all this poly journey just to learn how not to be insecure like that anymore, or maybe it was my way of giving in to life because I didn’t think I would find anyone I liked anymore  , I don’t know. No one does.  You can still be poly and not have any want or desire for anyone else if your primary partner fills all of your desires. You don’t HAVE to go or waNt to go after people just cos you’re poly. There aren’t any rules.  It’s just down to me and my mind, how I view it all and my own boundaries and rules. I would like to think I know enough about the right things to do in relationship that the one I DO decide to have , I will do it well and it will be equally reciprocated not matter what stage it’s at.  

All I know is right now , I really like someone and I feel like I’m one of the better more secure versions of myself that I have been for many years and it’s this whole journey that got me here  :) 

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Girl Fade Away Established Member

Girl Fade Away

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On 11/19/2021 at 8:28 AM, Fox Sake said:

I’m now questioning myself entirely. I met someone NEW who made me question if I really was as Polyamorous as I thought. She isn’t, and honestly I think she’s absolutely amazing and we seem to get each other.

Thank you for clarifying @Fox Sake.  The above quoted is where I assumed (mistakenly) that you no longer considered yourself poly.  Or was at least questioning it.  Based on this new girl you have met with whom you have developed a deep attraction who is NOT poly.   In any case, you have explained, again thank you because it must be tedious having to explain this many times over, I know how frustrating that can be.

I wish you luck on your journey!

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Fox Sake Established Member

Fox Sake

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14 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Thank you for clarifying @Fox Sake.  The above quoted is where I assumed (mistakenly) that you no longer considered yourself poly.  Or was at least questioning it.  Based on this new girl you have met with whom you have developed a deep attraction who is NOT poly.   In any case, you have explained, again thank you because it must be tedious having to explain this many times over, I know how frustrating that can be.

I wish you luck on your journey!

No you weren’t wrong , at that point I was questioning myself too.
Cos who wouldn’t?! I mean it has been one mad beautiful journey for me from the start of this thread to now. A lot of unusual things have happened. I have grown. Anyone would question themselves. It’s natural.
I still am questioning myself occasionally but then remember , it’s only because of feeling like the need to classify myself as something . I don’t need to. I’m just me and I’m a product of my past and experiences in life.  This has been one of them. 

I concluded in myself that it was actually okay to feel confused and that it was only others judgment of me that I was fearing, cos people love to attach labels and pigeon hole. Then I found peace when I remembered that it’s okay to want what you want! If I do t want anyone else then , that’s okay! In fact it’s actually pretty good news as far as I’m concerned. 

I have grown regardless of whether I ever approach a poly relationship again or not. I know I have the capability and the communication to do so properly and have confronted by biggest issues in the process. 

Right now I’m happy with what I have learned and experienced. It’s all led me to now 
 

Don’t be afraid to ask if something isn’t clear :) your questions were genuine! It’s me who hasn’t been clear at times, but the journey across new territory never really is…this thread has seen me go through it at ever thought. 

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HolySmokesBatman New Member

HolySmokesBatman

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You can’t really know someone in that short of a time to be basing your life choices on them. I’m new here and it is confusing because you do contradict yourself a lot just in this thread alone.. I think everyone here wants you to be happy but it seems like if you have an idea in your head anyone that disagrees or offers a different outlook is wrong in your eyes. Isn’t that what this forum is for? Helping others see more then just their own view?

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Fox Sake Established Member

Fox Sake

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3 hours ago, HolySmokesBatman said:

You can’t really know someone in that short of a time to be basing your life choices on them. I’m new here and it is confusing because you do contradict yourself a lot just in this thread alone.. I think everyone here wants you to be happy but it seems like if you have an idea in your head anyone that disagrees or offers a different outlook is wrong in your eyes. Isn’t that what this forum is for? Helping others see more then just their own view?

Hey there - Your concerns

Of course you can’t really know someone in that time. I don’t disagree with that! 
I’m not basing my life choices off of them tho (not yet), I’m just embracing the feeling that I’m quite happy with what I’ve found. And that’s okay! I don’t know why that’s so hard to get …I’m excited and at peace.

  
And yes there has been contradictions , I spoke about them as I felt them and then posted again as I worked through them. This has all been very confusing for me too at various points , but I’ve had a lot of good from it. Maybe you missed those parts.  I don’t feel broken , just misunderstood and highly judged on here, cos my life is falling into place one way or another and everyone’s like “omg you’re falling apart ” 😂

Let’s address my issues with not agreeing with others.

I Think you’re talking about a few single people here but anyways, I don’t mind disagreements, we are all different and all have different core values. I’m an empath by nature by the way so you’re kind of preaching to choir about putting myself in others shoes man … I feel everything. 

What I DO mind is the judgment,  feeling and design purpose that was put into the way a response is constructed. If I’m at peace and happy and someone starts making me question my own happiness all of a sudden that’s just stupid. Why would anyone want to bring someone down when they’re feeling up?! Nah ahh. No ones having that power over my happiness on the internet.  I see it happen all over LS - peoplE putting fear into others.   I think I’m very fair in my responses and respond accordingly especially if people start getting into my character for the attack cos that’s just sloppy.  

It may not be obvious to you when someone on the forum doesn’t think much of you or someone else - or try’s to shame you/them, or bully you, or doesn’t respect you , or looks down at you , or thinks everything is black and white and you’re just bonkers,  but to me it is. I won’t let anyone online drag me down when I’m feeling up and I won’t watch other people get bullied or shamed unfairly either. 

There’s a doom and gloom / high horse  clique on here that follows the same BS abc on how they think people work. It’s getting old.  It’s like they studied the Manual to fix a petrol engine and don’t get people are running on diesel, or f***ing rocket fuel. We don’t combust the same.

And when they can’t figure you out anymore they just get uncomfortable and say “go for therapy” cos they’re out of constructive advice or their comfort zone (fine if someone is likely to hurt themselves). I’m sick of everyone pulling out the “go for therapy” card. Sometimes it’s needed but I feel in this situation it was just dismissive to my positive and inquisitive outlook.  So yeah In those moments you will see me stand my ground and I’m right to do so. 

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