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How to get out of the friendzone with ex


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Posted
10 minutes ago, Midwest27 said:

Personally, I would not have any issue with restarting things with any woman I have dated. Even if things ended badly, I can always quickly revert back to remembering the better times and how they made me feel before.

This is not necessarily a healthy thing either, though. 

Relationships often end for legitimate and important reasons. Overlooking those things in favour of the good times can be risky and can mean you wind up right back in something that didn't work the first time around. It speaks more to a lack of insight and boundaries than anything else if you would date someone with whom the relationship ended badly. 

As such, it isn't really about having an issue rekindling things with an ex - it's about recognizing why it didn't work and when there's no good reason to try again. Yes, I would say you are wired differently from most if you have trouble understanding that and realizing that many lose interest in exes for valid reasons. What's more, if this woman ended it for a minor reason (as you put it) then chances are that she wasn't be totally honest with you about why she broke up with you, and simply wasn't feeling it anymore. Things often fizzle around the 6-month mark when we get to know someone better and perhaps realize we are not as into them as we thought. 

In any case, you have learned an important lesson here: when someone is cold and aloof, it means they're not interested and it's not your cue to keep trying every trick in the book to get them to like you again. It's your cue to bow out gracefully and move on. 

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Posted (edited)
22 hours ago, Midwest27 said:

Good day loveshack,

 I try to hint that I am still interested in her she doesn't appear to be very receptive. It has been 6 months since I have started talking to/seeing her again and this is really starting to take an emotional toll on me since I am still in love with her in a lot of ways. I am running out of patience and don't think this is something I can keep up forever. I really just don't know what to do and could use some advice. I have followed all conventional wisdom (giving her space, not appearing needy, not trying to dwell on the past) but nothing has seemed to work. On the one hand I feel like it is quite possible I am wasting my time/youth trying to rekindle a relationship that died a long time ago, but then I wonder why she is still receptive to seeing me knowing I still have romantic feelings for her. I know she is not dating anyone currently, but this whole thing just has me so confused and I really can't read this situation at all. 

You are only confusing yourself. It's pretty obvious she's not interested in seeing you romantically. Now it's up to you to stop contact with her and move on with your life. Start fresh with someone new.

Edited by smackie9
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Posted
5 hours ago, Midwest27 said:

 Even if things ended badly, I can always quickly revert back to remembering the better times and how they made me feel before.

That is called "living in denial". You do yourself an immense disservice doing this. We're not living in the before---we're living in the now and 2 years have passed since "before". People can change A LOT in how they view past relationships in 2 years. Seems that's where she is. You're good for a platonic distraction, but not as a romantic/sexual partner that she wants to invest in again.

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Posted
7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is not necessarily a healthy thing either, though. 

Relationships often end for legitimate and important reasons. Overlooking those things in favour of the good times can be risky and can mean you wind up right back in something that didn't work the first time around. It speaks more to a lack of insight and boundaries than anything else if you would date someone with whom the relationship ended badly. 

As such, it isn't really about having an issue rekindling things with an ex - it's about recognizing why it didn't work and when there's no good reason to try again. Yes, I would say you are wired differently from most if you have trouble understanding that and realizing that many lose interest in exes for valid reasons. What's more, if this woman ended it for a minor reason (as you put it) then chances are that she wasn't be totally honest with you about why she broke up with you, and simply wasn't feeling it anymore. Things often fizzle around the 6-month mark when we get to know someone better and perhaps realize we are not as into them as we thought. 

In any case, you have learned an important lesson here: when someone is cold and aloof, it means they're not interested and it's not your cue to keep trying every trick in the book to get them to like you again. It's your cue to bow out gracefully and move on. 

I never really looked at it that way, but the way you put it makes a lot sense. I meant it more in the sense that if someone in my past was willing to try and make things work and try to change something about what made the relationship initially fail, I would hesitate to not give it a chance. For some reason, I felt that most people share this stance but it's not like I go around asking people this to get opinions. 

The more I think about it, I feel like the communication was bad on her end too (and still is). It stood out to me when she first said it because no one I have dated has ever said that to me. I felt like while we were dating that she expected me to read her mind. I was always very open about how I felt about her and how I felt our relationship was going, but I don't think she ever was with me. 

Like I said, I feel really taken advantage of by my last outing with her and won't suggest we meet again. 

Posted
8 hours ago, Midwest27 said:

I feel like the communication was bad on her end too (and still is).

This is another reason not to keep pursuing this. 

There's a deeper incompatibility here, and it could be borne of your mismatched interest levels as well. Someone who is really into you and wants the same thing (ie. to date you) is usually nautally more open to sharing, communicating, taking initiative, and so on. Spend your time and energy on someone who reciprocates, not someone you feel like you're pulling teeth to communicate with. 

Posted

She told you she wants a friendship first. Well a friendship goes both ways.  What has she done for you?  And I’m assuming you do not date your real friends either?  Neither of you are acting like each other’s friend.  Don’t waste your time in this torturous limbo.

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Posted (edited)
11 hours ago, Nothanks said:

She told you she wants a friendship first. Well a friendship goes both ways.  What has she done for you?  And I’m assuming you do not date your real friends either?  Neither of you are acting like each other’s friend.  Don’t waste your time in this torturous limbo.

She hasn't done anything for me and I think that is the thing that is making me ready to finally put this in the past. She is always completely walled off to me and how she acts now is very reminiscent of how she behaved towards the end of our relationship. Something about this weekend trip with her reminded me of one of our last dates where there was just so much tension. On top of that it almost feels like she looks for reasons to be angry with me. She called me for emotional support with something when I was seeing her more frequently over the summer and she got angry over me not really knowing what to say to help (she called me at a bad time as I had been awake for 24 hours working). I've really made an effort to try to understand her on a deeper level to at least see if there is some compatibility but she never opens up to me or let's me know what she is thinking. 

I should also mention, I am going through an extremely difficult time with work and don't know where I will have to move to next year. Because of this and the anxiety/depression that has accompanied that, I am not really looking to enter a relationship right now. I have told her this before. I guess I have just been trying to keep her in the loop in case my life stabilizes, I get to stay in the area, and I can date someone (or her) again. But I am not willing to compromise my dignity in the process and put in 100% of the work when she wants to put in none. 

Edited by Midwest27
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Posted

Focus on your work and employment then. Her getting angry with you for not knowing what to say is unreasonable and unkind. 

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Posted
On 10/26/2021 at 1:07 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

This is another reason not to keep pursuing this. 

There's a deeper incompatibility here, and it could be borne of your mismatched interest levels as well. Someone who is really into you and wants the same thing (ie. to date you) is usually nautally more open to sharing, communicating, taking initiative, and so on. Spend your time and energy on someone who reciprocates, not someone you feel like you're pulling teeth to communicate with. 

I understand. I will definitely not be pursing this farther and actually feel a little relieved about it. 

I have thought about it a bit over the past few days and realized that this is not my first time to restart a broken relationship. I have done this in one way or another with most of the women I have dated. One of them nearly drove me nuts with the gaslighting that ensued from the brief re-relationship I had with her. I really don't know why I do this. Maybe it's a fear of rejection/failure or being a reactive attachment type. I really want to stop doing this and have normal relationships with women like everyone else. 

Posted
1 minute ago, Midwest27 said:

I have thought about it a bit over the past few days and realized that this is not my first time to restart a broken relationship. I have done this in one way or another with most of the women I have dated. One of them nearly drove me nuts with the gaslighting that ensued from the brief re-relationship I had with her. I really don't know why I do this. Maybe it's a fear of rejection/failure or being a reactive attachment type. I really want to stop doing this and have normal relationships with women like everyone else. 

Then you have to stop trying to resuscitate dead relationships.

It sounds like you struggle to understand that people move on from their exes. Perhaps you're afraid of meeting new women after a break-up that was hard for you, but you can see that going backwards hasn't worked for you, either. 

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Then you have to stop trying to resuscitate dead relationships.

It sounds like you struggle to understand that people move on from their exes. Perhaps you're afraid of meeting new women after a break-up that was hard for you, but you can see that going backwards hasn't worked for you, either. 

I understand the concept that people do move on. I've just always found the thought of permanently losing contact with someone I've had an intimate history with sad/distressing so I think that is probably the biggest reason why I tend to try to resuscitate dead relationships. It has only served to erode my self esteem/respect over the years and is making my standards of whom I am willing to date drop lower and lower.  With the amount of literature there is about getting an ex back, and how popularized the concept is in media, I assumed that people commonly do this.

I really do understand how destructive it is now and how I will probably end up alone or divorced one day if I continue to do this.

Edited by Midwest27
Posted
4 minutes ago, Midwest27 said:

 the amount of literature there is about getting an ex back, and how popularized the concept is in media, I assumed that people commonly do this.

But they're not really resuscitated, more like recycled, living in the past and not letting go.

The first thing to do is stop googling "get your ex back"  scams.

Get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health, especially ruminating and obsessions.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

With therapy, you may be able to replace self-defeating thoughts and behaviors with productive and healthy thinking and actions.

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Posted (edited)
13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

But they're not really resuscitated, more like recycled, living in the past and not letting go.

The first thing to do is stop googling "get your ex back"  scams.

Get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health, especially ruminating and obsessions.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

With therapy, you may be able to replace self-defeating thoughts and behaviors with productive and healthy thinking and actions.

I've had a therapist for the past few months. I just am not very open about relationships during our sessions since I have some trust issues talking about things of that nature openly. Fundamentally I know what I do shows a complete lack of dignity and confidence so I find it embarrassing to bring up. I am a little prudish and don't like talking about things of a romantic/sexual nature with someone like a therapist (or probably anyone).

It is interesting that you brought up ruminating/obsessions. I have done this occasionally as well after a break up but it is usually transient and resolves after a few weeks of no contact. I always feel foolish about it after I regain my senses though.

Edited by Midwest27
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Posted
1 minute ago, Midwest27 said:

I have a therapist. I just am not very open about relationships during our sessions since I have some trust issues talking about things of that nature openly. 

Everything you discuss with a healthcare provider is confidential.

You're not there to impress anyone. 

If you don't have a a good rapport with a therapist, what's the point?

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Posted
7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Everything you discuss with a healthcare provider is confidential.

You're not there to impress anyone. 

If you don't have a a good rapport with a therapist, what's the point?

I suppose you are right. I don't have a lot of experience with therapy and don't know if some things are just off limits to trust with a stranger. As it is I divulge far more about my feelings/past than I otherwise have ever shared with anyone. Even those whom I have been in relationships with. Talking about these things in detail and how they have made me feel would really be pushing the limits of my comfort level.  

Posted

How is a therapist supposed to help you if you withhold so much?

 

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Posted
3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How is a therapist supposed to help you if you withhold so much?

 

I know it doesn't make sense and doesn't do much to help me. Something about it just feels so inappropriate to talk about especially since my therapist is a female.Just the idea makes me cringe and I really fear being judged. I generally don't want to risk saying something that might offend or just make her uncomfortable to hear. 

Posted
3 minutes ago, Midwest27 said:

. I generally don't want to risk saying something that might offend or just make her uncomfortable to hear. 

Ok. You need to get to a physician anyway for this level of anxiety depression obsessing and ruminating.

Ask for a referral to a therapist you're comfortable with. What you're doing is nonsense. You're not "protecting" a female therapist from your thoughts on relationships.

Since you have issues with women ask for a male physician and therapist.

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Posted (edited)
16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. You need to get to a physician anyway for this level of anxiety depression obsessing and ruminating.

Ask for a referral to a therapist you're comfortable with. What you're doing is nonsense. You're not "protecting" a female therapist from your thoughts on relationships.

Since you have issues with women ask for a male physician and therapist.

That comment about not wanting to offend does not really refer to my therapist being female (this is something I would try to do regardless), but definitely talking about things of a sexual matter to a female who I've only spent a combined total of 10 hours talking to is not something I feel comfortable with. 

I have been thinking about getting a new one for a while now anyway so maybe this tells me it is time to change. 

Edited by Midwest27
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Posted (edited)
On 10/24/2021 at 4:59 PM, Midwest27 said:

She broke up with me after a 6 month relationship nearly 2 years ago over communication issues

1 hour ago, Midwest27 said:

I've had a therapist for the past few months. I just am not very open about relationships during our sessions since I have some trust issues talking about things of that nature openly.

 

Communication is something you need to work on.

Edited by elaine567
Posted
38 minutes ago, Midwest27 said:

 I really fear being judged. I generally don't want to risk saying something that might offend or just make her uncomfortable to hear. 

She is a mental health professional. I guarantee you that your tendency to hang on to exes is small potatoes compared to other issues she’s helped clients deal with.

And I have a feeling you use this as an excuse (to yourself) to avoid opening up and being honest, because of the fear of being vulnerable. This seems to be a lot more about how much you judge yourself than how much you worry about making a therapist uncomfortable. 

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Posted
46 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She is a mental health professional. I guarantee you that your tendency to hang on to exes is small potatoes compared to other issues she’s helped clients deal with.

And I have a feeling you use this as an excuse (to yourself) to avoid opening up and being honest, because of the fear of being vulnerable. This seems to be a lot more about how much you judge yourself than how much you worry about making a therapist uncomfortable. 

I mean you aren't wrong at all and I agree that what you mentioned in your second paragraph is likely exactly what is going on with how I am approaching this. I really just don't want to talk about this nor admit any of the pathetic things I've done nor how comedically unfortunate my dating life has been. Because of this, I will say anything to avoid having to admit I am too weak/afraid to talk openly about myself. I feel like I do this subconsciously and am not even aware of it most of the time unless someone draws attention to it. 

Regardless, the result is the same with me just not being comfortable to talk about it and it serves as a barrier to me getting the most out of therapy. I think after this week I will search for a different therapist who I can establish more of a rapport with. 

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Posted

Also, in case this person reaches out to me again, is it best if I just ignore her or tell her how I really feel about things? 

Posted

You don't need to reveal all your feelings, no. It won't make any difference at this point anyway, as it is already very clear that you want her back. She knows. 

Simply tell her that being friends isn't working for you, and you prefer not to keep in touch. Wish the best and move along. 

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Posted
8 hours ago, Midwest27 said:

 tell her how I really feel about things? 

How do you really feel about things? Reflect on what you want from this. Formulate your thoughts. Be crystal clear. Then. See what she says.

Anything but a yes (as far as getting back together/having sex,etc.) is a no.

If that helps give you closure then lay the cards on the table so you can close this chapter cleanly and delete and block her so you can invest time in pursuing interested available women.

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