How to get out of the friendzone with ex

[Midwest27]

Good day loveshack,

I have started seeing my ex girlfriend as friends over the past several months. She broke up with me after a 6 month relationship nearly 2 years ago over communication issues and did not speak to me for over a year. I deeply regretted losing her as we had very similar backgrounds and goals for the future. I felt an immediate spark when I met her and felt our relationship ended prematurely. I heard from her earlier this year after she had returned a text I had sent following a death in her family many months prior. I called her shortly after, apologized for the way things ended, and said I still wanted to try and rebuild things with her. She says she wants to really work on being friends first which I agreed to. I have taken her on nice outings (and paid for all of them) but most of the time I am with her, she seems cold and not at all like the woman I had once dated. I have seen her several times over the past few months and really want her back but each time I try to hint that I am still interested in her she doesn't appear to be very receptive. It has been 6 months since I have started talking to/seeing her again and this is really starting to take an emotional toll on me since I am still in love with her in a lot of ways. I am running out of patience and don't think this is something I can keep up forever. I really just don't know what to do and could use some advice. I have followed all conventional wisdom (giving her space, not appearing needy, not trying to dwell on the past) but nothing has seemed to work. On the one hand I feel like it is quite possible I am wasting my time/youth trying to rekindle a relationship that died a long time ago, but then I wonder why she is still receptive to seeing me knowing I still have romantic feelings for her. I know she is not dating anyone currently, but this whole thing just has me so confused and I really can't read this situation at all. 

Edited October 24, 2021 by Midwest27

[Gaeta]

First you have to stop paying for your outings, she wants to be friends then act as friends, don't pay, date other women.

As long as you're pining over her she  will enjoy all the benefits and attention without putting a foot forward.

Your only avenue is to withdraw. If she picks it up good, if not move on. 

Personnaly l would move on. You will get over her, we all get over it.

[Midwest27]

31 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

First you have to stop paying for your outings, she wants to be friends then act as friends, don't pay, date other women.

As long as you're pining over her she  will enjoy all the benefits and attention without putting a foot forward.

Your only avenue is to withdraw. If she picks it up good, if not move on. 

Personnaly l would move on. You will get over her, we all get over it.

I already tried withdrawing for a couple of months. She started a new job over the summer and I was seeing her every other week in the spring. I started talking to her again earlier in the month by just asking her how she was doing, and she suggested we meet up the next time she has a day off. We are both medical residents and rarely get full days off so I took this as a sign she really wanted so spend time with me. I took her to an amusement park yesterday but it really didn't feel any different than my meetings with her in the spring. I flirted with her a bit leading up to it and reminded her that I missed her and was really looking forward to seeing her, but she looked unamused at the park (pun intended) and wanted to leave after only going on a couple of rides since she had to be at work early the next day and was recovering from a cold. I honestly found this to be a bit inconsiderate being that I paid for her ticket and drove over an hour and a half to pick her up and take her there. I tried to find an opportunity to make a move on her each time I've seen her, but have never felt secure enough with how she has acted. 

It's ironic, I have put far more effort into attracting her than I ever did when I was in a relationship with her, but just feel like it is getting me completely nowhere. Regardless, I don't think she was ever someone I was meant to be in a platonic relationship with so I feel like the only avenues I have left are to move on or find a way to make her my girlfriend again. These platonic "dates" are just making me depressed and I feel like I've done everything I can do to try and salvage this. It has occurred to me that she could just be agreeing to see me because she likes the attention and the familiarity, but I really did not think she was someone who would use me like that so this has never been something I have fixated on. Or maybe she just pities me and sees me out of politeness. Would it be worth it to try and tell her this directly? 

Edited October 24, 2021 by Midwest27

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Midwest27 said:

I have followed all conventional wisdom (giving her space, not appearing needy, not trying to dwell on the past) but nothing has seemed to work. 

That's because none of it can manufacture interest that is just not there anymore. 

And unfortunately, it's not there for her. She's clearly fine being friends but doesn't want more with you. It time to let this one go, OP.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Midwest27 said:

 I heard from her earlier this year after she had returned a text I had sent following a death in her family many months prior.. She says she wants to really work on being friends first.

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately whenever an ex contacts you after years, months it's for their own agenda. Just got dumped, in between relationships, looking for attention, etc.

 Pull back and reflect if this friendzone attitude of hers is worth your while.

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That's because none of it can manufacture interest that is just not there anymore. 

And unfortunately, it's not there for her. She's clearly fine being friends but doesn't want more with you. It time to let this one go, OP.

This^.  OP, she is no longer romantically/sexually attracted to you

There is nothing you can do to reignite it (assuming it was ever there in the first place) in fact the more you do and harder you try to force it/manufacture it, the further into the friendzone she goes.

I'm sorry to say but your behavior sounds a bit cringy. This is not a good look and will NOT bring her back. 

You need to understand this about women and stop, you will only end up looking foolish and weak. 

For most women, including myself, once a man is in our friendzone, the romance is DONE.

Only thing to do is introspect and determine what went wrong that caused the break up and learn from it for next time, your next relationship.

This is over and done, I'm sorry. 

Edited October 24, 2021 by poppyfields

[Midwest27]

24 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

This^.  OP, she is no longer romantically/sexually attracted to you

There is nothing you can do to reignite it (assuming it was ever there in the first place) in fact the more you do and harder you try to force it/manufacture it, the further into the friendzone she goes.

I'm sorry to say but your behavior sounds a bit cringy. This is not a good look and will NOT bring her back. 

You need to understand this about women and stop, you will only end up looking foolish and weak. 

For most women, including myself, once a man is in our friendzone, the romance is DONE.

Only thing to do is introspect and determine what went wrong that caused the break up and learn from it for next time, your next relationship.

This is over and done, I'm sorry. 

This is disappointing to hear. I thought when she reached out she was at least open to giving our relationship another chance but I guess I was wrong. I think there definitely was a certain passion there at one point but there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to reignite it. I guess I don't really understand how you can no longer be sexually attracted to someone you were once intimate with but maybe the female mind works differently. The last thing I want to do at this point is seem like a creep and these interactions are only continuing to damage my self esteem. After reflecting, I think I will just cut all contact with her and try to move on. Seeing her isn't helping me at all and is really just irritating me at this point. 

Edited October 24, 2021 by Midwest27

[poppyfields]

20 minutes ago, Midwest27 said:

I guess I don't really understand how you can no longer be sexually attracted to someone you were once intimate with...

^^For many women, emotions and sexual attraction are linked. 

If you are not stirring her emotions at least on some level, and again this cannot be forced or manufactured through strategies or game playing, a woman's sexual attraction will die. 

Are you sure it was ever there for her in the first place?  

Keep in mind, some women can be great actresses and can "go through the motions" without actually feeling a damn thing. 

Six months in she ended it because of "communication" issues?  Sounds like an excuse imo.  She just wasn't feeling it. 

It doesn't sound like she was ever "all in" and now she's out. 

Again I'm.sorry to be so blunt but agree it's best to accept its over and take steps to move on.

Edited October 24, 2021 by poppyfields

[Midwest27]

8 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

^^For many women, emotions and sexual attraction are linked. 

If you are not stirring her emotions at least on some level, and again this cannot be forced or manufactured through strategies or game playing, a woman's sexual attraction will die. 

Are you sure it was ever there for her in the first place?  

Keep in mind, some women can be great actresses and can "go through the motions" without actually feeling a damn thing. 

Six months in she ended it because of "communication" issues?  Sounds like an excuse imo.  She just wasn't feeling it. 

It doesn't sound like she was ever "all in" and now she's out. 

Again I'm.sorry to be so blunt but agree it's best to accept its over and take steps to move on.

I mean the sex and emotional attachment was amazing when we were together, but she did say the first time I started seeing her again that she was unhappy with the way things were between us for weeks before we broke up. I was completely oblivious to it so that comment took me by surprise. Our relationship was sort of long distance but I was always the one to drive to see her and make arrangements for things for us to do (she only came to visit me once on her own in the 6 months we were together). I really did try my best considering I was a medical student at the time so I was honestly taken aback by that comment. All I know at this point is that I am almost certainly not stirring her emotions anymore. She did seem excited to see me again over text but I guess I am just reading into things at this point. I really don't think I can do this anymore though and I am honestly very aggravated with how she acted yesterday considering how much planning I put into that day. 

Edited October 24, 2021 by Midwest27

[poppyfields]

So it was long distance, hmmm.  Did you ever consider the possibility she had met someone else, closer to home? 

I don't trust LDRs unless it was an already established exclusive relationship and one of you had to move away.

But at only six months, it doesn't sound like that was the case.

Again, truly sorry.  You are doing the right thing by walking away. 

You WILL get over it, I promise you.  We all do.

You have so much going for you, including your profession, the world is your oyster!

 

[Midwest27]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

So it was long distance, hmmm.  Did you ever consider the possibility she had met someone else, closer to home? 

I don't trust LDRs unless it was an already established exclusive relationship and one of you had to move away.

But at only six months, it doesn't sound like that was the case.

Again, truly sorry.  You are doing the right thing by walking away. 

You WILL get over it, I promise you.  We all do.

You have so much going for you, including your profession, the world is your oyster!

 

She always captivated me by having a very trustworthy and traditional personality so it never even entered me head that she would have been unfaithful to me while we dated. I really did try as I spent every free moment I had with her while we dated. She never made much effort to come to see me but since she has a disability that makes driving difficult for her I never gave it much thought. 

I know I will get over it. I've gotten over far more distressful relationships than this. I just thought there was something very special about her and that she would have made an amazing life partner so I guess that is the part I am mourning the most. 

[poppyfields]

She may not have been unfaithful, but rather met another man who captivated her interest and ended it with you before anything happened. 

This is pure speculation, I have no idea, just something to consider. 

LDRs are difficult imo.

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

She's not interested. She may just have been nice to say she wants to be friends. 

Agree with Gaeta, that you are not being a friend by paying for things.

Look, you've bought that terrible bill of goods that says you can attract your ex back. The only way your ex returns to relationship with you is if she really feels like returning to a relationship with you.  But if she's cold, that's your answer. She isn't interested. She doesn't feel safe with you. It doesn't feel right.

Pay attention. What you are doing now is the same thing--only the flip side--of probably what you were doing when with her. You aren't really paying attention to what's going on between you. In the past, you probably missed some of her signs to come closer and so on. Now you're blocking all the signs that she isn't interested. 

The only way couples really reconcile is if both want to reconcile. It's that simple. 

[chillii]

 

Op , she may well have had hopes when she contacted you again. But once you'd been together again her feelings just slipped back to where they were when she first broke you two up and they just haven't returned for her.

Sorry to say but she's just lost them and you don't really have a choice but to drop the whole idea and move on for your own good.

Edited October 24, 2021 by chillii

[Midwest27]

6 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

She's not interested. She may just have been nice to say she wants to be friends. 

Agree with Gaeta, that you are not being a friend by paying for things.

Look, you've bought that terrible bill of goods that says you can attract your ex back. The only way your ex returns to relationship with you is if she really feels like returning to a relationship with you.  But if she's cold, that's your answer. She isn't interested. She doesn't feel safe with you. It doesn't feel right.

Pay attention. What you are doing now is the same thing--only the flip side--of probably what you were doing when with her. You aren't really paying attention to what's going on between you. In the past, you probably missed some of her signs to come closer and so on. Now you're blocking all the signs that she isn't interested. 

The only way couples really reconcile is if both want to reconcile. It's that simple. 

I still love her though. I even told her that when I first spoke to her after we broke up. I don't know, this is all more than I can handle and I think you are all telling me what I have just been reluctant to accept over the past several months. Like I said, I think I will just stop initiating any contact with her because this whole situation is just painful for me to deal with. 

Edited October 24, 2021 by Midwest27

[Lotsgoingon]

Doesn't matter that you love her. We all still love our partners when we get dumped. But we move on over time.

"Love" is not some permanent state you have to be stuck in. You have to get on with your life--and over time the feelings will change.  But the change happens in that order--action first, change of feelings second. 

The only way to get on with your life is to stop seeing the ex and stop all contact with her.  

When you stop seeing the person you give your brain and body a chance to realize that you can survive without them in your life. It's hard at first but that's OK, people survive.  Over time, you realize that there is lots of fun to be had without them in our life. And then it switches. At some point you realize you can have fun now (with new person or new possibilities) that you could not have had with your ex. 

 

[Midwest27]

27 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Doesn't matter that you love her. We all still love our partners when we get dumped. But we move on over time.

"Love" is not some permanent state you have to be stuck in. You have to get on with your life--and over time the feelings will change.  But the change happens in that order--action first, change of feelings second. 

The only way to get on with your life is to stop seeing the ex and stop all contact with her.  

When you stop seeing the person you give your brain and body a chance to realize that you can survive without them in your life. It's hard at first but that's OK, people survive.  Over time, you realize that there is lots of fun to be had without them in our life. And then it switches. At some point you realize you can have fun now (with new person or new possibilities) that you could not have had with your ex.

I know. I have gotten over exes before and have honestly felt foolish over how much importance I have put over them at the time. The problem is with this one I felt something so much more meaningful and that is why it is so hard to just let it go. I will follow the advice of those who have responded in just letting her go. I just truly wish could have her back and show her what she meant to me even though that will probably never happen. 

[Calmandfocused]

You are “in love” with a perfectionist idealisation you had of this woman 2 years ago and this is keeping you stuck. 
 

This idealisation isn’t real. Its something you’ve built up in your head and you’ve clung onto it for 2 years. 
 

The bottom line is; if she was right for you back then you wouldn’t have split up. She wasn’t right for you then and she isn’t right for you now. 
 

Let go of this fantasy and look at what is being presented to you right now. You’re wasting your time. Nothing you do/ say is going to change that. 
 

Meanwhile she gets a man fawning over her with no investment from her. She won’t step up her game. She doesn’t need to. 
 

Let her and the fantasy go. Go no contact and concentrate your efforts on moving on and finding someone who wants to be with you. 

 

[Midwest27]

1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said:

You are “in love” with a perfectionist idealisation you had of this woman 2 years ago and this is keeping you stuck. 
 

This idealisation isn’t real. Its something you’ve built up in your head and you’ve clung onto it for 2 years. 
 

The bottom line is; if she was right for you back then you wouldn’t have split up. She wasn’t right for you then and she isn’t right for you now. 
 

Let go of this fantasy and look at what is being presented to you right now. You’re wasting your time. Nothing you do/ say is going to change that. 
 

Meanwhile she gets a man fawning over her with no investment from her. She won’t step up her game. She doesn’t need to. 
 

Let her and the fantasy go. Go no contact and concentrate your efforts on moving on and finding someone who wants to be with you. 

 

I know and agree, I have been holding on to this slimmer of hope for a long time but realize now I should be spending my time with someone who actually values me and what I have to offer. I guess I have just been reluctant because it would take so much more time/effort to find another person but I guess that is what is best for me at this point. This woman is clearly not interested in me and I think I am wasting my time waiting for someone who doesnt want anything more to do with me romantically. 

[Lotsgoingon]

If this woman was so right for you, then you and she would have worked it out.

[ShyViolet]

You can't make someone interested in you who is not interested in you.

You're completely wasting your time trying to rekindle a relationship that's dead.  Time to accept it and stop pursuing her.  Cut off contact.

[kendahke]

13 hours ago, Midwest27 said:

most of the time I am with her, she seems cold and not at all like the woman I had once dated.

That's because she's not. Time and the recall of past disappointments can keep a dead relationship dead.

Quote

I have seen her several times over the past few months and really want her back but each time I try to hint that I am still interested in her she doesn't appear to be very receptive.

She's already told you that she wants only friendship with you... so stop hinting that you want more. She knows. She doesn't want it right now and nothing is going to move her off that.

Quote

it is quite possible I am wasting my time/youth trying to rekindle a relationship that died a long time ago 

Not only is that possible--it's probable.  I'd leave it alone and move on.  If this could have been worked out, it wouldn't have take you 2 years to get around to doing it. Too much time has passed and this ship has sailed.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Midwest27 said:

This woman is clearly not interested in me and I think I am wasting my time

You are definitely wasting your time, yes. 

Learn from this and understand that feelings (hers, in this case) can change, so the people we once liked a lot no longer do it for us. You seem to be stuck on the notion that just because she was into you a couple years back, there must still be some interest there now too. But that's not how human emotions work. They are a lot more fluid than that, and it's not restricted to women either. It can happen to men, too. Hers have changed to the point that there is no romantic interest anymore and she's been making that clear by keeping you at an arm's length when hanging out or whenever you hint at wanting more. 

It's best to finally drop this. 

[Maldives]

It's done and dusted mate. Sorry to say. That coldness of hers speaks volumes how and where she's at. Don't bother or waste any more time on her

[Midwest27]

41 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said:

It's done and dusted mate. Sorry to say. That coldness of hers speaks volumes how and where she's at. Don't bother or waste any more time on her

Yeah I agree. I thought since things ended between us over a comparatively minor reason, it was something I could still salvage in time. Personally, I would not have any issue with restarting things with any woman I have dated. Even if things ended badly, I can always quickly revert back to remembering the better times and how they made me feel before. Especially after time passes. I suppose most people are just wired differently and don't function like that. I mean we aren't even really friends at this point anyway as she is always completely guarded and closed off when I see her and I don't really feel like I have learned anything about her that I didn't already know over these past few months. I had good intentions here but the advice on what I need to do seems to be unanimous. 

Edited October 25, 2021 by Midwest27