smile Posted October 20, 2005 Posted October 20, 2005 Ok so it has been 4 months since we had sex, 3 months since we have seen eachother, 2 months since we have talked on the phone and one whole month today since he has tried to contact me via txt msg. The last few days have been so painful it feels as if we had just broken up. I cant go to bed without crying my eyes out. What the heck is wrong with me? Why am I now just starting to feel the actual physical pain of what happened? Why am I only now starting to accept that he knowingly hurt me? Its like I have no more excuses for him. Why now? I wanted NC because he wanted me to be everything BUT his commitment. He wanted the sex and the emotional support and the friendship, but he wanted me to move on so he could not feel guilty. WHAT? Then when my grandma died in May he wasnt there for me. He chose to go to a bday party rather than give me 20 mins of a shoulder to cry on. And when I said it hurt me he said it was a bf/gf argument. How can you turn your back on someone you claimed to love for 4 years? One minute I was the love of his life, the next he would say he never really loved me. Its like everything I believed to be true and that gave me strength these last few years was a lie. He took it away just like that. He knew every vulnerability that I had and he attacked me there. Over and over and then acted like a wounded mixed up puppy who needed me whenever I was upset and wanted to walk away. Why is he txting me and what does he want? Why did he hurt me? How could you do that to someone who was such a big part of your life and then act surprised that they cant hang around and be your friend? He acts like I am weak and pathetic bc I am hurt and sad and not over him.. but he contacts me.... I just want these last few years to disappear. Yes I know the movie that does that and I would rather not mention it.. too close ya know? Too many memories. I just had to vent. I feel a little better getting it out here. I am so glad I have this place to come to and feel understood. Oh one more thing... I am starting to feel so much guilt for not being able to stick it out. I swore I would never leave him, but I just cant take it anymore. And I feel so guilty for not being able to let go and care about just him. In my head I know its right, and in my heart I am pretty sure its just that part of me that is afraid of him having no one. How stupid huh? Even after all this pain I still want to be there to patch him up when he gets hurt... I am a DUMB DUMB girl. So typical..... aarrgghhh thanks for listening
impuls3 Posted October 20, 2005 Posted October 20, 2005 hey, we know how you feel... it hurts so much when someone so dear to doesn't want to be with you anymore... but time and time again, when we all get hurt so much, with seemingly no remorse, there is one thing that sticks true... time heals all wounds... i know since you think its been 4 monthes that you should be over it... but sometimes it just takes longer. i know you think it, but it just was not meant to be, and you shouldnt dwell on it so much. do yourself a favour and teach yourself to let go. your obviously a great person, because after somebody hurt you, you still want to be there for them. but always try to keep yourself occupied and then let time do its thing. good luck to ya!
In Sync Posted October 20, 2005 Posted October 20, 2005 You are experiencing what most of us have gone through in the aftermath of breaking up with someone that you want so much. Right now you are in a highly emotional state, and like some ex's who display lack of sensitivty it is clear from what you describe that he will not be supportive for you, nor should you expect that he will be because you broke up from him (since I don't know who broke off from who..that too plays a part in this scenario) From my own experince having sex with the person you've broken up with is the ABSOLUTE WORST THING TO DO. It leads to a lot of misconceptions..you automatically think it means reconcillation on a new start at closeness, they are interested in the physical of the moment and nothing more. It's crushing and actually its creating a new wound to heal from. Right now is the time to cease contact from this person. God knows its a painful process. NO CONTACT is a must. He seems like an emotional user and will exploit your feelings for him. Save yourself. The least amount of contact especially the e-mail/txt msg are the last straw to ween yourself from. Trust me..so many of us have been there. You are going through two traumatic losses ..especially your grandmother. He is not the one to look to for any support at all. Show no mercy for him. Accept no apologies. It's a cold way to approach it, but your stability is at stake here..not his!
ReluctantRomeo Posted October 20, 2005 Posted October 20, 2005 4 months is still early days - it's perfectly ok to still be sad. Btw, romantic recovery is not a straight line. Of course you will get better over time, but there will be good and bad days and weeks. We guys are often not good at managing our emotions. Your ex may simply not know what to do or how to behave. Whatever his motives and feelings, it's clear that you need time and space to heal. If he keeps texting or trying to contact you, politely say that you need time and space. Don't be harsh - be kind but firm. These last few years won't disappear, but the pain will, I promise. In the meantime, here's a big hug ((( )))
JohnJohn Posted October 20, 2005 Posted October 20, 2005 Why am I only now starting to accept that he knowingly hurt me? Its like I have no more excuses for him. Why now? I wanted NC because he wanted me to be everything BUT his commitment. How can you turn your back on someone you claimed to love for 4 years? One minute I was the love of his life, the next he would say he never really loved me. Its like everything I believed to be true and that gave me strength these last few years was a lie. He took it away just like that. He knew every vulnerability that I had and he attacked me there. Over and over and then acted like a wounded mixed up puppy who needed me whenever I was upset and wanted to walk away. Why is he txting me and what does he want? Why did he hurt me? How could you do that to someone who was such a big part of your life and then act surprised that they cant hang around and be your friend? He acts like I am weak and pathetic bc I am hurt and sad and not over him.. but he contacts me.... I think you are now only starting to accept this is because you were in the denial phase of a breakup before. Denial is a strong defense mechanism our body uses to help ease pain. Once you moved pass this, the realization hit you and the real hurt started. That's normal. He didn't really love you in the true sense of what love is. He may have claimed so, but a person like this is actaully not capable of loving anyone else even though they crave it and can say so. Read all you can about emotional abuse. This is what you are experiencing from him. He acts like you are weak and pathetic because in his dimented world that is a sign of weakness. He lacks the emotions and compassion that you have. Of course he contacts you. He still wants to maintain control over you. Emotional abuse is all about control and power to the abuser. You want love; he wants control, which he confuses as love. I know it hurts and I feel for you. Hang in there and find someone that will treat you well and not abuse you like this. It may be a long, uphill road to get there after this but the view from the top is worth it. We all have to find out what love is not before we can find out what love is.
Tangerina Posted October 20, 2005 Posted October 20, 2005 These things are so wierd, but when I was going through my horrible breakup (with BF of 3 years, 1st love, etc....he left me...) someone told me that when you are trying to get over something like this first it is the only thing that you can think about and it hurts on maximum all day and all night, but as time goes on maybe you go a minute now and then without thinking about it and maybe lighten up a bit, then with more time you find that you have gone a whole hour with your mind occupied elsewhere, and so on... but the real wierdness comes when it has been months and you don't even really think about them with much emotion on a daily basis and then you have a day or two when it just hits you again! So it takes a long time, and as someone else said, it is not linear, it is kind of exponential.... like my breakup was 5 months ago, but I got over the worst pretty surprisingly quickly for how deeply I was in the relationship (I think because I was kind of "addicted" to him and once I was free of the addictive feeling there weren't many other real things to salvage at that point...) but I spent about a month being more depressed than I ever had and about 2 more months kind of dealing with the aftermath til now I am at a point where I rarely think about him during the day and I am in a much happier and healthier and relaxed relationship now, but these last few days I have been going through one of those cycles again even though I don't really miss him... I just feel mad and hurt thinking about how he treated me in the situation and how arrogant and self centered the whole thing was and how he is so mad at me noe because I wouldn't get back with him when he kinda but not really wanted me back..... the point of all this rambling about my personal junk is that it is totally normal.... a whole year from now when you barely even think about him you will all of a sudden have a day when all the sadness comes back... it is just part of the process, so don't give yourself time limits! just try to get on with things and live our life and it really sounds like you made the right decision, but I know how it feels when you are the one saying no to the relationship and how hard it is even if it is the right thing....
Author smile Posted October 21, 2005 Author Posted October 21, 2005 Thank you all so much for everything. It means so much to have someone understand me, make me feel validated and what not. So here is some clarification. He broke up with me, in this crazy drug induced "epiphany" he says he had while gone on tour. Weird thing is, it came right after he went on and on about how he wanted to quit his band and just be with me. And after we broke up the next time he went on tour he still called me everyday and talked about how much he missed being with me. Its hard bc, like most of us, he has so many issues. When we were together I said no hard drugs or I was out. And he said being with me was enough, he didnt need to hide from his feelings anymore. And now everytime I see or hear about him he is wasted. On something or his stories start out with "I was so drunk" or "the other day I was doing mushrooms" ... and it just kills me. His family even told me he was more of himself when we were together, over 3 and a half years. A better brother son, even a better friend to his friends. And I know thats not my responsibility but it just makes me that much more confused. Especially with his trying to contact me. For the record I havent asnwered his txts. They are all the same just 'Hi" ... I have nothing to say to him bc I have no idea who he is anymore. And that kills me. Its just feels like my guy is dead and gone forever. And I feel so guilty that I did it. I killed whatever stability was left in him. I have moved, I got a new car, a new screen name, a new email address, and I blocked him on AIM .... if he wanted to get a hold of me he could, but the easy ways to check up on me are gone. I know I need to move on but I am so afraid of not being able to believe anyone could love me anymore that I am afraid of anyone getting close. Geesh maybe I am crazy. But I have a feeling this is average.. right? Its a tough situation and, like you all said, I need to cut myself some slack ... thank you so much again for your comments. They helped so much.
JohnJohn Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 Its just feels like my guy is dead and gone forever. And I feel so guilty that I did it. I killed whatever stability was left in him. Whoa now. Do not take any responsibility or feel guilt for him. He is the way he is. He emotionally abused you. This is not your fault. It's the way he is wired and only he can change it. Actually the best thing you can do for an emotional abuser is leave them. Not only for your sanity but it may show him that he needs help. If it doesn't, don't worry about it. Take care of yourself. You did the right thing in leaving an abusive situation. Yes it does feel like he is dead because a breakup is like a death in the sense that it is an emotional loss for youself. The stages of grieving are the same, basically. Your mixed feelings are normal and you will get past it. Just hang tight and take care of yourself. I am so afraid of not being able to believe anyone could love me anymore that I am afraid of anyone getting close. This feeling is also normal after an emotionally charged breakup and it will pass. You have this feeling because by him emotionally abusing you it has eroded your self-esteem. That's the danger in being with someone like that. If you stay or did stay longer it only gets worse. It takes time. I've thought that myself in the past and then found love again and you will too. You are doing the right thing. Don't feel guilty for him. You didn't cause it and you most certainly cannot fix it.
ReluctantRomeo Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Geesh maybe I am crazy. But I have a feeling this is average.. right? Its a tough situation and, like you all said, I need to cut myself some slack ... Yup. This is perfectly normal. Especially when the other person behaves inconsiderately. thank you so much again for your comments. They helped so much. Our pleasure
scobro Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 there is one thing that sticks true... time heals all wounds... (QUOTE] This is where I think people get the wrong idea sure time will heal the immediate pain that you feel right now, but it doesn't heal any "baggage"or un-resolved issues that you may have about this relationship.Someone who breaks their leg does not get told "time will heal all wounds"they get their leg set in a cast.A broken heart needs to be treated the same way.If you get a flat tire time will not heal the tire will it?You need to patch the tire up. You may be harbouring anger and/or resentment towards your ex and if you do not deal with this time will only bury these feelings but not heal them and you will bring these emotions and feelings in your next relationship without even knowing it. A great book to get is the "Grief recovery handbook"OR "HOW TO MEND A BROKEN HEART".It talks about this and other things people will say to someone who is in pain and grieving that make no sense emotionally just intellectually like saying "keep busy or "bury yourself in your work" all that is going to do is make a griever very tired from being so busy but it does not heal them emotionally.The only way to heal is to make amends and forgive your partner this does not mean in person they do not even need to know but you need to do this to be able to be whole again and be complete from your broken relationship.Trust me IT WORKS!! this is the best advice I ever recieved on how to get through this horrible pain I feel everyday.
lilmoma1973 Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 [/B] I am so sorry that your heart is broken ... I have been there and it is no fun !! You can't eat or sleep it is plain awful !! I went through this when my h left me because he was a coward and didn't want to worth through our problems.. Long story short i noticed as long as i crying my heart out and calling him asking him to come back that he didn't want me .. When i decided after a month that i needed to go on with my life and do what i wanted cause he was ..He went back to ss mom !! That was so devasting because she was the problem in this relationship and then he was with her... He said that he became a dad at an early age and he needed to see if there was anything there that is why he did it!! I think if it is meant to be he will back if he doesn't then he never was .. It is time to move on and start living and that you don't need him and he will be back if not then he never was yours.. He thinks you can't live without him show him you can !!! I if he loves you like you said he did he will be back .. Go out with someone that he knows a friend ,cousin what not show him you have moved on .. I went out with someone that h was close to and it was nothing more than firends but when he found out he started coming around !! Don't call him let him call you !!!!Don't need him no more and than he will wonder what is going on .. If he don't than he has moved on and you need too!! Good luck
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