I left my ex for a friend that I had a crush on but I realized that I see my friend as just friend and nothing else.

[lostman99]

I've been dating this amazing girl that has change my life into something a whole lot better. I don't think I would be the person I am right now because of her. We were dating for a year and 6 months and everything was good. I mean there were problems like her living across the border and it was always me the one that would cross to go see her but she would never want to come to my house. I always told her that I wanted that but it just never happened. She met my family 3-4 times in the whole time of the relationship and 2 of those were surprise birthday parties. Anyhow, we studied abroad together; which I wouldn't have ever done that if it weren't for her but I am happy that I did. Aside from that, we've never had sex. I told her to take her time but I did want to have sex since I was ready. It did cause some conflict since I mean, I wanted to experience that with her. It never happened. 

I had a small crush on a friend starting freshman year of college but eventually it died down and then I met my gf, now ex and it all clicked well. In the last months of being with my ex, I felt upset because it was the same thing all over again, me going to see her, me driving to see her after work, but she never wanted to show initiative to come to my house and spend time together. Just being here in my house watching tv in the living room would be nice but again, nothing. I started hanging out with my friend (the girl I had a crush on) we hung out, my gf knowing we were thrift shopping and all that. I started crushing on her a bit, at a party, I got drunk and sent her voice messages telling her how I felt. Next morning we talked about it in person, I wasn't sure of what I sent but I was like I meant them. We kissed. I cheated on my gf, I broke up with her the day after. 

My friend and I started dating, going to eat, kissing, sex and it was good, but I didn't feel the emotional attachment. After 1 month I asked her to be my gf and she said yes. Not even the month of being official and all I could think was my ex. I ended things with my new gf since it wasn't fair for her. My ex and I started talking and trying to fix it. I felt so guilty with everything I did. It was eating me inside and I missed my friend, she was like my bestfriend and I kept breaking down. I told my first ex that I need some time away. We haven't spoken. 

I reached out to my friend and I think I mixed friendship with relationship, because we are talking again but I don't feel the emotional attachment again. I want to tell her that if it's possible to become friends again and not be anything because I don't see her as someone I can be with. I lied to myself saying that I do see her like that but I don't. I want to be with my first gf. I know I hurt her for cheating, I hurt my second gf for leaving her for my ex and I am afraid of hurting her again since I am wanting to stop talking to her. I want to be with my first girlfriend since she is someone that I do see myself with and I was happy, she was caring and loving with me, it was just the fact that she never wanted to spend time with my family or it was because she couldn't, and the sex but the sex is whatever now. 

 

I feel empty inside, disconnected from everyone and everything. My rooms been a mess and my car as well. I see those two things as my mental health. I want to go to counseling and speak about everything. 

 

Will I lose my friend completely after telling her how I feel about us just being friends? Is it possible to recover from this with my first girlfriend? I am lost. 

[ExpatInItaly]

You have effectively ruined things with both women. It won’t go back to the way it was, with either of them.

Leave then both be now. Take time to be single, and start fresh with someone else when you’re good and ready. Neither of these women was right for you, but you can learn from this and hopefully never repeat this sort of behavior.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, lostman99 said:

I feel empty inside, disconnected from everyone and everything. My rooms been a mess and my car as well. I see those two things as my mental health.

Have you seen a physician for an evaluation of your depression and anxiety? Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

You'll need to get your physical and mental health in better order before you start dating again or careen through people's lives confused about what you want.

Next time date local women with the same cultural/religious background and who you can see on a regular basis.