Ryan_B Posted October 22, 2021 Posted October 22, 2021 (edited) Hello. I've been separated from my wife for over a year now. During that time I've tried online dating, on and off, but never even receive a message back from the women I message. Last weekend, however, I did start talking to a girl online. She lives fairly local to me, she's similar to me in most ways (both have children, similar things in common, same beliefs etc). We've been texting every night this week, including some extremely "naughty" messages and pictures etc haha! We've both been really looking forward to meeting. She wanted to come to mine, go for a walk, spend the day together and possibly even stay the night (even just for cuddles). She keep saying how she can't wait to meet. However, last night, for no reason, she went all cold and said she's having doubts. Then this morning she told me she does want to see me. But ever since this morning, she's ignored all my messages (although she's read them) and I think she's now not going to meet me. She even said last night that she was meeting her friend in the city I live, so she'll see them after she's been to mine and then might come back to mine after seeing her friend. I'm really not sure what to do now. I really like her, really was looking forward to seeing her and she kept saying the same. I'm now really hurting and upset to be honest! Edited October 22, 2021 by Ryan_B
Wiseman2 Posted October 22, 2021 Posted October 22, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, Ryan_B said: She wanted to come to mine, go for a walk, spend the day together and possibly even stay the night (even just for cuddles). She keep saying how she can't wait to meet. However, last night, for no reason, she went all cold and said she's having doubts. Sorry this is happening. Even if they suggest it, never make the first meet extended or worse in house and absolutely not overnight. Meet sooner rather than later for a brief coffee in a public mutually convenient place. You don't want some one you never met in your house . Save to naughty texts for later. Keep everything low-investment until you meet for coffee. If that goes well set up another date. It's hard to get out there and date again but use some rules of the road for the first meet. Best to assume you're talking to a hairy 700lb guy until you actually meet face to face. Brief, lowkey coffee. No in-home dates or suggestions. It's important to screen for hookers, scammers, psychos ,flakes, etc. You dodged a bullet. You were more likely to get robbed than laid with that approach/suggestion. Last thing you need is someone who flips and now knows where you live. Edited October 22, 2021 by Wiseman2 5
Author Ryan_B Posted October 22, 2021 Author Posted October 22, 2021 5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this is happening. Even if they suggest it, never make the first meet extended or worse in house and absolutely not overnight. Meet sooner rather than later for a brief coffee in a public mutually convenient place. You don't want some one you never met in your house . Save to naughty texts for later. Keep everything low-investment until you meet for coffee. If that goes well set up another date. It's hard to get out there and date again but use some rules of the road for the first meet. Best to assume you're talking to a hairy 700lb guy until you actually meet face to face. Brief, lowkey coffee. No in-home dates or suggestions. It's important to screen for hookers, scammers, psychos ,flakes, etc. You dodged a bullet. You were more likely to get robbed than laid with that approach/suggestion. Last thing you need is someone who flips and now knows where you live. The trouble is, she was the first person to even reply to a single message I'd sent on the dating app. She was/is a genuine girl (the videos she sent me (not just dirty ones!) Prove that) but something seems to have suddenly changed with her. Yesterday she kept telling me how I'm the nicest guy she's ever spoken too and how she felt this weekend was going to be a perfect date and was suggesting places we could go etc. So to go from that, to being so cold doesn't make sense. I know she's out tonight with her friends which is fair enough, but she's ignored all my messages today. She did text me at about 5 am this morning saying how she still wants to meet and apologised for "being stupid" last night when she was having second thoughts. But since then I've not heard a thing. My mind is all over the place! I just don't think I'm going to find happiness again
glows Posted October 22, 2021 Posted October 22, 2021 Slow your roll. Meet for something like coffee. Even if someone else proposes landing in bed at the end of a first date, decline and have some class. It'll be less pressure on you both and you can save the cuddles for later once you find out if there's chemistry. Ask her out again and this time make it brief. If she's not interested in meeting with you, move on to the next match. Be patient and don't get discouraged. 2
IrinaM Posted October 23, 2021 Posted October 23, 2021 I'll go ahead and suggest you finalize your divorce, it will increase your value in the eyes of most women, however much. 4
ExpatInItaly Posted October 23, 2021 Posted October 23, 2021 7 hours ago, Ryan_B said: She was/is a genuine girl (the videos she sent me (not just dirty ones!) Prove that) OP, you have no idea if she is genuine or not. You have never even met her. A few videos tell you next to nothing about who she is actually is and what her character is really like. So while I get why you are disppointed, keep your expectations in check in the future. She is a stranger and you got a bit carried away in the idea of her without having any real-life experience to base that idea on. For all you know, she has got an ex in the background or someone else she's talking to at the same time. That's why it's important to keep first meets a lot more casual and not get too swept up in the thrill of a new person. It sounds to me like she has other things going on and may bail on this, which sucks, but you have to remember she might have been a total cabbage-head anyway. Don't pin your hopes for happiness on a stranger, in other words. 1
Wiseman2 Posted October 23, 2021 Posted October 23, 2021 12 hours ago, Ryan_B said: But since then I've not heard a thing. Exactly. She is precisely the type of flake you want to avoid.
Author Ryan_B Posted October 23, 2021 Author Posted October 23, 2021 5 hours ago, IrinaM said: I'll go ahead and suggest you finalize your divorce, it will increase your value in the eyes of most women, however much. I'm not sure this really matters to be honest. My wife (technically) has been living with her partner for a good 8 months or so now, the fact she's not divorced hasn't hindered her! Divorces cost thousands. I've been through courts and solicitors for a year getting child access sorted for myself to have my children (which I've now got sorted thankfully) so a divorce really isn't going to be possible. I know of plenty of people who are dating and yet aren't divorced from their last relationship but it doesn't cause them any issues. I just feel my chances of ever dating are extremely low, almost impossible. I work full time till about 6pm Monday to Friday and have my children three weekends out of every four (so I'm not with them this weekend but have them for the following three) which I love, but it gives me no time to date. But I feel empty and lonely every night and would love to have that reason to be excited. To look forward to seeing someone else, to try and see how I get on with somebody. I'm incredibly shy and nervous usually and so meeting someone online is the only option I have to meet anyone but I just can't ever see anything happen for me!
glows Posted October 23, 2021 Posted October 23, 2021 Are you saying you have no intention of divorcing your wife? 1
Author Ryan_B Posted October 23, 2021 Author Posted October 23, 2021 3 hours ago, glows said: Are you saying you have no intention of divorcing your wife? Having intention and having money are two different things. I can barely afford to keep a roof over my head and food on my children's plates, paying thousands of pounds to sign a bit of paper isn't my top priority! If I could, then I'd have divorced months ago. But as I said, my wife isn't divorced and that hasn't stopped her from finding someone and starting s new life, so why should it stop me?
spiderowl Posted October 23, 2021 Posted October 23, 2021 Sorry to hear what happened, Ryan. Obviously, none of us know why she cooled off, but given her forward-sounding nature, I would think she found someone else. Of course, we do not know what you said to her before she cooled off. It does not sound like she objected to sexual conversation so it probably wasn't that. If you haven't said anything offensive to her, then I think she just chose another offer instead, probably someone nearer to her. I know it's difficult, but it is best not to get too attached to an outcome when chatting online. People get carried away in the moment and then feel differently the next day when the practicalities of the situation dawn on them. 1
dramafreezone Posted October 24, 2021 Posted October 24, 2021 (edited) On 10/22/2021 at 2:12 PM, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this is happening. Even if they suggest it, never make the first meet extended or worse in house and absolutely not overnight. Meet sooner rather than later for a brief coffee in a public mutually convenient place. You don't want some one you never met in your house . Save to naughty texts for later. Keep everything low-investment until you meet for coffee. If that goes well set up another date. It's hard to get out there and date again but use some rules of the road for the first meet. Best to assume you're talking to a hairy 700lb guy until you actually meet face to face. Brief, lowkey coffee. No in-home dates or suggestions. It's important to screen for hookers, scammers, psychos ,flakes, etc. You dodged a bullet. You were more likely to get robbed than laid with that approach/suggestion. Last thing you need is someone who flips and now knows where you live. Yeah, OP man you were married. The date has to be *comfortable*, very easy for a potential date to get spooked. They have friends in their ears all the time warning them to look for red flags, you could've said something inoccuous that she took the wrong way, or read to her friends who took it the wrong way. Maybe her friends concluded you're an f-boy. Best bet is to make the first meetup public, *close to her place* (shorter distance keeps her investment low), keep the pre-date chatter to a minimum, all you're going to do is put your foot in your mouth. Ulttimately there's no telling what spooked her, or maybe nothing did, maybe she just wanted to stay at home after a hectic day, or just woke up this AM and wasn't feeling it anymore. Edited October 24, 2021 by dramafreezone 2
Author Ryan_B Posted October 24, 2021 Author Posted October 24, 2021 9 hours ago, dramafreezone said: Yeah, OP man you were married. The date has to be *comfortable*, very easy for a potential date to get spooked. They have friends in their ears all the time warning them to look for red flags, you could've said something inoccuous that she took the wrong way, or read to her friends who took it the wrong way. Maybe her friends concluded you're an f-boy. Best bet is to make the first meetup public, *close to her place* (shorter distance keeps her investment low), keep the pre-date chatter to a minimum, all you're going to do is put your foot in your mouth. Ulttimately there's no telling what spooked her, or maybe nothing did, maybe she just wanted to stay at home after a hectic day, or just woke up this AM and wasn't feeling it anymore. The thing is, when we first arranged to meet, I suggested going for a walk along the beach and grabbing a coffee at the café (she lives by the coast) as it's right near where she lives, she has friends and family in that area etc, so she'd have felt totally safe. It was actually her who started saying about coming to mine, staying at mine, and all the sexual stuff was her doing to begin with. She said yesterday that I seem a really lovely, honest, trustworthy guy who has done nothing wrong or nothing to upset her (her words) but that she couldn't put her finger on why she got cold feet. She said she wants to remain friends and that there could be a possibility of meeting/ having another date in the future. The trouble is, I'm going to be waiting for her and never know if it'd ever happen! Plus after this weekend, I won't have a free weekend for a month (due to my childcare arrangements through the courts) so how can I ever possibly expect to date?
ExpatInItaly Posted October 24, 2021 Posted October 24, 2021 37 minutes ago, Ryan_B said: It was actually her who started saying about coming to mine, staying at mine, and all the sexual stuff was her doing to begin with. I wonder if she's recently out of a relationship. Some of this sounds like she could be rebounding. In any event, don't wait for her and don't remain friends. There is no point. In the future, be wary of women who want to come over the first time they meet you and launch right into sexual exchanges before meeting. It's generally not a good sign.
Wiseman2 Posted October 24, 2021 Posted October 24, 2021 2 hours ago, Ryan_B said: She said she wants to remain friends and that there could be a possibility of meeting/ having another date in the future. I won't have a free weekend for a month (due to my childcare arrangements through the courts) so how can I ever possibly expect to date? Ok. After the friendzone speech, don't be put on hold. Cut her off. If you can't set up meeting on weekends for a while, simply keep talking to women and set up drinks coffee, etc. after work on a weekday. You should have suggested something like that in the first place. Skip beach walks or extended first meets.
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