longdistance13 Posted October 22, 2021 Share Posted October 22, 2021 Hi everyone, Im so glad to have come across this site, so i really would appreciate some advice from people who have been in the same situation.. I am a 42 yo male,and have a child from a previous relationship who lives with her mum in Europe. I currently have a job in the UK but get back to see my daughter every few weeks. I met my partner 6 years ago, and she has been in my daughters life since then, and we lived together for more than 4 years.. Last year, an opportunity came up for her to move to the US for work... we never really discussed the repercussions for her, nor the potential this would lead to stress on our relationship, as we thought we were soulmates, so we could deal with it... One year on, due to the pandemic, we havent seen each other. We speak every day, but obviously its not the same.. I am going to see her next month as soon as i can due to the restrictions, but we are both very nervous and apprehensive about it... I ask her if i am coming over so we can finish the relationship and she says it is not her intention. I just want to give her the biggest hug ever and discuss how we move forward... We tell each other we love each other, and at least from my end i still know she is the one i want to grow old with... I am now thinking of moving there, but i also have my daughter to think about, and i think this is why she doesnt want me to move as well (although maybe its something else!).. She also recently told me that lots of things have happened there that she hasnt told me about, but nothing on a physical/sexual way or with anyone else, so this is also quite confusing. I put all my feelings down in a letter recently and she thanked me for it and says she is working on a reply but is finding it difficult to express her feelings...Im hoping this will all become clearer when we see each other- but i would also appreciate any advice on how to deal with this in the meantime! I love my partner so much it hurts sometimes, and she tells me the same, but i just dont know what is for the best- is she teling me that coz its what she thinks i want to hear or does she mean it? She tells me there has been no one else, but she misses the physical side of a relationship and is worried she will do something she shouldnt (as do i!)... Sorry for the long rant but any advice would be very much appreciated! Thanks... Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 22, 2021 Share Posted October 22, 2021 9 minutes ago, longdistance13 said: a child from a previous relationship who lives with her mum in Europe. I currently have a job in the UK but get back to see my daughter every few weeks. Sorry this is happening. Your GF is not committed to the relationship. She made a unilateral decision to simply move on thousands of miles away. Focus on what's important. Your child. Stay as close and involved in her life as possible. Ms. Moved to America is not a viable option for you. She's probably been with or at least is looking for locals to date. Break it off in person when you visit her. She saw fit to start a new life far away from you. She is not committed to you. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 22, 2021 Share Posted October 22, 2021 Women will come and go. your daughter is the most important thing here. Your gf in effect ended your relationship by moving away from you without discussion or agreement. You didn't matter, but you assumed too much. She doesn't want you to move over there and you have to listen to her. If you can be bothered, get her to tell you what she means by 33 minutes ago, longdistance13 said: lots of things have happened there that she hasnt told me about, I guess none of them good for you. Your "feelings" letter went down like a lead balloon too. I wouldn't waste your money going over there. Spend the time with your daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
Author longdistance13 Posted October 22, 2021 Author Share Posted October 22, 2021 Thanks for the replies. Just to clarify- we did discuss her moving and this wasnt a unilateral decision. At that point there was no talk of us splitting up from either of is as we both thought we would be able to cope- but then the pandemic came meaning its been a year since we have seen each other.. Also i dont think the letter went down badly- she thanked me for it, and made it clear she appreciated it, but she is having difficulty putting her feelings down but has started a reply...Her career is very important to her, and i respect that, which is why the move was made in the first place.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 22, 2021 Share Posted October 22, 2021 How old is your gf? Link to post Share on other sites
Author longdistance13 Posted October 22, 2021 Author Share Posted October 22, 2021 34... She told me right from the beginning she didnt want kids as she may resent them in the future, although i made it clear that i had one. The two of them got on like a house on fire, and when they were together it was beautiful to see... I think part of the problem now is because we havent seen each other in so long she has put this all to the back of her mind and forgotten how good it was.. If it hadnt been for the pandemic we would have been seeing each other every couple/three months minimum.... Thanks for your replies! Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted October 22, 2021 Share Posted October 22, 2021 Thats a tough one for you buddy I imagine, Shes probably quite a good catch for you, eight years younger and all, Id still try to be positive about making a go of it, is remote working an option for either of you, could you do commutes a few times a year both ways, your not looking for more kids so its not as if you need a complete settled family type relationship, If you like her enough- it should be still workable. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author longdistance13 Posted October 22, 2021 Author Share Posted October 22, 2021 Thanks Foxhall- I appreciate your reply! Indeed, im batting well above my station, and we made it to 5 years before she left to the US for her work, so i do really hope you are right... I guess things will become a lot clearer when we see each other, i just need to stay sane until then! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted October 23, 2021 Share Posted October 23, 2021 (edited) Ahh, wouldn't put anything in an age as far as your relationship 8yrs is nothing she's a bit younger so what , tht's not gonna make a relationship . lt's about who you are as a couple, feelings and the relationship itself , l know you feel all that too. lt might even be proving a bit of a hindrance here actually bc it's pretty weird that she just takes a job in another country turns around moves over there without you and just disappearing on your daughter too, career or not. Were things still as good between you were there any problems at the time when all that came about ? At any rate somethings changed and she's doubting things lately. She's probably settling in liking it there met new people maybe wanting to stay and so not seeing a future anymore , especially with your daughter situation. Surely she wouldn't expect you to move so far away from her. Someone else , not sure but it is sounding like she's at least thinking about a new start sorry to say. Anyway , if you both still want to visit and you can do then you've gotta see ea other be together and sort this out in person. Good luck with it and let us know how things are going. Edited October 23, 2021 by chillii 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 24, 2021 Share Posted October 24, 2021 On 10/22/2021 at 6:48 AM, longdistance13 said: .. If it hadnt been for the pandemic.... If she didn't just up and leave. It's not the pandemic. It's that she saw fit to leave you 1000s of miles behind. Do not try to work things out. You're daughter comes first, no? Why follow someone this indifferent to you? A year? She has made a new life for herself. Forget "remote working" or pretending a few years younger makes her "a good catch". She left you in the dust but you're not accepting this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 24, 2021 Share Posted October 24, 2021 On 10/22/2021 at 11:27 AM, longdistance13 said: She also recently told me that lots of things have happened there that she hasnt told me about, but nothing on a physical/sexual way or with anyone else, She's met someone else, in other words. They haven't hooked up, but she is interested in another man there. That's what I think she is trying to tell you, unfortunately. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted October 24, 2021 Share Posted October 24, 2021 (edited) 5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: If she didn't just up and leave. It's not the pandemic. It's that she saw fit to leave you 1000s of miles behind. Do not try to work things out. You're daughter comes first, no? Why follow someone this indifferent to you? A year? She has made a new life for herself. Forget "remote working" or pretending a few years younger makes her "a good catch". She left you in the dust but you're not accepting this. Yep really , l was trying to give it a tiny bit of hope until you at least see ea other but tbh, this is basically exactly how it seems to me too. So do you really even want to anyway op? Edited October 24, 2021 by chillii 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author longdistance13 Posted October 28, 2021 Author Share Posted October 28, 2021 (edited) Thanks everyone for your replies.. So we had a very deep converation the other day and it seems that she hasnt been with anyone else but there was someone a while back who she had a crush on. She assures me nothing happened and she felt bad for even feeling that way, and those feelings passed quite quickly... This was just when she had moved, so she thinks it was down to the excitement of somewhere new etc and her feelings were mixed up. She has now said that she does still love me but given that it been a year since we have seen each other she is worried where we go from here, and she has partially emotionally detached... She thinks this will possibly come back when we see each other, so i guess the only thing to do is go there and see how it is... Now with travel restrictions reduced, i would hope we would never have to survive a year apart again, as thats not good for either of us, and we can try and see each other every couple of months at least... I guess only time will tell.. Wish me luck! Best Edited October 28, 2021 by longdistance13 2 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 28, 2021 Share Posted October 28, 2021 On 10/22/2021 at 2:27 AM, longdistance13 said: and at least from my end i still know she is the one i want to grow old with... I am now thinking of moving there, but i also have my daughter to think about, You both are growing old as in now, present tense. Each day you are both getting older, not younger. This also implies that either one of you has to close the gap realistically for the relationship to continue. It's limping along and I agree that she is on the brink of moving on. 34 is quite young still. I wouldn't be surprised if she outgrows this situation/relationship quickly or tires of this as might you. I can't help but feel sad for your daughter if she loses her father and he moves to the US and I would also think that she knows any mention of feelings on her part will play a role in how your relationship with your daughter is affected. Are you hoping to move to the US or for her to move back to Europe? Link to post Share on other sites
Author longdistance13 Posted October 28, 2021 Author Share Posted October 28, 2021 I agree Glows thank you. The problem is our jobs are quite dynamic, and are short term contracts until you get a fixed position, but those fixed positions are rare... In an ideal world she would come back here for a few years, and then if she still wants to be in the States in a few years (when my daughter is say 16-18) then we go and do that adventure together, as ive also wanted to live there but have been job/family restricted... I think part of the reason she doesnt want me to go there is, as you say, because of my daughter, and i get that, as she doesnt want me to resent her for any problems i may have in the future and obviously it wouldnt be ideal, but at the same time i think we both know we are meant to be together- either way... This is why its so difficult! Thanks for listening... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author longdistance13 Posted November 11, 2021 Author Share Posted November 11, 2021 Hi all.. so I finally got here... We have been together for two days and the friendship aspect is there and stronger than ever..its like we have never been apart... We are sleeping in the same bed, but tonight she told me she doesn't want to be physical with me although we are cuddling... I really wish I didn't love and care for her so much...she tells me she love me still and is so happy to see me but the sex isn't there anymore.. she promises me nothing has happened with anyone else and I believe that... Is her libido just low or do I just give it time...or do I just go off and enjoy a USA holiday alone... Any advice is welcome.... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 11, 2021 Share Posted November 11, 2021 On 10/22/2021 at 11:06 AM, elaine567 said: I wouldn't waste your money going over there. Seems I was right. She has lost the connection with you. She "loves" you as a friend not a lover. Of course she doesn't want to have sex with you, she sees no future with you. It was nice to keep the friendship going through the pandemic and whilst she was finding her feet. Now you have showed up at her door and in her bed, she is non-plussed and has rejected your advances... I guess the relationship was really over for her as soon as she decided to go to the US. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 11, 2021 Share Posted November 11, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, longdistance13 said: ...she tells me she love me still and is so happy to see me but the sex isn't there anymore. Sorry this happened but when she moved away it was over. Yes continue your vacation but don't try to work on something she's not interested in. Edited November 11, 2021 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
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