Saartje Posted October 21, 2021 Posted October 21, 2021 Hi everyone, I’ve known this guy for about 10 years. When we first met we had an instant attraction, but I was in a committed relationship. He did several things to make clear he was attracted to me, bought me a gift etc. I had to keep him at distance. Bc of changing circumstances, we didnt see each other for years, he got in to a relationship as well. FF to 3 months ago, he started contacting me again. We texted every day, but it was mere platonic. We decided to grab a drink together. It was during this drink that he claimed he had a rough time in his relationship. She has al kind of mental problems, was hospitalized and he states that he is always taking care of her etc. At the end of the drink, he made a remark, stating that I looked just as beautiful as 10 years ago. We kept on texting, still platonic. He made clear that he would like to see me every week. I myself noticed that I started to feel something for him, but I wanted to keep it platonic and ‘correct’. In total, we met each other 4 times in a span of 4 weeks. He made all kinds of remarks that were referring to me as being beautiful, he said he still has a ‘soft spot’ for me. Saying how he enjoyed my company. His texts after that started to become a little sexual, I went in it a bit but I said that it’s gonna stop there, since he is committed. He said he’s been crushing on me for years and that he can’t believe that we’re in this situation now. We saw each other yesterday again, on his request, he said that he would like to talk to me in person bc he’s really head over heels for me. We had a talk, about his feelings, he said he feels really strongly for me. That he looks forward to spending the future with me. I told him that I feel the same, but that we cannot start anything (not even kissing) until he’s ended his current relationship. He agreed, but he didnt say that he’s going to do that. When I was home, he texted me that he’s still on cloud 9. I said I was on cloud 9 as well, but that I’m also confused and that I’m not going to do anything any further with him, until he’s truly single. I said that we should take a time-out of at least a week to come to senses and to think clearly about what we want. He said he would hate to do that, but that he agrees. But; no word from his side about really breaking up with his GF. He did jokingly said that I was being impatient with him, since he only . I told him it was not being impatient, but just following my moral compass and protection myself and my feelings. He said he admired it. So, now we’re on a time-out, and I notice I’m getting more and more irritated with him. Fist, flirting with me for weeks, stating his strong feelings for me. But then, when I admit that I also have these feelings, he’s not doing anything with it so far. Should I be more patient? He feels really sincere in his emotions, but I think he’s really hesitant on breaking up with his GF.
Wiseman2 Posted October 21, 2021 Posted October 21, 2021 1 hour ago, Saartje said: I notice I’m getting more and more irritated with him. Excellent. It means your instincts are intact that his "GF doesn't understand me and is crazy" story is nonsense. He should be paying you $250/Hr. to listen to this drivel about poor him, his crazy GF, etc. You need to stop seeing him and entertaining his nonsense. 5 2
vla1120 Posted October 21, 2021 Posted October 21, 2021 2 hours ago, Saartje said: I think he’s really hesitant on breaking up with his GF. Go no contact and tell him he can contact you when he is free. 2 2
elaine567 Posted October 21, 2021 Posted October 21, 2021 He is hoping to make an OW out of you. He is ripe for an affair and you are his chosen subject. You are kind of spoiling it for him by suggesting he break up with his gf, as that wasn't in the plan. Now, he will play the waiting game. At some point, he will figure, you will not be able to resist him... 3 1
Savannah1990 Posted October 21, 2021 Posted October 21, 2021 (edited) 30 minutes ago, elaine567 said: He is hoping to make an OW out of you. He is ripe for an affair and you are his chosen subject. You are kind of spoiling it for him by suggesting he break up with his gf, as that wasn't in the plan. Now, he will play the waiting game. At some point, he will figure, you will not be able to resist him... yes, that could be how the situation is. Well, too bad for him, I will never ever give in if he's in a relationship, and I'm seriously doubting if I still want it when he's single. thing is; he seems/seemed really vulnerable and sincere. But he's sending mixed signals. I told him yesterday 'listen, my instinct is telling me that our contact will end here. Youll stay with your GF, I'll find someone else.' he was 'really hurt' when I said this. He said 'his instinct is saying something else'. But if it is, why isnt he acting accordingly. LOL. He says his GF is totally dependant on him. That he got used to that but its seriously weighing its toll on him and that he's starting to see that its ok to choose for himself. Edited October 21, 2021 by Savannah1990
glows Posted October 21, 2021 Posted October 21, 2021 3 hours ago, Saartje said: Should I be more patient? Of course not. The cloud 9 is a puff, a smoke screen. Let him go. He is too confused. Think about whether you want to associate with someone who is able to two time someone else. 2
dramafreezone Posted October 21, 2021 Posted October 21, 2021 6 hours ago, Saartje said: FF to 3 months ago, he started contacting me again. We texted every day, but it was mere platonic. Ha, it was never platonic on his end. 6 hours ago, Saartje said: So, now we’re on a time-out, and I notice I’m getting more and more irritated with him. Fist, flirting with me for weeks, stating his strong feelings for me. But then, when I admit that I also have these feelings, he’s not doing anything with it so far. Should I be more patient? He feels really sincere in his emotions, but I think he’s really hesitant on breaking up with his GF. Judge people by their actions, not their words. You have a moral standard here so you have to stick by it. 1
poppyfields Posted October 21, 2021 Posted October 21, 2021 (edited) 7 hours ago, Saartje said: He said he’s been crushing on me for years he said that he would like to talk to me in person bc he’s really head over heels for me. We had a talk, about his feelings, he said he feels really strongly for me. That he looks forward to spending the future with me. I told him that I feel the same, but that we cannot start anything (not even kissing) until he’s ended his current relationship. He agreed, but he didnt say that he’s going to do that. When I was home, he texted me that he’s still on cloud 9 I bolded the relevant parts. So, the guy is in a committed relationship, refuses to leave but love-bombing with you with all that, well BS? My only advise @Saartje is run like hell from ANY men who hits you up with that ****, especially a man who's in a committed relationship! Not sure what you're thinking quite frankly, those comments would make me cringe even if he were NOT in a committed relationship. Complete and utter turn off from someone you just reconnected with after 10 years. I realize that type of validation can be flattering, but try to not get pulled into that. It's not real as evidence by him pulling away now. It reflects he's fantasy-driven at best. A disingenuous scammer at worst. Edited October 21, 2021 by poppyfields
poppyfields Posted October 22, 2021 Posted October 22, 2021 1 hour ago, Sun Seeker said: He just wants to sleep with you. Yup. That's pretty much it. 1
Ami1uwant Posted October 22, 2021 Posted October 22, 2021 10 hours ago, Saartje said: Hi everyone, I’ve known this guy for about 10 years. When we first met we had an instant attraction, but I was in a committed relationship. He did several things to make clear he was attracted to me, bought me a gift etc. I had to keep him at distance. Bc of changing circumstances, we didnt see each other for years, he got in to a relationship as well. FF to 3 months ago, he started contacting me again. We texted every day, but it was mere platonic. We decided to grab a drink together. It was during this drink that he claimed he had a rough time in his relationship. She has al kind of mental problems, was hospitalized and he states that he is always taking care of her etc. At the end of the drink, he made a remark, stating that I looked just as beautiful as 10 years ago. We kept on texting, still platonic. He made clear that he would like to see me every week. I myself noticed that I started to feel something for him, but I wanted to keep it platonic and ‘correct’. In total, we met each other 4 times in a span of 4 weeks. He made all kinds of remarks that were referring to me as being beautiful, he said he still has a ‘soft spot’ for me. Saying how he enjoyed my company. His texts after that started to become a little sexual, I went in it a bit but I said that it’s gonna stop there, since he is committed. He said he’s been crushing on me for years and that he can’t believe that we’re in this situation now. We saw each other yesterday again, on his request, he said that he would like to talk to me in person bc he’s really head over heels for me. We had a talk, about his feelings, he said he feels really strongly for me. That he looks forward to spending the future with me. I told him that I feel the same, but that we cannot start anything (not even kissing) until he’s ended his current relationship. He agreed, but he didnt say that he’s going to do that. When I was home, he texted me that he’s still on cloud 9. I said I was on cloud 9 as well, but that I’m also confused and that I’m not going to do anything any further with him, until he’s truly single. I said that we should take a time-out of at least a week to come to senses and to think clearly about what we want. He said he would hate to do that, but that he agrees. But; no word from his side about really breaking up with his GF. He did jokingly said that I was being impatient with him, since he only . I told him it was not being impatient, but just following my moral compass and protection myself and my feelings. He said he admired it. So, now we’re on a time-out, and I notice I’m getting more and more irritated with him. Fist, flirting with me for weeks, stating his strong feelings for me. But then, when I admit that I also have these feelings, he’s not doing anything with it so far. Should I be more patient? He feels really sincere in his emotions, but I think he’s really hesitant on breaking up with his GF. H has feelings for you but he’s married. Does he throw his life into the air to go with you on a hunch?
ExpatInItaly Posted October 22, 2021 Posted October 22, 2021 12 hours ago, Savannah1990 said: Well, too bad for him, I will never ever give in if he's in a relationship, and I'm seriously doubting if I still want it when he's single. Psst...wrong account. You posted this thread as @Saartje. 1 2
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted October 22, 2021 Posted October 22, 2021 23 hours ago, Saartje said: Hi everyone, I’ve known this guy for about 10 years. When we first met we had an instant attraction, but I was in a committed relationship. He did several things to make clear he was attracted to me, bought me a gift etc. I had to keep him at distance. Bc of changing circumstances, we didnt see each other for years, he got in to a relationship as well. FF to 3 months ago, he started contacting me again. We texted every day, but it was mere platonic. We decided to grab a drink together. It was during this drink that he claimed he had a rough time in his relationship. She has al kind of mental problems, was hospitalized and he states that he is always taking care of her etc. At the end of the drink, he made a remark, stating that I looked just as beautiful as 10 years ago. We kept on texting, still platonic. He made clear that he would like to see me every week. I myself noticed that I started to feel something for him, but I wanted to keep it platonic and ‘correct’. In total, we met each other 4 times in a span of 4 weeks. He made all kinds of remarks that were referring to me as being beautiful, he said he still has a ‘soft spot’ for me. Saying how he enjoyed my company. His texts after that started to become a little sexual, I went in it a bit but I said that it’s gonna stop there, since he is committed. He said he’s been crushing on me for years and that he can’t believe that we’re in this situation now. We saw each other yesterday again, on his request, he said that he would like to talk to me in person bc he’s really head over heels for me. We had a talk, about his feelings, he said he feels really strongly for me. That he looks forward to spending the future with me. I told him that I feel the same, but that we cannot start anything (not even kissing) until he’s ended his current relationship. He agreed, but he didnt say that he’s going to do that. When I was home, he texted me that he’s still on cloud 9. I said I was on cloud 9 as well, but that I’m also confused and that I’m not going to do anything any further with him, until he’s truly single. I said that we should take a time-out of at least a week to come to senses and to think clearly about what we want. He said he would hate to do that, but that he agrees. But; no word from his side about really breaking up with his GF. He did jokingly said that I was being impatient with him, since he only . I told him it was not being impatient, but just following my moral compass and protection myself and my feelings. He said he admired it. So, now we’re on a time-out, and I notice I’m getting more and more irritated with him. Fist, flirting with me for weeks, stating his strong feelings for me. But then, when I admit that I also have these feelings, he’s not doing anything with it so far. Should I be more patient? He feels really sincere in his emotions, but I think he’s really hesitant on breaking up with his GF. You are being played. He's relying on a woman's desire to "take" a man's attention away from another woman to get you where he wants you--emotionally weak and hopefully in bed. The minute he started bad mouthing his girlfriend behind her back, you should have realized what kind of sleaze ball character he has. 1
spiderowl Posted October 23, 2021 Posted October 23, 2021 It sounds like he's always liked you. Now you've met again, he's hoping for a chance, but he's attached. I think you are right to say you would not take it further unless he left his girlfriend. If he is living with her, it is a big move for them to separate, so not something he is likely to do overnight. Although he may be complaining about her, this is what guys tend to do when they are looking for an affair. They rarely leave their security blanket (er, partner)!
BaileyB Posted October 23, 2021 Posted October 23, 2021 (edited) Classic love story… You've known him for years. He contacts you out of the blue - strictly platonic. The contact and communication escalates until he disclosed his relationship status - his girlfriend is crazy and he takes care of her. What a good guy, give him some sympathy… He turns the conversation sexual - you don’t shut his down, so he knows it’s safe to continue… Things progress, you tell him that you have developed feelings. Low and behold, he feels the same. But what about the girlfriend? It’s a no brainer - right? I mean, he’s been crushing on you for years… this is his opportunity to end his relationship and be with the woman he really wants - right? So, why the hesitation? Can you believe what he says… Kudos to you for Not jumping in with two feet when he is in another relationship - although, it seems like you are tempted. I say, stick to your guns… What you have described here is from the cheaters playbook. If he is serious about being in a relationship with you - he will end his other relationship and he will BE WITH YOU. Edited October 23, 2021 by BaileyB 1
BaileyB Posted October 23, 2021 Posted October 23, 2021 On 10/21/2021 at 11:30 AM, elaine567 said: At some point, he will figure, you will not be able to resist him... This is pretty much what he is banking on… that he is so darn irresistible that your heart will overrule your head. 1
Alvi Posted October 24, 2021 Posted October 24, 2021 (edited) Congratulations! This guy has nominated you for the role of his sidepiece. Lucky you, huh? Kidding. Seriously, he is not married to that woman, they have no kids together. If he wants to walk away, what is stopping him? Really nothing. Except that he doesn't want to. He want to have her in his life and a little fun on a side. This is where you come in. Please block him and lose his number. Don't allow a guy to demean you like that. Also, please understand that he is hardly a prize and likely not that faithful in case that he does eventually breaks up with his GF and comes sniffing around you again. On 10/21/2021 at 7:57 AM, Saartje said: She has al kind of mental problems, was hospitalized and he states that he is always taking care of her etc. Sure, she is crazy as hell, lol. And yet he stays with her, lol. Isn't it what every guy, who is in a relationship but looking to cheat, tells the other woman. I would love to hear her take on that one. Edited October 24, 2021 by Alvi 2
stillafool Posted October 24, 2021 Posted October 24, 2021 He's just looking for sex on the side. There is nothing tying him to that woman. He can leave or trade up anytime he wants to. He didn't say anything about it because he doesn't want to leave her and probably will end up marrying her.
Author Saartje Posted October 25, 2021 Author Posted October 25, 2021 Thank you all for your replies.. I just wanted to give you a heads up; he left his GF.. I really, really didn't expected him to do this. He says he just wants to end this all cleanly with her, and then really give us a chance.
Wiseman2 Posted October 25, 2021 Posted October 25, 2021 29 minutes ago, Saartje said: he left his GF.. Do they live together? It seems like an on/off situation for them.
Author Saartje Posted October 25, 2021 Author Posted October 25, 2021 17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Do they live together? It seems like an on/off situation for them. No they don't, because of complicated situations with insurance/ not wanting to leave their own towns etc. It's not an on/off situation though, it was a committed relationship
ExpatInItaly Posted October 25, 2021 Posted October 25, 2021 2 hours ago, Saartje said: He says he just wants to end this all cleanly with her, and then really give us a chance. Just tread very cautiously. You know that his moral compass is off.
Drone Posted October 25, 2021 Posted October 25, 2021 (edited) Saartje, correct me if I am wrong, but I still recall your lengthy thread in the "Other Man/Woman" section, with you being the OW to that same guy. You are not presenting the true facts in your current thread. You have been meeting up with this guy one-twice per year when he travels on business to your town, to have intimate relations behind your partners' back. Everybody back then in your other thread was telling you that you were wasting your time...that was 3-4 years ago. It is beyond my comprehension that 10 years on, you are still entangled in this lose-lose situation. 10 precious years of your time wasted on this guy and you keep on doing it. As you can see from your recent interaction with him, nothing has changed and he only comes around sniffing for s*x. Knowing your history with him, you have been playing with fire agreeing to meet up with him. And please drop that BS about "your moral compass", etc, it is not that what stopped you from sleeping with him this time. Fortunately, after 10 years it starts to dawn on you that you have been used as unpaid escort when he is on business trip. Used with your permission. So, when will you finally put an end to this toxic affair? Edited October 25, 2021 by Drone 1
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