Did I mess things up?

[pixie222]

7 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

You've assigned all these positive qualities to this man from the very beginning, when you don't even know him. It takes time to get to know someone. In fact, the first 3-4 months are when people put their best foot forward and are wearing their social mask. He can tell you all day he wants the same things as you, but what does his behavior tell you? Behavior is far more reliable than words.

Also, what does your instinct/women's intuition/gut feeling tell you is going on here?

I’ve done a lot of thinking since I first posted this. I’ve put way too much pressure on myself and on him. Everyone is absolutely right about not really knowing him. And that it should be fun.  I’m changing my approach. If I hear from him, I hear from him. If I don’t, I don’t.  If it doesn’t work out, that’s fine too.  I’m going to have a more carefree attitude with this. Whatever happens, happens.

As I mentioned before, it’s been 3 years since I’ve dated at all! I’ve lost my game haha. It’s hard really getting back into it. I forgot how to.

My intuition/gut hasn’t changed since we first talked. He’s a good guy, with good intentions and he wants the same things as me. However, this may change as I get to know him even more. 

Also, side note, we are hanging out this afternoon. But I’m not going to talk about the future or anything like that. I’m going to keep it carefree and fun. 

Edited October 21, 2021 by pixie222

[pixie222]

Wow. Okay. He cancelled on me. “A family thing came up.” Instinct is that’s a total lie. Guess it’s over.

[stillafool]

Did he contact you to hang out or did you contact him?

[pixie222]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Did he contact you to hang out or did you contact him?

We texted last night and he asked me to, but I might have brought it up. Obviously my fault. I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m so bad at dating!!

Edited October 21, 2021 by pixie222

[stillafool]

Did he text you first?

[pixie222]

Just now, stillafool said:

Did he text you first?

I texted him first

[stillafool]

14 minutes ago, pixie222 said:

I texted him first

What happened to this:

On 10/20/2021 at 8:49 AM, pixie222 said:

And I'm not pushing at all, as I sense him pulling away.  I'll leave it up to him. 

 

[pixie222]

33 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What happened to this:

 

I caved. In hindsight, so dumb of me to do!!

My sister was like, maybe he gave an obvious lie to let me down gently. Like make it an obvious rejection though.

Anyhow, it doesn’t matter. I’m over it and moving on. 

Edited October 21, 2021 by pixie222

[glows]

It's not dumb to text him. And you are not bad at dating. Just leave it, assign no care to it. He opted out so let him be. You're now free to meet other men or free up your time to do greater things.

[pixie222]

Okay, update. He texted later that day and said there was a death in the family. Okay, I felt bad then for thinking he was lying. So I did text him back in reply. We texted a few times and that was the last we talked. Yesterday. I haven’t heard from him today and I don’t expect to. But I’m still confused on whether if I ever will hear from him again. I’m not going to initiate any texts to him this time - for real. I’m just not sure what to think at this point.

[CUP OF TEA]

11 minutes ago, pixie222 said:

Okay, update. He texted later that day and said there was a death in the family. Okay, I felt bad then for thinking he was lying. So I did text him back in reply. We texted a few times and that was the last we talked. Yesterday. I haven’t heard from him today and I don’t expect to. But I’m still confused on whether if I ever will hear from him again. I’m not going to initiate any texts to him this time - for real. I’m just not sure what to think at this point.

I am like an FBI agent when it comes to uncovering lies/deception. If there really was a death in the family that would explain why he's not going to be timely in his responses to you as he's more concerned about the recent demise of a family member. What I would do? Confirm the death by Googling his last name and see if there are any recent obituaries in your area with that name and if he is listed as a relative. Did he tell how the person was related to him, ie - uncle, aunt, etc?

[pixie222]

3 minutes ago, CUP OF TEA said:

I am like an FBI agent when it comes to uncovering lies/deception. If there really was a death in the family that would explain why he's not going to be timely in his responses to you as he's more concerned about the recent demise of a family member. What I would do? Confirm the death by Googling his last name and see if there are any recent obituaries in your area with that name and if he is listed as a relative. Did he tell how the person was related to him, ie - uncle, aunt, etc?

Cousin, so last name could be anything! I can’t even remember if it was a woman or man. He told me before but I forgot.

[CUP OF TEA]

1 hour ago, pixie222 said:

Cousin, so last name could be anything! I can’t even remember if it was a woman or man. He told me before but I forgot.

Just look up recent obits and see if you can find his name listed in relatives. If he's telling the truth at least it will ease your mind and there might be hope.

[Wiseman2]

Step back. He's too flaky.

Does he have an on/off GF buzzing around?

Something's up with the hot/cold routine.

[pixie222]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Step back. He's too flaky.

Does he have an on/off GF buzzing around?

Something's up with the hot/cold routine.

I admit he’s become hot/cold with me.

But I’m trying to do things differently this time. I was once the jealous/accusing/controlling girlfriend before and I’m not going to be that way again with anyone. I learned a lot from that. 

He’s not my boyfriend yet, we’re not serious, so I’m not going to act like he is. And I’m not going to just accuse him of things. I was hot/cold with him a couple of days and he took notice. But it was literally work stress, nothing to do with him. And I got over it.

I think at this point I need to give him the benefit of the doubt.  I’m just going to let whatever happens, happen. If he is seeing someone else, okay. If not, okay. But my insurance is that I’m NOT sleeping him. I think that makes a world of difference when it comes to dating. 

Edited October 23, 2021 by pixie222

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, pixie222 said:

If he is seeing someone else, okay. If not, okay

Why settle for this along with flaky and hot/cold? You could date men who are more consistent and more interested.

Not having sex is no insurance for wasting your time and energy on anyone. It simply means you're playing a defensive game in a lose-lose situation.

[pixie222]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why settle for this along with flaky and hot/cold? You could date men who are more consistent and more interested.

Not having sex is no insurance for wasting your time and energy on anyone. It simply means you're playing a defensive game in a lose-lose situation.

I used to date a lot. And I can unequivocally say all men are the same. I tried all different backgrounds, and every single one was the same. Or maybe I have a knack for consistently choosing the wrong men. 

I meant more of if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. 

Any tips for dating would be appreciated though!! Like what am I missing? Maybe I’m too nice and forgiving. 

[glows]

You're very hyperfocused on this man. Are you able to shelve this and busy yourself with other things? Let this run in the background. Situations often sort themselves out or not at all and you have to do very little. 

As there's a death in the family, leave it. Worrying yourself, pressing for more info from him, having expectations that he be more chatty or for him to ask you out now right this minute this day or this week is a waste of energy. He will either fade right out due to the circumstances or other reasons or make the effort. In the meantime make plans to meet other men, or, take some time to yourself. 

[mortensorchid]

You two are in full blown infatuation right now, your hormones are spiked and remaining at a high for the next 6-10 months.  You are not thinking too rationally right now.  Remember, infatuation wears off and when it does, then you are thinking more rationally.  Don't think about THE FUTURE because you're not thinking too rationally.  RELAX.  Stop thinking that this guy is The ONE because he may not be.  Just have a good time.

 

[pixie222]

37 minutes ago, glows said:

You're very hyperfocused on this man. Are you able to shelve this and busy yourself with other things? Let this run in the background. Situations often sort themselves out or not at all and you have to do very little. 

As there's a death in the family, leave it. Worrying yourself, pressing for more info from him, having expectations that he be more chatty or for him to ask you out now right this minute this day or this week is a waste of energy. He will either fade right out due to the circumstances or other reasons or make the effort. In the meantime make plans to meet other men, or, take some time to yourself. 

I know. You’re right! I’m making projects for myself to keep my attention on. I’ll be working on it today and tomorrow. I’ll just have to keep coming up with things to keep busy.

[pixie222]

1 hour ago, mortensorchid said:

You two are in full blown infatuation right now, your hormones are spiked and remaining at a high for the next 6-10 months.  You are not thinking too rationally right now.  Remember, infatuation wears off and when it does, then you are thinking more rationally.  Don't think about THE FUTURE because you're not thinking too rationally.  RELAX.  Stop thinking that this guy is The ONE because he may not be.  Just have a good time.

 

All he does now is sexting... PG rated sexting since we haven’t slept together. The infatuation is real. But he doesn’t ask how I am or how my day is anymore. Or anything else at all. Only “sexting”. And that definitely makes me want to date other guys and that he’s not the one. But I don’t want to ignore him.

[glows]

11 minutes ago, pixie222 said:

All he does now is sexting... PG rated sexting since we haven’t slept together. The infatuation is real. But he doesn’t ask how I am or how my day is anymore. Or anything else at all. Only “sexting”. And that definitely makes me want to date other guys and that he’s not the one. But I don’t want to ignore him.

Ignore him. If he’s not asking you out and wanting sexy time virtually on a screen, this man is wasting your time. 

[stillafool]

23 minutes ago, pixie222 said:

But I don’t want to ignore him.

Why?  If he can't have a proper conversation why engage with him?

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, pixie222 said:

All he does now is sexting... PG rated sexting since we haven’t slept together. The infatuation is real. But he doesn’t ask how I am or how my day is anymore. Or anything else at all. Only “sexting”. And that definitely makes me want to date other guys and that he’s not the one. But I don’t want to ignore him.

"Sexting" without "dating" (i.e. spending time together in person) is NOT infatuation.

It's actually the opposite, it's debasing and disrespectful to you. 

It appears because you have a history of jealousy and controlling behavior, to avoid repeating that behavior, you have gone to the other extreme - becoming much too permissive and accepting of disrespectful behaviour.

Strive to find a balance.  I rarely say something is a "waste of time" but in this case it IS!

To add, my own intuition is screaming this story about a "death in his family" is not true.  It's an avoidance tactic (to avoid spending actual time with you) and it's quite a common excuse, straight out of the books.

This way you can't get angry at him for avoiding or otherwise treating you like yesterday's news because, well poor thing he just lost his cousin. Ugh.

I'm not heartless but what a load. No man who is actually interested in you and in dating you is going to avoid you because his cousin died, if even true, which I highly doubt.  It just doesn't add up.

Be smarter than this pixie, seriously. Toughen up, learn when you are being played. 

Don't be jealous and controlling but don't become too permissive either. Find that balance. 

 

Edited October 23, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

18 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

No man who is actually interested in you and in dating you is going to avoid spending time with you (but still want to SEXT with you??) because his cousin died, not gonna happen. 

Edit^^