Did I mess things up?

[pixie222]

I met this guy on a dating app.  We hit it off right away.  We started talking on the phone for hours and hours everyday and texted everyday.  We finally met for the first time a week later.  We immediately had chemistry.  We hung out the next night too.  We did not sleep together, but we did make out.  Three days later we hung out again and made out.

Prior to meeting we discovered we have the same exact values and expectations and goals.  Everything lined up.  He also said he didn't want to casually date but was looking for a relationship/marriage.  Lines up with what I want.  So we decide to date exclusively, even deleted our dating profiles.  He kept talking about the future and where this will go.

Well, since we made out - still not sleep together, all he talks about is physical things.  He doesn't mention sex, because we both decided that's not what we want right now.  But all he talks about is how I'm sexy and how great he felt kissing me, etc.

Did I screw things up? Is he still wanting relationship/future?

I should also note that since we hung out 2 days ago, he has not asked to see me again?? He is most likely going out of town this weekend with his family.  However, just a week ago we were making future plans.  Now, he has made no plans to see me before the weekend.  And we haven't talked on the phone, we have only texted the last 2 days.

I should add, I haven't dated at all in 3 years, so I'm a little rusty in this area.  Did we move too quickly? How do I know he still wants the same things? I realize it's only been almost 2 weeks, but it feels longer since we've gotten to know each other so in depth.

I just need to some guidance, I'm so bad at dating.  And I really, really like him and don't want to screw this up.  I can see this being long term and I want it to be long term.  What should I do???

Any advice is appreciated!!!!!

[Calmandfocused]

I’m probably not the best person to answer this as I’m going through my own early dating bumps. However this is how I see it; 

First I’d strongly advise you to stop focusing on the future and instead look at what is happening now. You don’t really know this man. You’ve no idea whether you’ll be in a long term relationship with him. Take the pressure off by taking your eggs out of his basket. Stop putting so much focus on him. 
 

Second I do think that he IS pulling back. Why? I don’t know but I can tell you that if you push he will back away further. 
 

My advice to you would be mirror his behaviour by backing off and just observe what happens. If he decides to disappear then let him. 

However, know that you do not have to accept his terms and conditions. If he wants to revert back to texting you don’t have to engage. You have more power here than you know. 
 

Btw, I’m not buying him being ok with not having sex. Judging by what you’ve said above that declaration is clearly false. 

Edited October 20, 2021 by Calmandfocused

[pixie222]

Thank you so much! You are right.  And I'm not pushing at all, as I sense him pulling away.  I'll leave it up to him.  I think we were both just so excited and wanted everything all at once right away.  I guess maybe he's thinking it's too much and maybe a weekend away to think about it will be good and he'll decide if he wants to move forward or not.

I will definitely let him disappear if he wants to.  I don't chase men.  

[endlesspossiblities]

19 minutes ago, pixie222 said:

Thank you so much! You are right.  And I'm not pushing at all, as I sense him pulling away.  I'll leave it up to him.  I think we were both just so excited and wanted everything all at once right away.  I guess maybe he's thinking it's too much and maybe a weekend away to think about it will be good and he'll decide if he wants to move forward or not.

I will definitely let him disappear if he wants to.  I don't chase men.  

Definitely DON'T chase that seems to send all sorts of mixed signals to men (from a man's perspective).  Let him pursue YOU

[pixie222]

Quote

Btw, I’m not buying him being ok with not having sex. Judging by what you’ve said above that declaration is clearly false. 

 

If he's not ok with not having sex, then I guess it's over, because I'm not going to.  My one friend also said that even though we are both Christian and that's why we want to abstain, that 99.9% of Christian men are flexible on that.  But I made a conscious decision, that casual sex is off the table.

Edited October 20, 2021 by pixie222

[pixie222]

1 minute ago, endlesspossiblities said:

Definitely DON'T chase that seems to send all sorts of mixed signals to men (from a man's perspective).  Let him pursue YOU

Yes!  I will not initiate any texts from here on out.  And he was texting me in the mornings, but I guess he's not anymore.  Maybe he rejoined a dating site and is over me.

Did I screw things up by making out with him so much? Is that the problem here?

[endlesspossiblities]

1 minute ago, pixie222 said:

Yes!  I will not initiate any texts from here on out.  And he was texting me in the mornings, but I guess he's not anymore.  Maybe he rejoined a dating site and is over me.

Did I screw things up by making out with him so much? Is that the problem here?

I would not think so Pixie.  I think it's ON HIM.  Maybe, he is FICKLE, maybe he likes the chase and once that is over he is not engaged.....who knows. I doubt you will have trouble attracting the attention of another

[pixie222]

Dating is so hard... why did I get back into it? Haha.

I’m hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.

I hope he decides this is worth the effort and pursues me more.

[endlesspossiblities]

21 minutes ago, pixie222 said:

Dating is so hard... why did I get back into it? Haha.

I’m hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.

I hope he decides this is worth the effort and pursues me more.

If not, it's his LOSS.  You will find who is right for YOU.  That's the key......who is RIGHT for PIXIE.

Matters of the heart are always full of twists and turns it seems

[pixie222]

3 minutes ago, endlesspossiblities said:

If not, it's his LOSS.  You will find who is right for YOU.  That's the key......who is RIGHT for PIXIE.

Matters of the heart are always full of twists and turns it seems

It never seems to be a easy path!

[endlesspossiblities]

3 minutes ago, pixie222 said:

It never seems to be a easy path!

Indeed, it does NOT....but it is worth the journey in the end

[ShyViolet]

You 100% moved too fast and got way too invested in someone you have only known literally two weeks.  That's never a good idea and rarely ends well.  When you've only met someone in person one or two times, you should NOT be talking about the "future" and being exclusive.  You are literally just getting to know this person.  When you build up these huge expectations so early, you set yourself up for it all to coming crashing down.

[pixie222]

1 minute ago, ShyViolet said:

You 100% moved too fast and got way too invested in someone you have only known literally two weeks.  That's never a good idea and rarely ends well.  When you've only met someone in person one or two times, you should NOT be talking about the "future" and being exclusive.  You are literally just getting to know this person.  When you build up these huge expectations so early, you set yourself up for it all to coming crashing down.

That’s what I was afraid of. Is there a way to fix it? Maybe him taking a step back is good? 

[stillafool]

I think it's odd 

2 hours ago, pixie222 said:

He is most likely going out of town this weekend with his family.  However, just a week ago we were making future plans.  Now, he has made no plans to see me before the weekend.

It's odd that so many men are having to go out of town for the weekend or on vacation all of a sudden.  It's not just happening here OP, I'm seeing it everywhere on women's threads.

[pixie222]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I think it's odd 

It's odd that so many men are having to go out of town for the weekend or on vacation all of a sudden.  It's not just happening here OP, I'm seeing it everywhere on women's threads.

I know he’s not just making it up. It is hunting season here and him and his family go hunting A LOT. They have land where they do it. So I know it’s legit. A lot of people do here.

However, it is a little odd he showed me the hunting schedule and didn’t follow up with... “but I’ll be here these days and we can see each other then.”

Maybe I should just forget about him. It has only been 2 weeks. I just feel so discouraged about it all.

[Lotsgoingon]

3 hours ago, pixie222 said:

 hit it off right away.  We started talking on the phone for hours and hours everyday and texted everyday.  We finally met for the first time a week later.  We immediately had chemistry.  We hung out the next night too. 

You cannot know someone by texting for hours and hours. And in texting you only are getting information about the person outside of what really matters--how the person really lives. You get how the person PRESENTS themselves in highly edited, super-carefully composed bits of witty writing. You don't even know if you like the person's forehead, you don't know if you like the way they walk. You don't know how their voice sounds. Voice is huge in attraction and compatibility. You really don't even know how they think--you just know how they PRESENTED their thinking through the carefully scripted medium of texting. 

Cut out 90 percent of the texting. And just go meet the person--and go gradually. 

What you guys did was fall way too hard way too fast--you basically fused, started to act like you are one. Sorry, no such thing. You got intoxicated-infatuated, drenched in brain chemicals and hormones. You start acting like you really know each other when in fact, don't really know what the other prefers to eat if you were to go out, you don't know what their relationship was like with their parents (which is often key information). 

Probably when you guys met up, you were already so hyped on your texting (literally drugged out by the texting) that you both suppressed any real thinking as you interacted with each other. You suppressed any possible thought that could mean you two weren't a perfect fit. 

And then reality intrudes. Things quickly destabilize. You felt uncomfortable with all his physical talk, but because were still under the delusion that you didn't have differences to gradually figure out and negotiate, you didn't want to burst the bubble by saying something to him. Speaking up would have pulled you out of fantasy. 

Probably you have an anxious attachment style, which means you feel bonded to people way too fast, without trusting that you can stay in your own space, as your own person, with your own opinions and preferences and bond with someone deeply from the relaxed place of your own center.

Bottom line: go a lot slower. And drop all the texting. Texting is the biggest waste of time for dating. It's performance, and it's naturally addictive with the quick back and forth responses. Addicting talking has nothing to do with real compatibility.

Edited October 20, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[pixie222]

53 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Probably you have an anxious attachment style, which means you feel bonded to people way too fast, without trusting that you can stay in your own space, as your own person, with your own opinions and preferences and bond with someone deeply from the relaxed place of your own center.

Bottom line: go a lot slower. And drop all the texting. Texting is the biggest waste of time for dating. It's performance, and it's naturally addictive with the quick back and forth responses. Addicting talking has nothing to do with real compatibility.

Definitely true. And it did feel like a high that first week. We talked on the phone too, for like 5 hours at a time, on multiple days.  I know that’s not sustainable for anyone.

I did feel bonded super quick, but he did too! I guess the high is wearing off and reality is setting in. 

We’re super attracted to each other too. I think he’s the most gorgeous guy I’ve ever dated, obviously not to other people, just to me.

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, pixie222 said:

That’s what I was afraid of. Is there a way to fix it? Maybe him taking a step back is good? 

No, there is no such thing as "fixing it."  You need to just stop doing what you've been doing, take a step back and let him miss you.  See if he reaches out and makes an effort to spend time with you again.  Stop the endless texting.  And don't talk about the "future" with him for a while!

[pixie222]

I probably made the wrong move. Haven’t heard from him at all today. So I texted a simple, hey how are you, when I got off work. Needless to say he didn’t reply. But I did it because I wanted to be able to say at least I tried.

I won’t text him anymore now. Unless he ever replies. Which he used to respond very quickly and hasn’t. So I guess that’s my answer.

Edited October 20, 2021 by pixie222

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, pixie222 said:

I won’t text him anymore now. 

You can't "mess things up" with someone who's right for you.

Few red flags are: Way too much way too soon. Fake future talk and coming on way too strong.

So rather than think you blew it, you may be dodging a bullet.

Edited October 20, 2021 by Wiseman2

[glows]

Just relax. Make plans this weekend (not with him). Why does it have to be with him every weekend? You both only just met. Dating exclusively doesn't mean must meet or talk at every opportunity. Catch up next week and gauge the situation or whether the interest is still there then. No need to worry or hurry this. 

[pixie222]

6 minutes ago, glows said:

Just relax. Make plans this weekend (not with him). Why does it have to be with him every weekend? You both only just met. Dating exclusively doesn't mean must meet or talk at every opportunity. Catch up next week and gauge the situation or whether the interest is still there then. No need to worry or hurry this. 

Thank you. I know, you are right. I just really like him.

[glows]

Just now, pixie222 said:

Thank you. I know, you are right. I just really like him.

Yes and this is the fun part so try not to trip yourself over this. Enjoy it. Appreciate that he has a life outside of the relationship also and keep your eyes open. Date him to find out more about him, not to commit your whole heart and soul lock, stock and barrel at once. 

I usually give someone a good 24-48 hours to respond. Past that they are either in trouble or not interested so you can temper your expectations and interest level also.  

[CUP OF TEA]

Some guys expect sex on the third date and when you saw him the third time and it didn't happen he decided to look elsewhere. Sounds like he said all the right things which is what guys usually do when they want sex. If I were you I wouldn't contact him again. IF he contacts you and makes plans for another date then go for it and see how it goes. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

On 10/20/2021 at 7:10 AM, pixie222 said:

I met this guy on a dating app.  We hit it off right away.  We started talking on the phone for hours and hours everyday and texted everyday.  We finally met for the first time a week later.  We immediately had chemistry.  We hung out the next night too.  We did not sleep together, but we did make out.  Three days later we hung out again and made out.

Prior to meeting we discovered we have the same exact values and expectations and goals.  Everything lined up.  He also said he didn't want to casually date but was looking for a relationship/marriage.  Lines up with what I want.  So we decide to date exclusively, even deleted our dating profiles.  He kept talking about the future and where this will go.

Well, since we made out - still not sleep together, all he talks about is physical things.  He doesn't mention sex, because we both decided that's not what we want right now.  But all he talks about is how I'm sexy and how great he felt kissing me, etc.

Did I screw things up? Is he still wanting relationship/future?

I should also note that since we hung out 2 days ago, he has not asked to see me again?? He is most likely going out of town this weekend with his family.  However, just a week ago we were making future plans.  Now, he has made no plans to see me before the weekend.  And we haven't talked on the phone, we have only texted the last 2 days.

I should add, I haven't dated at all in 3 years, so I'm a little rusty in this area.  Did we move too quickly? How do I know he still wants the same things? I realize it's only been almost 2 weeks, but it feels longer since we've gotten to know each other so in depth.

I just need to some guidance, I'm so bad at dating.  And I really, really like him and don't want to screw this up.  I can see this being long term and I want it to be long term.  What should I do???

Any advice is appreciated!!!!!

You've assigned all these positive qualities to this man from the very beginning, when you don't even know him. It takes time to get to know someone. In fact, the first 3-4 months are when people put their best foot forward and are wearing their social mask. He can tell you all day he wants the same things as you, but what does his behavior tell you? Behavior is far more reliable than words.

Also, what does your instinct/women's intuition/gut feeling tell you is going on here?