I'm in a pickle - crush on my teacher

[Agentra]

Hi all, 

Hope you're well! I'm starting a thread in the hopes of getting some advice from you. 

I'm 23. I play the drums and recently picked up lessons again in a club that's very dear to me. My new teacher is 32-33 I believe, I've had a couple lessons with him. He's very fun, kind and his lessons have helped me tons. I've been enjoying them a lot until, low and behold, I realised I fancy him. 

I keep thinking it's not appropriate of me. I haven't made any moves because I don't want to ruin the lessons (things like this tend to blow up in my face), I have no idea if he's with somebody and I think I'm too young anyway. I don't think there's that much wrong with a 10 year age gap, but being early 20s is vastly different from early 30s.. 

I don't really know what to do. How have you behaved in situations like this? I haven't had a crush since I was 15.. 
 

Edit: No idea if this thread is in the right place, I am sorry if it isn't!

Edited October 20, 2021 by Agentra

[glows]

Getting involved with a student has the potential to ruin his career or set him back. It's unlikely he'll take that risk. If you're not able to focus on your music, it's a good idea to find another teacher.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Agentra said:

. I'm 23. I play the drums and recently picked up lessons again in a club that's very dear to me. My new teacher is 32-33 I believe, I've had a couple lessons with him. 

Perfectly normal to have a crush on the teacher. But it seems you realize you can't act on this for a host of reasons.

 

[Agentra]

You're both right. I wouldn't want to cause problems for him either. I'll suck it up and just keep on drumming! Thanks!

[Lotsgoingon]

If there is something legitimately there, it will happen without you strategizing. If he's feeling something, he will find a way to ask you out or the conversations between you two will naturally extend beyond the lessons. Again without you straining and stressing and plotting. 

Just be aware that there is this brain glitch that causes the person in your position to sometimes think that the "teacher" has their act together, knows what they're doing and on and on. That's 90 percent illusion. The teacher doesn't have their act together any more than you do--they just know their teaching activity better than you. 

Anyway, just chill. Students can develop crushes on their teachers if the bond between them is really good. 

I was in an activity about a year ago where I developed a mild crush on the teacher. But the more I got to know them, the more the crush faded, and this was mild, mild crushing. Assume for now it's a passing infatuation. If there is something there, he'll find a way to safely lead it--that is if he is worth being with. Depending on the context, what he should do if he really has an interest in you is to stop teaching you formally and recommend you go to someone else. If you're at a university, he can get fired for dating a student he is teaching. 

 

[Agentra]

Hi @Lotsgoingon, thanks for sharing your experience and advice. I've simply been going with the flow and enjoying the lessons, the last two times there's definitely been a shift in something though. We've had more casual banter, joking and the last lesson he also inquired about me, what I do, where I work etc. Might just be that we're not feeling like strangers anymore. 

Whatever it is, it's fine and a little crush is actually quite enjoyable :'). Just doing my best to keep my head out the clouds, like you said, I don't actually know him so getting ahead of myself would be dumb. Also don't want to approach him, for being his student and not wanting to get hurt again.

It's no fancy drumming school, it's for rock lovers who want to jam and get better at what they do. It's a place like in the movies, walls covered in graffiti and heavy doors that make scary noises. That's the best way to describe it, sorry.. 

[glows]

I'm sure you're doing great. As a teacher he'll know that you being comfortable or able to relax is part of creating good music too. Learning to play an instrument is fun so enjoy the lessons regardless. 

[dramafreezone]

I think you may just be attracted to his talent.  You are very passionate about the drums and you're in the presence of someone who presuably has mastery over that instrument, so you look up to him.  No harm in just continuing your lessons and getting to know him through that avenue, but I would not think about initiating anything more right now.

Edited November 1, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Lotsgoingon]

Oh, if he's at a rock jamming school most likely he's part time and his career isn't at risk for asking you out. 

Crushing can be fun, as long as you don't get too carried away--getting carried away can make it torture.

You don't have to hold back in sharing, but just chill and let it emerge. Sorta like the standard dating. You share, and when there's chemistry the other experiences a high and then they share and you experience a high. At some point, people realize their both experiencing highs ....

 

[Agentra]

On 11/1/2021 at 11:38 PM, dramafreezone said:

I think you may just be attracted to his talent.  You are very passionate about the drums and you're in the presence of someone who presuably has mastery over that instrument, so you look up to him.  No harm in just continuing your lessons and getting to know him through that avenue, but I would not think about initiating anything more right now.

That is a great point. He is incredibly talented and loves playing, I definitely do admire that and have already placed him on some kind of a pedestal through that alone. It's good to realise that. 

On 11/2/2021 at 12:05 AM, Lotsgoingon said:

Oh, if he's at a rock jamming school most likely he's part time and his career isn't at risk for asking you out. 

Crushing can be fun, as long as you don't get too carried away--getting carried away can make it torture.

You don't have to hold back in sharing, but just chill and let it emerge. Sorta like the standard dating. You share, and when there's chemistry the other experiences a high and then they share and you experience a high. At some point, people realize their both experiencing highs ....

 

Thanks for the pointers again! I'll lay back and continue on playing, see what happens. I have some gigs coming up next year, will let myself enjoy this little crush but put my energy into drums. If anything more happens then it will, if not, that's alright :).

Want to thank everybody for taking the time to read and comment, it's probably a bit silly but I'm like a headless chicken when it comes to these things. It really helped me think it all through and not blow it out of proportion. 

[Alpacalia]

Are you connected on Social Media?

You could always follow, unfollow, and then follow him again.

That happened to me once, and it caused me to inquire as to why the person kept doing that.

[Agentra]

Just now, Alpaca said:

Are you connected on Social Media?

You could always follow, unfollow, and then follow him again.

That happened to me once, and it caused me to inquire as to why the person kept doing that.

I don't use social media, at all, and I wouldn't want to be sneaky or play games either haha. Things like that stress me out :')

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Agentra said:

I don't use social media, at all, and I wouldn't want to be sneaky or play games either haha. Things like that stress me out :')

Good.

Remember that the majority of crushes are only momentary. They're also natural. It'll pass, just sit it out. You'll almost certainly have a thousand of them in your life, and almost all of them will be meaningless in the end, save for the pleasure of the longing.