LD affair looks like turning into a real relationship and I'm having a lot of anxiety

[ScientificThoughts]

1 minute ago, PotatoHead said:

Sorry to hear that you're struggling.  I was in a similar situation not long ago, LDR started while both of us were still married and in the process of separation and divorce.

To learn from my mistake, I would not get romantically involved until he is officially divorced, free and clear.  Things get really messy really fast when his wife starts thinking that you're the reason he's left her.  Plus there is a kid involved.  If that woman is as crazy as she claims, she will stop at nothing to make your lives hell and take whatever she can from him, using the kid as needed to get what she wants.   Ask me how I know.

Also, even if they're sleeping in separate beds, don't let him convince you that they aren't still intimate from time to time.  It's human nature, we all have needs, she's there in the house, it's going to happen.

Best of luck to you both and again, please try to wait this out.  It will be better for your relationship in the long run.

Thanks for the advice. Did it end up working out for you at all? I am considering telling him to contact me when he has moved out but it's so hard. 

[PotatoHead]

2 minutes ago, ScientificThoughts said:

Thanks for the advice. Did it end up working out for you at all? I am considering telling him to contact me when he has moved out but it's so hard. 

You two have had this connection for what, 15 years?  It shouldn't be that difficult to wait a bit longer. 

We are still working on things.  Situation was a bit different as we were both married with kids, but I managed to move so we are not long distance anymore.  However I can relate to your guy since I also had the crazy ex wife to deal with.   It has been really unpleasant since she found out about our relationship.  I wish there had been a way to wait until everything was settled and divorces finalized before being openly in a relationship.  

The hardest part was by far building trust and dealing with jealousy while still living with our exes.  Her being a part of his everyday life while you look on from a distance can drive you crazy, especially if you two decide that you will be exclusive and yet she still doesn't know of your existence.  We dealt with that for a year and it nearly broke us.  Which is why I have a topic going currently in the cheating/jealousy forum.

Regards,

[vla1120]

28 minutes ago, ScientificThoughts said:

I don't know how long I am supposed to give him. 

There is no magic number. If he wants to be with you, he should be taking steps to make that happen. If his wife wants to put the house on the market in November, he should do everything in his power to make that happen - no excuses. Be wary of the excuses "we don't sleep in the same bed", "my wife is crazy/doesn't understand me", etc. These are the excuses many OW have heard year after year while waiting for their AP to leave their wife for them. Do not ignore the red flags. If he wants to be with you. He will do everything to make that happen sooner rather than later.

[ScientificThoughts]

9 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

There is no magic number. If he wants to be with you, he should be taking steps to make that happen. If his wife wants to put the house on the market in November, he should do everything in his power to make that happen - no excuses. Be wary of the excuses "we don't sleep in the same bed", "my wife is crazy/doesn't understand me", etc. These are the excuses many OW have heard year after year while waiting for their AP to leave their wife for them. Do not ignore the red flags. If he wants to be with you. He will do everything to make that happen sooner rather than later.

Exactly. I will be watching for the excuses!

[flitzanu]

2 hours ago, ScientificThoughts said:

You're right about MM and what they say.

It wasn't that it was done so easily though, he was scared about it. He cancelled the night before and then changed his mind the day of. I feel like I'm making excuses...lol 

pay attention to that feeling of making excuses, because your subconscious is telling you that you ARE.

[stillafool]

46 minutes ago, ScientificThoughts said:

The son is 3. 

She does know. They've told all of their families. She told him she didn't love him anymore 2 or 3 years ago. And he said he'd been trying to win her over since then... up until the summer when he finally got fed up and realized it wasn't going to change a thing. He told her he wanted a divorce last month. They've been discussing separation/house/custody a lot but she is very flip floppy and is a narcissist. Some days she agrees to everything and other days she freaks out. She has tried once or twice to say she wants to do counselling but he says no, saying he doesn't want to stay married to her anymore and that she had the last 3 years to help him fix it and then she agrees with him. They sleep in separate beds and are not intimate in any way. 

If it ends up being a million excuses I won't stick around forever as much as I love him. It's hard to let go of someone you've loved since you were a teenager though. 

She has told him and he's known for 2-3 years that she doesn't love him anymore, yet he's been trying to win her back for 2-3 years.  He tells you that she says as long as he's living with her, seeing someone else is cheating, yet he sees and has sex with you.  Why couldn't he be honest with her about you?  He has the perfect excuse because she has told him she doesn't love him for years.  She wouldn't be acting crazy if what he is telling you is true.  The red flags are flying everywhere for you to see.

[ScientificThoughts]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

She has told him and he's known for 2-3 years that she doesn't love him anymore, yet he's been trying to win her back for 2-3 years.  He tells you that she says as long as he's living with her, seeing someone else is cheating, yet he sees and has sex with you.  Why couldn't he be honest with her about you?  He has the perfect excuse because she has told him she doesn't love him for years.  She wouldn't be acting crazy if what he is telling you is true.  The red flags are flying everywhere for you to see.

I see what you're saying about the red flags. He said she only started wanting to offer to fix it once his attitude changed and he was done. She was perfectly happy living in a loveless sexless marriage up until he said he wanted a divorce. 

[stillafool]

11 minutes ago, ScientificThoughts said:

 He said she only started wanting to offer to fix it once his attitude changed and he was done. She was perfectly happy living in a loveless sexless marriage up until he said he wanted a divorce. 

Well it doesn't sound like he is done or he would have told her so.  If she wants to fix it he is going to do just that and the way he's making up excuses to not tell her about you is just that, excuses.  Plus given they have a child together he'll never go unless she leaves him.

[BaileyB]

23 hours ago, ScientificThoughts said:

she is unstable and a bit crazy and didn't want to rock the boat. 

Respectfully, they all say that…

And if by some odd chance it’s true, nothing will make her more crazy and unstable than learning that her husband is cheating/wants a divorce. 

3 hours ago, ScientificThoughts said:

I don't know how long I am supposed to give him. 

This is typical married man stuff… tell him to email you when the divorce is signed and official. It’s the only way to have any sanity. 

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, ScientificThoughts said:

I just don't feel like he is lying to me about his marriage. He said it's been bad for about 3 years but he decided he was done trying just before he contacted me. 

This may in fact be true - it doesn’t mean that he has told her, they they have been to the lawyers, that they have sold the house and divided their belongings, and signed the papers.

Words without actions mean nothing.

And please remember, you are believing the word of a man that you know to be a dishonest man. He is sneaking around, cheating with another woman, and lying to his wife - ignore that truth at your own risk/peril.

5 hours ago, ScientificThoughts said:

Could he actually go file his separation papers, even if they are still living together? Or does he need to be moved out? This is in Canada. 

I’m also in Canada. My partner filed papers and lived in the same home for two years (in the basement) while the divorce was settled and ultimately, for the lawyers to force her to leave the home (he bought her out, she got a lot of money from him so finding her own housing was not a problem. Still, she didn’t want to leave and actually said to him “are you sure that I need to leave, this seems to be working…” His lawyer finally advised him to stop paying child/spousal support to force her to leave the home. That worked). So yes, he can file before he moves out of the house. He does not need her permission or consent. And, if it’s all on the up and up as you say it is because he has told her that he wants a divorce and they have discussed it for the past few months, it shouldn’t be a problem…

I think you are being a little naive to believe all his excuses… If he wants a divorce, there is nothing stopping him.

6 hours ago, ScientificThoughts said:

She is pretty insane. Has threatened to kill him in his sleep.

If that’s true, it should be a no-brainer. That’s a pretty serious statement to make. He would want to leave and he should not leave his child with his mother. Did he report this threat to the police? 

My partner’s ex has mental health issues and she and her family are crazy unstable. He extradited himself from the situation and he has not looked back. 

When I met him, he was signing the papers but told me that he had a lot he needed to settle in his life - with his ex, with his child, financially. I told him to contact me if and when he was more settled  - and he did, a year and a half later. That was five years ago, and he says now that we would not be together today if he hadn’t taken that time to get his life back in order and to deal with the anger he felt toward his ex - we would not still be together today. 

Your best bet is to take a step back and let him make the decision/deal with the end of his marriage. Tell him to look you up when he is divorced and IF you are still single, you can explore a relationship then. 

Edited October 20, 2021 by BaileyB

[Myabee]

5 hours ago, ScientificThoughts said:

Right now they split the mortgage. I'm not sure how much she makes, but she works from home. He said either of them can afford it on their own but whoever moves out would be paying double in rent. So neither of them want to leave to rent. They want to get it ready to sell and then each buy something of their own. 

How do you know all of this to be fact? Just by what he tells you? These MM are good liers. 

[Agentra]

7 hours ago, Myabee said:

How do you know all of this to be fact? Just by what he tells you? These MM are good liers. 

Off topic (I am sorry), but I have been following your journey here and it is so good to see how far you've come. It's kind of you to stick around and share you experiences with the ones still in messy situations. 

Good luck, OP! Sorry again for going off-topic

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, ScientificThoughts said:

 living in a loveless sexless marriage up until he said he wanted a divorce. 

Ok. Keep in mind that you're on the rebound so even someone like this could look good to you.

It's the same old story. "We're like roommates, but the kids money etc are in the way".

Instead of listening to his marital problems, invest in yourself.

Unless he's paying you $250/hr. to listen to this drivel, you're wasting your time. 

Don't get caught up in loneliness and nonrelationship situationships.

Even though you may be hurting from your breakup and not ready to date, getting caught up in a holding pattern like this isn't a good way to heal.

Edited October 21, 2021 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to stop believing everything this guy tells you about his wife and their marriage, OP. His word is not reliable. 

You have no clue how much of it is true. He lies to wife, and you would be foolish to think he doesn't lie to you, too. You have met this person once. Talking online for years is not the same as genuinely knowing someone. You only know what he tells you, and you know he plays fast and loose with honesty. 

I would not waste any more time on him. Your anxiety is telling you this is likely only going to end badly for you, and that you cannot and should not trust him at all. 

Edited October 21, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Starswillshine]

Definitely be wary of this guy's stories. Some may be true, some may not. We often hear the "we sleep in different bedrooms" story. And maybe in a few cases this is true, but I also know people in happy, healthy marriages that sleep in different rooms due to either work schedules, sleeping issues, or extremely loud snoring. So it is not always proof that the relationship/marriage is heading to the end. 

 

[Myabee]

17 hours ago, ScientificThoughts said:

I see what you're saying about the red flags. He said she only started wanting to offer to fix it once his attitude changed and he was done. She was perfectly happy living in a loveless sexless marriage up until he said he wanted a divorce. 

And did he file for a divorce???

[vla1120]

23 hours ago, ScientificThoughts said:

She is pretty insane. Has threatened to kill him in his sleep.

I'm not sure how I missed this. When my husband threatened to buy a gun and shoot me if I didn't announce myself when I came home from work, I walked across the street to the police department and filed a complaint against him to be sure he would be flagged if he tried to buy a gun. Then, I secretly took steps to move out without letting him know when or where I was moving. People normally don't stay in marriages once their lives have been threatened. Again, the wife of a MM is always described by him as "crazy." 

[ScientificThoughts]

Thanks everyone for the replies. It's funny because the advice I am hearing is what I would tell someone else in my position. I know you all are right but it's hard for me to let it go of this... I think maybe I'm living in a fantasy world. 

He caught her snooping his phone last night apparently. He said he doesn't care if she found anything, he more cares she still thinks it's okay to go through his personal business. He is sure she knows he is talking to another woman but he doesn't care. 

He is wanting to move out now because he can't deal with her anymore, and work on the house while living outside of it....Sooo... we will see I guess...

He does need to file his separation papers still, yes. I don't feel like I should be the one to tell him to do that though? 

He has every intention of being with me I think. He just has a lot on his plate... I feel bad about abandoning him. 

[Wiseman2]

On 10/20/2021 at 10:51 AM, ScientificThoughts said:

She is pretty insane. Has threatened to kill him in his sleep. 

And therefore he can't leave her because she's too unstable? And even then he leaves his child with her?

All that and doesn't call the police, get her in a hospital for homicidal ideation or get a restraining order?

 Sorry to say but his story makes less and less sense and seems like more and more drama to draw you in like a soap opera.

 Run.  Delete and block him.

If any of this were true she would be in a psychiatric hospital and he would be legally divorced and have full custody of his child. Maybe he's the crazy one making all this stuff up?

 "Abandoning him"?  Or abandoning this soap opera as a distraction from your breakup?

It sounds they could both use a thorough psychiatric evaluation.

Edited October 21, 2021 by Wiseman2

[ScientificThoughts]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

And therefore he can't leave her because she's too unstable? And even then he leaves his child with her?

All that and doesn't call the police, get her in a hospital for homicidal ideation or get a restraining order?

 Sorry to say but his story makes less and less sense and seems like more and more drama to draw you in like a soap opera.

 Run.  Delete and block him.

If any of this were true she would be in a psychiatric hospital and he would be legally divorced and have full custody of his child. Maybe he's the crazy one making all this stuff up?

To be fair - he said he wasn't sure if she was joking or not when she said it. 

[vla1120]

34 minutes ago, ScientificThoughts said:

I feel bad about abandoning him. 

It's not abandoning him. It's waiting for him to do the right thing.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, ScientificThoughts said:

To be fair - he said he wasn't sure if she was joking or not when she said it. 

Of course. It's sheer drama and setting the table to play victim.

Do yourself a favor, free yourself of this and find sane local single men.

[vla1120]

8 minutes ago, ScientificThoughts said:

To be fair - he said he wasn't sure if she was joking or not when she said it. 

My husband said he was joking (after he learned I filed a complaint with the police). Never in my life have I told someone I intend to kill them, jokingly or otherwise. I tend to take death threats seriously. 

Edited October 21, 2021 by vla1120

[Myabee]

2 hours ago, ScientificThoughts said:

Thanks everyone for the replies. It's funny because the advice I am hearing is what I would tell someone else in my position. I know you all are right but it's hard for me to let it go of this... I think maybe I'm living in a fantasy world. 

He caught her snooping his phone last night apparently. He said he doesn't care if she found anything, he more cares she still thinks it's okay to go through his personal business. He is sure she knows he is talking to another woman but he doesn't care. 

He is wanting to move out now because he can't deal with her anymore, and work on the house while living outside of it....Sooo... we will see I guess...

He does need to file his separation papers still, yes. I don't feel like I should be the one to tell him to do that though? 

He has every intention of being with me I think. He just has a lot on his plate... I feel bad about abandoning him. 

Again MM tell lies that's advice I was given it's very accurate. No. He has no intention of being with you until his divorce is complete that's when he is free. Tell him that if he still cares after he get's his personal life in order then reach out. Until then you are his delicious cake. Don't be his sweets... you have more worth then sugar.   

[Myabee]

2 minutes ago, S2B said:

He doesn’t intend to change a thing. He intends to stay married to her and keep an OW on the side to stroke his ego.

don’t fool yourself - he is a typical cheater with the same old story.

why do you want to continue being his secret? Why waste your time with this cheater?

Preach!! Sorry this resonates with me S2B but I think you know that.