Angel29 Posted October 19, 2021 Posted October 19, 2021 I have been temping for a few months. There is a guy at work. We didn’t speak much at first as it’s a busy workplace. The last few weeks we have chatted a lot more and got on quite well and had a laugh. I recently went to an interview and got the job. I was quite upset to be leaving as I have enjoyed working at the temp place but it’s too far to travel to. He saw me crying at work. He was kind and reassuring and took some time out to chat to me telling me I should take the job. He then confessed he had an interview arranged and was fed up working here. He gave me his number to message him my interview questions as I had done well on my interview. He never replied but that's understandable as he is married and doesn't know if I would show colleagues the interview chat. He since told me he got the job too. I was really pleased for him. Today I noticed he was copying my body language which they say is a sign that a man is interested. I would not mess around with a married man but feel sad I wont see him again after this week as I am leaving. It feels ridiculous to be having a work crush. I think its cos I rarely meet decent guys dating and he had some great qualities. Thanks.
kendahke Posted October 19, 2021 Posted October 19, 2021 29 minutes ago, Angel29 said: he is married This is where this ends. 7
ExpatInItaly Posted October 19, 2021 Posted October 19, 2021 38 minutes ago, Angel29 said: t feels ridiculous to be having a work crush. I think its cos I rarely meet decent guys dating and he had some great qualities. It's not ridiculous. It's fairly normal, actually. There's just nothing to work with here since he is married. Just keep it professional and polite. You'll move past your crush soon. 1
Versacehottie Posted October 19, 2021 Posted October 19, 2021 oh no Angel...i seriously was thrilled to see the title that you had a new "work crush". But then to find out he is married. No, no, no. I'm less concerned about him or the feasibility of this relationship (obviously not feasible or smart)....It's within the realm of possibility of course that people get work crushes even when they are attached. Putting this altogether in the context of your other crushes and romantic questions on here, I want you to be able to have a crush on someone you can ACTUALLY date. That would be huge for you. I think UNAVAILABLE guys, such as this one or others you've liked in the past, is keeping you really stuck. Please try to have a crush on someone available--that would be huge for you, regardless of what happens with it ultimately. And don't turn this into some dramatic thing with the crying at work (temp job that you didn't even like) and that you are going to miss him. It's like you build up some relationship which actually doesn't exist just because someone paid you a bit of attention. How do we get you out of this cycle? 3
Alvi Posted October 20, 2021 Posted October 20, 2021 6 hours ago, Angel29 said: He never replied but that's understandable as he is married I stopped reading after that. HE IS MARRIED. End of story. He is probably attracted to you. Yes, on that. But do you want to go down the slippery road of an affair? Would you be OK to be the mistress, a sidepiece, the other woman, whatever you want to call it. Is not, move along. He is obviously pretty careful not to let his wife see your message, probably deleted it right away, hence no reply. He is really careful on that. Pretty soon you'll leave for another job and to the bigger better things. Once you leave please do block his phone number and never look back. 2 1
Nothanks Posted October 20, 2021 Posted October 20, 2021 6 hours ago, Angel29 said: Today I noticed he was copying my body language which they say is a sign that a man is interested. Don’t try to glean interest from his actions. He is married. That is the only act you need to understand. He may have only meant to show empathy for a person in tears and then network with a colleague. I’m sorry you have a crush on an unavailable man. Lots of single men out there. I hope you find one. Congratulations on the new job!
glows Posted October 20, 2021 Posted October 20, 2021 It's just a crush. This will fade when you move to the new work place or company. Don't act on it and let it go.
Author Angel29 Posted October 23, 2021 Author Posted October 23, 2021 It was so hard. I said goodbye to him and left the workplace. He was a bit emotional too and kept telling me he will contact me. I certainly would not have an affair but will miss him as he was a great person.
glows Posted October 23, 2021 Posted October 23, 2021 1 hour ago, Angel29 said: It was so hard. I said goodbye to him and left the workplace. He was a bit emotional too and kept telling me he will contact me. I certainly would not have an affair but will miss him as he was a great person. It's ok to miss someone. Let this pass and fade slowly. Don't keep his contact and don't respond to any texts that come through. It's not worth it burning bridges with ex-colleagues or colleagues. You'll meet new people at your new work place and congratulations on the position also.
stillafool Posted October 23, 2021 Posted October 23, 2021 On 10/19/2021 at 3:21 PM, Angel29 said: It feels ridiculous to be having a work crush. I think its cos I rarely meet decent guys dating and he had some great qualities. Thanks. It isn't ridiculous to have a work crush. What's ridiculous is having one on a MM. 2
Versacehottie Posted October 25, 2021 Posted October 25, 2021 On 10/23/2021 at 9:18 AM, Angel29 said: It was so hard. I said goodbye to him and left the workplace. He was a bit emotional too and kept telling me he will contact me. I certainly would not have an affair but will miss him as he was a great person. What are you avoiding by living in reality with attainable happiness? It's a real question. You keep attaching to guys that you cannot have or aren't interested in you and make it into a big melodramatic story. I read something before that people do that when they are afraid of a healthy normal relationship, ie that they will create drama (of various sorts) and a storyline when ostensibly none really exists. I have a hard time believing that the majority of this just isn't in your mind or a fabrication of your hopes with someone that gave you a little glance and kind words as a CO-WORKER. Sorry to be tough love but you need it. Why are you doing this to yourself? If he is the type to have an affair, you are ripe for the picking. it's a total mess. If, as I suspect, the crush is all one-sided and mostly in your imagination, you are perpetuating a long-standing pattern that you desperately NEED to get out of. Why are you teaching yourself that you are only worthy of people who are not worthy of you? 2
smackie9 Posted October 25, 2021 Posted October 25, 2021 (edited) It's normal to be swept off your feet BUT the key thing is to know it's only a crush and never act on it. It might have been a good thing you two are not working together anymore. And please don't message him. How would you like it if a strange woman was messaging your husband. It's not appropriate so don't cross anymore boundaries trying to be in contact with him/ or be his friend. Move on. Edited October 25, 2021 by smackie9 1
Nothanks Posted October 26, 2021 Posted October 26, 2021 On 10/23/2021 at 12:18 PM, Angel29 said: It was so hard. I said goodbye to him and left the workplace. He was a bit emotional too and kept telling me he will contact me. I certainly would not have an affair but will miss him as he was a great person. He was a guy you worked with who is married. Keep stating those facts in your head when you find yourself thinking about “what if”. I’m sorry he is not single and hope you find a guy just as great. 1
Author Angel29 Posted October 26, 2021 Author Posted October 26, 2021 10 hours ago, Nothanks said: He was a guy you worked with who is married. Keep stating those facts in your head when you find yourself thinking about “what if”. I’m sorry he is not single and hope you find a guy just as great. Thank you for understanding. That's what is frustrating, he is a great person. I certainly would not do anything with a married man, I don't need that baggage but I want someone with those qualities.
Author Angel29 Posted October 26, 2021 Author Posted October 26, 2021 20 hours ago, smackie9 said: It's normal to be swept off your feet BUT the key thing is to know it's only a crush and never act on it. It might have been a good thing you two are not working together anymore. And please don't message him. How would you like it if a strange woman was messaging your husband. It's not appropriate so don't cross anymore boundaries trying to be in contact with him/ or be his friend. Move on. I will not message him, I deserve better. Yeah, it's good we stopped working together as I think he would have initiated something which is wrong. I'm going to focus on others instead. 2
poppyfields Posted October 26, 2021 Posted October 26, 2021 (edited) [ ] I am glad you have chosen to not pursue it, but the fact you continue feeling attractions for such unavailable men is troubling in and of itself. Look within for the answers. Best of luck moving forward. Edited October 26, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator civility 1
Author Angel29 Posted October 26, 2021 Author Posted October 26, 2021 23 hours ago, Versacehottie said: What are you avoiding by living in reality with attainable happiness? It's a real question. You keep attaching to guys that you cannot have or aren't interested in you and make it into a big melodramatic story. I read something before that people do that when they are afraid of a healthy normal relationship, ie that they will create drama (of various sorts) and a storyline when ostensibly none really exists. I have a hard time believing that the majority of this just isn't in your mind or a fabrication of your hopes with someone that gave you a little glance and kind words as a CO-WORKER. Sorry to be tough love but you need it. Why are you doing this to yourself? If he is the type to have an affair, you are ripe for the picking. it's a total mess. If, as I suspect, the crush is all one-sided and mostly in your imagination, you are perpetuating a long-standing pattern that you desperately NEED to get out of. Why are you teaching yourself that you are only worthy of people who are not worthy of you? I know you are right, I deserve to be happy. I got caught up in it all as we spent all day together at work. He seems like he can be a flirt so I would not be able to trust someone who cheats on their wife.
Versacehottie Posted October 26, 2021 Posted October 26, 2021 3 hours ago, Angel29 said: I know you are right, I deserve to be happy. I got caught up in it all as we spent all day together at work. He seems like he can be a flirt so I would not be able to trust someone who cheats on their wife. of course you deserve to be happy and it starts with you. Rather than be overly excited, invested and setting yourself up for failure when someone pays you a little drop of attention, it would be better if your romantic attention and where you tune that energy in is focused toward guys that could actually give you what you need and are available. For example in this situation, maybe the guy doesn't wear a ring or you don't notice it at first but as soon as you see or find out he's married or has a girlfriend, something inside of you would shut it down mentally. If you like certain qualities about him, you seek those qualities in available people who are interested in you. Much like the previous guys you have gotten hung up on, if there is something you like about the relationship, you should note the quality and then seek it in someone who is available to you and interested in you. You need to learn to pivot. OR you can make this less of an issue by ACTIVELY dating available guys. In part, I think you put so much attention into these unavailable people because it's a substitute from you actually having to go out there and live your REAL life with effort toward REAL and available potential relationships. Yes, I know you've had disappointments in this area but a lot of it is due to your choices. Like getting ATTACHED when someone isn't available or interested. NOW would be a good time to make an active choice away from that behavior rather than act like you are helpless against it. Sorry the melodramatic description feeds that "helpless against it" mentality and I think is largely in your own mind because it solves the real problem you are not dealing with. ps. You can't just look for what is 'easy' initially such as a work crush and then make it into something it's not or wouldn't serve you. You definitely deserve to be happy and need to take ownership to make that happen. 1
Author Angel29 Posted October 27, 2021 Author Posted October 27, 2021 On 10/26/2021 at 9:43 PM, Versacehottie said: of course you deserve to be happy and it starts with you. I think in this case I should have just switched off and reminded myself he was married. It was difficult spending full days with him, I mean even developing a friendship would happen by spending time with someone. His great qualities I can make a list and use to look for someone who is single and emotionally available - this would help me save a lot of time. I think soon as there are warning signs such as someone being married or emotionally unavailable I need to walk away a.s.a.p. I must change my social circles as I'm not having opportunity to meet people. I think this man was not happy in his marriage and some of the things he spoke to me about he should be getting that emotional conversation/support from his wife. He supported me too but I feel he benefitted more. 1
mortensorchid Posted October 28, 2021 Posted October 28, 2021 I have said this before, I will say it again : Coworkers are not friends. It's easy for you to think they are because you will spend more time with them than you will anyone else. Don't make the mistake of sharing too much about yourself with them. Be nice, not too nice. Never socialize with coworkers outside of the workplace in any way - going out for lunch, dinner, drinks, etc. If you are invited, say you have a lot of work to do, plead a previous engagement, etc. The world is full of lonely people, humans are social creatures who crave one another's company. But not here. On top of that, this guy is married. Maybe in a moment of weakness you might think someone is cute, but don't let it go any further. Move on from this. Nothing good can or will come from this, and you know it.
Versacehottie Posted October 28, 2021 Posted October 28, 2021 4 hours ago, Angel29 said: I think in this case I should have just switched off and reminded myself he was married. It was difficult spending full days with him, I mean even developing a friendship would happen by spending time with someone. His great qualities I can make a list and use to look for someone who is single and emotionally available - this would help me save a lot of time. I think soon as there are warning signs such as someone being married or emotionally unavailable I need to walk away a.s.a.p. I must change my social circles as I'm not having opportunity to meet people. I think this man was not happy in his marriage and some of the things he spoke to me about he should be getting that emotional conversation/support from his wife. He supported me too but I feel he benefitted more. ok this is all good thinking for the most part and what I was trying to get across... Well except for the bolded...I think you need to make yourself the star of your story. See things from your perspective first, foremost, even ONLY. If you starting putting his "story" or point of view, my guess is that someone like you will latch onto it and make it into a whole thing and make it and him far more important than your needs. The bolded statement is the first step in justifying anything he would do--so you don't want to do that. A better statement might be: if he's not happy in his marriage, i would respect a guy who did something about it before he visits his problems and troubles on me...and i deserve a real relationship which this cannot be. Yeah he probably did benefit more. You have to make yourself the star of your own life and it starts with how you treat yourself...even in how you characterize this event and events like these, ie most if not all of it was unspoken between you two. But you can create the narrative and takeaway on how you see this situation and what you learn from it.
Author Angel29 Posted October 28, 2021 Author Posted October 28, 2021 8 hours ago, Versacehottie said: ok this is all good thinking for the most part and what I was trying to get across... I understand it now thank you. I should put my needs before anyone. It was inappropriate of him to confide personal details in me just because I was a temp and he forgets we were just colleagues. I asked if he would move house once he gets a new job as he would be on better pay and he said no, he and his wife need a serious chat and he will tell her they will not move as she wants to move half an hour away closer to work. His wife has mentioned this topic of conversation before so why he did not tell her then. I know he is not available but he does not seem assertive to be in a relationship as he won't speak up. He should have spoke to a family member or close friend about his problems.
Versacehottie Posted October 28, 2021 Posted October 28, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, Angel29 said: I understand it now thank you. I should put my needs before anyone. It was inappropriate of him to confide personal details in me just because I was a temp and he forgets we were just colleagues. I asked if he would move house once he gets a new job as he would be on better pay and he said no, he and his wife need a serious chat and he will tell her they will not move as she wants to move half an hour away closer to work. His wife has mentioned this topic of conversation before so why he did not tell her then. I know he is not available but he does not seem assertive to be in a relationship as he won't speak up. He should have spoke to a family member or close friend about his problems. I'd worry much less about placing blame on him on what he "should" or "shouldn't" do. People will encroach your boundaries all the time because everyone is pushing their own agenda (not necessarily in a bad way, just everyone is servicing their own needs and it's not always calculated, it just happens). for example, you seem like you often end up in the friend zone while you have romantic interests in the person--maybe the guy was confiding to you like a friend. Anyway, you can't "solve" everyone else or fall down their rabbit hole. What you need to do is stay focused on what you want and what would be good for you as far as what you need & want in your life. Even in the story you related above that is far too much detail about his personal story....even in you relating it to me/us I can tell that you are making him the "star" of your life in a way by giving the details and backstory...It sounds like excuses really or that you are mentally preparing yourself for reasons that could justify what he's doing, why, etc. You actually sound like you put as much effort into mulling those things he told you over than he probably has TBH, ie making him the center of your world and on some pedestal. Bolded the worst indications of this. You need firmer boundaries...Although in this situation, I think that's less of the issue than the fact that you need to be headed somewhere with your life and specifically your romantic life---if you were and your mind were filled and busy with what YOU were doing (ie dates you were setting up, guys you were meeting, how you were going to do that, other social activities and opportunities, simply your self and self-care)---if you were doing all those things, his story about house/wife etc wouldn't resonate like that with you. It would just be idle chatter from some work colleague--lol, which happens all the time! It doesn't mean you should sense a dating opportunity or fall in love with some guy (cute or not) especially if you know he's taken. Actually what I'd think if that happened to me, is that his oversharing is a sign of weakness and not a good prospect for dating if he was available, I'd be like yuck. See? My focus is still on getting my needs met (ie is he good for me or not), not getting caught up in his backstory and "trying to find a way in", lol which I think your mind has been doing somersaults trying to figure out (lol, I can tell by how you told it--you start building up these fantasy life in your head and churn over and over what you can latch onto). Don't build stuff into something it's not...or that it shouldn't be. Keep your eye on the prize, which are your goals with suitable and interested guys only. Edited October 28, 2021 by Versacehottie 1
Author Angel29 Posted October 28, 2021 Author Posted October 28, 2021 3 hours ago, Versacehottie said: I'd worry much less about placing blame on him on what he "should" or "shouldn't" do. Don't build stuff into something it's not...or that it shouldn't be. Keep your eye on the prize, which are your goals with suitable and interested guys only. I understand, people with an ulterior motive are trying to get their needs met. I should solely focus on my needs, his are of no concern to me. I am responsible for my healing and he is responsible for his own healing. I should focus on those on my goals and on single available guys.
Versacehottie Posted October 29, 2021 Posted October 29, 2021 5 hours ago, Angel29 said: I understand, people with an ulterior motive are trying to get their needs met. I should solely focus on my needs, his are of no concern to me. I am responsible for my healing and he is responsible for his own healing. I should focus on those on my goals and on single available guys. kinda but not entirely...my point is everyone has "ulterior motives"..which I wouldn't call that, I would just say everyone has their own agenda--which isn't malicious at all. I think you need to work on not seeing anyone as fully good or fully bad. Probably more accurate to say they advocating for and conducting their lives in ways that suit them---AS YOU SHOULD DO. It's hard enough to pinpoint what you really want and then manage it in real time in the real world. But it is what you should do, rather than live your life in fantasy world in your head, longing for people that aren't available and living out their dreams and goals. The goal for you should be to seek someone whose goals align with yours and is headed in the same direction. In that way, if you your goals and the guy you like's goals will be headed in the same direction. IMO, that will never happen with a guy who is unavailable either technically or emotionally. Or confused about his availability. This isn't about making you a victim of him/his confusion or anything like that. If you notice all of my advice to you hasn't focused on making him the wrongdoer (or even you for liking a married guy) but on you being the wrongdoer for making poor choices for yourself. It's not totally about cutting another human off but letting the wrong ones (unavailable ones, for example) in when they can't give you what you want and then putting them on some sort of pedestal to substitute for the life you aren't willing to create for yourself. If you really think about it, his goals don't align with your basic goals. You need to focus on the present and going after those goals right now with available people now. Yes to the bolded. Don't victimize yourself though--which a person does when they have to make the other person the "bad guy" of the story. The last thing you want to be is a woman with poor boundaries, poor self-esteem and a bitter attitude. Don't get that vibe from you but if you interpret things repeatedly like needing to put a guy as either saint or sinner all the while not creating your own life, you are in danger of it. Ok hang in there 1
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