Author ironpony Posted October 21, 2021 Author Posted October 21, 2021 (edited) Well I had a conversation with her about it and she said she gets this urge to show me off to others and it's hard to help herself but doesn't want to do anything wrong at the same time. Edited October 21, 2021 by ironpony
elaine567 Posted October 21, 2021 Posted October 21, 2021 17 minutes ago, ironpony said: Well I had a conversation with her about it and she said she gets this urge to show me off to others and it's hard to help herself but doesn't want to do anything wrong at the same time. All these "conversations" you seem to have with her are never good. Now you are dampening her enthusiasm for you. Face it she is NOT who you really want. Let her go and find a bf who really wants her and is proud of her.
Author ironpony Posted October 21, 2021 Author Posted October 21, 2021 (edited) But I am in love with her though and we are having a really good time together so far. I mean sure there a couple of snags but isn't that normal in any relationship? What makes people think I am not into her? I guess I am just really surprised, is that if I bring up an issue, the advice seems to often be, throw out the baby with the bathwater. Isn't that kind of extreme, without trying to work on things? Edited October 21, 2021 by ironpony
dramafreezone Posted October 21, 2021 Posted October 21, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, elaine567 said: All these "conversations" you seem to have with her are never good. Now you are dampening her enthusiasm for you. Face it she is NOT who you really want. Let her go and find a bf who really wants her and is proud of her. He likes her, or else he wouldn't even be asking for advice here. He also cares about being professional at work, she apparently doesn't. I think he's being *too* deferential to her feelings if anything. She is very insecure. Why would someone say they have the urge to "show him off" at work? He's not a prize bull or something, or a trophy. He's a person. But I guess this is a prime case of why workplace romances have such a bad rap, when one person can't control themselves. Edited October 21, 2021 by dramafreezone 2
dramafreezone Posted October 21, 2021 Posted October 21, 2021 4 hours ago, ironpony said: But I am in love with her though and we are having a really good time together so far. I mean sure there a couple of snags but isn't that normal in any relationship? What makes people think I am not into her? I guess I am just really surprised, is that if I bring up an issue, the advice seems to often be, throw out the baby with the bathwater. Isn't that kind of extreme, without trying to work on things? I don't think you should throw the baby out with the bathwater. But you have to lay down the law here if you feel strongly about this. "While we're at work, let's cut way down on the PDA. Afterwards, I'm all yours" something to that effect. That is completely reasonable. If she has a problem with that and won't modify her behavior, then you either have to accept her as she is or move on. 1
elaine567 Posted October 21, 2021 Posted October 21, 2021 1 hour ago, dramafreezone said: He likes her, or else he wouldn't even be asking for advice here. He also cares about being professional at work, she apparently doesn't. I think he's being *too* deferential to her feelings if anything. She is very insecure. Why would someone say they have the urge to "show him off" at work? He's not a prize bull or something, or a trophy. He's a person. But I guess this is a prime case of why workplace romances have such a bad rap, when one person can't control themselves. She is only 21 in her first relationship. Of course she wants to show him off and stake her claim... He also just told her he needs to think of other women in order to become aroused enough to have sex with her... why wouldn't she be insecure??
dramafreezone Posted October 21, 2021 Posted October 21, 2021 10 minutes ago, elaine567 said: She is only 21 in her first relationship. Of course she wants to show him off and stake her claim... He also just told her he needs to think of other women in order to become aroused enough to have sex with her... why wouldn't she be insecure?? Well, sounds like this will be a learning experience for the both of them. I don't know why he would think saying that is a good idea, and I don't know why she thinks being so gaga in the workplace is a good idea. 1
basil67 Posted October 22, 2021 Posted October 22, 2021 16 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: I don't know why she thinks being so gaga in the workplace is a good idea. That would be because on another thread the OP said she also has ASD and as such, a lot of social rules won't come naturally to her. All things considered, her not yet understanding appropriate workplace behaviour is quite understandable. She just needs to be taught. 1
elaine567 Posted October 22, 2021 Posted October 22, 2021 5 minutes ago, basil67 said: That would be because on another thread the OP said she also has ASD and as such, a lot of social rules won't come naturally to her. All things considered, her not yet understanding appropriate workplace behaviour is quite understandable. She just needs to be taught. Ok but they are at lunch not working. What is actually wrong with her mouthing I love you to her bf or sharing her fork? It is not as if they are making out in the canteen... ironpony does not want everyone to know he is dating this girl, that is what I guess is really the matter here. That is why he is annoyed and upset. 2
basil67 Posted October 22, 2021 Posted October 22, 2021 @elaine567 Yep, I understand where you're coming from. My comment was more addressing a post which judges her for 'not knowing better' 1
Gaeta Posted October 22, 2021 Posted October 22, 2021 19 hours ago, ironpony said: walked all the way over to hear, around the table, and whisiper close to her, just so no one else could hear. Wouldn't that have looked more odd to everyone? What's odd is that you're not having lunch with your girlfriend. 3
vla1120 Posted October 22, 2021 Posted October 22, 2021 On 10/20/2021 at 10:09 PM, ironpony said: Oh maybe I am making a bigger deal than it is. Today she kept trying to mouth something to me to so people wouldn't hear her, but I just got a bit annoyed by it, and told her in front of everyone that I can't understand her and to tell me later. Not sure if that embarrassed her or not, but I didn't know what else to say, since she kept trying to mouth something to me and my non-verbal signals telling her to save it for later, were not getting across. I worked with my first husband for many years. We mutually agreed to keep everything professional when we were at work and treat each other as co-workers and not a couple (moreso to keep a lid on any possible office gossip.) We would leave the building to go to lunch. That is when we would discuss any personal related topics - or when we drove to and from work. Maybe you could make the same type of agreement with her. 2
Nothanks Posted October 26, 2021 Posted October 26, 2021 Just talk to her and set boundaries. The whole “I can’t control myself” is not a reason. She just doesn’t see things the same way you do. Talk to her about your perspective and work out what is and as not ok. And what is with mouthing words at work? She is full time and more senior than you and you are seasonal hoping for full time right? She may not be helping your case. All it takes is a coworker complaining that your relationship is making them uncomfortable or impacting work in some way and ….done. It is really easy to get rid of a contract employee.
Nothanks Posted October 26, 2021 Posted October 26, 2021 (edited) On 10/20/2021 at 12:56 PM, ASG said: Edited October 26, 2021 by Nothanks
Author ironpony Posted October 26, 2021 Author Posted October 26, 2021 On 10/21/2021 at 6:15 PM, elaine567 said: Ok but they are at lunch not working. What is actually wrong with her mouthing I love you to her bf or sharing her fork? It is not as if they are making out in the canteen... ironpony does not want everyone to know he is dating this girl, that is what I guess is really the matter here. That is why he is annoyed and upset. Oh I just thought it might look unprofessional if I made it obvious to everyone we are romantic to everyone. It's not like I am trying to hide her, I just wasn't sure if it was appropriate to be obvious about it.
Author ironpony Posted October 26, 2021 Author Posted October 26, 2021 On 10/22/2021 at 5:31 AM, Gaeta said: What's odd is that you're not having lunch with your girlfriend. I just thought if I sit next to her it will appear obvious that we are dating, and wondered if that would come off to everyone else having lunch, as unprofessional, but maybe not.
vla1120 Posted October 26, 2021 Posted October 26, 2021 6 hours ago, ironpony said: I just thought if I sit next to her it will appear obvious that we are dating, and wondered if that would come off to everyone else having lunch, as unprofessional, but maybe not. Nah. You can sit with a coworker and have lunch without making a romantic relationship obvious. The two of you just need to sit down, have a discussion about it, and get on the same page.
Gaeta Posted October 26, 2021 Posted October 26, 2021 9 hours ago, ironpony said: I just thought if I sit next to her it will appear obvious that we are dating, and wondered if that would come off to everyone else having lunch, as unprofessional, but maybe not. I don't see the big deal in people knowing you are dating. You won't be the first or the last couple to have met at work. You can have lunch together as a couple, just be respectful of other people around by not licking each other's face like teenagers.
glows Posted October 26, 2021 Posted October 26, 2021 (edited) Your personalities seem different and you seem very unsure of yourself too. You're more private and she isn't. Dating is about learning about each other. You've already communicated this issue to her so see if it changes. If it doesn't, you'll have to get comfortable with her being the way she is or move on. This isn't throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's being realistic about someone who doesn't get along with you. Edited October 26, 2021 by glows
Nothanks Posted October 26, 2021 Posted October 26, 2021 11 hours ago, ironpony said: Oh I just thought it might look unprofessional if I made it obvious to everyone we are romantic to everyone. It's not like I am trying to hide her, I just wasn't sure if it was appropriate to be obvious about it. It may or it may not. Again while there are people here making assumptions on your situation and what they would or would not do, you are the only one who knows your specific circumstances (and I am not suggesting you share further details here). It is possible someone at work will take issue with you or your relationship and it becomes a problem. Alternatively, your coworkers may be fine with it and you are overreacting. If you want general advice, err on the side of caution and keep things professional at work. Again, you won’t get fired for being professional. You MAY get fired for conduct that is viewed as unprofessional. Your problem is that you and your girlfriend do not seem to be on the same page. It may be because this is not serious enough of an issue for you to set clear expectations and rock the boat. Or it may be that you have been clear and she is ignoring your wishes. Whatever the case, you can’t control her (and apparently she can’t control herself). You can only determine what is acceptable to you. I suspect you are generally ok with her actions but prefer she act differently in certain circumstances. Doesn’t sound like she will. So accept her for who she is……or not.
Author ironpony Posted November 14, 2021 Author Posted November 14, 2021 (edited) Okay thanks everyone for the input! Well today I got called into the bosses office and they told me they felt that she has been unprofessional with me in the workplace, the way she has been acting around me in front of others. They said that they are much more fine with how I have been acting, and I have been acting professional and normal, but she is being too friendly with me they said. They had me sign a form over it and said whatever happens with us outside of work, they don't want to know, they just wanted to tell me that they felt I was being more fine, but not her so much and they know there is something going on and they cannot have that in front of others they said. They said they will talk to her later about it. The only problem they had with me is that I went to her with some certain requests to make my job easier. But that's because she has access to all these products in the job that I needed, and I didn't have to go through as much red tape, and I saved a lot of time by doing it that way and got more work done. They then said that was a good point, and she does have access to the products to make work go faster. Not sure they thought I had a good point there, but that was the only reason why I went through her, because she had the access better,, and she is the only one who knows things about them. So they then did seem to agree with me, is that she is the only one who's things about them. I didn't do anything illegal or against policy per se, it was just a creative shortcut I guess but thought it was in the work's best interest. But what should I do or how should I respond to this? I signed the form acknowledging it, but now what's the next best thing to do? Edited November 14, 2021 by ironpony
Wiseman2 Posted November 14, 2021 Posted November 14, 2021 It's odd they spoke with you about her. 1 1
Author ironpony Posted November 14, 2021 Author Posted November 14, 2021 (edited) I mean maybe they spoke to me because I went to her because she is the only one knows about the products to make my job easier. But she also said it herself that she can get the help me identify the products and that it was not problem with her job, so I took her word for it, in a co-worker sense. Edited November 14, 2021 by ironpony
Author ironpony Posted November 14, 2021 Author Posted November 14, 2021 (edited) There was also another incident they brought up where me and her left the building for lunch and came back and that leaves a bad impression to the others. But we came back on time and it's not like we missed any work, or took an extra long lunch break. We left because she was going through some personal issues which she wanted to talk to me about and was having a bad day, and wanted to talk to me in private. But we came back so I didn't think that was being unprofessional or against company policy to go have lunch as long as you come back on time. But either way, I told them it won't happen again. If that is unprofessional, then I am guilty there. Edited November 14, 2021 by ironpony
Wiseman2 Posted November 14, 2021 Posted November 14, 2021 1 minute ago, ironpony said: There was also another incident they brought up where me and her left the building for lunch and came back and that leaves a bad impression to the others. That makes more sense. They pulled you aside to talk about your behavior. Be more professional at work. That's what they mean. Be more careful about being polite to everyone. You don't want another warning about sexual harassment. If they have something to say to her they'll speak to her, not confer with you about her.
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