ironpony Posted October 19, 2021 Posted October 19, 2021 I am dating my gf and we work together, and I feel like I keep it professional at work. Some of the things she does though, I am not so sure. One time at lunch I told her her food looks good, and I just said it in a co-worker tone, nothing suggestive there. But then she wanted me to try it and I didn't have a fork so I tried with her fork, just to get to stop talking about, but of course co-workers are probably going to think it's weird if I use her fork to try the food she wants me to try. Another thing she did was when she was leaving she mouthed 'I love you' to me, but one of the co-workers totally saw her do it and looked at both of us, and to see my reaction. She probably didn't see the co-worker look because the co-worker was looking at my gf say it, as my gf was looking to me to say it. But do you think she is taking things too far perhaps or maybe no one really cares, so who cares? What do you think?
Nothanks Posted October 19, 2021 Posted October 19, 2021 Does your employer have a fraternization policy? Is she your subordinate or superior? I ask because it seems like you do not want anyone at work to know about your personal relationship. I’m just wondering why. If there are implications if anyone at work finds out, then yes her behaviour is a problem (but then I’d say you are taking a big risk dating a coworker). If there are no implications and you just want to keep it professional, sharing a fork does not seem overly personal. Saying “I love you” definitely is personal and is not professional. So talk to her and establish boundaries while you are at work. No pda, no personal discussions, no sharing personal details with other coworkers etc. 1
Author ironpony Posted October 19, 2021 Author Posted October 19, 2021 Well originally it was just suppose to be a seasonal job over the spring and summer, so I didn't think I was going to be there for long, hence why I was willing to take the risk. But they kept me on now and I do like the job so far... The handbook does not say anything about co-workers dating so we decided to give it a shot. She is a superior but not in my department. She is a supervisor in another department. I guess I am not too worried if people find out, it's just that I feel like I am keeping it more professional than she is. I talked to her about it and she says she did not mean anything by it and she just sucks at being subtle she said.
Nothanks Posted October 19, 2021 Posted October 19, 2021 1 minute ago, ironpony said: I guess I am not too worried if people find out, it's just that I feel like I am keeping it more professional than she is. I talked to her about it and she says she did not mean anything by it and she just sucks at being subtle she said. Got it. Then discuss with her what behaviours are unacceptable to you. If she crosses the line, make sure she knows it. For example, if she says “I love you” in front of coworkers, ignore her, walk away or say “Thanks”. If she does anything unprofessional, tell her to “please stop” and if she keeps going remove yourself from the situation. She will get the picture. I’m hoping though that you both can come to an understanding and it works out for you.
Author ironpony Posted October 19, 2021 Author Posted October 19, 2021 Okay thanks, I can try that maybe. What do you mean by remove myself from the situation exactly, if it still happens?
Nothanks Posted October 19, 2021 Posted October 19, 2021 Walking away is the best option but, if you can’t do that, take steps to get out of the situation. For example, say you are in a meeting room with others and can’t leave. She starts talking to you about going away on a romantic vacation. You tell her “please stop” or “not now” and then start a conversation with another coworker. By talking to your coworker, you have removed yourself from the inappropriate conversation with her. And of course after work, you should have another discussion with her about boundaries and your expectations while at work.
Author ironpony Posted October 19, 2021 Author Posted October 19, 2021 Oh okay, I can try that. I don't want to break up over it though at this point.
Gaeta Posted October 19, 2021 Posted October 19, 2021 @ironpony: She is your girlfriend, be kind to her. Don't ignore her, don't tell her things like 'not now' or turn around to ignore her. That's hurtful. Just have a conversation with her after work. Tell her it makes you uncomfortable when things get personal at work. She will understand. 2
ASG Posted October 19, 2021 Posted October 19, 2021 49 minutes ago, Gaeta said: @ironpony: She is your girlfriend, be kind to her. Don't ignore her, don't tell her things like 'not now' or turn around to ignore her. That's hurtful. Just have a conversation with her after work. Tell her it makes you uncomfortable when things get personal at work. She will understand. I have to agree with @Gaetahere. If I was your GF and I was talking to you, and you said "not now" and turned away to ignore me, the conversation after work would be about much more than "boundaries at work". Reinforce, kindly, that her behaviour makes you uncomfortable at work and ask her to refrain from it. 2
smackie9 Posted October 19, 2021 Posted October 19, 2021 I'm assuming things are still pretty new so it's gonna be like that for a little while. I say around January it will probably die down.
Lotsgoingon Posted October 19, 2021 Posted October 19, 2021 Look, the fact that she isn't hiding your relationship might be a good thing---shows she is really into you. Look, coworkers often pick up on people dating before the people dating officially come out, so to speak. Why are you so worried that coworkers will figure out that you two apparently like each other? BTW: eating from someone else's fork--that happens all the time among friends. At most workplaces I've been in workers can date as long as one isn't directly supervising the other. And in that case, they can usually still date--they just have to tell the company so that the company can make a change so that one isn't working under the other. Are you uncomfortable with your gf? Embarrassed to be publicly seen acting like bf-gf with her? Otherwise, her behavior is more out there than shy people would be, but mouthing "I love you" ... some people do that. Others don't. Don't see that as a red flag. Much more often the red flag is when people insist on hiding things---then the other partner has to figure out (as is sometimes the case) if the hider just doesn't feel proud about their partner and wants to keep things secret. 4
Nothanks Posted October 20, 2021 Posted October 20, 2021 19 hours ago, ironpony said: Oh okay, I can try that. I don't want to break up over it though at this point. Yeah I mean get away from the embarrassing situation and not break up with her. And to clarify my advice which I think has been misconstrued by others (should have been clearer….never post late at night!), my advice is 1) establish boundaries and acceptable behaviour at work, 2) if she disrespects your feelings and acts inappropriately at work creating an embarrassing situation, you ask her to “please stop” 3) if she still doesn’t stop, get out of the situation by doing what you think appropriate (walk away and avoid further embarrassment or worse…an argument …at work) 4) and finally address it after work by discussing appropriate boundaries. Look some personal interaction is fine (like the fork sharing) but saying “I love you” in front of colleagues is just awkward and probably makes coworkers uncomfortable. Uncomfortable coworkers can cause problems for your continued employment. It is great she has those feelings but there is a time and place. Again, talk to her first about what makes you uncomfortable and maybe that is all that it takes.
Nothanks Posted October 20, 2021 Posted October 20, 2021 9 hours ago, ASG said: I have to agree with @Gaetahere. If I was your GF and I was talking to you, and you said "not now" and turned away to ignore me, the conversation after work would be about much more than "boundaries at work". Depends, If he has already had the conversation about boundaries and she continues to disregard his feelings, he shouldn’t just let her continue on while he gets further embarrassed. I think we may be envisioning different scenarios. I think there is a range from harmless personal interactions (like sharing a fork) to an ongoing pattern of inappropriate or uncomfortable behaviour (like pdas in the office). So OP, only you know the circumstances. Best way forward is talking to her and coming to a mutual understanding.
Lotsgoingon Posted October 20, 2021 Posted October 20, 2021 OP, I can't tell if you think your gf is violating work protocols or if this is simply a difference comfort levels with public displays of affection. I answered assuming it was the former.
Author ironpony Posted October 20, 2021 Author Posted October 20, 2021 (edited) Oh well I just wanted to appear professional but she has a really hard time hiding her how smitten she is with me, so to speak. I'm smitten with her too of course, but I guess I felt I do a better job of hiding it at work. Just thought it may give an unprofessional impression. Edited October 20, 2021 by ironpony
Nothanks Posted October 20, 2021 Posted October 20, 2021 1 hour ago, ironpony said: Just thought it may give an unprofessional impression It may or it may not. It can depend on the job and work environment. In a highly professional environment, there may be zero tolerance for such behaviour, particularly in front of paying clients (my frame of reference). Conversely you may work in a more fun and relaxed environment. And there are a lot of jobs that fall in the grey zone between those lines. We don’t know the specifics of your situation but as a general rule, I’d err on the side of professionalism. Nobody gets fired for being too professional but being unprofessional……definitely taking a risk. Again though, work it out with her so you are both on the same page. If you are both so much in love, you can definitely work this out!
Lotsgoingon Posted October 20, 2021 Posted October 20, 2021 4 hours ago, Nothanks said: It may or it may not. It can depend on the job and work environment. The OP reported events that happened at a lunch at work.
ASG Posted October 20, 2021 Posted October 20, 2021 16 hours ago, Nothanks said: Depends, If he has already had the conversation about boundaries and she continues to disregard his feelings, he shouldn’t just let her continue on while he gets further embarrassed. I think we may be envisioning different scenarios. I think there is a range from harmless personal interactions (like sharing a fork) to an ongoing pattern of inappropriate or uncomfortable behaviour (like pdas in the office). So OP, only you know the circumstances. Best way forward is talking to her and coming to a mutual understanding. Regardless. If you told me "not now" and turned to another person to start a conversation, effectively blanking me, you can bet that by the time end of business came, for you to tell me off about my "pda", I'd be having words with YOU about the way you treat me. OP sharing a fork or having her mouth whatever is not exactly unprofessional. And it seems you're in a relaxed work environment when it come to dating amongst co workers, so don't make it a bigger deal than it is. By all means, talk to your GF, but don't make this a bigger deal than it is
dramafreezone Posted October 21, 2021 Posted October 21, 2021 19 hours ago, ironpony said: Oh well I just wanted to appear professional but she has a really hard time hiding her how smitten she is with me, so to speak. I'm smitten with her too of course, but I guess I felt I do a better job of hiding it at work. Just thought it may give an unprofessional impression. Well, if it means this much to you, you have to be firm. Not mean but let her know that this behavior crosses a boundary for you and needs to stop. You HAVE to tell her that. And I'm not saying that she won't have a negative reaction to it. I sense that you think she'll have a negative reaction to it, or you would've told her already. She may blow up, she may break up with you, but you dealing with something that you don't like because you're afraid of offending her, that will be problematic later on if you both continue down this path. It's either important to you or it's not. It sounds like you're afraid of losing her so you're just letting it slide even though you don't like it. No bueno.
Author ironpony Posted October 21, 2021 Author Posted October 21, 2021 9 hours ago, ASG said: Regardless. If you told me "not now" and turned to another person to start a conversation, effectively blanking me, you can bet that by the time end of business came, for you to tell me off about my "pda", I'd be having words with YOU about the way you treat me. OP sharing a fork or having her mouth whatever is not exactly unprofessional. And it seems you're in a relaxed work environment when it come to dating amongst co workers, so don't make it a bigger deal than it is. By all means, talk to your GF, but don't make this a bigger deal than it is Oh maybe I am making a bigger deal than it is. Today she kept trying to mouth something to me to so people wouldn't hear her, but I just got a bit annoyed by it, and told her in front of everyone that I can't understand her and to tell me later. Not sure if that embarrassed her or not, but I didn't know what else to say, since she kept trying to mouth something to me and my non-verbal signals telling her to save it for later, were not getting across.
ASG Posted October 21, 2021 Posted October 21, 2021 Depending on how loud you said that, yes it migbt have been embarrassing. Why couldn't you whisper that to her, instead of telling her "in front of everyone"? I'm assuming you didn't have access to your phones, cause that's also a good way to communicate discreetly.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 21, 2021 Posted October 21, 2021 In your other thread, you admit you told her you have to picture other women in order to get aroused with her. I think this woman is looking for some sign of approval from you, even in the form of these little gestures at work. Be kinder with her feelings, OP. You've already revealed something quite hurtful to her so I think it would serve you well to be more considerate here. The bigger picture doesn't look great, but you can turn that around with some compassion and patience.
Wiseman2 Posted October 21, 2021 Posted October 21, 2021 10 hours ago, ironpony said: I am making a bigger deal than it is. Act professional and friendly to everyone at work including not getting annoyed at her. Don't be rude by acting annoyed, even if she's acting strange. She's at work and can do whatever she wants, even if it's questionable and bothers you. Maybe it's time to consider ending it. You're getting annoyed and seem to have very little empathy, compassion or respect for her.
Author ironpony Posted October 21, 2021 Author Posted October 21, 2021 (edited) Oh I feel I have compassion and respect for her though. I didnt' mean to give that impression. Edited October 21, 2021 by ironpony
Author ironpony Posted October 21, 2021 Author Posted October 21, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, ASG said: Depending on how loud you said that, yes it migbt have been embarrassing. Why couldn't you whisper that to her, instead of telling her "in front of everyone"? I'm assuming you didn't have access to your phones, cause that's also a good way to communicate discreetly. Well she wouldn't have been able to hear me if I whispered it though. I was about maybe 10 feet away from her in the lunch room, across a large lunch table. So I would have had to have got up, walked all the way over to hear, around the table, and whisiper close to her, just so no one else could hear. Wouldn't that have looked more odd to everyone? Edited October 21, 2021 by ironpony
Recommended Posts