Not sure why he's not matching me?

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

5 months ago, I matched with a guy online. We were living in different cities at that point; I was due to move to his town soon for work and was thus seeking connections there.

Back then, we had a video call, and then we texted loads in the days/weeks that followed. Most of this texting was being initiated by him. I had plans to visit the new town before properly moving there, he suggested we meet up.

But before my visit happened, when one day I just suggested we do a second video call to catch up properly, he told me he had actually recently gone back to his ex. He said that she came back into his life unpredictably when he thought she was ‘long gone’. He said though that he really enjoys chatting with me and that he really doesn’t hope I feel like he’s been wasting my time.

My response was to delete him as a contact without saying anything back. Thus suddenly my picture vanished from his WhatsApp chats and I was gone. I know this was too extreme a move, I would definitely handle this kind of situation differently next time. Please don’t judge 

Him telling me he went back to his ex, correlated with the fact that his profiles on the dating apps went inactive around that time as well. Which suggests it was a legitimate excuse and not just a made-up way to get out of our connection. I was a little sad since I did feel we gelled well and I did hope that one day he does come back if things didn’t work out with him and his ex.

Now, 5 months later, when I have moved to the new town, the guy is back on the dating apps. With brand new profiles too. However, I am seeing that he is not matching with me on any of the apps. Just to verify this further, on one app, you can actually contact someone without having to match with them first. I tried this and reached out to him in the app, but yet again alas, no response.

I know it’s not looking great but my main reason for this post is, I would like help making sense of this situation. Back then, the guy was interested enough to want to keep texting me for weeks after we had our one video call (that one video call was even during his lunch break from work). But we never met in person. Why then, would he brush me off so determinedly now? What would he have to go on, really, for that?

And even if he does have a solid reason for avoiding me, we never met in person so there’s no real foundation for the ‘decision’ to avoid me, whatever it is. In an ideal setting it would be really great to go for a drink in person and see if we had the same good connection we had back when we were texting every day. I still have his number from back then. Should I send him a text? Or will this just annoy him given he is not matching me on any app 

Thanks everyone for your thoughts

Edited October 18, 2021 by babybrowns

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, babybrowns said:

5 months ago, I matched with a guy online. 5 months later, when I have moved to the new town, the guy is back on the dating apps. With brand new profiles too. you can actually contact someone without having to match with them first. I tried this and reached out to him in the app, but yet again alas, no response.

Good luck in your new location. Go forwards, not backwards. 

[babybrowns]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Good luck in your new location. Go forwards, not backwards. 

Sure but we just had really nice connection I feel, and not everyone you match with  brings this same great connection. Thanks too btw

Edited October 18, 2021 by babybrowns

[Foxhall]

I think you would be wrong to go running after him now,

at the end of the day he finished contact with you before,

you are putting yourself down, for want of a better phrase, or giving him a psychological advantage, by chasing after him now,

if I were to be generous I could say he is embarrassed now to contact you after ending it previously,

but look you have reached out on the app, dont chase any further- that is humbling yourself.

Its up to him now to come groveling and make a strong play to rekindle things,

otherwise look elsewhere and even if he comes knocking Id make him earn it.

 

 

 

 

[kendahke]

22 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

My response was to delete him as a contact without saying anything back. Thus suddenly my picture vanished from his WhatsApp chats and I was gone. I know this was too extreme a move, I would definitely handle this kind of situation differently next time. Please don’t judge 

I see nothing wrong with how you handled that.  There is no future as long as he's gone back to his ex. How he feels about you doing that is his problem. Don't feel bad for doing this.

Quote

Back then, the guy was interested enough to want to keep texting me for weeks after we had our one video call (that one video call was even during his lunch break from work). But we never met in person. Why then, would he brush me off so determinedly now?

I think that his ex is really his wife or SO and she may have almost caught him talking to you, so that's why he came up with this story... let him stick to it. He sounds exceedingly messy.

Quote

but we just had really nice connection

connecting to a lie may feel good initially, but it wreaks havoc as time goes forward.

Edited October 18, 2021 by kendahke

[glows]

Too clingy. This is only  some guy you matched with and had one video call with. Let go. If the app is returning scarce options, step away from the app. Take a break. Try a new app, meet other people in person through interest groups. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Leave him alone ... just the "go back to ex" episode was a red flag. He's flaky. And now he's not with ex? Come on now. How many red flags do you hvae to have to realize something ain't right about this guy.  It would utterly foolish and dangerous (emotionally) to trust him.

Stop pressing the gas--you're only going to run into a wall. And look, when someone doesn't respond to a message that means they are not interested. Period. 

Connect with other people. 

[stillafool]

Maybe he's just met someone else and doesn't look back.  I think you should do the same.  I wouldn't contact him again if I were you.

[BaileyB]

I think he is cheating on his wife.
 

Either that, or he has decided he is not interested. respect that and move on. there are many men in this world - you don’t need to worry about the men who (for whatever reason) are not interested. Next.

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn’t waste one more minute wondering about this. 

It’s not worth the fretting. Just chalk it up to a non-starter and keep on trucking’.

[Alpacalia]

I'm sure he would have responded if he was interested in reconnecting.

It's futile to pursue someone who isn't responding. Accept, for whatever reason, he isn't interested in reconnecting.

I know this is a silly question, but rather than flogging a dead horse, why not concentrate your energies on new possibilities?

Edited October 19, 2021 by Alpaca

[ShyViolet]

You are wayyy over-analyzing a situation with a guy who you never actually met in person and who you really didn't know.  It doesn't matter now.  You don't know this person, and no you don't have a "connection" with him.  Let it go and move on with your life.

[Whodatdog]

On 10/18/2021 at 4:57 PM, babybrowns said:

Sure but we just had really nice connection I feel, and not everyone you match with  brings this same great connection. Thanks too btw

You may have felt a nice connection, but apparently he didnt and just gracefully bowed out.

[Versacehottie]

On 10/18/2021 at 1:55 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Good luck in your new location. Go forwards, not backwards. 

This is probably his mentality, i'm guessing. Moving forward, not backwards.

I'd say you are doing "it" again in a way, BB.  You had an extreme overreaction even though he managed letting you know well.  Not judging you for it but he might be.  You need to see each relationship and interaction with people as more fluid than you do.  It's not set to one black and white point in time; it will evolve based on each of your inputs.  For example, he could have been open to meeting you but you killed the attraction with the "proper video chats" confirm and re-confirm and then you overreacted even though he treated you with respect in bowing out with his unfinished business.  

Also realistically that could have just been an excuse (that the ex had come back into his life)...in a way, you want all this certainty on paper and through "proper" video calls and probably over texting and over-analyzing and in the meantime (those are your inputs) you are killing his attraction to you.  Huge generalization coming here but guys (and girls) tend to like someone who moves forward with spontaneity and because exposure to the object of your affection or your "match" kind of gets you swept up in good feelings and seeing the best/positive sides of someone. You want to work off THAT momentum. 

Your desire to get some sort of certainty is thwarting your efforts to date.  It's a fallacy anyway that you can achieve that.  You need to go with the flow a LOT more.  I'd guess that is part of the reason, he wants a clean slate, fresh start.

Sure though in that same spirit, text him.  But if he doesn't respond, just understand that is part of the normal risks one takes in dating (and made worse by your previous mismanagement of things perhaps).  So if he doesn't respond, don't get all depressed and wacky with your efforts going forward with others.  I can imagine you drawing false conclusions and poor proclamations if things don't go your way.  There are lots of lessons here not just the ones that support your fear-based mindset. Ok good luck

Edited October 20, 2021 by Versacehottie

[basil67]

On 10/19/2021 at 7:51 AM, babybrowns said:

And even if he does have a solid reason for avoiding me, we never met in person so there’s no real foundation for the ‘decision’ to avoid me, whatever it is. In an ideal setting it would be really great to go for a drink in person and see if we had the same good connection we had back when we were texting every day. I still have his number from back then. Should I send him a text? Or will this just annoy him given he is not matching me on any app 

Thanks everyone for your thoughts

I agree with the others about you moving forward not backwards. 

However I will address the past as it may help you move forwards.  Your lack of graciousness when he told you that he'd gone back to his ex is a solid reason for avoiding you.   At the very least, you could have said "thanks for letting me know, I hope it all works out for you" and simply unmatched him.   In my view, your lack of manners is a solid foundation for avoiding you.  That said, he can avoid you for a good reason, a bad reason or no reason at all.  It's his prerogative who he chooses to talk to and/or date. 

[Versacehottie]

On 10/18/2021 at 1:57 PM, babybrowns said:

Sure but we just had really nice connection I feel, and not everyone you match with  brings this same great connection. Thanks too btw

Let's be real and honest about this though....

"a really nice connection" which he chose to honor by giving you respect and consideration when he broke things off (or discontinued) due to his unfinished business....and which you did not.  You went angry on him and that has repercussions where it causes people to reconsider if indeed it WAS a nice connection.  Or nice enough (or strong enough) to put up with this b.s.  

When you just are talking to someone and there's no dating history at all, i'd say your reaction was over the top and now you are paying for that (likely the reason).  The nice connection you "had" evolves/evolved based on what happened (your inputs/his).  I mean it's equally as possible that even if you hadn't overreacted, you might also decide yourself that you don't want to date someone who would go back to an ex or who didn't act on the connection at the time you had it.  The point is that everything is always evolving. The quicker you make peace with that fact, the better off your dating will be.

[Alvi]

On 10/18/2021 at 2:51 PM, babybrowns said:

But before my visit happened, when one day I just suggested we do a second video call to catch up properly, he told me he had actually recently gone back to his ex. He said that she came back into his life unpredictably when he thought she was ‘long gone’. He said though that he really enjoys chatting with me and that he really doesn’t hope I feel like he’s been wasting my time.

Sounds like a time waster to be honest. Actually, maybe he did you a favor. Imagine if you actually started dating him and he decided to leave you for his ex just because she decided to waltz in into his life.

On 10/18/2021 at 2:51 PM, babybrowns said:

My response was to delete him as a contact without saying anything back. Thus suddenly my picture vanished from his WhatsApp chats and I was gone. I know this was too extreme a move, I would definitely handle this kind of situation differently next time. Please don’t judge 

You did the right thing. You did what you thought was right for you to forget about him and move on. Rude or not, it has to be about you and your feeling and not about him. You don't owe him anything, especially after he told you that he gone back to his ex. Well, actually you don't owe him anything since you've never met. No need to handle it differently. What do you think blocking someone who told you that he is going back to his ex is too extreme? Why would you want to keep in contact with someone who rejected you to begin with? lol

On 10/18/2021 at 2:51 PM, babybrowns said:

. Just to verify this further, on one app, you can actually contact someone without having to match with them first. I tried this and reached out to him in the app, but yet again alas, no response.

I know it’s not looking great but my main reason for this post is, I would like help making sense of this situation. Back then, the guy was interested enough to want to keep texting me for weeks after we had our one video call (that one video call was even during his lunch break from work). But we never met in person. Why then, would he brush me off so determinedly now? What would he have to go on, really, for that?

Who knows. Maybe he thinks you are no longer interested in him. Maybe he is too embarrassed to contact you again. Maybe he set his eyes on someone else. Maybe he doesn't feel that the two of you are a good match after all for whatever reason. Maybe he didn't like how you blocked him, but what did he really expect you to stay in touch  and wait for him just in case?  I am just speculating. It could be anything. He is not brushing you off, don't feel that this is about you. 

On 10/18/2021 at 2:51 PM, babybrowns said:

Should I send him a text?

No, please do not text him as tempting as it sounds. He knows where to find you if he wants to. But you have to ask yourself, why would you want to be a second best? He rejected you because the love of his life (apparently) wanted him back. Things didn't work out with her, obviously. Why would you want her leftovers? And what's to say he is not going to go back to her in the future. And in his eyes you might look like a second best since the things didn't work out with the bigger better deal. He obviously didn't think you are good enough for him first time around. You need to find a guy who thinks you are the number one, the best one. Not this. Sorry to sound so blunt but it is what it is.

Just keep moving, don't either contact not reply if he ever contacts you again. Basically have some pride. You didn't find yourself in a garbage as my mom says.

[Versacehottie]

28 minutes ago, Alvi said:

You didn't find yourself in a garbage as my mom says.

ok this ^^^ is golden!! Great saying

Agree with a lot of what you said. The one thing though I think I would keep in mind for this OP (including with her history as I sure you've bumped into as well) is that she isn't truly sure-footed about the actions and reactions she does. She will take steps to either overly protect herself, guard herself or try to manipulate the outcome of a situation when it doesn't match what she feels inside. I think one of the first steps would be getting her actions that she takes in the real world to match her internal feelings--even breaking it down further to baby steps of pinpointing what her feelings actually are if that's where she needs to start.

What's hard is when she throws a big bomb and then re-thinks it because she would actually prefer a different outcome.  A lot of potential partners are going to reject a person like that (especially with no history/virtually no history with them) because people don't want volatile or drama into their lives (generally).  I also think OP and anyone really benefits from conducting their lives as their best selves and rising to their ideal level and letting the chips fall where they may. No shame in that game.  Lol even your mom's great statement backs that up in both the meaning that "don't treat yourself like garbage" but also "don't behave like garbage" (which is surely a little too harsh for this situation but it's a point that's for sure).

If OP wanted to throw that bomb and never look back because she gets some personal satisfaction out of it, one might have to question why she would.  Also maybe there's a great lesson in there that you never know where things will go so maybe best not to self-sabotage things unnecessarily or act with dignity.  I can surely agree that depending on how it was said maybe his statement that he's getting back with the ex doesn't require a response--but then it really shouldn't be that baffling to OP as to why she is not getting one from him now.  Personally, I always think high road is best. You get much satisfaction from that really. Plus no one on a dating app really IMO should act or have expectations that things are going anywhere until significant traction and a first date is had.  In this case, the guy supposedly picked the ex-gf but he easily could have been farther along with someone else from the app or met someone he liked better from the app.  It's just part of the normal inherent dating risk. Single people being single and the shuffle that happens until two people want to move into something more serious together. Downsizing her expectations in this realm would probably help her a lot--and if she really wrapped her head around that and not pin all her hopes on one guy, she probably wouldn't have reacted the way she did. It' was 5 (??) months away and she probably could have used a new friend in the new city anyway. I know lots of people who are together where it didn't start out in a straightforward manner, ie, choose someone from an app and ride off into the sunset together. Very often it is timing not great for some reason or another, but the person remains in your life or re-enters your life for a bunch of possible reasons and then the timing is right. If she's going to have regrets, it might serve her better to operate as if those possibilities exist.