MY POV - BS (non-threatening, but long)

[TryingToUnderstand]

I just joined this forum although i've been lurking here for while. I know that I shouldn't be posting here, but I needed to get this off my chest.

 

I guess i'm not officially a BS although I have serious suspicions about my H. I haven't found solid proof yet.

 

In the beginning I lurked here trying to find my H's OW. Then it became more about trying to understand how this happens to people. What i've come to realize is that there can be REAL feelings between the WS and OW. That once you're "in it" it's not that easy to walk away. I guess I always viewed OW as whores and home wreckers, but I have a slightly different view now. Of course, i'm not condoning this. If I catch my H in a A, i'm outta here! But I wouldn't put all of the blame on the OW. It is my H who broke the marriage vows. Although in reality i've broken them too. Just not the same one. I promised to love,honor, and cherish him and I didn't do that. I've had such anger and resentment for him for what he's already put me through that I fight with him on a daily basis. I own my part in the demise of our marriage, but I don't take responsibility for him straying. That is on him. I just wish he would confess. I've told him that I want NOTHING from him. No child support, alimony. Hell, I told him he could keep the house!! I just want out of the marriage with a shred of dignity. He still denies everything. Why don't I just leave? Because ending a marriage is hard, and I don't have PROOF that he's cheating. If he is telling the truth about not having an A, then there might be hope for us.

 

Just as you, the OW, have a hard time walking away even though you know that the relationship is "bad" for you, so does the BS. I think the OW only gets one side of the story and uses it to justify the relationship (i.e.- my wife yells at me constantly. She never has sex with me. We don't love each other anymore). That's his side and i'm sure if you talked to the BS you'd get a different story in some cases.

 

I think the real blame is with the WS. They need to stop coming up with excuses and either leave their marriage or stop having the A. They are ultimately hurting both the BS and the OW. I see how much hurt you all go through, with broken promises and broken hearts. Alot of these men don't EVER leave their marriages!!! I'm not trying to gloat. If my H IS having an affair - his OW can HAVE HIM!!! No victory here! But unfortunately it's the OW most times that get tossed.

 

These men don't care about anyone but themselves! I know each situation is different. And if my H HAS in fact found his true soulmate, then I wish he'd tell me. So that I could grieve this relationship and move on. And someday find MY true soulmate.

 

Just my thoughts - thanks for letting me get this out!

 

TryingToUnderstand

[whichwayisup]

Good post TTU.

 

The thing is, these MM think the OW is their soulmate. What it is, are feelings that are awakened. Has nothing to do with what is going on at home most of the time, it's like a midlife crisis and OW has caught his attention. Ofcourse they're all happy and life is perfect. It's FANTASY! Not real love, not even a real relationship. It's pure sexual lust and it's easy to confuse.

 

Yes, the MM are very selfish and thinking with the wrong head. Obviously if they were thinking they wouldn't be in the mess that unfolds here on LS.

 

The BS is undeserving of the pain, and is the one who picks up the pieces, tries to work through it all, learns how to trust again and to love openly once more, without doubt or fears.

 

The OW is ofcourse in pain and hurts, but she is part of the equation of the situation, just like the MM.

 

People always say "If my spouse cheated I'd divorce right away." The thing is, nobody really knows what they'd do until it happens to them. Even right now, you say you'd let the OW have him! That you would go on and find your true soulmate. What if your husband is your soulmate? You'd let him go if he was willing to put in 200% to do all possible to make it up to you?

 

As wrong as it is, many make mistakes and some deserve second chances. Some don't. It depends on the situation I guess. And if kids are involved, the money, and life in general, what sort of person one is to have to deal with an affair throw in the mix.

 

I hope your husband isn't having one, but do all you can to find out WHY he had it if it is true. He may be depressed, or unhappy. Maybe his needs aren't being met and he isn't communicating...So instead of working through it he could have chosen to go outside the marriage.

 

Hang in there and take care. Again, good post and I'm sure many will reply!

[Katch22]

Wow, it's wierd to here the other side of this story. I've been the ow for a year and like most I'm the one hurt and lonely. But I too will get through it. It's not like greiveing over a normal realtionship because when you end a normal realationship you usually know that you gave it your all or you tried to make it work. But with this type of realationship you don't have that closure.

You will always wonder if he was the ONE, the one that you belonged with. And how happy would you really be, would it be as good as you & mm imagined it or would it be BETTER??? And then theres the what if I just had waited another few months I've waited this long what's the difference now. And then you look back as say if I would've ended it back then I would be over it by now!!! Funny how 20-20 vision works afterwards! lol

 

Well I hope for your sake that he's not cheating and that you two can find someway to work it out or part being friends. But atleast you feel the same way I do about if he ever cheated. I don't deal well with betral it sounds very IRONIC coming from me I'm sure but I told him if I ever found out that he cheated on me when we were together I would burn all of his stuff. He would laugh and tell me he had no doubt!!!

 

Well then there's also the part of saying things that hurt them. And then you feel bad because you are suppose to be there SAFE HAVEN but you can only take so much. It's start to wear on you and then you want to lash out and hurt them as bad as they are hurting you everytime they leave. Wow I feel like I'm spilling my heart out. Well I guess I am cause I went through another episode today with the mm and I know I hurt him I think I may have divestated him today I took a very low blow but I felt that he needed to know how he makes me feel. So I copied and pasted one of my posting that I wrote on here and sent it to him via email. And I knew he got it and I know it hurt but the TRUTH does hurt.

 

Thanks for listening to me ramble.

Katch22:(

[NewUser]

Hi, TTU:

 

It's certainly interesting talking to the W of a suspected cheating husband. You are brave to post and generous to share your thoughts with the OW who read and post here (myself an ex OW).

 

You are searching for confirmation that your husband is cheating. Also very brave, because once you know, then you must take some sort of action. I'm curious, though: do you REALLY want to know? The reason I'm asking is because my ex MM's wife contacted me on three separate occasions. Once to ask me if there was an affair, and I maintained that there was not. Once she called me to remind me not to contact her husband after my phone number showed up on his cell phone again. I wasn't very nice to her the second time she called, and in fact, I told her that even though she treated her husband like a child, she had no right to do that to me.

 

The third time she called, it was because I called her house and asked for her husband. He and I worked together, so I was able to explain that one away.

 

The thing is: even though there were countless calls between the MM and me, text messages, etc., and even though after her first call to me, telling me not to contact him anymore, there were sporadic telephone exchanges bewteen the MM and me, she seemed to accept it when I told her we weren't having an A. Part of me thinks she HAD to have known I was lying. He and I worked together and there were many nights he *worked late* or weekends when he had to *go into the office*

 

My point here is that, even though this woman searched for answers (checked his cell phone bill) and confronted the woman she suspected as the OW, she still *bought* our stories that we were merely friends and co-workers. I often wonder if her stance was a bit for show since it was so obvious we were involved despite our respective denials. I sometimes think she was relieved that we'd lied, so she could continue to look like the *smart* wife, and have to take no action with regard to fixing or ending her marriage.

 

I'd like to know what you think about that TTU. And, thanks again.

[seachange]

Hi TTU. I can relate to your post, because I was once a BS. It's been a couple of years for me since my divorce, and I can honestly say that while I stopped wanting him back about a year and a half ago, I'm still dealing with the betrayal, and I do still have to battle insecurity and fight off lingering tendrils of paranoia in my new relationships. I suppose that will take some time; it's just a lot harder to trust now.

 

I also don't post in the OW/OM forum generally, though I read it from time to time, because I know it's for OW/OM to vent and try to figure things out without a lot of finger-pointing. I'll admit, it does bother me sometimes when I see so much anger directed from OW towards the BW (i.e. why doesn't she just leave him alone, he doesn't want her anymore, can't she see that, she's crazy, etc etc.) I don't really understand it, because it seems like there should be more solidarity, since both are generally being lied to. But I guess in both cases (OW and BW) it helps sometimes to demonize the Other. I don't know. In my case, I was angry with her, sure, because she met me several times and knew that he was married. So no, she wasn't exactly innocent--but she was just a child, only 22. I guess, weirdly, I felt kind of sorry for her. My problem was with him.

 

But anyway. I guess I also wanted to say this to Katch22, hopefully without getting flamed, because I'm not saying it to challenge you, only to hopefully get you to see this from another point of view. (and thank you to TTU for offering that venue)

 

Katch, I read in another thread where you got angry at another poster and said people (i.e. BW) shouldn't judge until they've walked in your shoes. I hope you'll come to see, in time, that that also works in reverse--what I mean is, until your husband of however many years has cheated on you, you really can't know if you'd just toss him out the door. I always said I would, and I couldn't do it--not for a while, anyway. It's just not so simple. It's years of emotional investment and that takes time to wean yourself from and let reality sink in: that he's not the man she thought he was. Everyone on this board is trying to deal with that reality.

 

And I do hope you won't continue to demonize the wife - she may indeed be crazy, but you've only his word for that, and you know he lies to serve his own needs. It's not easy for her to leave, and it's probably not solely about her financial situation.

[TryingToUnderstand]

To New User:

In answer to your question, in my case, YES! I really do want to know. I know some women who really didn't want to know. I think, because either the pain was too much to bear, or they were afraid of starting their life over again. In my case though I HATE living a lie. I do know that if I find out he's been cheating that I will definitely leave this time. I have to. My sanity depends on it. I haven't caught him cheating yet, but I have caught him in numberous lies in the past (not about OW though).

 

My H was the first person I ever gave my heart to. He was the first man I ever allowed myself to trust and that trust has been broken time and time again. And I, like many OW, tried to leave many times and always got sucked back in. That's why I say i know how hard these relationships can be. I should've left a thousand times, but love makes you put up with things that your logic tells you you shouldn't.

 

But now i'm at a point where, for my own sanity, I need to know. I've read too many stories here about OW in relationships with MMs for many many years. I don't want to look back on my life with my H and say "what a sham, what a waste of love and emotion on my part".

 

Do you know what it's like to get into bed with your H and when he cuddles up next to you and puts his arms around you -- all you want to do is cry? Cry, and say "what have I done to deserve this kind of hurt? This kind of pain?". Why don't I even get the common courtesy of the truth! Sorry, I feel myself getting upset about it, and i'm sure none of you wants to hear the rantings of a BW.

 

I do thank all of you for reading my post and responding to it. It really didn't come from a place of hatred on my part. I appreciate your willingness to listen to the other side of the fence.

[seachange]

Since I'm already posting here, I'll throw in my 2 cents to your question too.

 

My exH's affair went on for at least 6 months (as far as I know). I didn't have a clue. Really. Not one. He worked late hours, but that was the kind of job he had (at a restaurant), and, well, I actually believed him.

 

When things got really bad, towards the end, we were fighting a lot because he was so distant, and then he told me he just didn't think he loved me anymore. I was devastated, yeah, but I took him at his word, asked to go to counselling, the usual. I still didn't glom on. He also didn't say anything about separating. Nothing at all. Just continued to act distant. Then, when I finally started to think, hey, something's off here, and I asked him if there was anyone else, he denied it, and, well, I just believed him. I used to be so sharp about these things. But what can I say, after seven years I had gotten into the habit of trusting him.

 

Thinking back, I think it was because it was totally plausible to me that someone might act distant and pull away because they're just falling out of love, not cheating. I'd done it myself, with other people.

 

But I'll say this. Once I finally started to suspect there was someone else, and lord knows it took me long enough, I HAD to know. Just had to. Nothing was more important than finally making sense of something that had suddenly stopped making sense. I felt like I was going crazy, because something just wasn't right, and I couldn't just tell myself (or let him continue to tell me) that I was paranoid when his story wasn't gelling. I honestly felt like he was driving me insane with his denials.

 

And then when I knew, ugh, it was incredibly painful. BUT everything snapped into place, and I could finally make the decisions that were mine to make. With the information I should have had access to all along. You know?

[whichwayisup]

Not knowing is worse than knowing. Atleast you find out and can deal with it head on.

 

I feel for what you went through..I can only compare it to cancer. When my father was ill, we didn't really know what it was...The stress and pain of not knowing wtf was going to happen drove us all nuts - But as horrible as it was finding out the bad news, we all could then deal with it and figure out a game plan. Sorry, I know it's not the greatest comparison, but it's all I could come up with.

[newbby]

Hello TTU,

Thankyou for sharing your story. I completely agree with you. The MM both hurts the wife and the ow. I think that the mm often plays the sympathy card with the ow, which is why the ow gets the impression that the wife is mean, psychotic, doesnt appreciate him, will not sleep with him etc etc...

he also says the ow is his soulmate, he has never felt like this, both him and his wife are contemplating divorce, living together only for practical reasons blah blah...

These are all lies, designed to keep the ow in there, despite the guilt the ow feels about the wife, it is hard not to believe the stories sometimes, because it is hard to believe that somebody can lie so outrageously and convincingly. As time goes on the ow gets more of an inkling of the truth but usually by that time she is addicted to the relationship and drained by the fact that she has been an accomplice in his cake eating, in alot of denial etc..

when the mm gets caught out, his lies to the wife will then make him the poor innocent party in the affair also. I was feeling bad about myself and the ow pursued me. She knew I was married but she didnt care she pursued me, offered me her body, I was vulnerable and stupid...

In every case I have heard direct from the ow, it is always the mm who determinedly pursues the ow, sometimes lying about his status, always lying about the state of his marriage.

Yes, it works both ways, the wife is also in enough denial that she desperately wants to believe that it was not her husband who pursued the ow, that the ow is a horrible person. The ow is in enough denial that she wants to believe the wife is a nasty person, that the marriage is in a state of irreversible repair.

The mm usually gets away relatively lightly. The two women blame each other more than him.

I have recently ended a relationship with a mm, and seen his true colours very clearly. I know what he is up to because of the circumstances of our daily lives. I know that now he is going out all the time while his wife sits at home and I have reason to believe he is looking for another ow. I feel sorry for his wife. I think if he is really not happy he should leave her so that she can get her own life and find somebody who appreciates her. I know she does get alot of attention from men. I think he has made her feel so bad about herself that she doesnt want to leave the house. Or perhaps he is happy with her, for some things but needs the added excitement of an ow.

Whatever the case, it is selfish.

TTU, you dont really say why you suspect that your h is having an affair. I think that you must feel the marriage is in a bad way, anyway, regardless of whether he is or isnt. Have you considered marriage counselling? Or if not, leaving him! Let him really know what he is missing. Get yourself strong outside of your relationship with him and let him see he has got to treat you as you deserve because if he doesnt, you can easily go and get what you deserve elsewhere. Dont give him the house either and dont leave yourself without financial support, why should you? Dont see it as something he is doing for you, but something he has committed to, and that you are entitled to.

[NewUser]

I have been doing a lot of soul-searching since ending it with the MM. I still haven't come to any solid conclusions about what led me to that type of destructive relationship, but I will continue this introspective journey until I do figure it out. I do not EVER want to repeat that mistake again.

 

I always knew that I had no right to ingratiate myself into another woman's marriage. Logically, I was always in touch with the fact that I shouldn't have been with another woman's husband. I suppose, foolishly, I justified my behavior by the fact that I didn't pursue this man. It was he who invited me into the marriage. I figured -- hey, he's obviously unhappy or he wouldn't have come for me -- if I can bring him happiness and love, why not?

 

I know why not, now. A little late, yes, but trust me, my remorse is real.

 

One thing I also believe strongly is this: if a wife is compelled to look for an OW, then chances are, she is right on target. Absent an OW, though, if your marriage is fractured to the point where you believe there is an OW, then it needs immediate attention. The issue of mistrust, whether or not your husband is cheating, is a cancer and will ultimately destroy your marriage and quite possibly, you and he as well.

 

I say this with all due respect as, clearly, I have no business giving advice on marriage. In this regard, I'm speaking only as one woman to another.

 

Again, thank you for having the courage to post here. Your open-mindedness and non-judgmental thoughts are welcome and certainly an eye-opener for those of us who have been accomplises to MM in turning Ws into BSs.

 

For what it's worth: my relationship with the MM ended horribly. Both of us attacked each other at the personal level. This was on the heels of a very tumultuous relationship that was only peppered with good times here and there. You should take some comfort in the fact that almost every OW winds up having to work through layers upon layers of hurt once the relationship ends. It will take me a long time to completely heal.

 

Be well. Good luck. And, thanks again.

[Katch22]

To New User:

YES! I really do want to know. I know some women who really didn't want to know. I think, because either the pain was too much to bear, or they were afraid of starting their life over again. In my case though I HATE living a lie.

 

I feel the same way about it too!!! I think that's why I feel so hurt by mm because it was all a lie!!

 

My H was the first person I ever gave my heart to. He was the first man I ever allowed myself to trust and that trust has been broken time and time again. And I, like many OW, tried to leave many times and always got sucked back in. That's why I say i know how hard these relationships can be. I should've left a thousand times, but love makes you put up with things that your logic tells you you shouldn't.

 

Trusting someone has always been a huge problem for me and when I finally decided to trust someone it was completely the wrong person. There's a new song out by Kelly Clarkson it called because of you and it fits so perfectly!!

 

But now i'm at a point where, for my own sanity, I need to know. I've read too many stories here about OW in relationships with MMs for many many years. I don't want to look back on my life with my H and say "what a sham, what a waste of love and emotion on my part".

 

That's the exact same reason why I ended it because I didn't want to end up in this for yrs I all ready in it for a year so NO MORE is what I told him. But I don't think he's believing me still but he will!!

 

Do you know what it's like to get into bed with your H and when he cuddles up next to you and puts his arms around you -- all you want to do is cry? Cry, and say "what have I done to deserve this kind of hurt? This kind of pain?". Why don't I even get the common courtesy of the truth! Sorry, I feel myself getting upset about it, and i'm sure none of you wants to hear the rantings of a BW.

 

I think it is theraputic for those of us (OW) that can handle it some are not that strong but for me it's good so please don't stop posting. Even though we are on opposite sides of the story our feelings seem to be very similar. Betrayl, hurt, why what did I do, and so on.

 

I do thank all of you for reading my post and responding to it. It really didn't come from a place of hatred on my part. I appreciate your willingness to listen to the other side of the fence.

 

Sincerely

Katch22:love:

[TryingToUnderstand]

Thank you Katch22 for responding. I'm surprised at how thoughtful and sympathetic everyone here has been. I didn't come here to flame or judge anyone, but I thought I would get alot of crap for posting here. I'm going to leave this board now because I feel that I shouldn't be here. I'm a BW, the enemy, right?

 

I just wanted you all to know that sometimes the BW isn't out to blame the OW for everything (although I wouldn't be too happy with her, but I know where to place the real blame). And that alot of times the BW is going through the same drama you are. Where is he? What is he doing? Is he sleeping with her? He told me he'd call, is he with her? You know the drill. But I would ask that you not necessarily believe everything that MM tells you about the wife. We can't ALL be crazy, mean, sexless bitches, can we?

 

And hey, if anyone wants my used wedding ring I got a deal for you! I hear tin has a pretty good market value right now. Just kidding.