My boyfriend is 40 years younger than me. Is this wrong?

[CUP OF TEA]

4 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Again, age is a number.  There are 23 year old men who are mature beyond their years and 40-50-60-70 year old men with brains the size of a pea!  I have encountered a few!   Both the former and the latter.

Why all the judgment?

We are all here "temporarily," and might get hit by a bus tomorrow or be diagnosed with a fatal disease in our 20s/30s.  OR be happy and healthy well into our 60s-90s!

Not sure why folks insist on ignoring this FACT and projecting their own bias on the OP and other such pairings.

For the record, I think doing so is extremely judgmental and wrong.

 

 

Thank you for your reply! I'm trying to catch up! You are right, he is actually more mature than most men my age I have dated! I appreciate your support and am trying to catch up with posts

[CUP OF TEA]

4 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Is it wrong? Nope. 
 

You will be judged and you’re currently judging yourself as you don’t want to be seen in public with him. 
 

But mostly it’s only been three months. Chances are it’s not going to last. Not because of the age difference, just because most people aren’t compatible long term. None of your relationships have lasted so far. None of his either. This could be the exception, but more likely it’s not. From the sounds of it he might actually be too “stodgy” for you!

LOL too stodgy for me. That's so funny you say that! I am the one who was going out clubbing and he actually encouraged me to stop going out and would bring wine home and even some sort of disco-lighted speaker so we could have our own party. I don't think it's right to go out to clubs and leave him sitting at home alone (he won't go to clubs, never has). I am so over the party scene and all I ever wanted was someone to just be able to relax at home with. If he was a typical guy of that age there is no way we would have gotten along. I have a very young spirit in an old body and he has a very mature spirit in a young body!

[CUP OF TEA]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Fair enough, I understand that.

BUT the OP is not your daughter nor are other older women involved with younger men... so not quite understanding the judgment of them.

If they're happy, if their boyfriends are happy, why not live and let live?

Like all relationships, it might last a week, a month, a year, 20 years!  

No one knows how long a relationship will last.  That's true regardless of ages.

My philosophy on relationships is enjoy each other, love each other, be happy, for however long it lasts.

That said, I respect your opinion as always, I just don't agree with it, that's all.

 

 

 

We are of like-minds! I totally agree with your relationship philosophy. Him and I could be hit by a bus tomorrow or whatnot, why walk away from love, it is so rare and life is so fleeting

[CUP OF TEA]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

LOL, Go Grandma!  I bet she makes lovely cakes.

As for me, I've baked one cake in my life and I let the paper stay in between the layers when I put the sides together. Domestic goddess I am not. And I don't crochet either lol

[CUP OF TEA]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

https://www.insider.com/sarah-paulson-and-holland-taylors-relationship-timeline-2020-3

32 year age gap.

There are countless other such relationships.

Live and let live, it's no one else's business imho.

Thank you for the link! Going to read that! 

[CUP OF TEA]

46 minutes ago, endlesspossiblities said:

His mother did what? I would say that she is much more than toxic if she actually did that.  OP, if he makes you happy and vice versa GO FOR IT........stop trying to rationalize what others may or may not think.  You will exhaust yourself and in the end it will mean NOTHING......life is fleeting and meant to be enjoyed, embraced, and LIVED.

Thank you! Yes, it is SA and I told him that, he had no clue. I feel so bad for what he's been through having to deal with that.

[CUP OF TEA]

42 minutes ago, endlesspossiblities said:

Cup,

You seem amazing and I will venture to say that HE is having the time of his life.  Again, enjoy it for as long as it suits the BOTH of you.  That's the thing with "matters of the heart" there is no manual, no playbook, you just have to figure it out as you GO

Thank you! We both are having the time of our lives and it is working for us both so far and taking it one day at a time! 

[Gaeta]

18 minutes ago, CUP OF TEA said:

A person here in the forum seems to think he is a child with an undeveloped brain and that thought is just gross to me. He has worked since he was 16 years old,  lives on his own, drives.

You did not mention that in your original post. Context is important. He does not represent the norm, at least not in my country. My daughter moved out at 22, so did all my nieces and nephews, I live in a society where most kids stay home till after college. My opinion is not relevent then. About their brain not being fully developped until 25, it's not gross, it's science but these studies are done in western countries with western conditions. I have no clue what the brain of 23 years old from Timbuktu looks like, in 'their' environment. I am not saying your bf comes from Timbuktu, I am only saying context and environment is important. 

Edited October 18, 2021 by Gaeta

[CUP OF TEA]

26 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I'm not offended, I just didn't understand why you responded to virtually all the negative posts and skipped right over the positives of which there are many!

As far as my posts, I don't need validation, I say my piece, you are free to ignore.

It's not just you @CUP OF TEA, many people do the same thing.  They could receive 100 positive responses but will focus on that ONE negative one.

Human nature I suppose, I just don't understand it, that's all.

But it's quite common, I was hoping you might shed some light, it may be something you're not even aware of.

Seeking approval and validation re your choice and desire to date whomever you want, even someone 40 years younger like your current man.

Anyway, again, I truly do wish you both all the best. 

 

 

Hey Poppy! Thanks! I was replying one by one in order the posts I had received and that negative post was one of the newer one. . I'm new to this forum and hadn't gotten to yours or the many other supportive posts I had received. And I had NO IDEA this was quite common so thank you so much for that insight. Yours and others input has been so valuable to me I am copy/pasting into a Word document to read when I start feeling that "What do people think" kinds of thoughts. Thank you so very much! 

[CUP OF TEA]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

You did not mention that in your original post. Context is important. He does not represent the norm, at least not in my country. My daughter moved out at 22, so did all my nieces and nephews, I live in a society where most kids stay home till after college. My opinion is not relevent then. About their brain not being fully developped until 25, it's not gross, it's science but these studies are done in western countries with western conditions. I have no clue what the brain of 23 years old from Timbuktu looks like, in 'their' environment. I am not saying your bf comes from Timbuktu, I am only saying context and environment is important. 

I'm sorry, I should have given more of a background! Culture plays a big part that's true. And your opinion is relevant, everyone's is. Thank you for your input really.

[central]

If you're both happy and competent to make such choices, don't worry about anyone's opinion.  No doubt you are aware that if the ages were reversed, it would usually be called creepy or the younger person would be said to have daddy/mommy issues or some such.  In similar threads with older men, many women have called it gross, inappropriate, or even predatory.  IMO, if it works for the couple, that is really ALL that matters, despite what other people think or feel.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, CUP OF TEA said:

His mother is pretty toxic. She told him she was going out grocery shopping and had her neighbor come over to take his virginity when he was only 13 y.o. Now THAT is creepy. Maybe that's why he likes older women?

Indeed.  Rape or sexual assault of a minor can certainly skew their views of what is "normal".  Inappropriate sexual and relationship decisions following abuse are not an uncommon outcome.  You said that his mother supports your relationship, but I would say that having the support of someone who thinks it's OK to have their child raped means nothing.

I said earlier that I'd have concerns if this was my child.  Now, if I was a carer to this young adult who'd come from a background of sexual abuse and they decided to take up with someone so very much older, I'd be having stern words with the older person. 

 

[CUP OF TEA]

24 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Indeed.  Rape or sexual assault of a minor can certainly skew their views of what is "normal".  Inappropriate sexual and relationship decisions following abuse are not an uncommon outcome.  You said that his mother supports your relationship, but I would say that having the support of someone who thinks it's OK to have their child raped means nothing.

I said earlier that I'd have concerns if this was my child.  Now, if I was a carer to this young adult who'd come from a background of sexual abuse and they decided to take up with someone so very much older, I'd be having stern words with the older person. 

 

If a young adult needed a "carer" at 23 years old I would certainly not be in a relationship with them. He is capable of making his own decisions. He has only been in relationships with women his own age before me and he told me it was nothing but drama - jealous outbursts, baby daddy issues, him being expected to be a father figure to young children, etc. Nobody in real life has the right to "be having stern words" with me in this case. I don't mind opinions here because I asked for them and all responses are welcome.

It is your opinion that this is "sexually inappropriate" because of the age difference. He is not a child. I have not forced anything on to him believe me lol. He is a very intelligent person and has the right and capability to make his own decisions in life. 

Neither one of us cares  if his mother supports his decision or not. I am happy she does though. I wouldn't want to cause strife in his relationship with her as they speak on a daily basis. She had sex for the first time at 13 as well and was 14 when she had him so this is normal to her. My bf understands this is abuse now for her to have done that.  I'm sure his mother would disagree but It was wrong for her to do that to him, he was a CHILD then as was she when she had him. 

Edited October 19, 2021 by CUP OF TEA

[basil67]

Carer, mentor, older trusted friend...whatever you want to call it.  If I was in that position, I would be having stern words whether you liked it or not. 

Regarding inappropriate sexual/relationship decisions on his part, that he speaks to his mother -who organised his rape - on a daily basis only underscores the damage which has been done to this young man.  She should be in jail.

Likewise, that he sees all young women as "drama, jealous and with baby daddy issues" again underscores poor relationship decision making on his part. There are countless young women out there who are living highly functional lives, studying/starting for careers, wanting stable relationships...but for some reason he chooses the ones who are bad for him.

[stillafool]

21 minutes ago, CUP OF TEA said:

My bf understands this is abuse now for her to have done that. 

So he really was raped by his mother''s friend?  That is terrible.  Poor thing.

[CUP OF TEA]

16 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Carer, mentor, older trusted friend...whatever you want to call it.  If I was in that position, I would be having stern words whether you liked it or not. 

Regarding inappropriate sexual/relationship decisions on his part, that he speaks to his mother -who organised his rape - on a daily basis only underscores the damage which has been done to this young man.  She should be in jail.

Likewise, that he sees all young women as "drama, jealous and with baby daddy issues" again underscores poor relationship decision making on his part. There are countless young women out there who are living highly functional lives, studying/starting for careers, wanting stable relationships...but for some reason he chooses the ones who are bad for him.

You would be having stern words to me whether I liked it or not? Oh hell no. I would not stand there and listen. I am 63 years old and I am not doing anything wrong.  You would be asked to leave me alone or the police would be involved. And his rape was not on a daily basis. Once was enough. There is no rape going on now but I guess anyone who is raped now is not capable of making their own decisions when they are of legal age and need a "stern talking to" if they stray out of societal norms. I have had SA in the past as well and have had many relationships with men my own age. 

If you want to think his relationship choice is poor that is your opinion and you are welcome to it. I am good to him and make him happy. If he found another person that he thinks would make him happier he is free to go.  

Edited to add: He does have an older friend (50s) from his country who gives him advice and is a friend to him, as well as coworkers his own age.

 

Edited October 19, 2021 by CUP OF TEA
Clarification

[basil67]

1 minute ago, CUP OF TEA said:

 I am 63 years old and I am not doing anything wrong. 

And yet, here you are asking how others will see this relationship.  If you're so sure you're doing nothing wrong, why ask the question?

[CUP OF TEA]

Just now, stillafool said:

So he really was raped by his mother''s friend?  That is terrible.  Poor thing.

I absolutely agree. In the country he is from (I said France to protect our privacy but it is actually a South American poor country) that is a normal thing to have sex that young. His mother is very unstable and I am happy she does not live near us. 

[CUP OF TEA]

Just now, basil67 said:

And yet, here you are asking how others will see this relationship.  If you're so sure you're doing nothing wrong, why ask the question?

I was curious to know others opinion. After reading the responses and having time to reflect on it, I realize that I am indeed doing nothing wrong and am happy with my decision to be with him as long as we are making each other happy. Thank you for your response though.

[endlesspossiblities]

40 minutes ago, CUP OF TEA said:

I was curious to know others opinion. After reading the responses and having time to reflect on it, I realize that I am indeed doing nothing wrong and am happy with my decision to be with him as long as we are making each other happy. Thank you for your response though.

I completely agree with you COT..........enjoy the ride (in more ways than one)

[CUP OF TEA]

2 hours ago, central said:

If you're both happy and competent to make such choices, don't worry about anyone's opinion.  No doubt you are aware that if the ages were reversed, it would usually be called creepy or the younger person would be said to have daddy/mommy issues or some such.  In similar threads with older men, many women have called it gross, inappropriate, or even predatory.  IMO, if it works for the couple, that is really ALL that matters, despite what other people think or feel.

Thank you for your response and yes a lot of people would think those negative things and that's fine. It's only been three months and we take it day by day. He is free to go at any time if he is not happy anymore or decides he would like to have children.  It works for us I guess because we are a couple of odd ducks and "normal" is just not something we do well lol. Happiness can be a rare and fleeting thing and I have decided to not throw away something so special and loving because of any outside opinions that are judging us.