My boyfriend is 40 years younger than me. Is this wrong?

[glows]

This is only three months? It sounds like a fling. Come back and write if it's three years. I'd enjoy it for what it is at this point and let go of that guilt. Don't get so emotionally invested so early on either. Have fun. 

[ASG]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I was married at 20. A mother at 21. I had no clue ** what so ever ** what l was doing. To me marriage and babies were *romantic*.  Sure some couples did last, but you don't see behind doors. 

Then YOU had no clue. At 23 I knew what I was doing with my life and was working towards my goals. I haven't changed that much from then to now. 

[Weezy1973]

Is it wrong? Nope. 
 

You will be judged and you’re currently judging yourself as you don’t want to be seen in public with him. 
 

But mostly it’s only been three months. Chances are it’s not going to last. Not because of the age difference, just because most people aren’t compatible long term. None of your relationships have lasted so far. None of his either. This could be the exception, but more likely it’s not. From the sounds of it he might actually be too “stodgy” for you!

[poppyfields]

55 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

If your goal is temporary happiness then go ahead and enjoy yourself. 

It is not reductive. It is scientific & biologic, it's all over, look it up. The rational part of a teen's brain isn't fully developed and won't be until age 25 or so.

Again, age is a number.  There are 23 year old men who are mature beyond their years and 40-50-60-70 year old men with brains the size of a pea!  I have encountered a few!   Both the former and the latter.

Why all the judgment?

We are all here "temporarily," and might get hit by a bus tomorrow or be diagnosed with a fatal disease in our 20s/30s.  OR be happy and healthy well into our 60s-90s!

Not sure why folks insist on ignoring this FACT and projecting their own bias on the OP and other such pairings.

For the record, I think doing so is extremely judgmental and wrong.

 

 

Edited October 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

48 minutes ago, glows said:

This is only three months? It sounds like a fling. Come back and write if it's three years. I'd enjoy it for what it is at this point and let go of that guilt. Don't get so emotionally invested so early on either. Have fun. 

True for EVERY dating experience and relationship we enter into.  No matter what the ages.

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Sun Seeker said:

My grandma has a friend who is 90. She got married to someone a couple of years ago, who is 38. That's a 52 year gap..

She loves baking cakes and he loves eating cakes so they have a good relationship I think..

LOL, Go Grandma!  I bet she makes lovely cakes.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Why all the judgment?

I can't help but view this from the eyes of a mother. I'd want my young daughters to discover love with someone as unexperienced as them, not someone who's seen it all and who's 40 years older. 

[poppyfields]

27 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I can't help but view this from the eyes of a mother. I'd want my young daughters to discover love with someone as unexperienced as them, not someone who's seen it all and who's 40 years older. 

Fair enough, I understand that.

BUT the OP is not your daughter nor are other older women involved with younger men... so not quite understanding the judgment of them.

If they're happy, if their boyfriends are happy, why not live and let live?

Like all relationships, it might last a week, a month, a year, 20 years!  

No one knows how long a relationship will last.  That's true regardless of ages.

My philosophy on relationships is enjoy each other, love each other, be happy, for however long it lasts.

That said, I respect your opinion as always, I just don't agree with it, that's all.

 

 

 

Edited October 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[endlesspossiblities]

Being happy should be enough.  Enough for you, enough for everyone else.......at least it should be

[basil67]

This age difference was weird, creepy but also heartwarming in Harold and Maude.  Also two loners, they did find a connection.  In real life, I find it just weird and creepy.

As a mother to someone who's his age, I'd be having grave concerns if my child was in a relationship with this age gap.

Edited October 18, 2021 by basil67

[poppyfields]

https://www.insider.com/sarah-paulson-and-holland-taylors-relationship-timeline-2020-3

32 year age gap.

There are countless other such relationships.

Live and let live, it's no one else's business imho.

Edited October 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[endlesspossiblities]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

This age difference was weird, creepy but also heartwarming in Harold and Maude.  Also two loners, they did find a connection.  In real life, I find it just weird and creepy.

As a mother to someone who's his age, I'd be having grave concerns if my child was in a relationship with this age gap.

But in the end, would you support HIM if it was what he TRULY wanted?

[basil67]

8 minutes ago, endlesspossiblities said:

But in the end, would you support HIM if it was what he TRULY wanted?

While I know I would not be able to stop it, I wouldn't support it.   I guess 'resigned acceptance and fingers crossed that it will be over soon" would be my attitude.  Just the same as if they decided to quit their profession and go to live in a hippy commune.

[CUP OF TEA]

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

As long as you are both happy. Is he a permanent resident? Where is his family?

 

Yes, he is a citizen here. This is not a 90 day Fiancé type of deal lol. Of course, I asked the same thing. Money is not his motive either. Neither one of us has much, but he has considerably more than I do. 

He has a mom and two younger sisters who live in a different state thousands of miles away and he talks to her almost every day. His father is absent from his life and lives in France. 

[CUP OF TEA]

9 hours ago, clia said:

I'm going to give you the same answer I would give if the sexes were reversed.  Is it wrong?  No, you are both adults.  Is it creepy?  Yes.  Will you be judged?  Yes.  But you know this; hence why you are so insecure about the relationship.  If I were you, I would be suspicious about why this young, attractive guy wants to be with a woman who is old enough to be his grandmother.  Are you wealthy?  Does he have mental issues?  Is it a fetish for him?  Has he ever even dated a woman his own age?  Honestly, even the fact that his mother doesn't care makes me suspicious because most mothers would most certainly care if their 23 year old son announced he was dating a 63 year old woman -- it is a massive age gap (IMO, this is far different than the 20 year age difference between you and your husband).  It just makes me wonder if he is with you for other reasons (like money).      

No, he is not in this for the money. If you think this is "creepy" that is fine. I guess that's the kind of judgement I was afraid of but seeing as I really shouldn't care what strangers think I will try and not let judgements like that bother me. This is good practice and thank you for your honest opinion. 

His mother is pretty toxic. She told him she was going out grocery shopping and had her neighbor come over to take his virginity when he was only 13 y.o. Now THAT is creepy. Maybe that's why he likes older women?

He doesn't have mental issues other than some anxiety which I have as well. We are both fairly intelligent. 

[endlesspossiblities]

2 minutes ago, CUP OF TEA said:

No, he is not in this for the money. If you think this is "creepy" that is fine. I guess that's the kind of judgement I was afraid of but seeing as I really shouldn't care what strangers think I will try and not let judgements like that bother me. This is good practice and thank you for your honest opinion. 

His mother is pretty toxic. She told him she was going out grocery shopping and had her neighbor come over to take his virginity when he was only 13 y.o. Now THAT is creepy. Maybe that's why he likes older women?

He doesn't have mental issues other than some anxiety which I have as well. We are both fairly intelligent. 

His mother did what? I would say that she is much more than toxic if she actually did that.  OP, if he makes you happy and vice versa GO FOR IT........stop trying to rationalize what others may or may not think.  You will exhaust yourself and in the end it will mean NOTHING......life is fleeting and meant to be enjoyed, embraced, and LIVED.

[CUP OF TEA]

7 hours ago, Gaeta said:

 

Personally ( I just turned 56) I want to grow old with a man around my age. I want us to get our knee replacement together, I want our sex drive to decline at the same time, I want us to visit the pharmacy together, remind each other to take our pills and buy our depends diapers together. 

LOL you are funny! I absolutely agree with you. This age gap was not something I sought out. HE was the one doing the pursuing. I actually asked if he had friends my age he could set me up with but he was insistent so I gave him a chance. I really didn't think this was going to last this long tbh. Men my age all seem to be interested in younger women and actively seek them out. Or they are divorced and bitter and not interested in anything serious. I am thinking his interest in me will wane as time goes on and I deteriorate physically and I am prepared for that. It's not like I've got men my age knocking down my door. 

[ASG]

38 minutes ago, basil67 said:

While I know I would not be able to stop it, I wouldn't support it.   I guess 'resigned acceptance and fingers crossed that it will be over soon" would be my attitude.  Just the same as if they decided to quit their profession and go to live in a hippy commune.

What if it lasted a considerable amount of time?! Would you still not support your child's relationship if they were clearly happy, years down the line?! 

[CUP OF TEA]

7 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Hey enjoy it while it lasts. Madonna has a 27 year old bf and no one is really batting an eye to it. These days it's not a taboo thing anymore. No one really cares.

(I want to apologize for clogging up the forum with separate replies, I don't know how to do the multi-quote thing or if I am doing this right).

I am enjoying it "while it lasts" because I guess I have the "carpe diem" mentality. I know this will come to an end at some point, like most relationships do so I am preparing for that mentally.

[endlesspossiblities]

Just now, CUP OF TEA said:

(I want to apologize for clogging up the forum with separate replies, I don't know how to do the multi-quote thing or if I am doing this right).

I am enjoying it "while it lasts" because I guess I have the "carpe diem" mentality. I know this will come to an end at some point, like most relationships do so I am preparing for that mentally.

Cup,

You seem amazing and I will venture to say that HE is having the time of his life.  Again, enjoy it for as long as it suits the BOTH of you.  That's the thing with "matters of the heart" there is no manual, no playbook, you just have to figure it out as you GO

[CUP OF TEA]

14 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 

And yes, I think you would each be wise to work on meeting new friends. Having nobody but each other can create a whole host of issues that you won't want to deal with. Look at community groups, meet-up groups, volunteer organizations. There are probably plenty of like-minded individuals out there you could connect with. 

I was actually thinking of doing the meetup thing and believe it or not I am in college and resuming classes next spring so maybe I will meet friends there. I really am so shy it's hard for me to make connections. 

[CUP OF TEA]

7 hours ago, Gaeta said:

27 is adulthood.

23 you still ask your mom for money when going gets tough.

In his case, it's the other way around. His mother is always asking him for money. He's been self-supporting since he was 16. 

[CUP OF TEA]

7 hours ago, Sun Seeker said:

My grandma has a friend who is 90. She got married to someone a couple of years ago, who is 38. That's a 52 year gap..

She loves baking cakes and he loves eating cakes so they have a good relationship I think..

(I'll be back later to catch up with others replies, I don't want anyone to think I am ignoring them and I am appreciating everyone taking their time to answer this, I've never felt compelled to write in a forum before for help and thank you all)

I think that's funny! Win/win! I feel better knowing there is a bigger age gap out there than ours hahah. 

[CUP OF TEA]

Hi all, I am very sorry I am new at this and I am NOT ignoring anyone. I have had so many thoughtful non-judging replies and I was just answering in the order they are received. I guess I'll just give a general thoughts and more info to some of the replies now and take time later when I have more time to go more in-depth with my replies.

He's not after me for my money, status, green card. He loves me because we have fun together, make each other laugh, enjoy each other and I am very kind and supportive of him and he is the same with me.

A person here in the forum seems to think he is a child with an undeveloped brain and that thought is just gross to me. He has worked since he was 16 years old,  lives on his own, drives, and is fully aware of the problem I have with people judging which thanks to this forum I am starting to let go of.  I do appreciate the insight as I now know that women with grown adults of this age would not approve but since his mother does it's really not relevant. 

Everyone else - thanks so much for giving me encouragement and words of kindness. And to the person who mentioned Harold and Maude - that's funny. I love that movie though the end was tragic as she decided to..well I don't want to give out a spoiler! 

I have so many lovely thoughtful responses I am just reading them over and thinking.

We DO go out in public to stores and things like that. He does touch me occasionally when we are out together, such as an arm across my waist occasionally, so he is not embarrassed or care what people think. I think some people are just going to judge us negatively but neither one of us is going to end this because of what strangers think I was just curious on people's thoughts. Of course some people will think it's "creepy" or "wrong" or "weird" but guess what - they are not living our lives. It's stupid to break up with him because of some close-minded people. 

Thank you so much for your replies and I am sorry my responses are not in a timely manner and I appreciate the support and opinions on all of you - even the ones that think my relationship is wrong on some level. 

 

 

[CUP OF TEA]

4 hours ago, glows said:

This is only three months? It sounds like a fling. Come back and write if it's three years. I'd enjoy it for what it is at this point and let go of that guilt. Don't get so emotionally invested so early on either. Have fun. 

I will keep everyone updated as this is an unusual situation. We both have our eyes open and like any relationship it could end at any time. Today we are happy. Nothing in life is guaranteed.