My boyfriend is 40 years younger than me. Is this wrong?

[CUP OF TEA]

I am 63 and my boyfriend of three months is 23. It started out as a friendship. I always had an interest in learning French and he offered to help me. He pursued me relentlessly in a romantic way and I gave in and we fell in love. He has no interest in having children and has told me that girls his age are too much drama and too complicated with baby daddy's and whatnot. I am too embarrassed to have any selfies taken of ourselves together or to be anywhere on his Facebook profile. We rarely go out and spend most of the time hanging out, having sex, watching movies, cuddling, and just enjoying each other's company. He has no issue with being seen with me in public or going to his workplace to visit but I am mortified at how people would make fun of him most likely because he is very attractive and I am not. 

I am so insecure because of my age and declining rapidly appearance. I warned him  how at this age the aging process is very rapid and though I don't have many wrinkles yet I will soon. He is adamant that he wants and desires me and it's apparent he does in and out of the bedroom. He treats me like a queen. None of my family know his true age as I've lied and told them he's 33 which he could easily pass for. He has told his mother about me and she is very accepting and told him as long as I make him happy she is fine with it. 

Neither one of us fits societal norms. He has no interest in clubbing, likes 80'd music (like me) and is socially awkward. I am also an introvert who feels like a teenager inside and has led an unconventional life. My ex-husband was 20 years younger than me. Neither one of us have any friends. We just have each other. 

There is nobody I can talk to about this as I don't want to be judged. Is this creepy? Is this wrong? I feel so guilty and predator-like even sometimes because of the huge age gap. Help. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think it's wrong, from any ethical standpoint. You are both consenting adults. 

I don't know how realistic a prospect it will be for a long-term relationship, though. You are clearly very uncomfortable with it to the point of wanting to keep the truth a secret. That won't fly with him forever. You are - at some point - going to have to ask yourself if this is really a match for you, given how anxious you are about the entire situation. 

I would also question the viability of a relationship between people who have no friends at all, other than each other. Why is that? That would concern me regardless of the age of the couple. It generally isn't very healthy to have zero social outlet beyond your partner, so I would try to work on that in any case. 

[CUP OF TEA]

Thank you for your reply!

You're right we really do need to make some friends. I do have a friend but all she wants to do is go out partying and as my bf does not like to go out to clubs and I don't feel right going without him my friendship with her has sort of fizzled out. I have tried getting her to do something other than partying but she is on a man-hunt and wants to keep me around as her wing-woman I guess. He has a lot of acquaintances from work but no real friends. He really is very introverted as am I.  It's hard for both of us to make friends being so shy but you are right it's not healthy to just have each other. I do have some family (who have not met him yet) but he has no family here. 

I guess my whole thing is my anxiety about being JUDGED which is pretty stupid I guess. You are right, we are both consenting adults and I need to keep telling myself that over and over. We are hurting nobody and only look to enrich each other's lives and give ourselves some happiness. I really shouldn't care about what people think.  

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, CUP OF TEA said:

Thank you for your reply!

You're right we really do need to make some friends. I do have a friend but all she wants to do is go out partying and as my bf does not like to go out to clubs and I don't feel right going without him my friendship with her has sort of fizzled out. I have tried getting her to do something other than partying but she is on a man-hunt and wants to keep me around as her wing-woman I guess. He has a lot of acquaintances from work but no real friends. He really is very introverted as am I.  It's hard for both of us to make friends being so shy but you are right it's not healthy to just have each other. I do have some family (who have not met him yet) but he has no family here. 

I guess my whole thing is my anxiety about being JUDGED which is pretty stupid I guess. You are right, we are both consenting adults and I need to keep telling myself that over and over. We are hurting nobody and only look to enrich each other's lives and give ourselves some happiness. I really shouldn't care about what people think.  

 

32 minutes ago, CUP OF TEA said:

. I always had an interest in learning French and he offered to help me.  We rarely go out and spend most of the time hanging out, having sex, watching movies, cuddling, and just enjoying each other's company.

As long as you are both happy. Is he a permanent resident? Where is his family?

 

[ExpatInItaly]

11 minutes ago, CUP OF TEA said:

I guess my whole thing is my anxiety about being JUDGED which is pretty stupid I guess. You are right, we are both consenting adults and I need to keep telling myself that over and over. We are hurting nobody and only look to enrich each other's lives and give ourselves some happiness. I really shouldn't care about what people think.  

People are going to judge, OP. It's an unusual and substantial age-gap and some people will talk, however wrong or unfair their notions may be. It's just the way society is. 

But people judge us all the time for any number of things: our jobs, our hair styles, our choice of friends, our shoes, our weight, the list goes on. They generally don't voice these things out loud, but everyone has their opinions. The point is how much value we assign to those opinions and whether we even pay any attention to them. So the question is how good you are at tuning out the noise around you, and maintaining your own position that serves your best interests. 

And yes, I think you would each be wise to work on meeting new friends. Having nobody but each other can create a whole host of issues that you won't want to deal with. Look at community groups, meet-up groups, volunteer organizations. There are probably plenty of like-minded individuals out there you could connect with. 

[chillii]

[ ] 

l'm male but personally l wouldn't like to be living with all the things you'll be feeling with an age gap that big if l was you. The friends thing well , a lot of couples prefer to keep to themselves not everyone has to have 100 people around 24 7 so what, but some of the reasons you don't want it are another thing again, like the rest of those things your feeling weird all over about.

My opinion , you know your really really uncomfortable about all of it by the sounds of things.

 

 

Edited October 18, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[clia]

I'm going to give you the same answer I would give if the sexes were reversed.  Is it wrong?  No, you are both adults.  Is it creepy?  Yes.  Will you be judged?  Yes.  But you know this; hence why you are so insecure about the relationship.  If I were you, I would be suspicious about why this young, attractive guy wants to be with a woman who is old enough to be his grandmother.  Are you wealthy?  Does he have mental issues?  Is it a fetish for him?  Has he ever even dated a woman his own age?  Honestly, even the fact that his mother doesn't care makes me suspicious because most mothers would most certainly care if their 23 year old son announced he was dating a 63 year old woman -- it is a massive age gap (IMO, this is far different than the 20 year age difference between you and your husband).  It just makes me wonder if he is with you for other reasons (like money).      

[Gaeta]

You may have a few good years but is he ready to take the long road with you? and does he know what it means? You know the frontal part of the brain isn't done developing until age 25? This 'kid' does not even have the ability to imagine himself in a future with you, his brain doesn't have that part developed yet.

My aunt is 78 years old, her life companion is 50 years old. Their age difference is 27-28 years so for your case make the calculation of how old your guy will be when you hit dementia age. My aunt can no longer drive alone, she gets lost. She forgets to turn off the stove burners, forget foods in the oven, about a week ago her eldest son visited her and took her 5 minutes to recognize him. Her companion takes care of everything in the house, drives her around, cooks, clean, makes sure she takes her pills, etc. Soon she'll lose her driving license, a little more of her memory, incontinence will kick in, she's probably no longer sexually active. So ask yourself how old will be your man when you hit that age? 

Personally ( I just turned 56) I want to grow old with a man around my age. I want us to get our knee replacement together, I want our sex drive to decline at the same time, I want us to visit the pharmacy together, remind each other to take our pills and buy our depends diapers together. 

[smackie9]

Hey enjoy it while it lasts. Madonna has a 27 year old bf and no one is really batting an eye to it. These days it's not a taboo thing anymore. No one really cares.

[Gaeta]

20 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Hey enjoy it while it lasts. Madonna has a 27 year old bf and no one is really batting an eye to it. These days it's not a taboo thing anymore. No one really cares.

27 is adulthood.

23 you still ask your mom for money when going gets tough.

[Sun Seeker]

My grandma has a friend who is 90. She got married to someone a couple of years ago, who is 38. That's a 52 year gap..

She loves baking cakes and he loves eating cakes so they have a good relationship I think..

[Alpacalia]

I agree that you may find yourself with substantial knowledge gaps.

The good news is that differences can be opportunities for growth.

7 hours ago, CUP OF TEA said:

I guess my whole thing is my anxiety about being JUDGED which is pretty stupid I guess.

You have no influence over what people perceive.

Instead, try to visualize a successful outcome.

If you imagine someone passing negative judgment on you, flip it.

Consider all of the wonderful aspects of yourself and what you have to offer.

 

Edited October 18, 2021 by Alpaca

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

The good news is that differences can be opportunities for growth.

If you had a son or daughter of 23....you'd see it as an opportunity for growth?

[ASG]

40 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

27 is adulthood.

23 you still ask your mom for money when going gets tough.

23 is also adulthood. And there's no age limit to ask the Bank of Mom and Dad for money. My 47yo stepsister is 100% supported by her elderly parents. She doesn't live with either of them, but they pay her rent, bills, and give her money every month! 

And dementia is not brought on by age. Not every 78 year old is demented. Some 90+ year olds are still as sharp as ever!

As for the relationship, it's only wrong because you feel it's wrong. You being so uncomfortable with it is what's gonna kill it. Is it even worth continuing, when you feel SOOO bad about it?!

[Alpacalia]

20 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

If you had a son or daughter of 23....you'd see it as an opportunity for growth?

I'm not a parent, so I can't really answer that.

If I were, perhaps I'd be a little wiser.

But I think age and life experience differences can sometimes provide an opportunity to look at things from a different viewpoint on a range of topics. What would be my question to the OP? What are some of the things they do share in common?

People bring diverse perspectives to a relationship, but I agree you should be able to relate to your younger partner.

Not having outside friends for example is not healthy and can become very unhealthy pretty quickly.

[poppyfields]

Many years ago, I read a thread on either this forum  or it may have been another created by a young man  (20ish) married to a woman in her 60s.

The thread went several pages with posts from young men in relationships or married to MUCH older women, with pictures posted even. 

These men were extremely happy, in love and proud!  

They had dated younger but this particular women, well she just had that "something" that they found irresistible and said they wouldn't trade what they felt or what they had together for all the money in the world!!

It was obvious how committed and devoted they were. 

I've said this before but age is literally just a number and who gives a rat's rear end what "society" thinks. 

A person could die tomorrow in an accident or fatal disease or they could live a happy healthy life into 60s, 70s, 80s or as SunSeeker's grandma, into her 90s!

I say enjoy!  Embrace each other, feel proud!  You found something special in each other, that's more than some people ever find. 

We only have one life, live it to the fullest for as long as you're blessed to be on this great Earth..

Re appearance if you are concerned, there are anti-aging facials and other daily maintenance procedures that can keep you young looking and vibrant. . 

Exercise will keep you fit, and eating healthy is also extremely beneficial to maintaining a youthful appearance and attitude.

 

 

 

Edited October 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

To add (too late to edit).

Worthy of note, these women had an average income, did not have 'money' to speak of, so it wasn't that which is the natural assumption society likes to attach to situations like this. 

Be happy!  Embrace what you have together for as long as it lasts. 

 

 

Edited October 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[Katkats7777]

I see nothing wrong with it. [ ]  I'm almost 40 and was seeing this 20 year old frat guy. [ ] 

Edited October 18, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[Gaeta]

If your goal is temporary happiness then go ahead and enjoy yourself. 

It's not the age difference that bothers me, it's how young he is.  He would be 27 and you 67 l would not care. At 27 he would know what he's getting into, not at 23. 

Edited October 18, 2021 by Gaeta

[ASG]

33 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

If your goal is temporary happiness then go ahead and enjoy yourself. 

It's not the age difference that bothers me, it's how young he is.  He would be 27 and you 67 l would not care. At 27 he would know what he's getting into, not at 23. 

That's so reductive. 

23 year olds are fully grown adults. Many are married and have kids by that age! 

I'm nearly 40 and have several friends who married their highschool sweethearts. They were like 16 when they started dating and over 20 years later are still together. 

People get into all sorts of relationships in their teens and early 20s. Some last, some don't, but age has nothing to do with it and people should not be dismissed just because of their age. 

[Calmandfocused]

I agree with others. If you’re happy and he’s happy, who gives a rats behind what other people think? Nothing to do with them. 
 

However, I’m going to give you a word of caution that you may be blind to; 

Keep aware of any ulterior motives he may have. For example Is he solvent, fully independent, working full time? Does he have his own home/ car/ money ? 
 

I presume you have all these things so please make sure he doesn’t take advantage of you. 
 

He may not be … but just be careful. 

[mark clemson]

It probably is a fetish for this young man, but that's not really an issue IMO so long as he really likes you along with it. Couples SHOULD fulfill each others' fetishes to a reasonable extent - it's part of what makes intimacy and the overall relationship enjoyable.

Certainly there will be people who find it odd and (in some cases) become judgemental, but really there's TONS of that out there. Think of the "no sex before marriage" and "women shouldn't wear bikinis" types. Disregard it and be glad you live in a society where other folks have a limited ability to enforce their "morality" on you WRT consensual relationships.

I think the issue of what will happen going forward as you deal with time's passage is a real one, so you'll need to think what makes sense as far as that's concerned.

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, ASG said:

That's so reductive. 

23 year olds are fully grown adults. Many are married and have kids by that age! 

It is not reductive. It is scientific & biologic, it's all over, look it up. The rational part of a teen's brain isn't fully developed and won't be until age 25 or so.

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, ASG said:

I'm nearly 40 and have several friends who married their highschool sweethearts. They were like 16 when they started dating and over 20 years later are still together. 

I was married at 20. A mother at 21. I had no clue ** what so ever ** what l was doing. To me marriage and babies were *romantic*.  Sure some couples did last, but you don't see behind doors. 

[ASG]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

It is not reductive. It is scientific & biologic, it's all over, look it up. The rational part of a teen's brain isn't fully developed and won't be until age 25 or so.

And that would make sense and be valid if we were talking about a 15 years old. But a 23 years old is very nearly 25. And in biology nothing is set in stone, in terms of age. It's not like once you hit 25 something changes in you. That is just a broad age range. For some people it will happen sooner, for others, later. 

A little bit like sexual maturity (in terms of puberty). Some people go through it at 8, others at 17, averaging at around 12/13, but eveything in between is valid. 

So you saying that a 23 yo is basically inept IS reductive.