shopaholic99 Posted October 18, 2021 Posted October 18, 2021 My ex and I broke up in April after 3 years and went no contact pretty much until now. He has contacted my friends just to say hello on a few occasions which I thought was strange. We are in our 30s. I sent an email several months ago and he just replied back to me about 3 weeks ago. He ended his email saying he wants to be friendly and hopes I will update him about our dog. In my response back mostly wishing him well and clarifying a few things, I asked if he was open to potentially reconciling in the future as we have both worked on ourselves and asked if he saw a future for us. I did emphasize if he wanted to just end things and didn’t see a future, to please be honest and let me know and I would accept it. He replied back saying he “needs time to process what I said and gather his thoughts.” It’s now been almost three weeks and no follow up. Wouldnt he just end it and be direct if he wanted to? Why does he need MORE time. It’s been 6/7 months, you should know by now.
Sun Seeker Posted October 18, 2021 Posted October 18, 2021 Why does it matter? He's an ex for a reason. If it was meant to be you would have never broken up. Never get back with an ex. Look forward not backwards.
Author shopaholic99 Posted October 18, 2021 Author Posted October 18, 2021 (edited) I wish it was that black and white for me. I acknowledge the mistakes I made and so did he - if we can be better people, why not? But I know deep down you are probably right. Just really sucks. I’m heart broken and wish he would just be direct so I can move on.@Sun Seeker Edited October 18, 2021 by shopaholic99
Sun Seeker Posted October 18, 2021 Posted October 18, 2021 No reason you can't take control of your own life. You don't need to wait for him to be direct in order to move on. You can and should do that yourself. Stop wasting time on someone that you have broken up with, and that needs to 'process and gather thoughts' 6 months later. Which is complete BS. Fact is he does not have the guts to say it's over for good. Instead focus on the future and find someone that actually wants to be with you, does not break up with you, and does not need time to think about it. 2 1
Mrin Posted October 18, 2021 Posted October 18, 2021 Who is the dumper and the dumpee? Yes, it matters.
Author shopaholic99 Posted October 18, 2021 Author Posted October 18, 2021 I am the dumpee. @MrinHis email reply to me basically had some apologies here and there, that he’s working on himself, and he has been in pain. To me - saying I hope we can be amicable and that he hopes I would keep in touch about our dog slightly leaves the door open. My reply wished him well, clarified a few things (he was upset I blocked him everywhere) but I clarified it was Bc it’s hard to see him. and then I said we’ve both been working on ourselves…I believe people can be better versions…are you open to reconciling in the future after some time has passed..and told him I will accept if he wants to rip the bandaid. Unfortunately, I am waiting for a response now(as of now).
Mrin Posted October 18, 2021 Posted October 18, 2021 Ok thank you. So the dynamic is that the dumper needs to be the one to ask for reconciliation, not the dumpee. Further, the dumper needs to be very clear and steadfast in doing so. As he broke up with you, this dynamic isn't at play here. He's most likely trying not to hurt your feelings more. Or he could be mixed up about it. Or someone else might be in the picture... At any rate, he isn't interested in reconciliation right now. So I would just move on. Only when he comes in hot should you consider reconciliation a possibility. Not before. I'm sorry I don't have better news. Personal story as an aside: I had an ex who tried reconciling with me twice. The first time she came in hot. Broke it off with a guy she was starting to date, then proclaimed her love for me and asked me to reconcile. We did - and almost got married. The second time was weak IMHO. She asked if I would consider giving her another shot. All it did was give me a panic attack. 2
Author shopaholic99 Posted October 18, 2021 Author Posted October 18, 2021 @Mrintjanks for sharing your story. Was she the dumper? Honestly, my intuition says he’s lost and not ready to let go. My birthday is coming up - I hope his response or lack of will give me clarity. I wish he can just be direct and say it’s over. I’ve considered maybe he doesn’t want to hurt me, but he’s a very blunt person.
Mrin Posted October 18, 2021 Posted October 18, 2021 10 minutes ago, shopaholic99 said: @Mrintjanks for sharing your story. Was she the dumper? Honestly, my intuition says he’s lost and not ready to let go. My birthday is coming up - I hope his response or lack of will give me clarity. I wish he can just be direct and say it’s over. I’ve considered maybe he doesn’t want to hurt me, but he’s a very blunt person. Yeah, she was.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 18, 2021 Posted October 18, 2021 He evidently doesn't have heart to come right out and say no, he's not interested in a future together anymore. But it's a no. I would leave him in your past.
Wiseman2 Posted October 18, 2021 Posted October 18, 2021 6 hours ago, shopaholic99 said: - if we can be better people, why not? wish he would just be direct so I can move on.@Sun Seeker Be better people apart. You can and should move on. He is being direct in that he's not reaching out or interested in reconciling. Break-ups hurt but it will hurt more if you keep dragging this out. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Start living your own life again. Join some groups clubs sports volunteer get a side hustle and keep busy. In the meantime get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men for a low-key coffee.
Lotsgoingon Posted October 18, 2021 Posted October 18, 2021 No answer is an answer. Any answer other than a loud "YES!" is a no. Ignoring someone's message is a way to say you are not interested. He's not interested.
stillafool Posted October 19, 2021 Posted October 19, 2021 23 hours ago, shopaholic99 said: Wouldnt he just end it and be direct if he wanted to? Why does he need MORE time. It’s been 6/7 months, you should know by now. He knows. He just doesn't want to hurt you and is hoping that his silence speaks for him. 1
Author shopaholic99 Posted October 20, 2021 Author Posted October 20, 2021 He said “I’m not ignoring you, I am trying to process what you said and gather my thoughts.” I kept assuring him to tell me how he feels even if it’s not what I want to hear. He usually never ignores me. But you guys are right, it’s not a hell yes.
Nothanks Posted October 20, 2021 Posted October 20, 2021 “Im not ignoring you” and then he ignores you. Yes it would be nice if he was honest and direct. He may not want to hurt you or he may be conflict avoidant and is hoping you let it go so he can still talk to you from time to time. He may also be worried you tell mutual friends and he looks like a jerk. Who knows what his reason is? All you need to know is he did not say “yes”. Anything but a “yes” is a “no”. 2 1
Author shopaholic99 Posted October 27, 2021 Author Posted October 27, 2021 Hi all, he answered Sunday night. Basically told me we won’t ever be together again and shut the door. The message was pretty cold. I’m so sad, but maybe I can let go now. This hurts.
Sun Seeker Posted October 27, 2021 Posted October 27, 2021 53 minutes ago, shopaholic99 said: Hi all, he answered Sunday night. Basically told me we won’t ever be together again and shut the door. The message was pretty cold. I’m so sad, but maybe I can let go now. This hurts. It hurts but you will get over it with time. We have all been there. Learn from this experience. Leave exes in the past.
stillafool Posted October 27, 2021 Posted October 27, 2021 I'm sorry it didn't turn out the way you wanted but his being honest with you was the best thing that could have happened and now you can heal and move forward. Good luck to you.
Wiseman2 Posted October 27, 2021 Posted October 27, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, shopaholic99 said: won’t ever be together again and shut the door. Excellent! Closure once and for all. Now you can finally delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps and move forward in peace. Edited October 27, 2021 by Wiseman2
Author shopaholic99 Posted November 1, 2021 Author Posted November 1, 2021 Is it wwird he wished me happy bday?
Wiseman2 Posted November 1, 2021 Posted November 1, 2021 2 hours ago, shopaholic99 said: Is it wwird he wished me happy bday? Do you have hope that it means he wants to reconcile?
elaine567 Posted November 1, 2021 Posted November 1, 2021 4 hours ago, shopaholic99 said: Is it wwird he wished me happy bday? Not really, now he has clarified things with you, in that you are never getting back together, he is now able to be friendly. He no doubt wants to keep in touch because of the dog. What really does working on yourselves actually mean? Zilch usually. When someone is done enough to break up with you, they are usually done, best to move on and never look back. You just wasted 6 months hoping...
Author shopaholic99 Posted November 1, 2021 Author Posted November 1, 2021 Thank you. I needed to read that. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted November 1, 2021 Posted November 1, 2021 6 hours ago, shopaholic99 said: Is it wwird he wished me happy bday? Not really, no. He's being kind and he still cares about you. But it's not a sign he wants to reconcile.
Mrin Posted November 1, 2021 Posted November 1, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, shopaholic99 said: Thank you. I needed to read that. Yeah. Speaking for personal experience, once the door has been firmly shut (either by me or by her) I switch into friends mode. I'm a great ex-bf turned friend. Seeing your reaction to his happy birthday wishes, I can see it can be pretty confusing. My suggestion is that if you can't handle friends mode emotionally, just tell him you want space and if you ever feel comfortable opening the door to friendship again, you'll let him know. But not to break NC until then. Edited November 1, 2021 by Mrin
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