Am I being taken for granted?

[Anonlover]

Hello! My bf(21,M) and I(21,F) have been together for a good 10months. For the past few months, I have been travelling to his house because his either busy with school or is tired from work. (Takes around 1h10min++ to travel to his house) The thing is, even when I am schooling, I made the effort to bring my laptop over and attend my lessons at his house. When he is tired from work, he would request for a massage and I would be happy to do so. Recently I feel like im not getting any favours in return... I helped him with his assignments and I will be doing the dishes at least 95% of the time because he says that his too tired from work. He also ask me to buy him lunch/dinner because his either tired from work if not he has classes to attend. Whenever he ask me for a favour, It just feel really shitty and I just don't feel appreciated at all. When I ask if its possible if he could travel to my house more, he always says that his too tired for work if not he has school and his laptop is too heavy to bring over. The only time he bought me food when I was having cramps and was too tired to move. When I give him massages, he would complain and say that it's not long enough or i'm not massaging him properly. When I ask him why I do not get a massage in return, he says that it's because I said that he massages too hard... Also it has been awhile since we went on a date. My bf initially planned a mini date but it got cancelled because he was late and we had no time to go on a date because I have a meeting in the afternoon. I told him before that I don't expect a lavish/expensive date, as long as we go out together and explore Im ok with it. But my bf always says that we either have to save money, if not his too tired from work to even bother going on a date. I do know working and studying is hard and I really do want to support him no matter what but it just feels like im getting nothing in return..... sorry for the gramatical mistakes :^) Im typing this before I sleep and I feel a bit drained out and tired...

[Distraught1]

Yes, you are being taken for granted. Find a better boyfriend. He should prioritize you just as much as you prioritize him. People treat you as you allow them to. If he is not treating you equally, find someone new or communicate and let him know that if he isn't willing to be an active participant if your relationship that you will no longer be in this relationship. 

You are not married...find the right person now...DON'T SETTLE!

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Anonlover said:

 My bf(21,M) and I(21,F) have been together for a good 10months.

Sorry this is happen but you're the one who needs to stop doing this.

Being his maid and servant at his beck and call will result in a complete loss of respect for you. Stop.

You are wasting your time. Stay at your own home and study, work, help your friends and family, join some groups, clubs, sports, etc.

You need to invest in yourself, not a lazy bum. Self respect is necessary to conduct a relationship.

 You can't make someone love you by being a doormat.

Edited October 15, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Nothanks]

You clearly resent the inequity in your relationship.  It won’t get better. You are 21 with a whole life ahead of you. Find someone who cherishes you as you cherish him. Use this as a learning experience in what you don’t want in a relationship.

[Maldives]

Yep taking you forgranted. And when you do leave hes gonna get a big wake up call 

[Gaeta]

He's lazy and full of excuses, he's tired?? He's 21 for goodness sake! 

Stay at your place, concentrate on giving yourself an education and let him travel to you on weekend. But, personally l'd drop him. I cannot stand laziness. You can't build a life with someone that is lasy and opportunistic.

Edited October 16, 2021 by Gaeta

[glows]

You've vocalized enough so now put your words into action. Invite him over for the weekend and decline going over to his place for example if he turns it around and invites you again. Keep the weekend getaways short and make time for your friends too. Tell him in advance that you have other plans so that he can rest. If he's not willing to go out with you, go out with friends. He doesn't have to go out if he's tired all the time and he can stay at home. He'll miss you eventually and realize that you're not spending as much time together. Or, you both go your separate ways. Both of you are in a rut doing the same thing over and over so change that. Go and enjoy your life.

If he continues to dismiss you and isn't interested in your needs, is losing him of any real loss to you? 

[ShyViolet]

This sounds more like you are an old couple that has been married for 20 years and the spark has gone out.  This is not how it should be when you are 21 years old for goodness sake.  This is absolutely ridiculous.  He sounds lazy as hell.  Either that or he's just not that into you.  You need to stop doing all that stuff for him, stop serving him, doing his dishes and bringing him food.  Better yet, just end this relationship.  You're too young to be in a joyless, mundane relationship with a guy who does nothing whatsoever for you and puts no effort into this relationship. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Why are you doing his dishes all the time? He's a grown-ass man, let him do them. As you can see, it doesn't make him love you more. 

At just 10 months, the wheels have already come off. He's isn't someone who is going to make an effort and meet you halfway. What you see is what you get, and it's not very satisfying or fulfilling for you. I would personally see myself out and find a man who was "too tired" to have a girlfriend. 

[dramafreezone]

Seems like it (of course assuming you're not leaving anything out).

You're volunteering to do all of this stuff though.  There's being helpful and there's being a doormat.  You have to take some ownership here or the next guy is just going to take advantage too.  We only value what we have to earn so you doing all of this stuff for him and his reward to you is what, sex, or just being with him?  You have to respect yourself more.

Why not try seeing each other a bit less and see if anything changes?  You be "tired" or "busy" for a change.

Edited October 16, 2021 by dramafreezone

[mark clemson]

At 21, while certainly not guaranteed, it's reasonable to think you'll eventually break up and have other BFs.

In order to make a true LTR work there generally need to be both communication and compromises. If there is communication, but only one of you is making all the compromises, then it's one-sided and (as you are seeing) one partner will become unhappy and the relationship is likely to end. For many if not most couples, it's best that both partner's needs be met to a reasonable extent. (Exactly what that means will vary by couple.)

Keep in mind that humans (biologically) are serial monogamists, and so even many people who stay in lifetime LTRs have had prior partners and there tend to be rough patches, etc over the years.

Overall, in your case it does sound like (once you communicate your needs clearly), you are doing quite a bit and he needs to start making compromises to begin to better meet your needs in the relationship.

[smackie9]

Stop going over there being his maid service. Stay home and mind your own. See how quickly he doesn't want to see you anymore. You are being used girl.

[stillafool]

 Buy this guy some vitamins and then drop him.  I bet he isn't too tired for sex.

[Alvi]

You are only 21 year old. Do you really want to settle for this particular one? Just so you know, there are guys out there who can and will treat you better. Whatever you do, don't have kids with him. You don't want to be stuck with him for the rest of your life.

[ASG]

Real talk, no one is too tired from work to get food. Particularly in this day and age of food delivery apps. 

There is a definite imbalance in this relationship and I doubt it will improve. 

Get out sooner, rather than later