The Dreaded Shirtless Selfie

[smackie9]

If he was 20 sure I can see it, but at 36? he needs to grow up. You can take a good guess at what type of women he's dated/ is dating. You want to be treated like a lady right? Your gut is telling you right, this guy is an idiot. This doesn't feel right because it's not. You need a man with his head screwed on straight.

[Dis]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

If he was 20 sure I can see it, but at 36? he needs to grow up. You can take a good guess at what type of women he's dated/ is dating. You want to be treated like a lady right? Your gut is telling you right, this guy is an idiot. This doesn't feel right because it's not. You need a man with his head screwed on straight.

Yes the things he says and does scream immaturity 

 

My gut has said no to every guy I've been out with. It's amazing how strong my intuition is now and I've learned to really hone in and listen to it. 

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, Dis said:

Even a man's man can have some kind of awareness of how a woman thinks 

They could, but many simply don't. Hence the prevalence of dick pics and other pics that many women simply have little interest in seeing.

Below are some generalizations from A Billion Wicked Thoughts. My point in mentioning them is that men expect women to find, e.g. these pics interesting/arousing because they would find similar ones sent by the woman arousing. But, while no doubt there are exceptions, it usually simply doesn't work that way.

Quote

The male sexual brain resembles a reckless hunter, while the female sexual brain resembles a cautious detective agency. Men form their sexual interests during adolescence and rarely change. Women's sexual interests are plastic and change frequently. The male sexual brain is an "or gate": A single stimulus can arouse it. The female sexual brain is an "and gate": It requires many simultaneous stimuli to arouse it.

Seems like Mr. chest pic failed the test of your "detective agency" by acting "crass". Something like that. Happens all the time. C'est la vie...

Edited October 13, 2021 by mark clemson

[Daisydooks]

2 hours ago, Dis said:

I'm actually right with you there RE: flaunting what you have. That wasn't the issue. 

 

It was the immaturity surrounding the whole pic exchange and the previous little hints of immaturity. For example, the other night he was going on and on about all the bones he broke in his hockey career...ehhhh. Ontop of that he doesn't ask to much about me which is a total killer for me. 

 

And was I attracted? No. I like some meat on my men. He was too skinny. Was kinda gross actually. 

I know ZERO women who want to talk about broken bones especially ad nauseum. Hahaha I cackled at this. Maybe the 22 year olds he has been dating find it cool?  Did he expect you to say "oh wow! Thats so cool! I cant wait to hear about more of your broken bones from 15 years ago!!!! I CANT think of a better, less boring way to spend my night!!!!" 

Im with you.  I am not at all into 6 packs and skinny dudes. I like big ol' bears! Hahahaha I like big men with a little chub on em! 

[Dis]

17 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

I know ZERO women who want to talk about broken bones especially ad nauseum. Hahaha I cackled at this. Maybe the 22 year olds he has been dating find it cool?  Did he expect you to say "oh wow! Thats so cool! I cant wait to hear about more of your broken bones from 15 years ago!!!! I CANT think of a better, less boring way to spend my night!!!!" 

Im with you.  I am not at all into 6 packs and skinny dudes. I like big ol' bears! Hahahaha I like big men with a little chub on em! 

Ahaha! Yessss! Love them bears!

 

I know right?! Like, dude I'm not 14, I have no interest in how you broke your nose twice while playing hockey when you were 19. That's what I mean about the lack of awareness. He obvi has no idea how an adult woman's mind works. He seems perpetually stuck in adolescence and has no idea how to effectively 'court' a grown woman. He seems egotistical too talking too much about himself, bragging about past injuries...lmao wtf? I was cringing. Embarrassed for him lol . Any guy worth his weight knows you ask the woman questions, you engage. Any man that does all the talking/bragging isn't going to get anywhere unless it's with a low quality woman. 

Edited October 13, 2021 by Dis

[Dis]

16 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

They could, but many simply don't. Hence the prevalence of dick pics and other pics that many women simply have little interest in seeing.

Below are some generalizations from A Billion Wicked Thoughts. My point in mentioning them is that men expect women to find, e.g. these pics interesting/arousing because they would find similar ones sent by the woman arousing. But, while no doubt there are exceptions, it usually simply doesn't work that way.

Seems like Mr. chest pic failed the test of your "detective agency" by acting "crass". Something like that. C'est la vie...

This is super interesting Mark, love this! I would love to read more about this. 

 

I think there are plenty of med who although are simple, still know how to properly engage women. This guy just has no clue. Very one dimensional. 

[Dis]

So this guy I'm going out with on Friday sent me a pic. It was perfectly appropriate. Gym pic. I said he has nice arms to which he replied, "You can feel them if you want to."

 

Wtfffff is wrong with these men??? 

 

Come on! It's so bad I can't stop laughing 

[Dis]

So after he said, "You can feel them if you want to."

 

I replied, "I only feel my bf's arms when I have one."

 

He said.... "Lol it's a comfort test relax I didn't say ride me lol"

 

Um okay D bag.... next! 

 

Edit: Now he's profusely apologizing because I said I'll pass on the date 

Edited October 13, 2021 by Dis

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, Dis said:

So after he said, "You can feel them if you want to."

 

I replied, "I only feel my bf's arms when I have one."

 

He said.... "Lol it's a comfort test relax I didn't say ride me lol"

 

Um okay D bag.... next! 

LMAO .

How long are you off work Dis?  You're making me laugh today, I so needed that!!  

Anyway, I hear ya!  Which is why on line doesn't work for me, although I did think his "ride me" comment was kinda funny, but I'm warped so don't listen to me. Lol

How did you meet him, on a dating app or FB? 

I missed if you posted earlier. 

Oh well, another one bites the dust. 

Edited October 13, 2021 by poppyfields

[Dis]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

LMAO .

How long are you off work Dis?  You're making me laugh today, I so needed that!!  

Anyway, I hear ya!  Which is why on line doesn't work for me, although I did think his "ride me" comment was kinda funny, but I'm warped so don't listen to me. Lol

How did you meet him, on a dating app or FB? 

I missed if you posted earlier. 

Oh well, another one bites the dust. 

Ahahaha! Feel free to laugh girl because I'm cracking up 

 

I don't have a start date for the new job yet so I'm not sure how long I'll be off

 

This isn't OLD. These guys are contacting me on fb by the droves and I know most of them.

 

I have a date with an old flame on Tuesday though. He's fine af and we have a lot of history. He's taking me to an upscale restaurant for dinner then around town to some other venues. Should be fun. 

 

I'm looking forward to that because these guy are killing me though ahaha! 

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, Dis said:

Edit: Now he's profusely apologizing because I said I'll pass on the date 

Dis, he thinks you're really pretty and kicking himself for offending. 

I think you should go, it wasn't that bad, I think his intention was good - to make you laugh or smile.

Massive fail but at least he apologized, now he knows your boundaries.

 

[Dis]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Dis, he thinks you're really pretty and kicking himself for offending. 

I think you should go, it wasn't that bad, I think his intention was good - to make you laugh or smile.

Massive fail but at least he apologized, now he knows your boundaries.

 

Eh, I wasn't over the moon about him anyway. His teeth aren't great and neither is his face. I know, seems like I'll find anything to cut the cord. 

 

Ugh, I just don't like any of these guys. I really don't. I'm just feeling very disinterested in them. No one is doing it for me. 

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, Dis said:

This isn't OLD. These guys are contacting me on fb by the droves and I know most of them.

Oh okay, I disabled my FB a couple of years ago.

But I post on another site sometimes (similar to LS) and yeah, men PMing me like crazy suddenly! 

I respond, then they respond back, but then I sort of ghost, if you can even call it that after one or two messages.

One guy I was (still am) rather intrigued by, so I'm tempted, but no, not going there.  None are local. 

Anyway, apologies didn't mean to make this about me, what are you gonna do?

Who is this old flame, have you posted about him? 

Have fun on Tuesday! 

Edited October 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[Ami1uwant]

4 hours ago, Dis said:

At the moment, men are crawling out of the woodwork. One of which is a guy I went to high school with. He's 36, owns a successful moving company with his dad. He reached out a week ago via fb and we've been chatting ever since. 

 

He seems very attentive and once we exchanged a few messages, he asked me out. At first I wasn't super open to it because lately I've been having a hard time developing feelings for new men. I feel like all my years of dating have either hardened me or made me made me numb. It's to the point where they all seem the same to me, no one is special. I don't get that spark anymore but honestly I think it's because I'm not giving them a real chance. I just feel, 'meh' about them. I'm very intuitive as well so maybe the reason why I get turned off some of the time is because I know they're not a good prospect for whatever reason. 

 

So I ended up agreeing to a date this Friday. I had been low key catching some immature/cocky vibes from him didn't want to read into it too much. And low and behold, I wake up to a text saying, "If you want to see the most d**chiest of d**che b*g pics a guy could send let me know. Hahaha. Nothing below the waist don't worry. I do not send or ask for those." Immediately I was like 'ughhhhh, this is where is ends for me.' I said, "I'm all set thanks." I asked a few friends about it and they said, "It's just above the waist, what's the big deal." And I said, because it's skevy. Why would I want to see that when there's no context for it and it just seems weird. But they talked me into it so I said, "alright go for it." He sent me a pic of him holding up his shirt so I could see the scar a shark left on his abdomen that he told me about last night. (He fishes on his boat). The funny thing about it was the scar was barely noticeable to the point where he had to circle it  and in the end it was just an excuse to send me a shirtless selfie. 

 

After the pic he said, "Not bad for a 36 year old eh?" Ugh barf!!!! 

 

Now I don't really have any interest in going out with him. It's not that I can't appreciate the human body, I have a high drive and I love that about myself but do I really need to see that before we even go out? Plus he seems arrogant to top it off. 

 

Am I being too harsh or would this be a turn off for most of you? 

no.

 

im turned off seeing women showing cleavage or bikini shots.  It says I’m desoarste to find someone to date and my personality sucks.

[Dis]

17 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

 

Anyway, apologies didn't mean to make this about me, what are you gonna do?

Who is this old flame, have you posted about him? 

Have fun on Tuesday! 

Not going to go out with him ( the ride me guy ahhaha) 

 

I'm hoping once I start at the hospital some doors will open and I can meet people more organically

 

I met the going I'm going out with on Tuesday on OLD 5 years ago. We were both young and he was what they now refer to as a f**k boy lol. He's a CO and owns a house but that's about all he had straight. He wasn't a stable prospect for a bf and even back then being young and naïve, I could pick up on that. I think he was sleeping with lot's of women. He was flaky too. So after the first date I knew he was just someone fun to hang out with and nothing more. But over the years he definitely matured. He's doesn't sleep around anymore (from what I know), he's a lot more relationship oriented and he says he wants one. Even when I hang out with him I can see the change in him. 

 

But despite that I still view him as the guy I hung out with in my twenties and found a thong on his bedroom floor hahaha. I still don't consider him bf material. I don't think he'd be the most faithful guy, I don't have anything to prove that now, after all this time, I just kind of think people can change but not that much. He's also always out and about. Very active and always out with friends. I'm much more of an introvert and I don't think we'd mesh in that sense. There's long periods of time where I don't text him back and I do it subconsciously because I still don't take him seriously. But I really think he is trying to get something off the ground. He gets hurt when I blow him off and tells me he wants something serious and why am I not taking him seriously. I just think once you've seen enough from a person, it's hard to change your perspective on them even if changes have been made. 

 

Edit: He's also very very sexually driven and while I am too, I save that for monogamous relationships once I feel safe and there's been trust established. Whereas he is dying to have sex with me. Always talks about how it's been 5 years and he's dying for it. I don't think there's been many women who haven't slept with him when he's wanted it so I think he views me as a prize because I haven't yet. 

Edited October 14, 2021 by Dis

[poppyfields]

19 minutes ago, Dis said:

He's also very very sexually driven..

Always talks about how it's been 5 years and he's dying for it.

Aren't all men?  In my experience, they are, when attracted. 

He's just more vocal about it than other men, that's all... your right to not like, be turned off by that. 

Edited October 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[Dis]

13 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Aren't all men?  In my experience, they are, when attracted. 

He's just more vocal about it than other men, that's all... your right to not like, be turned off by that. 

Of course. I just think we both have different expectations. He wants sex early on, I don't. He pushes it, I push away. He has very little patience. Wants what he wants when he wants it. And tbh, I wouldn't feel comfortable having sex with him. I don't feel safe with him in that way. I need a little bit of coziness, warmth and safety with a guy. Those aren't his strong suits. 

[Noproblem]

I disagree, I find what he did was super funny and cute. Why does he have to be all serious guy or else be called immature or egotistic? 

Why this certain age limitation, guys can't do that if they are 36? Why not?

Plus you just didn't like him because he is skinny! Why a skinny guy can't show off their body? He actually did ask for permission and was just being flirty/funny about it. You simply didn't like what he's got! ( akin to a guy doesn't like the photo a woman sends him because her boobs are small!)

Edited October 14, 2021 by Noproblem

[Crazelnut]

Also, don't let your friends talk you into stupid stuff that your gut tells you to avoid, like saying yes to accepting questionable pics. 

[smackie9]

I have worked with guys like this where they feel that those types of things will bring their value up in the eyes of women. That is how clueless they are and would struggle to maintain a real relationship. This one dude, during a wing night with mixed coworkers, bragged having dated a couple of strippers. A few of us talked about it later and went ewww, just why would he think that would make him look appealing. Some of the guys even said they weren't impressed by it, thought he was being a tool.

I say keep looking and be vigilant. It only takes one to be the one right? Make it the right one!

[poppyfields]

21 hours ago, Dis said:

Eh, I wasn't over the moon about him anyway. His teeth aren't great and neither is his face. I know, seems like I'll find anything to cut the cord. 

Ugh, I just don't like any of these guys. I really don't. I'm just feeling very disinterested in them. No one is doing it for me. 

Dis keep in mind when you met your ex (who you met in REAL life) he was overweight and had other physical flaws you weren't crazy about.  But yet you felt a vibe, an energy, you clicked and overlooked those flaws.  Flaws you might have dismissed him for had you met on line and based off a pic.

That's one of the problems I have with on line.  We view pics and if they don't meet our exact standards, with respect to appearance and how they interact with us, they get immediately dismissed.

People aren't being given give a fair shake based on mutual live in-person chemistry/energy.  It's all based on pics!  Or a brief message/text exchange and if they don't interact with us in just the "right" way, the "proper" way (whatever that is), they get dismissed.

I think for that reason, on line works against you instead of for you.  As women, we get inundated with messages, it's a total validation fest; as you said men are coming out of the workwork!!  As such, we get to pick and choose and again if someone doesn't match our exact requirements, they get dismissed.

It's not difficult meeting men in real life, in fact it's almost effortless.  Last night I met two men within one hour.  One on the elevator (with his four-year old daughter whose "mommy" was gone) and another at the local market where they were having a sale on different whiskies and we were all sampling.

The elevator guy asked me for dinner and the whisky guy and I exchanged cards, which I now keep in my wallet.

And I didn't even do anything!  I was wearing leggings, sweater, sneakers, no makeup and my glasses!!   I certainly wasn't expecting to meet anyone, if I had I would have at least put on a little lip gloss!!  LOL

I dunno, I know this my typical rant against on line but again I really do think it works against you instead of for you.

Just remember when you met your ex, at work wherein you interacted on a regular basis, developed a rapport and felt that vibe/energy/chemistry.

Not based off a pic but the real him, overweight, big belly and all.

Just something to consider, tis all.

 

 

Edited October 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

So many men are  clueless. 

I got a message from a man and his 3rd picture was him sticking his tongue out in a way that could be perceived as 'suggestive'. I told him I had not answered his previous messages because of that picture. He laughed and said I was the 4th woman telling him this and the picture didn't mean anything bad he just thought it was funny. He changed it for a picture of him watering his garden, it was a pretty amazing picture, magazine worthy. So this man, in his 50s still had no clue what picture would appeal to a serious woman. 

[spiderowl]

I can understand why you were put off, OP.  I think when he suggested sending a pic that you had doubts about, even though he assured you it wasn't a d**k pic, that would have been time to lay down your boundaries about shirtless pics.  He could then decide whether he wanted to send the pic regardless (next) or if he should accept that you are not into that kind of stuff online.

He seems proud of his shark bite scar - and yes prob most he meets do ask to see it once they know him - but not everyone would want to.  

It is just about possible (though surrounding and later messages suggest this is not the case) that he was wondering if you would still fancy him with a scar.  It may be that the pic had the intention of showing off his body (for you to admire) and to reassure himself that you would not reject him later because of the scar.  I think it's unlikely as many women might see him as 'more of a man' for having such a scar.

I am like you.  I am easily put off by what guys say in their texts and sending me any unsolicited pics puts me off them straight away, no matter how good they look in the pic.  It's the showiness and emphasis on bodies I don't like.  It kind of gives me an idea what they are into and that they think all I need in life is a good male body!  

Maybe tell them your boundaries as soon as they suggest a pic.  A decent guy will respect that and realise you are not one of the women who goes for such things.

Edited October 15, 2021 by spiderowl

[BreakOnThrough]

Paralysis due to an excess of options.  You've created the perfect potential mate in your mind because of the supply, but it has skewed your realistic expectations of people in general.  You can continue to keep swinging for the fences and "hope", or just simply realize that everyone is imperfect, but in that imperfection there is a lot of beauty and an opportunity to learn a lot about yourself from these people, your life will be far richer for it.

[Dis]

4 hours ago, BreakOnThrough said:

Paralysis due to an excess of options.  You've created the perfect potential mate in your mind because of the supply, but it has skewed your realistic expectations of people in general.  You can continue to keep swinging for the fences and "hope", or just simply realize that everyone is imperfect, but in that imperfection there is a lot of beauty and an opportunity to learn a lot about yourself from these people, your life will be far richer for it.

This is actually pretty accurate

 

I've experienced some good traits from all the guys I've dated so I want those traits in one guy. But the reality is, one man can't embody all of those positive qualities. I am being too picky in some ways but honestly, the guys at the moment aren't great no matter how you slice it. So I don't think I'm expecting too much there.