Girl I was 'hooking up' with went back to her ex and I'm really struggling to move past it, need some words of wisdom.

[glows]

2 hours ago, turokturok5 said:

Thanks again everyone...

Still feeling like a bit of a fool. I get that she used me as a rebound, it's just kind of hard to believe that she could appear to be SO into me and now it's like I'm barely a platonic friend. I mean it was just a few weeks ago she expressed "fear" that I was going to stop seeing her - she was messaging me when I was out with some friends whilst she was working...asking me who I was with, what I was doing, if I was going to replace her etc...then she just flips like a switch, goes cold on me and goes back to her ex.

It's getting easier but we hung out in a group the other day and were playing some drinking games. She was asked a question if she had ever been "interested" in someone that was in the group and she said no definitely not...that stung a little bit considering what we had been doing because it really DIDN'T feel like I was just a "hook up". 

I know I'll be over this pretty soon as I've got a lot to look forward to and she is quitting her job and leaving soon anyway. It just feels helpful to vent somewhere. I don't know, I guess maybe it's just my ego that's hurt? I just keep coming back to this though process that it was all my fault. That I wasn't good enough and that was the reason that she was driven back to her ex. It's not just the sex I miss really - before we started having sex we would always watch movies together, go to the beach, do our shopping, get food and just hang out and that's just instantly gone away and I'm feeling lonely

Is it reasonable to stop or limit your contact with this group of friends? It's good to take a breather. You should know by now to take her words in one ear/out the other. 

[dramafreezone]

I have a bit of a different take.

I don't see anything wrong with dating someone who's on a rebound. (which she clearly was), but acknowledge it for what it is.  There's no possible way that she was over her ex , and she gave you clues to figure it out (head in a mess).  You can't develop a significant connection with someone that's still thinking about their ex.  You cannot compete with that attatchment she has with him.  It's only safe when she has no feelings about him at all, no anger, not resentment, no "head in a mess."

From what I've read I really don't think she did anything wrong.  She's just confused right now.  No reason you can't hang out and have fun (if this happens with someone else in the future), but keep things at more of a distance and don't fall for someone who has fresh emotional wounds.  As far as she goes, you don't have to be weird or cold, just be cordial, and busy, really busy and not fake busy.  

Once you've fallen for someone I think it's extremely tough to "un-fall" for them, so probably just have to keep her at a distance.

Edited October 14, 2021 by dramafreezone

[spiderowl]

It is not surprising you are struggling, OP. Despite the fact that you were technically ‘just hooking up’ she was doing the whole lovey-dovey thing that she might with a boyfriend. I think she was missing him and looking for comfort. She made the mistake of drawing you into a situation where you felt like it was more.

I suppose her defensiveness when you asked what the relationship was should have been a red flag but it could also have been that it was early days.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. Perhaps you could have said you are looking for a long-term relationship early on, but then again that might have put too much pressure on her when she was still getting to know you and you wouldn’t necessarily have thought she was ‘the one’ either at that point.

I think she assumed that, being a guy you would probably only be in it for the sex, which is unfair. She was not naive though and knew how to make you feel interested and attached.

Best to write her off and steer clear of her in future. She does not seem very caring about others’ feelings and I feel was very self-centered in this.

Next time I would suggest not just hooking up if you really like a woman. Try to make sure you know what she is ‘in it’ for, before you get too attached. It may be that at the moment you are just missing the effusive attention this woman gave you and not her personality.

 

 

Edited October 15, 2021 by spiderowl

[turokturok5]

2 hours ago, spiderowl said:

\

Next time I would suggest not just hooking up if you really like a woman. Try to make sure you know what she is ‘in it’ for, before you get too attached. It may be that at the moment you are just missing the effusive attention this woman gave you and not her personality.

 

 

I do think I just miss the attention to be honest...retrospectively her personality is not something I think I could manage long term. She was a bit self-centered and never showed much appreciation for the things I did for her.

But despite this, the thing that's really bothering me is the lack of "closure". I know I basically have closure because she's back together with her ex...but before she got back together with him she told me her head was in a mess, she was having trouble with her mental health and that this was all just a "phase". And when this phase passed we would talk about it. I believed her and held onto hope for a few weeks. Then she just acts like we're platonic friends, there was no "chat" and I had to find out through the woodwork about her and her ex getting back together.

We were such good friends before the sex got involved and I know she doesn't owe me any kind of explanation or anything. But I just can't understand why she wouldn't want to at least tell me that this was why she didn't want to be with me anymore and that I did nothing wrong because again I keep thinking that it was my fault. 

[dramafreezone]

3 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I think she assumed that, being a guy you would probably only be in it for the sex, which is unfair.

I'm surprised that this is still so widely perpetuated.  I think guys are more prone than women to attachment. 

In my observation guys take breakups tougher, assuming that they are being broken up with and not the other way around.  Most women have better support systems than guys, can get right back out there even if they're still not over the guy, whereas majority of guys are supposed to be "tough" and not show that they're hurting, and often times can't just be on multiple dates right away.

 I think dating multiple women is a way that we "insulate" ourselves from falling for any one woman, because we know how bad it can get if we fall and it doesn't work out.

Edited October 15, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Nothanks]

5 hours ago, turokturok5 said:

she doesn't owe me any kind of explanation or anything

She owed you the courtesy of telling you she was back exclusively with her ex. She is not a friend and you should treat her as an acquaintance.  Honestly it sounds like you dodged a bullet. I get that it isn’t what you want but would you want a relationship with someone so unstable or unsure of their feelings?  Avoid her crazy making and put her in the zone of “work acquaintance only”.  Be prepared for another round of “I don’t know what I want”.  If it happens, shut that down HARD.

[turokturok5]

7 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

I'm surprised that this is still so widely perpetuated.  I think guys are more prone than women to attachment. 

In my observation guys take breakups tougher, assuming that they are being broken up with and not the other way around.  Most women have better support systems than guys, can get right back out there even if they're still not over the guy, whereas majority of guys are supposed to be "tough" and not show that they're hurting, and often times can't just be on multiple dates right away.

 I think dating multiple women is a way that we "insulate" ourselves from falling for any one woman, because we know how bad it can get if we fall and it doesn't work out.

Yeah I think this is my problem...I've never really like dating multiple women at once because I don't like how it feels when I'm with someone and they're seeing other people and so I don't want to do this to other people, I always focus on the person I'm seeing and only them. I might have to start being a bit more selfish and trying to date around because what I'm doing so far is not working. I'm not an unattractive guy, I'm quite confident and social and get a lot of attention from girls, but I'm a bit of a late bloomer so I'm not great in managing it. 

But for some reason people just seem to use me to fill their own agenda. For instance on the weekend just gone I was out at an event with colleagues and one of the new girls was all over me, buying me drinks, on my arm all the time, kissing me on the cheek...and was taking A LOT of photos of us. I find out a bit later that her boyfriend hadn't talked to her in two weeks and she was uploading all these photos to her instagram/snapchat story. We didn't talk again after the event, but I heard that her boyfriend contacted her the next day and they resolved their issues. 

[turokturok5]

3 hours ago, Nothanks said:

She owed you the courtesy of telling you she was back exclusively with her ex. She is not a friend and you should treat her as an acquaintance.  Honestly it sounds like you dodged a bullet. I get that it isn’t what you want but would you want a relationship with someone so unstable or unsure of their feelings?  Avoid her crazy making and put her in the zone of “work acquaintance only”.  Be prepared for another round of “I don’t know what I want”.  If it happens, shut that down HARD.

I know I've dodged a bullet, not only has she shown me how unstable she is but the way she has handled everything and her inability to communicate are big red flags I was aware of but ignored. I'm just getting frustrated now because I logically understand that this needed to end and that I'll be better off for it but I can't stop dwelling on it. I don't know if its my ego or if its just because intimacy aside, for the past 3-4 months I spent pretty much every single day at work and afternoon/night with her, got used to her company and miss her. A lot of my friends close friends are gone now as well (contract workers) so I'm just feeling lonely

[Nothanks]

5 minutes ago, turokturok5 said:

.I've never really like dating multiple women at once because I don't like how it feels when I'm with someone and they're seeing other people and so I don't want to do this to other people, I always focus on the person I'm seeing and only them

There is nothing wrong with dating one person at a time. It sounds though like you fall fast, you don’t discuss your expectations and frankly pick the wrong women. If you are interested in a woman, find out if she is in a relationship first. If she has just broken up, date her sure but don’t get invested to quickly. If she has a boyfriend, don’t even think about it…even if she says they are having problems.  There are plenty of single available women out there.  Just take your time to get to know one first and if you do want to be exclusive, tell her.  

[Lotsgoingon]

This hurts for sure. But you will learn from this (if you want to mature you will). 

Rule #1, don't get your heart involved with someone who has just broken up. I think many of us (I certainly am in this group) have to learn this first hand. The bottom line is that even though they might flirt and seem available, the person who has recently broken up with someone is NOT available. They just don't know that yet. They might genuinely think they're over the bf. That's the hard part for someone in your position.

So basically if you don't want heartbreak, you don't fall hard for people just recently out of relationship--even when they complain about that relationship and that ex. That complaining means nothing. 

So know yourself: if you just wanted sex, then OK. But if you really liked her, you have to catch yourself. Just make it a rule. No dating people recently out of relationship. Period.

So yes, you're feeling discarded, but you're not a fool. Seriously many of us go through this at some point. 

[Nothanks]

8 minutes ago, turokturok5 said:

I don't know if its my ego or if its just because intimacy aside, for the past 3-4 months I spent pretty much every single day at work and afternoon/night with her, got used to her company and miss her

You are going through a withdrawal. Completely normal but it totally sucks.  Just know that in time it gets easier and soon she will just be a person you used to date. If you find yourself thinking about her, refocus your thoughts on more productive things. Go for a walk, clean the house, whatever …but just don’t reminisce about her.  It won’t change anything or help you detach. Now that she has shown you what kind of person she is, believe it.  I think you miss being with someone, not necessarily her. Being with the wrong person is much worse than being alone.  Give yourself a break and just take your time.