Girl I was 'hooking up' with went back to her ex and I'm really struggling to move past it, need some words of wisdom.

[turokturok5]

I posted a few weeks ago about a close friend/work colleague that I started having sex with. To summarize; we met 3-4 months ago but she had a boyfriend and was in a long distance relationship. She broke up with her boyfriend and started getting very close with me then we started having sex and sleeping at each others houses, essentially living together for 3 weeks

She was very intimate with me, always wanting cuddles, kisses, stroking my hair/back until I fell asleep in her arms, always wanting to be with me after work, constantly blowing up my phone and so on. I tried to have a chat to her about "what we were doing" and she got a bit defensive but established that she still wanted to see me. But like night and day she went cold and admitted that her "head was in a mess" because she was talking to her ex again. I told her I was going to back off and give her space to figure this out...

Last week she went to go back to her home town to see her family. I was trying to keep my distance, but she would still continually message me and initiate contact several times a day. She returned home last week and despite still messaging me several times a day to talk, never made mention about what went down with her ex or if she still wanted to see me or not. 

I see her at work a week after this and she's still very flirty, at this point we haven't been intimate in 3 weeks. She still brushes up against me when she walks past, slaps my ass, comes and sits in my office to chat when "she is bored", draws love hearts and pictures on my notebooks when I'm gone and still initiates contact with me every day. If I try to ignore it, she'll double and triple text me. 

Then I'm sitting amongst work colleagues and she comes in and starts talking about how she is heading home this weekend and next to go spend time with her boyfriend. I'm really struggling to move past this...we were quite good friends before we started hooking up - spending every afternoon/night together after work, then we started sleeping together, she went back to her ex and I'm left thinking wtf happened?

I missed a lot of red flags - she would often say I did things, said things, or had mannerisms that reminded her of her ex and they hadn't been separated for very long. Is it normal to be inspired to rekindle things with your ex when starting to see someone new? I haven't been in this situation before and am just trying to understand what I did wrong. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, turokturok5 said:

  she comes in and starts talking about how she is heading home this weekend and next to go spend time with her boyfriend. 

Avoid her at work. Be professional but distant.

Immediately delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

She's a cheating snake. Run .

Find a real GF of your own and skip  hookups, cuddle buddies, FWB and other go nowhere situationships.

 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, turokturok5 said:

To summarize; we met 3-4 months ago but she had a boyfriend and was in a long distance relationship. She broke up with her boyfriend and started getting very close with me then we started having sex and sleeping at each others houses, essentially living together for 3 weeks

She probably won't mind if she hurts anyone else because her actions sound like that of a chippie.

It's risky to start a relationship with someone who has recently split up.

Lots of fun in the beginning, though.

Perhaps being with someone who lets her have her way and makes it easier for her to monkey branch between two men wasn't what she wanted to be with long term.

Now she’s back with her boyfriend.

That means you should take a step back and avoid interacting with her.

 

[Blind-Sided]

Cut her off now.  She obviously just wants to sleep around, and needs the attention of men.  She also has no issue "Cheating", so why would you want any part of that??

Time to run.

[elaine567]

Trouble is you got with a woman who had just broken up with her bf. Bad mistake.
She quickly slotted you into the space her ex used to occupy, and for you it felt so good so real, so much like love.
But you were just the substitute.
She was not finished with her ex in her mind and whilst it was no doubt nice with you, you were not her ex and she missed him.
She decided to choose him and stopped her relationship with you.
You are understandably upset.
BUT next time stay well away from people who have recently broken up, as their "head's are in a mess" and are not ready to date anyone.
You were the rebound and when she "woke up" to face reality, she realised she wanted her ex and not you.
 

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

Cut her off now.  She obviously just wants to sleep around, and needs the attention of men.  She also has no issue "Cheating", so why would you want any part of that??

Time to run.

Where does it say she sleeps around or she cheated?
She broke up her bf, then she got close to the OP.

[Blind-Sided]

6 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Where does it say she sleeps around or she cheated?
She broke up her bf, then she got close to the OP.

 

2 hours ago, turokturok5 said:

1) started getting very close with me then we started having sex

2) starts talking about how she is heading home this weekend and next to go spend time with her boyfriend. 

OK... maybe an assumption... but why would she tell our OP she is going to go see her exBF other than to make him jealous, and/or to have relations with her ex.  TO me... even if things didn't get physical... this is still borderline cheating.  

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, turokturok5 said:

Is it normal to be inspired to rekindle things with your ex when starting to see someone new?

If you're not over your ex and on the rebound (as she clearly was), then yes. It's normal. Not necessarily a good idea, but it's not unusual at all. She was on the rebound and you were convenient. It sucks, but she wasn't getting close to you for the right reasons. She was just looking to fill the void her ex left. 

Stay away from her. She's apparently back together with him, so don't make the mistake of being a back-up in case they break up again or have a rough patch. 

[ExpatInItaly]

16 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

 but why would she tell our OP she is going to go see her exBF other than to make him jealous, and/or to have relations with her ex.  TO me... even if things didn't get physical... this is still borderline cheating.  

How?

She isn't dating OP. She wasn't dating her ex when she was fooling around with OP, either. Her behaviour wasn't great, but I don't see where she was cheating on anyone. I think she's just too lame and chicks**t to be honest and tell OP that they've decided to reconcile, so she used this roundabout and immature way of letting him know. 

[Foxhall]

You enjoyed the fun with her at least,  better than nothing,

many guys be glad to have that bit of action.

[elaine567]

18 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

 

OK... maybe an assumption... but why would she tell our OP she is going to go see her exBF other than to make him jealous, and/or to have relations with her ex.  TO me... even if things didn't get physical... this is still borderline cheating.  

She has not seen him for sex in 3 weeks as she cooled it off and admitted she  was back talking with the bf and is now obviously back with the bf.
I don't see cheating here.
Nor do I see any evidence of  her "sleeping around"

[Blind-Sided]

OK... I must have miss read it. (my bad)

But in that case... if she broke up with our OP... then he needs to just walk away, and when she is flirting with him, he needs to ask her to stop.  Especially in a work environment. She would be doing it, to just get a rise out of him. 

[turokturok5]

I don't think she "cheated" but I do wonder if she broke up with her boyfriend to avoid "cheating". The first time we had sex together she told me "I knew we were going to f*ck the moment we met". But when we first met, she had her boyfriend. 

I'm just struggling with some feelings of inadequacy at the moment. I'm trying to understand and accept that it's not personal because she decided to go back to her boyfriend and I don't really have much control over that - she had an emotional connection to him whereas her and I were just friends. I guess the connection I felt with her from the cuddling and all the time we spent together was not reciprocal. I just keep feeling like maybe I wasn't good enough and this is what drove her to get back together with her ex...

It's really not a great feeling and I keep dwelling on it as I've struggled with self-esteem issues in the past and have been "used" before. It's hard for me to avoid her as we work together and we have the same social circle. It's just the feeling that I wasn't good enough for her that keeps coming back to bother me, but I don't know if this was the case or if it was just because she was still in love with her ex.

 

Edited October 13, 2021 by turokturok5

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, turokturok5 said:

I don't think she "cheated" but I do wonder if she broke up with her boyfriend to avoid "cheating". The first time we had sex together she told me "I knew we were going to f*ck the moment we met" and she was with her boyfriend at the time...

I'm just struggling with some feelings of inadequacy at the moment. I'm trying to understand and accept that it's not personal because she decided to go back to her boyfriend and I don't really have much control over that - she had an emotional connection to him whereas her and I were just friends. I guess and the connection I felt with her from the cuddling and all the time we spent together was not reciprocal. I just keep feeling like maybe I wasn't good enough and this is what drove her to get back together with her ex...

It's really not a great feeling and I keep dwelling on it as I've struggled with self-esteem issues in the past and have been "used" before. It's hard for me to avoid her as we work together and we have the same social circle. It's just the feeling that I wasn't good enough for her that keeps coming back to bother me, but I don't know if this was the case or if it was just because she was still in love with her ex.

I would guess she was still in love with the ex.
They had history and that is very often difficult to beat

[smackie9]

When it's come on fast a furious like that, it's a rebound.You need to learn from this experience and have a better understanding about situations like this...and avoid them.

[mark clemson]

Recognize that 

A) You have "caught feelings" for the wrong girl and

B) She is not respectful enough of your distress to leave you alone (which would be the kind thing to do) which

C) Essentially makes her a "tease" OR makes you her "Plan B"/backup plan if things go south with the old BF;  therefore

D) You are best off being rid of her. Recognize this and act accordingly.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, turokturok5 said:

It's just the feeling that I wasn't good enough for her that keeps coming back to bother me, but I don't know if this was the case or if it was just because she was still in love with her ex.

It's this. 

She wanted some sexual thrills, but she is still into him and missed him. You need to stay away from women like this in the future, who are fresh out of relationships and come on way too strong. 

Be professional, but keep personal distance from her. 

[Allupinnit]

Where do you work where it's ok to get slapped on the ass by a colleague? A bar?

Aside from that, but sorry dude she either used you as a rebound, cheated on her bf, or they were on a "break." 

She sounds to me like someone desperate for attention regardless of where or whom she is with, hence the blowing you up and all of the inappropriate stuff at work.  

[glows]

Distance yourself and keep doing what you're doing with work and staying on top of other things. Everyone feels a little low after things don't work out with someone they care about. This should be an indicator to you that you're actually quite open and able to be vulnerable with someone on a more meaningful level. So? Raise the bar and seek individuals who are able to support that type of relationship also. Give yourself time. Mute her contact, stay professional and only respond to work-related items since you work in the same area.

[Herkamer]

9 hours ago, turokturok5 said:

I posted a few weeks ago about a close friend/work colleague that I started having sex with. To summarize; we met 3-4 months ago but she had a boyfriend and was in a long distance relationship. She broke up with her boyfriend and started getting very close with me then we started having sex and sleeping at each others houses, essentially living together for 3 weeks

She was very intimate with me, always wanting cuddles, kisses, stroking my hair/back until I fell asleep in her arms, always wanting to be with me after work, constantly blowing up my phone and so on. I tried to have a chat to her about "what we were doing" and she got a bit defensive but established that she still wanted to see me. But like night and day she went cold and admitted that her "head was in a mess" because she was talking to her ex again. I told her I was going to back off and give her space to figure this out...

Last week she went to go back to her home town to see her family. I was trying to keep my distance, but she would still continually message me and initiate contact several times a day. She returned home last week and despite still messaging me several times a day to talk, never made mention about what went down with her ex or if she still wanted to see me or not. 

I see her at work a week after this and she's still very flirty, at this point we haven't been intimate in 3 weeks. She still brushes up against me when she walks past, slaps my ass, comes and sits in my office to chat when "she is bored", draws love hearts and pictures on my notebooks when I'm gone and still initiates contact with me every day. If I try to ignore it, she'll double and triple text me. 

Then I'm sitting amongst work colleagues and she comes in and starts talking about how she is heading home this weekend and next to go spend time with her boyfriend. I'm really struggling to move past this...we were quite good friends before we started hooking up - spending every afternoon/night together after work, then we started sleeping together, she went back to her ex and I'm left thinking wtf happened?

I missed a lot of red flags - she would often say I did things, said things, or had mannerisms that reminded her of her ex and they hadn't been separated for very long. Is it normal to be inspired to rekindle things with your ex when starting to see someone new? I haven't been in this situation before and am just trying to understand what I did wrong. 

This may come off as condescending and snarky, so I do apologize ahead of time. But I will be honest throughout, so please understand this is meant to help you, not intentionally hurt or disparage.

It sounded like what you were more of a FWB rather than a bf, so, to me, those situations are NOT real and meaningful relationships. You seemed far more focused on the sexual aspect of things rather than how she treated you as a person. You were very flattered by her because she gave you a very erotic experience. No doubt she's beautiful and I bet she was able to back it up with the number of times you slept with her or how she simply touched you. It all sounded too good to be true... and it was, and you blew off ALL the red flags as a result of it.

Whenever a woman is, literally, all touchy feely the way she was with you, 9 times out of 10, she is probably seeing another guy or two. Even if she isn't seeing other people, that doesn't mean that she's actually interested in you. Typically, it means you're just a stand in until she can lock down the guy she's REALLY interested in, and she acts very sexual because she wants the attention, not a relationship with you. It's pretty disgusting and it truly devastates men when it does happen. They feel as if they're lives are worthless next to Chad's. There were plenty of mistakes you made. Sleeping with her was one of them. The other is assuming that she and the ex bf, who sounded like they broke it off just shortly before you hooked up with her, were not talking nor seeing each other. The greatest mistake you made, in addition to moving too quickly, was you assumed she actually liked you because of how she treated you.

Dude, you don't assume ANYTHING about a woman you're seeing until you actually know what's going on. Sleeping with each other and moving in together before marriage are some of THE WORST mistakes you can make. You don't know how things are going to end up. Kids, financial problems, cheating, all these are consequences that people DON'T take into account. On top of that, these type of people take advantage of others. One could even make the case that you didn't think at all. You just acted because you were afraid you wouldn't find another woman like this. It's simply not true. People are so impatient nowadays it's not even funny anymore.

Now, you're a big boy. You can do what you like and be interested in whoever. It's not my life. However, you came here for advice, so hopefully this helps:

-find new hobbies to do (or focus on current ones)

-be more involved with your family

-hang out with your friends more

-go out and travel more

-work out more

-don't give the woman ANYMORE ATTENTION, unless if it's work related ONLY

Also, if you get involved with another woman, don't do anything sexual with them until you're married. Not that there's nothing wrong with cuddling, holding hands, and kissing, but the extreme make out sessions and these all nighters make things worse for you. Also, don't move in with a woman. It adds a whole laundry list of problems you don't want. You can know someone through dating and seeing each other on occasion. It's total BS that the best way to know someone is by moving in with them. It's the furthest thing from the truth. If you need some more advice, I'll be on here.

[Runninggirl]

I was that girl, so I thought Id give some insight. 

I stared a fling with a co worker a few months before I broke up with my boyfriend. Unlike your case I never kissed or slept with him before we broke up.

We flirted and it made me realize what I was missing, and for me it was the push I needed to get out of my unfulfilling relationship. But I stilled somewhat loved him, and was scared to regret it to I did what a lot of people do; I pushed it. Until me and my colleague was close to crossing the line.

At the time I only saw this coworker as fun, I wasn't in love with him, I was in love with how he made me feel alive, because I had felt dead from my relationship. 

I broke up with my bf, and very quickly got together with my co worker, slept with him, met his family, everything went very quickly. In the back of my mind it wasn't serious though, and I was haunted by my previous relationship. Missed my ex, met my ex a couple of times (never slept with him or got back together). It was just a grief process. Even though I wanted out and it was the right thing to do. It took time. 

I took four-five months until I realized I had actual feelings for my co worker, and when I could fully engage in them. For all that time I didn't think it would ever become something because I didnt feel invested. 

It turned out to become a five year relationship, and the current love of my life. He ended up leaving me. Now six years later its crazy that what I thought was a rebound turned into my most rewarding relationship. 

I just wanted to let you know that even if it seems like she cares more about her ex now, and not about you, and she's just using you, its not always black and white. It takes time leaving something.

Not saying you should wait around or anything, but don't let what it seems like tell you you didnt matter to her. Im sure you did, and do. 

[turokturok5]

Thanks again everyone...

Still feeling like a bit of a fool. I get that she used me as a rebound, it's just kind of hard to believe that she could appear to be SO into me and now it's like I'm barely a platonic friend. I mean it was just a few weeks ago she expressed "fear" that I was going to stop seeing her - she was messaging me when I was out with some friends whilst she was working...asking me who I was with, what I was doing, if I was going to replace her etc...then she just flips like a switch, goes cold on me and goes back to her ex.

It's getting easier but we hung out in a group the other day and were playing some drinking games. She was asked a question if she had ever been "interested" in someone that was in the group and she said no definitely not...that stung a little bit considering what we had been doing because it really DIDN'T feel like I was just a "hook up". 

I know I'll be over this pretty soon as I've got a lot to look forward to and she is quitting her job and leaving soon anyway. It just feels helpful to vent somewhere. I don't know, I guess maybe it's just my ego that's hurt? I just keep coming back to this though process that it was all my fault. That I wasn't good enough and that was the reason that she was driven back to her ex. It's not just the sex I miss really - before we started having sex we would always watch movies together, go to the beach, do our shopping, get food and just hang out and that's just instantly gone away and I'm feeling lonely

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, turokturok5 said:

I get that she used me 

It doesn't seem like anyone "used" anyone. Just a FWB, hookup, cuddle buddy situation that was coming to an end one way or another. It's fine.  Just get a good profile and pics on some quality dating apps and message and meet women .

[elaine567]

45 minutes ago, turokturok5 said:

It's not just the sex I miss really - before we started having sex we would always watch movies together, go to the beach, do our shopping, get food and just hang out and that's just instantly gone away and I'm feeling lonely

Being the re bound is hard.
They tend to place you right into the ex's spot and that means they act as if they love you, you do coupley things together, it all seems so perfect and right, with an almost instant closeness like you have known  each other for years...
I don't believe anyone dumps their bf for a FWB,  I think she genuinely thought it was real. I don't think she used you either.
I think she just realised she made a mistake and the call from the ex was just too strong.

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, turokturok5 said:

It's getting easier but we hung out in a group the other day and were playing some drinking games. She was asked a question if she had ever been "interested" in someone that was in the group and she said no definitely not...that stung a little bit considering what we had been doing

She was just saving face with the group + not opening up the can of worms by bringing you up. Obviously she knows and felt something or nothing would have ever happened between you two.

Definitely agree that these "100% on/100% off" types can be distressing when you get to the "off" phase. Reality is (as you realize) that it was just a FWB phase/fling and so you should categorize it as such in your own mind.