ExpatInItaly Posted October 16, 2021 Posted October 16, 2021 On 10/15/2021 at 6:00 PM, dramafreezone said: If this is something she's doing with every guy, then maybe she needs to consider if she's sabatoging her own dating life. If you have a look at her posting history, it is a pattern with her.
Author babybrowns Posted October 17, 2021 Author Posted October 17, 2021 (edited) On 10/15/2021 at 3:19 PM, Versacehottie said: This thinking is pretty backwards though. Everything you are doing is to AVOID rather than experience. You are picking things apart--even inaccurately when the very thing you are picking apart could be a good trait...or simply an explanation of himself that is so beyond common, I would have a hard time saying that most guys aren't this to an extent. Why are you SO afraid that you can't control your own impulses that if you "meet him and like him and will then ignore ACTUAL red flags at that point? This is what you should work on personally rather than trying to extract answers which you seem to be getting wrong AND turning guys off in the process. On your same theory that your prodding was justified. I think his seeing your tactics to probe as unappealing was a huge red flag to him that you wouldn't be a good person to be in a relationship with --- and would argue that many if not most people would see it that way as well. I think you should control your side of the road a lot more and worry about the impression you give. And know you can control yourself at each step of the way and drop out of a progressing relationship at any time. You should work on being light, happy and fun in these initial conversations--because that is what life should primarily be about in something that is supposed to bring good into your life--instead you're bringing drama right off the bat...so who was actually exhibiting grumpy or annoying behavior from the get-go?? It was you, not him. You can't let your protective mode override good judgment and good social behavior. On 10/16/2021 at 4:17 AM, BaileyB said: This. In your attempt to “avoid red flags” that you have missed in the past, you were very guarded and your over reacted to what were rather vague statements made by a man that you didn’t know… You ended it before you even got to know the man - shutting it down at the first sign of any perceived trouble - as an act of self preservation. Emotionally healthy and available people don’t do this, people who are afraid to trust, afraid of being hurt, do. Something to talk about with your counsellor. You have swung from one extreme to another, in an attempt to place a healthy boundary for yourself. Thank you so much everyone for your posts and VersaceHottie and Bailey, you have really hit the nail on the head. It is thanks to posts like these that I can really stop and reflect and yes, I have been overdoing it. @poppyfieldsyou are also very right in your posts in that I have the avoidance mindset and as VersaceHottie said I am in protective mode but to an extreme level. Bailey you know my history well and you are right in that I have swung from my previous extreme, being too tolerant, to this other extreme: being too intolerant. Before I’ve even met someone in person. It is a dangerous and lonely place to be and I am indeed finding out the hard way; I am quick to cut the cord with new prospects based on small (what I perceive to be) red flags. And then I regret putting the boot in, as I do with this guy who was a great prospect. It is these experiences that are helping me to establish some sort of ‘middle ground’. I do crave close connection with someone, I have just become so guarded since I have let my heart go too easily in the past only for it to get trodden on by people who didn’t care all that much. The experiences of both extremes are shifting me slowly towards that healthy balance between both extremes. Going forward from this particular mindset that I seem to have adopted of late, I will definitely be much more careful in the future of waiting until I do meet someone in person first before making decisions about discontinuing. Edited October 17, 2021 by babybrowns 1
Versacehottie Posted October 19, 2021 Posted October 19, 2021 On 10/17/2021 at 3:25 PM, babybrowns said: And then I regret putting the boot in, as I do with this guy who was a great prospect. It is these experiences that are helping me to establish some sort of ‘middle ground’. One way to manage your expectations and how you react and swing from one extreme to another is to come at any match or potential guy in a more tempered way. You might be hopeful or attracted to what you see at first whether meeting in person or what you see in a person's profile--BUT it's a bit of a way from being attracted and hopeful to truly finding out if someone is a "great prospect". I think you could start with reframing how you label these initial intro's to a new person in your life. They are just someone you are excited to have met and you are on a fact-gathering and experiential mission about them....NOT in a grilling way. In the way that comes out over time and spending time with someone and seeing if they meet you halfway. Don't jump to the end in assuming anyone is a great prospect until you have much more information. I think if you can mellow yourself out from thinking some guy is either the devil out to hurt you (and thus you initiate an interrogation) or a prince who is magical and is more middle ground most likely with flaws like everyone has, you will do better at dating. Also you should find yourself more empowered with a belief system that follows these lines. If you are just on a discovery mission to see if the person fits into your life and vice versa (and not in an interrogation style way but one that unfolds over time/experience), you should feel empowered to pull the plug if he is not that or invest more if he appears to be that. Life is more grey than black and white. You can't treat it like it's black and white--especially when dealing with humans. 1
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