babybrowns Posted October 13, 2021 Posted October 13, 2021 (edited) Hi all, I recently matched with someone online. We had only been chatting for a couple of days, had a date lined up for later in the week. The chat and all was going well. At one point, we asked each other what our top 3 values are from someone we are dating. When we told each other, we did share some common values, he also listed ‘patience’ as one of his. I asked him if he meant patient about anything in particular to which he gave a quick reply “nope! ” I nevertheless wanted to dig a little deeper as to what’s behind this to which he said ‘When you’re stressed or having a bad day you need someone patient’. This being in the top 3 things he looks for in a date, I did want to dig a little deeper. I asked him if he tends to get moodswings to which he said he can do when stressed. He then just gave a generic ‘Patience is important in any relationship, moodswings or not! ’ This didn’t sit well with me since it made me feel like he was virtually saying he is looking for someone who can put up with moodswings. More discussion on it however made him quickly end our association and wish me all the best, calling me ‘judgemental’. I might well have prodded too much into this, or I might have dodged a bullet. Would be interested to see what members on here think? Edited October 13, 2021 by babybrowns
Wiseman2 Posted October 13, 2021 Posted October 13, 2021 Way too much chitchat and digging and probing. Meet for coffee it's that simple. Why do all this psychoanalysis prior to meeting? It's pointless if when you meet up, there's nothing there. So. Next time skip the quizzes and digging and just have coffee. Either you hit it off and want to see each other again...or you don't and move forward. 10
glows Posted October 13, 2021 Posted October 13, 2021 You pushed too hard. He was flirting with you with the "nope" and winkies. It got way too serious. Try to keep your chats minimal and lighthearted, meet in person sooner rather than later. 4 2
ExpatInItaly Posted October 13, 2021 Posted October 13, 2021 50 minutes ago, babybrowns said: I might well have prodded too much into this Yes, this. You need to lighten up and not take things so seriously and pick apart people's words. He could see you were too pushy and negative, and peaced out. Try to relax in the future and not look for problems where none exist. 5
Blind-Sided Posted October 13, 2021 Posted October 13, 2021 You absolutely prodded too much... and that prodding is exactly opposite of being "Patient". You assumed that the issue was mood swings. Heck... in the bible... there is a passage that says "Love is Patient". To me... this simply means to not jump to conclusions, and to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. @babybrowns, I agree... from your story... you were being judgmental, and not "Patient" at all. (Sorry) 10
Sun Seeker Posted October 13, 2021 Posted October 13, 2021 You are too much work, especially this early on when things should be light hearted and fun. He is the one that dodged a bullet. 8 1
elaine567 Posted October 13, 2021 Posted October 13, 2021 (edited) [ ] Do not try to pursue this guy and try to make him change his mind or tell him off. Or diagnose him with a personality disorder He has told you no which he is at liberty to do. Leave him be. You identified something which you see as a red flag, so move cleanly along. Edited October 13, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator civility 1
ASG Posted October 13, 2021 Posted October 13, 2021 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: Please try to not do what you usually do. Do not try to pursue this guy and try to make him change his mind or tell him off. Or diagnose him with a personality disorder He has told you no which he is at liberty to do. Leave him be. You identified something which you see as a red flag, so move cleanly along. I mean, she has already diagnosed him with moodswings... OP, you definitely prodded too much. Why would you need to "dig deeper" on anything said during a chat before you even meet?! It makes no sense. You don't need to know every single detail about anyone before you even meet! But it's done now, he's gone, and you can take a lesson for next time!
smackie9 Posted October 13, 2021 Posted October 13, 2021 Well it goes both ways. He's the one that opened that can of worms. He hinted what would be part of his personality of some degree or he wouldn't have brought it up. You already had enough info IMO opinion, you didn't need to push on the subject more. What you should have done was to make your decision to go on that date or not. You both dodged a bullet. 2
poppyfields Posted October 13, 2021 Posted October 13, 2021 (edited) I don't see this as HIM opening the door, BB asked him a direct question and he answered, honestly. >>I asked him if he tends to get moodswings to which he said he can do when stressed. He then just gave a generic ‘Patience is important in any relationship, moodswings or not!<< She took that as a negative, not sure why, we ALL get stressed from time to time, we ALL have different moods depending on the circumstances (stress, loss of a loved one, etc). It's human. This isn't necessarily a negative, it's how we manage our different moods that matters and how our partner reacts to them. By patience, sounds like he seeks peace, harmony and mutual respect for space (when needed) in his dating experiences and relationships and you BB just proved to him you are not - you are all about drama, digging, probing, high maintenance which is exactly what he does NOT want. Most people don't. Agree with others, chill out. Relax, enjoy the process of getting to know each other naturally and organically. Stop projecting negative experiences with previous men on new men you meet and date. Edited October 13, 2021 by poppyfields 9
Alpacalia Posted October 13, 2021 Posted October 13, 2021 He's right, patience is important. He thought you were too much work and you thought he was a bit moody and impatient. It's a wash. 1
Versacehottie Posted October 13, 2021 Posted October 13, 2021 wow, this microscope life is going to mess you up. Opposite of patient. And a theme of your other posts unfortunately. Dissecting things to death is going to cause the failure of you being able to get ANYTHING off the ground. don't know if you've been hurt or what exactly you are trying to control. But it's too much 4 2
Author babybrowns Posted October 13, 2021 Author Posted October 13, 2021 Thank you all for your thoughts. I am feeling pretty down tonight, I realise that I did prod a bit too much into one of this guy’s top 3 values. I guess our conversations just struck me as though he’s looking for a girl with ‘doormat tendencies’ which put me off. And as Smackie said, he is the one who brought this up and was then quickly vague about it- hard not to want to unravel that layer. In fact, when I did prod into it he even used the words “I hope I don’t scare you off but yea I do get grumpy sometimes”. If this is the case then I am glad I did dodge a bullet. I am a good-natured person and sometimes, people who are short-tempered have tried to walk all over that. Anyway he lives 3 hours away from me so not too big a loss I guess! 3
glows Posted October 13, 2021 Posted October 13, 2021 Yeah, definitely not. Grumpy? Who says that. I think you should listen to your instincts. Onwards. 2
ShyViolet Posted October 13, 2021 Posted October 13, 2021 If you're going to try and dissect someone's personality before even meeting them, you're not going to have much luck in dating. Stop over-analyzing things. Meet in person and see what kind of vibe you get from them. And you shouldn't have been talking to someone who lives 3 hours away, anyway. Complete waste of time. It's best to date locally. 8
Author babybrowns Posted October 13, 2021 Author Posted October 13, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, ShyViolet said: And you shouldn't have been talking to someone who lives 3 hours away, anyway. Complete waste of time. [ ] What rulebook is there for ‘should’ and ‘shouldn’t’ in relation to distance. My ex and I had a very happy and healthy long-distance (much farther long distance) relationship for 3 years. Also, with my lifestyle and work, long distance is the only type of relationship that works well with it. Edited October 13, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator civility
poppyfields Posted October 13, 2021 Posted October 13, 2021 (edited) 39 minutes ago, babybrowns said: I guess our conversations just struck me as though he’s looking for a girl with ‘doormat tendencies’ which put me off.. BB, you're entitled to assume whatever you want about a person, or sense whatever you want, but please understand in all likelihood this^ was you projecting negative experiences from your past on to him. He didn't "hint" at anything, you asked a direct question. He answered. Him responding that patience is important and he has a tendency to be "grumpy" sometimes, good gawd the man is human! And again, you were digging and probing, my guess is he felt "put on the spot," pressured, the entire convo most likely turned him OFF as it would most men. There is nothing in his response that would suggest he is looking for a 'doormat,' not even sure how you came up with that? Pure projection on your part imho. That said, this was an epic fail no matter how you slice and dice it, so good you have nexted each other. There are no "perfect" people. Edited October 13, 2021 by poppyfields 7
glows Posted October 13, 2021 Posted October 13, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, babybrowns said: [ ] What rulebook is there for ‘should’ and ‘shouldn’t’ in relation to distance. My ex and I had a very happy and healthy long-distance (much farther long distance) relationship for 3 years. Also, with my lifestyle and work, long distance is the only type of relationship that works well with it. Are you looking for exclusively LD relationships? This is unusual. You're entitled to do whatever you want of course but be prepared to run into issues. LD means you don't have the advantage of meeting someone and resolving issues in person. You might find a lot of people who hide behind their screens for less than savoury intentions so be careful. Edited October 13, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
poppyfields Posted October 13, 2021 Posted October 13, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, babybrowns said: What rulebook is there for ‘should’ and ‘shouldn’t’ in relation to distance. My ex and I had a very happy and healthy long-distance (much farther long distance) relationship for 3 years. Then why did you post this? >>Anyway he lives 3 hours away from me so not too big a loss I guess! Which suggests it was somewhat of a negative. I think perhaps (in part) that is what ShyViolet was responding to.. I thought the same thing. Edited October 13, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
ShyViolet Posted October 13, 2021 Posted October 13, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, babybrowns said: What rulebook is there for ‘should’ and ‘shouldn’t’ in relation to distance. My ex and I had a very happy and healthy long-distance (much farther long distance) relationship for 3 years. Also, with my lifestyle and work, long distance is the only type of relationship that works well with it. Obviously you can do whatever you want and there are no "rules". But there are certain things that are just foolish to enter into. Like pursuing a person who lives very far away from you. You are signing up for wasting a lot of time traveling and not having many opportunities to see them in person. "Long distance" is the only type of relationship that works well with your lifestyle? That is a very strange statement and I'm not sure what that means. If you don't have time to date, and you only have time for a pen pal/online buddy, then just come out and say that. Edited October 13, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator edited quote 2
ExpatInItaly Posted October 13, 2021 Posted October 13, 2021 1 hour ago, babybrowns said: I guess our conversations just struck me as though he’s looking for a girl with ‘doormat tendencies’ which put me off. This is projection on your part. You are going to struggle in dating if you're this quick to leap to conclusions. 3
Author babybrowns Posted October 13, 2021 Author Posted October 13, 2021 (edited) 26 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: This is projection on your part. You are going to struggle in dating if you're this quick to leap to conclusions. It may well be the case. But it did feel to me that to be told so early on, something along the lines of “I am setting the expectation here and now that you’ll grin and bear my bad days no matter how nasty I get”- sent alarm bells ringing. I do think that if this were not a big part of his day to day personality, he wouldn’t have brought it up as his top 3 requirements in dating- especially so early on. When in his own words he was worried about “scaring me off” when he made these confessions, and yet still chose to make them. Those who are thinking I might be projecting past experiences onto this, yes this might partly be it. The last guy I dated also had ‘confessions’ to get off his chest on our first date, which although he trivialised at the time, ended up being a *very* big part of his life, and eventually ripped us apart when they started taking hold of his life. I do feel that when a man chooses to bring something up to a potential love interest so early on, he needs that thing to be accepted just as he needs to be accepted by her as a whole. It’s a big part of who he is and he needs to know she’ll stand for it. I’m not going to stand to be someone’s doormat. Edited October 13, 2021 by babybrowns
ExpatInItaly Posted October 13, 2021 Posted October 13, 2021 I think you are taking a fairly innocuous conversation way too seriously. But anyway, it seems it was a dealbreaker for you both. Not much choice but to keep moving since it's clear he is not interested anymore anyway.
Author babybrowns Posted October 13, 2021 Author Posted October 13, 2021 5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I think you are taking a fairly innocuous conversation way too seriously. But anyway, it seems it was a dealbreaker for you both. Not much choice but to keep moving since it's clear he is not interested anymore anyway. Well I was the one who started on the “I don’t think I’m the one for you!” Which made him go away as he called me judgmental. I do not want to be someone’s doormat and I’m glad I did have the sense to see the red flag when it came. 1
Versacehottie Posted October 13, 2021 Posted October 13, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, babybrowns said: Thank you all for your thoughts. I am feeling pretty down tonight, I realise that I did prod a bit too much into one of this guy’s top 3 values. I guess our conversations just struck me as though he’s looking for a girl with ‘doormat tendencies’ which put me off. And as Smackie said, he is the one who brought this up and was then quickly vague about it- hard not to want to unravel that layer. In fact, when I did prod into it he even used the words “I hope I don’t scare you off but yea I do get grumpy sometimes”. If this is the case then I am glad I did dodge a bullet. I am a good-natured person and sometimes, people who are short-tempered have tried to walk all over that. Anyway he lives 3 hours away from me so not too big a loss I guess! Sorry you are feeling down....you do realize that feeling this way is, in large part, your own doing though, right? Here's the thing: you are not going to be able to SEE and determine with much or total accuracy on the basis of a simple innocuous sentence on a dating profile what the outcome of a relationship or even a date will be. You can't really say with certainty that you dodged a bullet or his loss or even any of that other b.s. designed to make a person feel better about the avoidance tactics and self-sabotage they have. No one can make you be a doormat if you are not being one or are not one. That discussion is even down the line, like much further like at least date 3 haha. What you need to do is just go on a date or dates to find out what people are about. Would you want every part and parcel of your words and actions prior to meeting to be dissected to this length? It doesn't allow anyone a fair chance. You also are trying to make things so perfect with the "analysis" that you are making yourself completely powerless. Here's what I would suggest in the future: go on the first date and you can pull the plug at any time if the gathering of more real life and reality-based evidence tells you, indeed, that a person is looking for a doormat or not for you in general. Lastly i would say if you are going to analyze that your skills in that department are hyper-sensitive and poorly-tuned. From his statement, I take it much less that he's looking for a doormat but more so that he's not a fast mover in relationships or maybe shuts down emotionally or has trouble expressing himself with a girlfriend and doesn't want to be dinged for it, ie it probably says more about his past relationships and himself than anything. Is it self-aware and improving/willing to work on it or a red flag that he mentioned it? There is sooo not enough information at this time from one sentence that you do yourself a disservice in trying to figure it out beforehand with an elimination round!. Just go and gather info. It's that simple. It's not a master's thesis. Edited October 13, 2021 by Versacehottie 3
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