is love something that exists or we need to get to know each other and work for it?

[jenny 73]

I am seeing someone I really like. He is nice and we have been dating for 4 months. A while ago, I talked with him and told him i like him and want to explore things further. He said the same thing and i made sure he also likes me. We haven't called it a relationship yet. A week after, I asked him to join me in a friends birthday party and he came and it was fun. I think we are getting to know each other and are on a good pace but my cousin said if i am in love I need to be literally melting. So maybe he is not the one, as much as I don't want to, this statement has impacted my mind and now I wonder if he like me the way I do or not. I think he has been nice and he is not specifically expressive but I think he likes me.... not sure melting? please help! 

[FMW]

Feeling like you are "literally melting" is what happens with a strong crush or being in lust, not in love (in my opinion).

If you both have the desire to keep seeing each other then do, don't make decisions based on someone else's definitions or rules. 

Not everyone has the same time-frame for progressing in a relationship, and not everyone's experience of being in love is the same.  Relax and enjoy.

 

 

[jenny 73]

12 minutes ago, FMW said:

Feeling like you are "literally melting" is what happens with a strong crush or being in lust, not in love (in my opinion).

If you both have the desire to keep seeing each other then do, don't make decisions based on someone else's definitions or rules. 

Not everyone has the same time-frame for progressing in a relationship, and not everyone's experience of being in love is the same.  Relax and enjoy.

 

 

Thank you for this comment, I am just a bit low-confident and haven't been in relationships forever, so i started thinking maybe he should have been much more into me. I think he is though, he has been open to anything so far and we are exclusive. 

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, jenny 73 said:

Thank you for this comment, I am just a bit low-confident and haven't been in relationships forever, so i started thinking maybe he should have been much more into me. I think he is though, he has been open to anything so far and we are exclusive. 

It's untrue that melting means love. It’s pure lust/ attraction and longing for attention.  It’s not love.

 

he might be thinking you are just friends so it’s not going anywhere.

Edited October 13, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[ironpony]

When I asked my gf at what point she fell in love with me, she said right after the first date.  That's a lot sooner compared when I fell in love with her, but I guess it's technically possible?

[dramafreezone]

You don't need to define your relationship by what others say or even by what you've experienced in the past.  Every relationship is its own thing.

Just go with it and see what happens.

[Daisydooks]

Some take things slower than others. I get the idea you have no idea where he stands with regards to his feelings and youre not even sure yourself but also sounds like youre enjoying each other and doing so exclusively. 

I say if you have the time, just keep enjoying each other and see how things grow. 

 

[jenny 73]

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

It's untrue that melting means love. It’s pure lust/ attraction and longing for attention.  It’s not love.

 

he might be thinking you are just friends so it’s not going anywhere.

who are you referring to? my cousin or date?

[chillii]

Of course it exists , it can blow your mind day one or come slowly over time or do anything in between, anyone saying different has never really been in love. Just go with it if it's feeling right, time will reveal all. lf it isn't then it probably just isn't.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, jenny 73 said:

 my cousin said if i am in love I need to be literally melting. 

"Like" and "explore things further" are very vague terms.

Don't you think it's odd that after dating 4 mos "like" and "explore things further" is as far as you've gotten? Usually after a date or two that can be determined.

The question is are you happy with him? You seem incompatible or not that interested in him.

Is this arranged dating? Where you are set up and supposed to find a way to fall in love?

You seem quite nebulous as to what you want and what this is.

What exactly is it? Hanging out? Friends? Hoping for a relationship to happen?

What are you talking about to your cousin? That would make her come up with that?

Are you trying to say there's just no chemistry after months of dating?

The most important thing is if you are both happy with the dating and enjoy each other.

It sounds like your cousin thinks this needs to be like a Hollywood movie. How old is she?

Edited October 13, 2021 by Wiseman2

[glows]

7 hours ago, jenny 73 said:

I am seeing someone I really like. He is nice and we have been dating for 4 months. A while ago, I talked with him and told him i like him and want to explore things further. He said the same thing and i made sure he also likes me. We haven't called it a relationship yet. A week after, I asked him to join me in a friends birthday party and he came and it was fun. I think we are getting to know each other and are on a good pace but my cousin said if i am in love I need to be literally melting. So maybe he is not the one, as much as I don't want to, this statement has impacted my mind and now I wonder if he like me the way I do or not. I think he has been nice and he is not specifically expressive but I think he likes me.... not sure melting? please help! 

Well, maybe you have a higher melting point. If you enjoy each others' company, that's all that matters. Keep doing that and have fun.

[Blind-Sided]

12 hours ago, FMW said:

Feeling like you are "literally melting" is what happens with a strong crush or being in lust, not in love (in my opinion).

yep... this.

If you have that strong of feelings before really getting to know someone... then you will burn out before building a strong relationship.  Besides... people "Love" differently... some people swoon, and feel overwhelmed with emotions.  Some people are just happy inside, and feel comfortable when they are with the one they love.  

[jenny 73]

17 hours ago, ironpony said:

When I asked my gf at what point she fell in love with me, she said right after the first date.  That's a lot sooner compared when I fell in love with her, but I guess it's technically possible?

do you mind if I ask when you fell in love with her?

[jenny 73]

13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

"Like" and "explore things further" are very vague terms.

Don't you think it's odd that after dating 4 mos "like" and "explore things further" is as far as you've gotten? Usually after a date or two that can be determined.

The question is are you happy with him? You seem incompatible or not that interested in him.

Is this arranged dating? Where you are set up and supposed to find a way to fall in love?

You seem quite nebulous as to what you want and what this is.

What exactly is it? Hanging out? Friends? Hoping for a relationship to happen?

What are you talking about to your cousin? That would make her come up with that?

Are you trying to say there's just no chemistry after months of dating?

The most important thing is if you are both happy with the dating and enjoy each other.

It sounds like your cousin thinks this needs to be like a Hollywood movie. How old is she?

I definitely think there is chemistry and yeah i am looking for a relationship. I am happy and enjoying his company and it seems he does to as he joins me and asks me out too. We are only seeing each other also. I just don't know if as you said this is enough from his side. He said he wants to continue and see where things go and seems happy but not like literally melting happy!!!!!! also this is not arranged, no. 

[jenny 73]

12 hours ago, glows said:

Well, maybe you have a higher melting point. If you enjoy each others' company, that's all that matters. Keep doing that and have fun.

LOVED your comment about melting point. Hope you are doing well!

Yeah, it is just has been such a long time for me since last relationship that I am not even sure what my melting point is!!

[glows]

2 minutes ago, jenny 73 said:

LOVED your comment about melting point. Hope you are doing well!

Yeah, it is just has been such a long time for me since last relationship that I am not even sure what my melting point is!!

You're fortunate to find someone whom you like and vice versa, what more enjoy the company of that person. I think your cousin was trying to be helpful but everyone has their own ideas about love. It's all part of the journey. Savour it. 

[jenny 73]

11 hours ago, glows said:

You're fortunate to find someone whom you like and vice versa, what more enjoy the company of that person. I think your cousin was trying to be helpful but everyone has their own ideas about love. It's all part of the journey. Savour it. 

Hi Glow  I did not see a way to message you to ask this in private but it is been a while since you have been replying to my questions and being very kind and helpful! I was curious if we could be friends and chat sometime maybe? not sure if you live where I do but please message me if interested! thanks 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, jenny 73 said:

 I was curious if we could be friends. 

Do you have trusted friends and family nearby you can talk to?

How is your life otherwise as far as school, working, interests, hobbies, sports, volunteering, etc?

Do you have friends and family you can trust and confide in who have met him and seen you two together?

How old is this cousin who thinks it's not intense enough? 

Do you feel it is? Is this your first BF? 

You seem to like each other and things are going well. So what is the real problem with him?  You claimed after 4 mos that you "hardly know him" because he doesn't talk about himself a lot.

Have you met many of his friends and family? Does he work, go to school, have interests, hobbies, sports, etc?

What do you have in common that you can talk about? Do you ask him what movies, food, music he likes? Do you know what his goals are in life?

Maybe you're too fixated on rom-com type stuff and not really paying attention to him as a person, therefore feel "you don't really know him".

[smackie9]

For me I find it odd that after 4 months it's still like the first date. Now you are wondering where the progress is, where's the lust/passion/can't wait to see each other, the "you hang up, no you hang up first", googly eyes, expression of how makes you feel, ohhhhh I miss you so much, so glad I have you in my life, etc. Maybe he's waiting for you to show more, before he does, and until then he's playing it cool.

 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

For me I find it odd that after 4 months it's still like the first date.

Agree. It is odd after 16 weeks exclusive regular dating that you've only gotten as far as "like" and "explore things further". A thought most have after one  coffee meet.

[jenny 73]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. It is odd after 16 weeks exclusive regular dating that you've only gotten as far as "like" and "explore things further". A thought most have after one  coffee meet.

the exclusivity chat was two weeks ago, and we only see each other once a week, and stopped a month in between due to some accident (I had to do a surgery)

[jenny 73]

14 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

For me I find it odd that after 4 months it's still like the first date. Now you are wondering where the progress is, where's the lust/passion/can't wait to see each other, the "you hang up, no you hang up first", googly eyes, expression of how makes you feel, ohhhhh I miss you so much, so glad I have you in my life, etc. Maybe he's waiting for you to show more, before he does, and until then he's playing it cool.

 

I wouldnt say it is like the first date..... it is just we havent been dating all the time these 4 months. I miss him and have these feelings, when I tell him he reciprocates..but he wouldnt  initiate acting in love or interested as much, he says he is terrible in words of affirmation, a bit shy and generally quiet.

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, jenny 73 said:

he wouldnt  initiate acting in love or interested as much

What does this mean?  Actions speak louder than words so if he's good to you, takes you on dates, is loyal and caring then being a cheerleader is not as important.

Don't string him along anymore since you don't seem to be compatible or care for him too much.

You and your cousin both agree that a Disney romance is what you want.

It seems you need someone who talks a lot and compliments you. He's just not your type if you are this confused and lukewarm after this long.

 

[stillafool]

On 10/12/2021 at 6:51 PM, jenny 73 said:

A while ago, I talked with him and told him i like him and want to explore things further. He said the same thing and i made sure he also likes me. We haven't called it a relationship yet.

You are asking about his feelings for you when it seems you both have expressed you "like" one another.  Now it seems that you want more in terms of feelings from him yet your feelings are matching his with the "likes".  For me I "like" my friends and other people.  I normally am in love with a person I'm dating.  If he's hanging out with you of course he "likes" you because people don't hang around people they don't like.  I think you want more than "like" but are not expressing more yourself.

[FMW]

For me, 4 months is still early, and certainly not the point at which you have to know if you're in love or start saying it.  Not everyone is talking love within a month (or even 4).

It sounds like you both are interested, but you only see each other once a week (why?) and took a month off.  So that's approximately 10 dates.  Start spending more time together and your feelings will be clearer.  For me, relationships need shared time and experiences to progress (phone and text don't equal physical time together).  I'm not going to feel too close to someone I see only once a week.  Maybe he's the same.

If you have a deadline you want to meet or if you're interested in someone else, move on.  If you want to keep seeing him, step up the frequency and decide whether or not there's a reason to keep going with it.