poppyfields Posted October 12, 2021 Posted October 12, 2021 (edited) 29 minutes ago, ASG said: Some people are just really bad with money... I know many people who earn more than I do who are in constant debt. Where did all their money go? They couldn't even tell you. Expensive trainers here, loads of takeaways there, just going with every impulse... I'm not saying that this is what is happening to this guy, I have no clue, but it's also not fair to assume he has a nice stash of money somewhere just because he lives at home. True but how do account for his desire to have sex, first time sex, in the CAR? That's what irks me the most. Living at home, well could be many reasons including saving for own home (possibly) but making a conscious decision to "do it" in a cramped car, when he could easily afford an inexpensive motel room, that's simply beyond the pale imo. I would not have. And after only 8 dates in, him suggesting it might have even been a deal-breaker. To the OP, did YOU suggest a motel room? $50.00. You could have split it if he was too cheap to pay the entire $50 tab. If not, why not? Whole thing sounds seriously off imho. Edited October 12, 2021 by poppyfields 5
Wiseman2 Posted October 12, 2021 Posted October 12, 2021 2 hours ago, DelarosaKandy said: I could have patience, but his game plan seems flimsy. Agree: 1
Allupinnit Posted October 12, 2021 Posted October 12, 2021 44 minutes ago, ASG said: Some people are just really bad with money... I know many people who earn more than I do who are in constant debt. Where did all their money go? They couldn't even tell you. Expensive trainers here, loads of takeaways there, just going with every impulse... I'm not saying that this is what is happening to this guy, I have no clue, but it's also not fair to assume he has a nice stash of money somewhere just because he lives at home. 100% agree. But, if he's THAT bad with money, that's a red flag all unto itself. Sounds like the OP has a plan to move out, whereas the guy doesn't. Men who have never lived alone IMHO wouldn't make good partners, because, well, how do you learn how to "adult" if not for having to hack it out in the big bad world? Who does his laundry? Does he know how to live with a budget? Can he cook, grocery shop? Does he know how to get utilities in his name? Does he save? Does he wash his sheets? What does the bathroom look like? All sorts of things you get a feel for when you see how a man lives. He couldn't even spring for a hotel room. But to be fair, the downside to THAT is you might feel like an escort or that you're having an affair because you can't go to each other's homes. That would be so weird to me. He's 32, not right out of college. Something feels really off and like the OP doesn't have the whole story. He might be married for all we know. 1
Allupinnit Posted October 12, 2021 Posted October 12, 2021 OP are there any signs that he could be married? I'm wondering what culture he is from if alllll of those adults live together with their children. 1
Daisydooks Posted October 12, 2021 Posted October 12, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, ASG said: Some people are just comfortable at home. My brother didn't move out until he was 30, and he could have moved out much sooner. But he just decided that 30 was his time. I have another friend who is in his 40s and has never moved out. His parents ended up moving out to retire to the countryside. You need to decide what you feel comfortable with. Obviously, once YOU move out, things will be easier. He might be worth sticking it out for. But again, it is for you to decide! Or she could get her own place and he will move himself in. Lol. Be careful OP. I am now of the mindset, having NOT done this myself, that people should live alone at least once in their lives. Even when you get your own place, require him to do the same before ever cohabitation happens. I didnt do this with my ex and I was a mess in my late 20s finally figuring out how to stand on my own 2 feet ALONE. It was a must and Im sad I didnt make it a must much earlier in life. Even with my H, we planned our move in for an entire year before we finally did it and lived separately for 4 years of dating. Dont move in with him because of financial reasons. Ever. Edited October 12, 2021 by Daisydooks 3
vwisme Posted October 12, 2021 Posted October 12, 2021 (edited) I think the biggest red flag is his lack of planning. I'm of the mindset that roommates are okay given that there's privacy. Him living with his parents could be a golden ticket if he was making, saving, and investing that money. I had a friend who lived with his parents but made well into mid 6 figures. Him nor his family saw a reason for him to move out as he had his own private area, entrance/exit, etc. It sounds like he has no drive/initiative or foresight. Or may need more time to grow up. Edit: Also, ya'll may just be incompatible. I had another friend once who had roommates and the girl he was seeing decided he had no drive since he lived with others. Unfortunately she didn't know he lived rent free because he owned that house and was buying two more. Edited October 12, 2021 by vwisme 1
glows Posted October 12, 2021 Posted October 12, 2021 You seem uncomfortable so don't keep seeing him. The circumstances aren't what you're looking for so move on along. There's no need to break him apart. Just go your separate ways and perhaps spend more time focusing on your own goals. When you're feeling better about yourself I don't think these things would matter - you would automatically move onto the next match who is at the same stage in life that you are. It is ok to wish each other well and not be in a relationship if it's not the right time for you. OR, date someone else with the background or circumstances that makes up for what you do not have in yours. I'm sure there will be other matches who find you likeable and attractive and will want to date you regardless of where you live.
Author DelarosaKandy Posted October 12, 2021 Author Posted October 12, 2021 3 hours ago, Allupinnit said: Seriously!!! Is this how he dated all through his 20's, now going into his 30's??? Well we went out to nice restaurants and dancing a lot too and he paid for everyyyyyything, so we had a ton of fun on our dates. IMO I don’t think he has enough sense to also plan out a hotel stay. He wasn’t sexually aggressive at all, I made the first move. But, we ended things today. After reading these responses it was making me even more unsure and uncomfortable with the situation. When I brought up the possibility of staying at an Airbnb for the weekend, he said he had too much work to do an entire weekend. So I mentioned just one night he asked why we’d get a room for “just one night” if we’re not actually going somewhere. I decided to be direct and tell him the car is not an option. It’s a comfortable bed in a comfortable space or nothing at all. I could tell he became very very defensive after that started saying weird things like all of us are “figuring life out” and “nobody can afford housing anymore” and there was “no reason to rent an Airbnb, I was being high maintenance. He turned into a completely different person just because I said no more car stuff. To me, because I said no more car sex until one of us is situated, I think is the same as me saying no forever. He got super mean and nasty afterwards toward me telling me that “other girls have never minded it.” So I’m done. Thank y’all for the advice. This was an eye opener. 2 1 3
glows Posted October 12, 2021 Posted October 12, 2021 8 minutes ago, DelarosaKandy said: He got super mean and nasty afterwards toward me telling me that “other girls have never minded it.” So I’m done. Thank y’all for the advice. This was an eye opener. Glad you ended it. He doesn't sound pleasant at all. 1
ASG Posted October 12, 2021 Posted October 12, 2021 17 minutes ago, DelarosaKandy said: Well we went out to nice restaurants and dancing a lot too and he paid for everyyyyyything, so we had a ton of fun on our dates. IMO I don’t think he has enough sense to also plan out a hotel stay. He wasn’t sexually aggressive at all, I made the first move. But, we ended things today. After reading these responses it was making me even more unsure and uncomfortable with the situation. When I brought up the possibility of staying at an Airbnb for the weekend, he said he had too much work to do an entire weekend. So I mentioned just one night he asked why we’d get a room for “just one night” if we’re not actually going somewhere. I decided to be direct and tell him the car is not an option. It’s a comfortable bed in a comfortable space or nothing at all. I could tell he became very very defensive after that started saying weird things like all of us are “figuring life out” and “nobody can afford housing anymore” and there was “no reason to rent an Airbnb, I was being high maintenance. He turned into a completely different person just because I said no more car stuff. To me, because I said no more car sex until one of us is situated, I think is the same as me saying no forever. He got super mean and nasty afterwards toward me telling me that “other girls have never minded it.” So I’m done. Thank y’all for the advice. This was an eye opener. I was willing to give this guy the benefit of the doubt, but I'm glad you brought it up with him, so that he could show his true colours. That he thinks having sex in the car indefinitely is a good idea is just mind boggling. And I bet you he was never with the "other girls" for that long either. Good riddance to him! But I'm sorry it turned out that way. 2
lonelyplanetmoon Posted October 12, 2021 Posted October 12, 2021 Glad you ended it! It was definitely the right choice. I know it sucks because he was the first one you’ve connected with in a while but you should not use that as a reason to settle. You deserve better than that. You can do better, so yes eave the door open. 2
chillii Posted October 12, 2021 Posted October 12, 2021 (edited) You've only been on 8dates. So as far as him living at home atm well he's been single l suppose so why not if he can hack it, save a fortune . But he's not gonna go changing his life just yet if you've only been out 8 times and you don't even sound close anyway. lt's obviously something you'd be figuring out together pretty soon though if it is gonna go anywhere and he'd be getting outa there. Until then you can get creative or use hotels or whatever so what, make some fun out of it. lf that's all it takes to make you both throw it away though otherwise then it's obviously not the love of the century and none of it's even gonna matter anyway. Edited October 12, 2021 by chillii 1
Alvi Posted October 12, 2021 Posted October 12, 2021 1 hour ago, DelarosaKandy said: When I brought up the possibility of staying at an Airbnb for the weekend, he said he had too much work to do an entire weekend. So I mentioned just one night he asked why we’d get a room for “just one night” if we’re not actually going somewhere. I decided to be direct and tell him the car is not an option. Are you sure he is actually single? He could be very well be married. Or at least engaged or has a steady girlfriend. Or maybe he is controlled too much by his parents. Something just doesn't add up. 4
Daisydooks Posted October 13, 2021 Posted October 13, 2021 3 hours ago, DelarosaKandy said: Well we went out to nice restaurants and dancing a lot too and he paid for everyyyyyything, so we had a ton of fun on our dates. IMO I don’t think he has enough sense to also plan out a hotel stay. He wasn’t sexually aggressive at all, I made the first move. But, we ended things today. After reading these responses it was making me even more unsure and uncomfortable with the situation. When I brought up the possibility of staying at an Airbnb for the weekend, he said he had too much work to do an entire weekend. So I mentioned just one night he asked why we’d get a room for “just one night” if we’re not actually going somewhere. I decided to be direct and tell him the car is not an option. It’s a comfortable bed in a comfortable space or nothing at all. I could tell he became very very defensive after that started saying weird things like all of us are “figuring life out” and “nobody can afford housing anymore” and there was “no reason to rent an Airbnb, I was being high maintenance. He turned into a completely different person just because I said no more car stuff. To me, because I said no more car sex until one of us is situated, I think is the same as me saying no forever. He got super mean and nasty afterwards toward me telling me that “other girls have never minded it.” So I’m done. Thank y’all for the advice. This was an eye opener. "Im not other girls. Peace out, bro!" You werent asking for him to figure his life out (as you know it would be hypocritical of you,) and didn't tell him he didnt have his life figured out. You said no to having sex in a car FFS! LOL. What? Glad you dodged this bullet, girl! Good for you. 1
chillii Posted October 13, 2021 Posted October 13, 2021 Damn , didn't even bother reading this page or see op's last. But eh, as l said it obviously wasn't like it was the love of the century or something.
Wiseman2 Posted October 13, 2021 Posted October 13, 2021 8 hours ago, DelarosaKandy said: I could tell he became very very defensive after that started saying weird things like all of us are “figuring life out” and “nobody can afford housing anymore” and there was “no reason to rent an Airbnb, I was being high maintenance. So I’m done. . Excellent. He's a real weirdo. 3
vwisme Posted October 13, 2021 Posted October 13, 2021 14 hours ago, DelarosaKandy said: He got super mean and nasty afterwards Oof. That's truly unfortunate. Sounds like he was hiding something or was deeply insecure about it. This could have been a moment to bond but seems like he took it as an attack. You made the right decision. Best of luck moving forward. 2
Author DelarosaKandy Posted October 16, 2021 Author Posted October 16, 2021 On 10/12/2021 at 4:40 PM, Alvi said: Are you sure he is actually single? He could be very well be married. Or at least engaged or has a steady girlfriend. Or maybe he is controlled too much by his parents. Something just doesn't add up. I got this impression too!!! Because of how defensive and weird he got when j mentioned going out for an entire weekend to an Airbnb. I know I’m going to sound cuckoo but I looked up his phone number (our numbers show a lot of intonation nowadays) and nope. It shows he’s on his family’s plan and that he lives in a 3 bedroom home wth his parents & 4 other siblings. Unless it’s outdated, it seems like he might have been double bunking with a sibling. And that was not very sexy. I think he was just a really insecure guy. But, now I’ll be looking for someone more compatible who is a little more settled too or at least has some goals in mind. Thanks everyone for the advice. 2 1
Trail Blazer Posted October 17, 2021 Posted October 17, 2021 It sounds like he's in no position to be dating, but then it doesn't sound like you are, either. I'd be way too embarrassed to date if I were him. When sex in the car is your only option, you know you need to change something in your life! It's interesting that you find it a turn off that he's in such a position, yet he couldn't care less about your very similar situation. He's just happy to get his ends wet wherever he can. Men and women are very different beasts.
Katkats7777 Posted October 18, 2021 Posted October 18, 2021 Red flags! He's 32 year old man???? Can't he find 1 single buddy to rent an apartment with? I could understand if he's a 22 year old college student. Sounds fishy to me. 2
Noproblem Posted October 18, 2021 Posted October 18, 2021 (edited) Lol this guy is cheap and stingy, I won't date him at all. No, I lived with parents during studying and had to move away because of grad school, I understand living with parents to save up money. However, he is working, he is not studying, so no excuse at all! He just wanna use up his mom and dad till the end and he is so cheap and stingy that he didn't even book a nice hotel room. A car sex! Is that what you are reduced to, what if a cop caught you both and you get into the system for having public sex! He is not worth it! For all we know, he could be married with 4 kids, not 4 siblings! To be clear I would have defended him and told you you too were living with a family, had he not attempted the car sex and just chose a nice hotel room until you both have a nice decent place! I don't know, first time with a person should be in a nice clean place, not car or I don't know where! Edited October 18, 2021 by Noproblem
Interstellar Posted October 18, 2021 Posted October 18, 2021 so you can’t wait to really get to know him first and until after marriage to make your kissing legal? i kid, i kid. everyone needs to get their things out of the way i guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ it sounds like a culture thing with his parents and family. you should suggest to him these latest in technology comfort they call motels or hotels. and maybe every once in a while he can surprise you in a nice, hotel like the w.
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