Guy I'm dating still lives with parents, red flag?

[DelarosaKandy]

I’m 28. Guy I’m dating is 32 and we met online dating. He’s the first guy in the last year who I have clicked with personality wise. He’s smart, witty, funny, cute, and seems to be responsible (from what he tells me.) He went to college and got both his BA and Masters degree in economics and business. He said the reason he lives with his parents (which he admitted on the first date) is because he was finishing up school and needed to get his foot in the door of his career, which I understood. I just graduated college in January and had been laid off due to COVID so I’m still stuck renting a room from a family member until I catch up on my finances again. But I just got a new job in June & now I’m saving up to move out ASAP. 

as for him, he works at the administrative department at a local university as a budget analyst and his goal is to eventually work for the city doing the same thing. Everything seemed good so far. 
 

Saturday night was our 8th date & going into out 2nd month of dating and we still hadn’t done anything sexually but we’ve both been wanting to. Long story short, we hooked up in his car and it was alll bad. It was extremely uncomfortable and cars kept flashing by and we had to stop. I asked him if we could just go to his house in the future. We can’t go to mine because this family member is a foster mom and has several foster kids living in the house so it’s a big no-no. 
When I asked him he said no because he lives with his parents AND about 4 of his siblings still live there with some of THEIR kids in the house so there’s absolutely no privacy, and it would be disrespectful to the family. 
he literally said either we could do hotels once in a while or it’s gonna be the car. There are no other options till one of us moves out. 
When I asked him how long till he moves out he said he was hoping for next summer but it might be another year. And he let it slip that he’s actually been working at his current job for 2.5 years now. So idk how he hasn’t been able to move out yet, honestly. 
 

Now I’m a little wary of him and a little bit turned off too. I know I’m not in a place to judge but I’m 4 years younger and if I hadn’t been laid off, I would’ve been out this November (my original plan.) My ex boyfriend was 26 and he rented a house with 1 other roommate so I basically lived there half the time. So this is a new area for me…

Even though I love this guys personality and he makes me laugh, I’m very wary of his living situation. I’m wondering whether he does live with parents? Whether we will have to have car sex for the next year? Whether he’ll be one of those guys who will try to move in with ME when I move out? 
Is this a red flag? Do I leave? Or do I directly tell him I don’t want car sex and see how we maneuver from there? 

 

[Daisydooks]

Id tell him you dont want car sex. Its awful, painful in most cases and not at all enjoyable.  Lol. If he has been at his job gor 2.5 years AND lives at home still, ideally he can afford a hotel room for the evening every few weeks?

I personally wouldnt keep dating this guy. One of my requirements when dating was that a man have his own place. I didnt wanna date someone with roommates or who still lived with mom and dad. Now, with that said, I also lived alone and had my own space with no roommates at this time so I felt it was a fair ask on my part. If youre not independent yet either, (I understand this world is HARD right now) then its hard to be hypocritical. 

It is OK for you to say no to sex you do not want to have. 

If you like him and want to see where this goes you could also rent  a hotel room or an AirBNB for the weekend? Sex could be bad in a hotel room too so weed him out early

[DelarosaKandy]

1 hour ago, Daisydooks said:

Id tell him you dont want car sex. Its awful, painful in most cases and not at all enjoyable.  Lol. If he has been at his job gor 2.5 years AND lives at home still, ideally he can afford a hotel room for the evening every few weeks?

I personally wouldnt keep dating this guy. One of my requirements when dating was that a man have his own place. I didnt wanna date someone with roommates or who still lived with mom and dad. Now, with that said, I also lived alone and had my own space with no roommates at this time so I felt it was a fair ask on my part. If youre not independent yet either, (I understand this world is HARD right now) then its hard to be hypocritical. 

It is OK for you to say no to sex you do not want to have. 

If you like him and want to see where this goes you could also rent  a hotel room or an AirBNB for the weekend? Sex could be bad in a hotel room too so weed him out early

 Ahaha I LOVE that!

You win already. I do like him & the car sex was soooo bad I can’t even gauge how he usually is either. So yes. I think maybe Airbnb or hotel next time. 

[basil67]

I agree that you are not in a place to judge.   And I notice that there's nothing in here about you contributing to the cost of hotel rooms...

[DKT3]

In a lot of cultures,  its common to stay with the parents until marriage.  If his family is from one of those cultures then him staying home while saving money probably wouldn't be a red flag.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, DelarosaKandy said:

, we hooked up in his car and it was alll bad. It was extremely uncomfortable and cars kept flashing by and we had to stop. 

Is this a red flag? Do I leave? 

There's a lot of red flags . While you have plans professionally and to get your own place, he's still living off mom and dad in his thirties.

If you continue with him, he'll just camp out at your place for sex, then go back home to mom and dad.

It's just 8 weeks. The sex is lousy, he's in Neverland  so just cut your losses. Have you read the book "Peter Pan Syndrome"?

Don't waste money on motel sex, if the sex is bad why pay for it?

Edited October 12, 2021 by Wiseman2

[ShyViolet]

It's pretty hypocritical of you to consider this a "red flag" when you are also living with a "family member" and don't have your own place either.  Why is it not ok for him, but it's ok for you... but whatever

If it turns you off though, just stop seeing him.

[Foxhall]

10 hours ago, DelarosaKandy said:

Saturday night was our 8th date & going into out 2nd month of dating and we still hadn’t done anything sexually but we’ve both been wanting to. Long story short, we hooked up in his car and it was alll bad

This does'nt sound too classy, you deserve to be romanced honey and treated to a special get together.

[Ami1uwant]

Given Covid and job losses, staying at home with parents or sharing an apartment is not an issue.

 

if he’s 32, how old are his parents? 60+, about to retire?  Maybe he needs to watch over them.

 

years ago u dated a woman who was in her mid 30s.  She lived in her parents home with her mom who was near 70. Her father had died and her mom needed some assistance in living.  She was the youngest and single/ no kids so she did this. She also was living closest to where her parents home was and where she worked.

[kendahke]

10 hours ago, DelarosaKandy said:

I’m not in a place to judge but I’m 4 years younger and if I hadn’t been laid off,

But you were... and that's the reality. So you're in your family member's house just like he is.

If you want sex, then you're going to either have to purchase an RV or tear-drop camper and park it in your parent's driveway or drive it to a camping area and have at it or set aside money for hotel rentals.

Or work 2-3 more jobs to amass the $$ to afford your own apartment.

Quote

My ex boyfriend was 26 and he rented a house with 1 other roommate

He's not your ex and the rental market has gone through the roof in the last 20 months. Maybe you need to go work things out with your ex?

Quote

so I basically lived there half the time

Rent free? It sounds like you're looking for him to foot your living arrangement. The fact that you working more jobs to amass the money for your own place hasn't occurred to you is alarming.

Edited October 12, 2021 by kendahke

[ASG]

Maybe he's saving up to BUY, not rent. That can take a while, depending on where you live and the kind of job you have. 

Also, in some cultures, you pay your parents rent to live there, after a certain age, making it less easy to save.

And you are LITERALLY in the same position! You cannot judge! 

During the pandemic I moved back in with my parents. I had no other choice. This even involved a whole move from a different country! At some point I started to go out with this guy. About my age. Also living with his parents. Because he couldnt afford to live on his own, despite working a lot (he has a son, and pays his fair share in child support, which leaves not that much for the extortionate renting prices in my hometown).

Having sex was NOT easy! Because we were both stuck! So we would make out in the car and then go home. Every once in a while parents would be away or a friend would let us use their house. I also bought a house in during that time, but it needed complete renovations and that took a while to happen, but we did go there once to have sex on the floor... do not recommend, it's only barely above car sex! We never really talked about hotels, cause it was more of casual thing, not proper dating. But I would have been willing to do that! 
 

Obviously, you do you. At the end of the day, you're the one dating this guy. But it is a bit fresh to demand of him something you can't offer yourself. 

[Allupinnit]

Doesn't sound like his living arrangements are going to change any time soon.

A 32-year-old man with a master's degree and a full-time job that he's had for 2.5 years would be more than enough for most men to make it on their own.  Why wouldn't he want somewhere he could have women over??

But, I've been out of the house since I was 17 and moving home would never be an option for me - there is always a way to figure out your independence even if it means a ramen diet at times, waiting tables, I've always figured it out.  

Has he EVER lived on his own?  I get why you moved back but it sounds (to me) like he's happy with his mediocre job that he *might* do for the city one day being cramped at home with his siblings and other family members with no privacy.  I'll never understand why grown-ass adults want to live with their parents.  

[DelarosaKandy]

1 hour ago, Allupinnit said:

Doesn't sound like his living arrangements are going to change any time soon.

A 32-year-old man with a master's degree and a full-time job that he's had for 2.5 years would be more than enough for most men to make it on their own.  Why wouldn't he want somewhere he could have women over??

But, I've been out of the house since I was 17 and moving home would never be an option for me - there is always a way to figure out your independence even if it means a ramen diet at times, waiting tables, I've always figured it out.  

Has he EVER lived on his own?  I get why you moved back but it sounds (to me) like he's happy with his mediocre job that he *might* do for the city one day being cramped at home with his siblings and other family members with no privacy.  I'll never understand why grown-ass adults want to live with their parents.  

Yes! See this is where my mindset is at. He’s not moving out any time soon. He’s also not looking to buy a home which is what i initially thought.

he’s looking to live into an apartment but is waiting on his buddy as he also needs a roommate to afford half the apartment. Which I knew about from the beginning, however he made it sound like it was gonna happen in the next few months. Then changed it when he got comfortable….
 

He also stated he might be transitioning jobs so hes trying to wait and see how things go with that job. It might be another year before he moved out, minimum. He’ll be about 33-34. 

He’s also never moved out before or lived alone. He’s always lived at home with his parents, 4 siblings, and several nieces and nephews. So he admitted he has no privacy and can’t bring anyone over. 

I lived on my own last year till COVID hit. Then I moved back in with my family member until I could save to move out. I should be out by November, January the latest and I’ve only worked for several months. For me, i love my family but I want to feel independent from them and have my own comfortable space. Whereas he’s never been Independent. 

I think he’s very comfortable where he’s at which I absolutely get. Housing is soooo expensive where we live too.

But, I’ve lived on my own and have dated guys who live on their own so this is a new area for me.

I could have patience, but his game plan seems flimsy. 

Overall, I do like his personality but just some things he’s told me and things that I’ve seen make me feel like he’s going to remain comfortable where he’s at for a while. 

Again, I liked what another user said about us renting an Airbnb for a weekend or hotel. I think it’s romantic and we can get a feel as to whether it will actually work out between us.

And to the person assuming I wasn’t going to pay half for the Airbnb or hotel, whoever said I wasn’t going to? I never said HE should pay. I said WE should go. 
WE = me + him. Not him. 

 

[DelarosaKandy]

2 hours ago, ASG said:

Maybe he's saving up to BUY, not rent. That can take a while, depending on where you live and the kind of job you have. 

Also, in some cultures, you pay your parents rent to live there, after a certain age, making it less easy to save.

And you are LITERALLY in the same position! You cannot judge! 

During the pandemic I moved back in with my parents. I had no other choice. This even involved a whole move from a different country! At some point I started to go out with this guy. About my age. Also living with his parents. Because he couldnt afford to live on his own, despite working a lot (he has a son, and pays his fair share in child support, which leaves not that much for the extortionate renting prices in my hometown).

Having sex was NOT easy! Because we were both stuck! So we would make out in the car and then go home. Every once in a while parents would be away or a friend would let us use their house. I also bought a house in during that time, but it needed complete renovations and that took a while to happen, but we did go there once to have sex on the floor... do not recommend, it's only barely above car sex! We never really talked about hotels, cause it was more of casual thing, not proper dating. But I would have been willing to do that! 
 

Obviously, you do you. At the end of the day, you're the one dating this guy. But it is a bit fresh to demand of him something you can't offer yourself. 

I feel like my positions similar to yours. I was living on my own till COVID but and then moved back in with my aunt and her daughter.
 

Honestly, if I lived on my own, this wouldn’t have even been a question. It’s only a question because I moved back home and feel unsure about it. 
 

My problem is he doesn’t seem to have a stable game plan, its all over the place and seems to change. But, I am debating patience cuz I actually like the guy. Just the circumstances are new for me. 

[smackie9]

date casually and keep your options open.

[Calmandfocused]

If you think he’s old enough to stand on his own two feet then you should apply the same standard to yourself. 
 

Why should he be the one to fix the issue? Why not you? 
 

At the end of the day he may have his excuses to live with his parents but then again so do you. 
 

 

[ASG]

19 minutes ago, DelarosaKandy said:

I feel like my positions similar to yours. I was living on my own till COVID but and then moved back in with my aunt and her daughter.
 

Honestly, if I lived on my own, this wouldn’t have even been a question. It’s only a question because I moved back home and feel unsure about it. 
 

My problem is he doesn’t seem to have a stable game plan, its all over the place and seems to change. But, I am debating patience cuz I actually like the guy. Just the circumstances are new for me. 

Some people are just comfortable at home. 
My brother didn't move out until he was 30, and he could have moved out much sooner. But he just decided that 30 was his time. I have another friend who is in his 40s and has never moved out. His parents ended up moving out to retire to the countryside. 

You need to decide what you feel comfortable with. Obviously, once YOU move out, things will be easier. He might be worth sticking it out for. But again, it is for you to decide!

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Foxhall said:

This does'nt sound too classy, you deserve to be romanced honey and treated to a special get together.

Why does she deserve to be romanced but he does not?

I agree you really have no room to talk since you live with relatives also and have never had your own place.  You are 28 not 22 so maybe you two should stop seeing each other until one of you gets your own place or decide to split all hotel costs. 

[Foxhall]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why does she deserve to be romanced but he does not?

haha maybe Im an old fashioned guy at heart,

the man, imo, should make his lady feel special, bring her for a nice weekend break at a fancy hotel,

make their first intimate occasion together something wonderful to remember,

 

[poppyfields]

Just my take but he has not moved out because he has no interest, desire, reason or motivation to move out.

He's got quite a cushy deal living at home, and re alone time and sex, it appears he's quite OK with "doing it" in the car, which imo is debasing and degrading especially considering it was your very first time! 

Had you been in an already established relationship or even just dating awhile, the car can be spontaneous and exciting but lord have mercy, for your first time together? 

And no mention of a hotel or motel? Living at home, he could certainly afford. 

Let's just do it in the car, ugh, speaks volumes really.

I can almost guarantee you once he finds a woman he actually cares about, respects and envisions a future with, he will get off his cheap arse and find his own place. 

I'm sorry and good luck. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited October 12, 2021 by poppyfields

[ASG]

1 minute ago, Foxhall said:

haha maybe Im an old fashioned guy at heart,

the man, imo, should make his lady feel special, bring her for a nice weekend break at a fancy hotel,

make their first intimate occasion together something wonderful to remember,

 

I'm a woman, and while all of that sounds nice, it definitely is old fashioned and, quite frankly, a bit sexist. 
Romance is definitely something that needs to be shared between the 2 parties.

 

[Allupinnit]

Welp - I mean, I guess you both would have to pitch in for hotels now and then if you actually want to extend your dates.  But if he's living at home and not paying rent where does all his money go?  That's a pretty sweet deal for a grown man. If he's NEVER lived alone (did he move back after college?) he must have a ton of money stored up somewhere, would be easy to buy. Believe it or not lots of us manage to save for a house while we rent.   

That being said if you really like him then a couple of months til you get your place shouldn't be a big deal.  

 

[Allupinnit]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Just my take but he has not moved out because he has no interest, desire, reason or motivation to move out.

He's got quite a cushy deal living at home, and re alone time and sex, it appears he's quite OK with "doing it" in the car, which imo is debasing and degrading especially considering it was your very first time! 

Had you been in an already established relationship or even just dating awhile, the car can be an exciting and spontaneous but lord have mercy, for your first time together?  And no mention of a hotel or motel? 

Let's just do it in the car, ugh, speaks volumes really.

I can almost guarantee you once he finds a woman he actually cares about, respects and envisions a future with, he will get off his cheap arse and find his own place. 

I'm sorry and good luck. 

 

 

 

 

 

Seriously!!! Is this how he dated all through his 20's, now going into his 30's???  

[ASG]

20 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Welp - I mean, I guess you both would have to pitch in for hotels now and then if you actually want to extend your dates.  But if he's living at home and not paying rent where does all his money go?  That's a pretty sweet deal for a grown man. If he's NEVER lived alone (did he move back after college?) he must have a ton of money stored up somewhere, would be easy to buy. Believe it or not lots of us manage to save for a house while we rent.   

That being said if you really like him then a couple of months til you get your place shouldn't be a big deal.  

 

Some people are just really bad with money... I know many people who earn more than I do who are in constant debt. Where did all their money go? They couldn't even tell you. Expensive trainers here, loads of takeaways there, just going with every impulse... 
I'm not saying that this is what is happening to this guy, I have no clue, but it's also not fair to assume he has a nice stash of money somewhere just because he lives at home. 

[dramafreezone]

Hooking up in the car is ok at 22.  That's concerning that a 32 year old man that's had his current job for 2.5 years has no desire to move out on his own.

I was 21 and couldn't wait to move out, I did a couple of months before my 22nd birthday.  I've had small stints of being back at home but those were for brief periods after I was discharged from the military and after I graduated college for a few months.

Whether you like him is irrelevant.  Those chemicals that flood our brains when we interact with someone we're infatuated with are not designed to help you build a stable life going forward.  I guess you have to make a logical decision if you believe he'll get it together, or if you could be a support system as he gets it all together.