Resentment while dating

[electric_prune]

I met a girl in a dating website four months ago and we have had four 8 hour long dates so far. We don't live in the same city so each one of us had to either come or go to the others city to meet them. We really clicked and everything seemed to go along just fine. I told her on our second date that I liked her. I went to my homecountry for a month and we continued communicating via texts. She was going through a rough time with some close relatives having cancer and going through treatment and I tried to support her.

I came back and we met up again. This time , I could really feel that I had developed strong feelings for her. Now bare in mind , we have never had the DTR talk nor been physical except hello/goodbye hugs and I did feel something when I gave her a tight hug the last time.

I started school and we kept talking once every two days with both of us initiating the conversation. 

But here's the problem..

At this point and since we don't live in the same city , I was expecting that we would text about each others day so we could get even "virtually" close. But she replies quite late to my texts. I assumed that she doesn't hold her phone all the time and that some people are just bad texters.

Two days ago , I asked her if she had time to talk on the phone and suggested the days or next days evening. She replied saying that she was busy both of these times. I have to admit I was slightly disappointed , if I were the receiver in this situation I would have slept an hour less just to talk to a potential SO. Sure , it's not really a big issue but this led me to think about her willingness to commit to a potential relationship. I am capable of investing and sacrificing a lot of things for a relationships well being but apparently not everyone is like me. I cherish her and want to make this work even though my friend tells me to let her go.  I also understand that she has never been in a relationship. Do you think it's possible to make this work? 

Am I overreacting? 

 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, electric_prune said:

I met a girl in a dating website four months ago and we have had four 8 hour long dates so far. We don't live in the same city

How far apart do you live? LDR are quite frustrating and difficult, so it's wise for  both of you you step back and date locally.

[electric_prune]

We live almost 80 miles away. I am personally willing to go visit her and she mentioned once visiting me at some point.

[divegrl]

Let this one go. Sorry my friend. 
 

Wishing you the best. 

[Ami1uwant]

Don’t waste your time on thus one. Meet other people.

[spiderowl]

5 hours ago, electric_prune said:

I met a girl in a dating website four months ago and we have had four 8 hour long dates so far. We don't live in the same city so each one of us had to either come or go to the others city to meet them. We really clicked and everything seemed to go along just fine. I told her on our second date that I liked her. I went to my homecountry for a month and we continued communicating via texts. She was going through a rough time with some close relatives having cancer and going through treatment and I tried to support her.

I came back and we met up again. This time , I could really feel that I had developed strong feelings for her. Now bare in mind , we have never had the DTR talk nor been physical except hello/goodbye hugs and I did feel something when I gave her a tight hug the last time.

I started school and we kept talking once every two days with both of us initiating the conversation. 

But here's the problem..

At this point and since we don't live in the same city , I was expecting that we would text about each others day so we could get even "virtually" close. But she replies quite late to my texts. I assumed that she doesn't hold her phone all the time and that some people are just bad texters.

Two days ago , I asked her if she had time to talk on the phone and suggested the days or next days evening. She replied saying that she was busy both of these times. I have to admit I was slightly disappointed , if I were the receiver in this situation I would have slept an hour less just to talk to a potential SO. Sure , it's not really a big issue but this led me to think about her willingness to commit to a potential relationship. I am capable of investing and sacrificing a lot of things for a relationships well being but apparently not everyone is like me. I cherish her and want to make this work even though my friend tells me to let her go.  I also understand that she has never been in a relationship. Do you think it's possible to make this work? 

Am I overreacting? 

 

When asking someone out or to talk, it is best to ask when they will be free.  If they are not helpful then, it is a sign they are not as interested as you.

If she has never been in a relationship, she may not know the niceties of how to maintain contact, but I would take her response as an indicator that she is not going to make an effort.

I think your friends are right and you should move on, maybe stay in contact with her occasionally.

[Nothanks]

She does not seem as interested as you do in pursuing a relationship.  It could be because of the distance.  You could keep in touch casually as you never know if you will end up in the same city.  I wouldn’t let it stop you from seeing other people though.  

[electric_prune]

Thanks everyone for your answers.

She texted me last night asking when I would be free because she "really wants to talk". This confuses me even more.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 minutes ago, electric_prune said:

She texted me last night asking when I would be free because she "really wants to talk". This confuses me even more.

I am not sure I would hold my breath for this being a positive conversation. 

She sounds lukewarm and it's been only 4 dates in 4 months. I realize you were gone for a little while, but you don't really live so far apart that dates couldn't be happening more frequently by now. Let us know how this talk goes. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, electric_prune said:

.She texted me last night asking when I would be free because she "really wants to talk".

Did you call back? Find out what she wants so you can decide what you want to do.

[Blind-Sided]

Yep... long distance doesn't work.  I'm sorry, but you should just move on. 

[Caauug]

17 hours ago, electric_prune said:

I could really feel that I had developed strong feelings for her.

No. Don't do that.

17 hours ago, electric_prune said:

But she replies quite late to my texts.

She has stuff going on in her life?

17 hours ago, electric_prune said:

I have to admit I was slightly disappointed , if I were the receiver in this situation I would have slept an hour less just to talk to a potential SO. Sure , it's not really a big issue but this led me to think about her willingness to commit to a potential relationship. I am capable of investing and sacrificing a lot of things for a relationships well being but apparently not everyone is like me. I cherish her and want to make this work even though my friend tells me to let her go.

Don't do this!!! She does not think the same as you.... Men and women think differently, we have different attraction values, we have different needs, that makes us love differently.

What's with that "Cherish" crap? This woman will drop you for a "Bigger Better Deal" without a second thought.... It's called Hypergamy it's all in human nature, without it humans would likely have died out in prehistoric times. Do not put her on a pedestal!!! 

18 hours ago, electric_prune said:

Do you think it's possible to make this work? 

No. Not for you and her.

LDR can work, there has to be an end date, when it will not be a LDR. Both parties have to be committed to the R for that end date. Forgiveness/understanding has to be limitless(?) in LDR's, always working toward the end date. 

18 hours ago, electric_prune said:

I started school and we kept talking once every two days with both of us initiating the conversation.

Take it for what it is, or don't make it more than it is.... If you are chatting/texting good keep it up... but that's all it is. You are in school, concentrate on your grades, this will last a lifetime. Exercise, get fit, stay fit, your physical strength also effects your mental strength.

Get direction in your life, that should not be this piece of fluff (yet).... 

Women are attracted to the value in a man. Increase your value, 6 sixes, status etc. 

[Nothanks]

If you like her, no harm in keeping in touch. It is only a problem if you want something more serious.  She isn’t there. So you can 1) accept that and continue to stay in contact with her or 2) not accept it and end it.

[Alpacalia]

I won't say whether long-distance relationships work or not because that isn't specifically what you asked, and while the majority will not, some do (two couples I know that are now married).

All relationships “fly or die.”

Like any relationship, failure depends on what the couples are willing to put into it.

Aside from that,

18 hours ago, electric_prune said:

At this point and since we don't live in the same city , I was expecting that we would text about each others day so we could get even "virtually" close. But she replies quite late to my texts. I assumed that she doesn't hold her phone all the time and that some people are just bad texters.

Is this a one-of-a-kind circumstance?

There are numerous posts where two persons who are geographically close to each other share the same concern.

The issue here is that you both must make up for a considerable lack of face time. In a nutshell, staying in touch and feeling connected requires a lot more effort.

Besides that, you're both social animals, people naturally like to be around the people they are dating.

18 hours ago, electric_prune said:

 I also understand that she has never been in a relationship.

This is a completely new territory for her.

She has never been in a relationship, thus she has no idea about herself in a relationship or how a partnership should function in her life.

Edited October 10, 2021 by Alpaca

[electric_prune]

1 hour ago, Caauug said:

She has stuff going on in her life?

She will start college in the next few weeks. 

1 hour ago, Caauug said:

Don't do this!!! She does not think the same as you.... Men and women think differently, we have different attraction values, we have different needs, that makes us love differently.

I totally agree except in this case , we are both women.

[electric_prune]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

Is this a one-of-a-kind circumstance?

No. Well , it depends. She sometimes replies a minute later and sometimes a day later. I always try to reply asap to her texts.

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

The issue here is that you both must make up for a considerable lack of face time. In a nutshell, staying in touch and feeling connected requires a lot more effort.

Besides that, you're both social animals, people naturally like to be around the people they are dating.

Yes I agree. I am wondering if she doesn't make as much effort as I do because of her inexperience , lack of interest or simply unwillingness to be in a relationship. And I made it clear from the get go that I wanted a serious relationship.

[smackie9]

Truly I think this is more of a fair weather friendship rather than any potential relationship. She was going through a rough time, and you were a nice little distraction/escape. I don't see this being anymore than that. LDRs are a lot of hard work and takes effort from both parties. If she's busy/struggling with family issues, she's not going to be much invested in this. The proof is there. You are better to meet someone locally.

[Lotsgoingon]

43 minutes ago, electric_prune said:

Yes I agree. I am wondering if she doesn't make as much effort as I do because of her inexperience , lack of interest or simply unwillingness to be in a relationship. 

This is the great IRRELEVANT question.  Worse, it's a completely disempowering and distracting question. A terrrible question.

Because the answer does not matter. All the possible answers you give mean she is not ready for a relationship of the type you want. Period. 

And think about it: come now, in an age of compulsive addictive texting, she's gonna be slow to respond to you because of inexperience? Puh-lease! If she's that socially clueless, then you don't want to date her. If she is too dumb (sorry, couldn't come up with a better word) to figure out that when you're interested in someone, you do want to reply quickly to them or explain clearly why you can't, then you want to disqualify her as a good dating match. 

And the reality is 99 percent of the time the real answer is lack of interest. So you need to raise your standards and hold to them. Someone doesn't respond like you want, point it out ONCE! Behavior doesn't change, dump them. I'm frankly of the school that says you really shouldn't waste time if the person is doing something that is obviously offputting--like not replying in a timely way to the other person. But if you want to go the extra step, ask for what you want once, see what happens. 

Then move on. You really don't want to care why the person acts in a way you don't like. Could be that every night, they get kidnapped by Martians and held aboard a space ship.  Could be they're in prison and you don't know it, could be anything. The point is all the answers/reasons all mean that the person is not right now capable of being in a serious relationship with you. So you move on. And there is only "now." There is no future. 

The only question: are they behaving right now like I expect a partner to behave? Anything less than 99 percent yes, is a no. You give no points for potential. 

[smackie9]

Off topic you know the electric prunes were a band in the 60's right? Their hit was "I had too much to dream last night." love this song.

[electric_prune]

Thanks @smackie9 and @Lotsgoingon for the much needed reality check. 

9 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Off topic you know the electric prunes were a band in the 60's right? Their hit was "I had too much to dream last night." love this song.

Yes! I also love their songs "Get me to the world on time" and "Holy are you".

[smackie9]

1 minute ago, electric_prune said:

Thanks @smackie9 and @Lotsgoingon for the much needed reality check. 

Yes! I also love their songs "Get me to the world on time" and "Holy are you".

You need to watch this then. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4pwXbeJYuY

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, electric_prune said:

No. Well , it depends. She sometimes replies a minute later and sometimes a day later. I always try to reply asap to her texts.

So you would prefer more continuous touch throughout the day.

2 hours ago, electric_prune said:

Yes I agree. I am wondering if she doesn't make as much effort as I do because of her inexperience , lack of interest or simply unwillingness to be in a relationship. And I made it clear from the get go that I wanted a serious relationship.

Do you know what her thoughts are on wanting a serious relationship?

You mentioned she's starting college in a few weeks. And, you're in school too I gather.

Whatever the situation may be, her lack of effort leaves you feeling uneasy and dissatisfied, making things one-sided and stagnant.

There may be too many factors at work here that are working against each other.

You want a serious relationship but for her, maybe she just prefers to just keep it casual at this juncture.

[electric_prune]

13 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Do you know what her thoughts are on wanting a serious relationship?

No. I will try to discuss this with her next time we meet. I do want to have a final discussion about this before moving on. 

13 hours ago, Alpaca said:

You mentioned she's starting college in a few weeks. And, you're in school too I gather.

I am finishing my studies this year. I guess this makes it even more complicated , as we are in two different stages in life.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

19 minutes ago, electric_prune said:

I am finishing my studies this year. I guess this makes it even more complicated , as we are in two different stages in life.

Yes, very much so. 

She is just about to embark on a fairly significant stage of her life that you're now concluding. It's not the ideal time to make a new relationship work, as she's about to meet all kinds of new people and have new experiences. If it's already moving this slowly now, it's likely going to fizzle out of completely once she gets distracted with new faces, new activities and new academic pursuits. 

[electric_prune]

Quick update..

We talked on the phone for two hours about everything and nothing. She suggested to meet halfway (since it takes three hours to go to her city). I suggested a few cities. She said the city doesn't matter because she wanted to see me and not to visit the city itself.