Author Boredbored Posted October 11, 2021 Author Posted October 11, 2021 2 minutes ago, stillafool said: I wouldn't suggest you become texting buddies with an ex. It is best to cut the chord and move on. You're asking for trouble by still keeping up daily or even weekly contact. It's best to try to find the woman you're compatible with. Don't become her emotional blanket. (Her Binkie). Yeah, you're probably right. We'll probably just fade away. I don't imagine any new interest would appreciate an ex-girlfriend lurking in the background, either. 2
stillafool Posted October 11, 2021 Posted October 11, 2021 3 minutes ago, Boredbored said: Yeah, you're probably right. We'll probably just fade away. I don't imagine any new interest would appreciate an ex-girlfriend lurking in the background, either. Yeah it sounds like she's trying to hold on by being someone she is not and will fall back into the other person again before long. It's best to start dating others and you're right women will run if they know an ex is still in the picture. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 11, 2021 Posted October 11, 2021 1 hour ago, stillafool said: Don't become her emotional blanket. (Her Binkie). Exactly. There is little point in staying "texting buddies." I would let that fade out so you can find a woman is ready to date. 2
Marsden Posted October 11, 2021 Posted October 11, 2021 7 hours ago, Boredbored said: Yeah, you're probably right. We'll probably just fade away. I don't imagine any new interest would appreciate an ex-girlfriend lurking in the background, either. That's the issue with staying connected to a previous partner. Newcomers will be concerned, and rightfully so. 1
Nothanks Posted October 12, 2021 Posted October 12, 2021 (edited) Are you sure having a texting relationship isn’t just your way of keeping hope alive? I think any continued relationship with her could hold you back you from moving on. And how would you feel if she texts you that she started dating someone else? This can all be avoided with a clean break. Edited October 12, 2021 by Nothanks 1
Author Boredbored Posted October 12, 2021 Author Posted October 12, 2021 9 hours ago, Nothanks said: Are you sure having a texting relationship isn’t just your way of keeping hope alive? I think any continued relationship with her could hold you back you from moving on. And how would you feel if she texts you that she started dating someone else? This can all be avoided with a clean break. Yes, that's very possible (at least in my heart), but I know in my gut that she won't have a change of heart. She has a rigid checklist of criteria that a potential suitor must meet, and if you don't meet EVERY requirement, then she discounts you as a boyfriend. Doesn't seem to go by her emotions at all on this topic. Even she admitted that she likely won't find someone who can meet her requirements, hence, she prefers to be alone. In hindsight, it's a good thing that we didn't elevate the relationship to something physical. That seems to always complicate matters.
Wiseman2 Posted October 12, 2021 Posted October 12, 2021 3 hours ago, Boredbored said: She has a rigid checklist of criteria that a potential suitor must meet, and if you don't meet EVERY requirement, then she discounts you as a boyfriend. That's almost funny if it weren't so sad. It's as if she has a moat around her and getting her hand is the task of a worthy daring knight and steed.
Author Boredbored Posted October 12, 2021 Author Posted October 12, 2021 (edited) Haha! Yes, it's almost like that. I've always had this innate attraction to women that appear to need rescuing. I have old-fashioned values, and a bit of a romantic soul. Almost like the reciprocal of women that date stereotypical 'bad boys'. They always think they can change them. I guess I feel that I can 'rescue' these women. I know....it usually doesn't work out in the real world. Edited October 12, 2021 by Boredbored Spelling 1
Author Boredbored Posted October 12, 2021 Author Posted October 12, 2021 2 hours ago, stillafool said: How old is this woman? She's old enough that she should know her own mind by now. We're both not young adults.
Dis Posted October 13, 2021 Posted October 13, 2021 On 10/11/2021 at 11:17 AM, stillafool said: I wouldn't suggest you become texting buddies with an ex. It is best to cut the chord and move on. You're asking for trouble by still keeping up daily or even weekly contact. It's best to try to find the woman you're compatible with. Don't become her emotional blanket. (Her Binkie). Yeah don't keep in touch And if you're being brutally honest with yourself, if she was such a crappy gf she probably wouldn't be a good friend Better to cut the cord all together 1
Author Boredbored Posted October 13, 2021 Author Posted October 13, 2021 4 hours ago, Dis said: Yeah don't keep in touch And if you're being brutally honest with yourself, if she was such a crappy gf she probably wouldn't be a good friend Better to cut the cord all together Absolutely. Leopards don't change their spots. When she's in a good mood, she's chatty and friendly. When she's feeling down, she disappears. Yet she doesn't tell me that I need to find someone more suitable for myself. Almost like being a dog in the manger. 2 1
AngryGromit Posted October 16, 2021 Posted October 16, 2021 On 10/7/2021 at 11:52 AM, Wiseman2 said: It's an odd combo of too much too soon and not enough happening. At 60 days dating, cut your losses. I would agree. Not all woman are the same, some have sex on the first date, others it takes 3 or 4 dates, others 2 weeks, but two months is way too long. She sounds emotionally damaged in some way, probably something you don't want to get involved in. I once dated a girl for a month before I decided to break it off with her, it was never the right time.
Daisydooks Posted October 16, 2021 Posted October 16, 2021 (edited) On 10/12/2021 at 1:05 PM, Boredbored said: Haha! Yes, it's almost like that. I've always had this innate attraction to women that appear to need rescuing. I have old-fashioned values, and a bit of a romantic soul. Almost like the reciprocal of women that date stereotypical 'bad boys'. They always think they can change them. I guess I feel that I can 'rescue' these women. I know....it usually doesn't work out in the real world. It NEVER works out in the real world. The people who need fixing should not be on your radar. Why do you think you go for women who need fixing vs women who are whole, confident and happy? Whats so scary to you about a whole, happy woman who doesnt need fixing? You dont need to answer here but do some soul searching on this. Someone else mentioned this but its the equivalent of attempting to help someone with congestive heart failure. You cant. Meds may help. Surgery may help. But another person cannot fix a heart problem. Why are you investing time in women who arent available? Edited October 16, 2021 by Daisydooks 2
Author Boredbored Posted October 16, 2021 Author Posted October 16, 2021 1 hour ago, AngryGromit said: I would agree. Not all woman are the same, some have sex on the first date, others it takes 3 or 4 dates, others 2 weeks, but two months is way too long. She sounds emotionally damaged in some way, probably something you don't want to get involved in. I once dated a girl for a month before I decided to break it off with her, it was never the right time. I keep going back and forth on this. While I agree there is definitely some form of emotional damage, I still can't turn my feelings off for her. I've seen the vulnerable, sweet, scared little girl, and I just want to protect her and keep her safe. I told her today that I missed her, and she warmed up considerably. If we continue to see each other, I just need to accept the fact that there won't be a physical aspect to our relationship at this time. Many years ago, I had another girlfriend similar to her, but sort of a reciprocal. All she wanted was a sexual relationship, but I wanted a girlfriend, not a f*** buddy. She would not get emotionally close to a man....ever. It took a long time to win her over, but in time, she fell in love with me. Like this girl, she had been deeply hurt by men, and had developed a hard, protective exterior, but underneath lay a real sweetheart. I think with enough time, love, and patience, this girl will finally begin to trust and drop her protective shield. I just don't want to give up on her.
Nothanks Posted October 16, 2021 Posted October 16, 2021 23 minutes ago, Boredbored said: If we continue to see each other, I just need to accept the fact that there won't be a physical aspect to our relationship at this time …or ever. Are you sure you are fine with only having a platonic relationship with her? You won’t resent the fact that she won’t be intimate with you? That she sees you as a friend and not a lover? I think you are prolonging your heartache. You are desperately hoping she changes her mind. She is using you as an emotional crutch in the meantime knowing that you want more. That is a soul destroying dynamic. But ultimately it is your choice. What is truly sad is that while you pin your hopes on her, there may be someone else out there who would treat you how you want to be treated. You may be missing out on a real relationship while you wait for something that may never happen. 2
glows Posted October 16, 2021 Posted October 16, 2021 58 minutes ago, Boredbored said: While I agree there is definitely some form of emotional damage, I still can't turn my feelings off for her. I've seen the vulnerable, sweet, scared little girl, and I just want to protect her and keep her safe. You're not expected to just turn your feelings off for her though. That is unnatural and having unrealistic expectations of yourself while you shrug this off and move on. What you can do is keep telling yourself it didn't work out, the same as what you told her. It wasn't working out. Don't infantilize her either or other women. I'm referring to your comment about "scared little girl". Healthy individuals won't be attracted to that. It's a kind thought but counterproductive. Your partner should be your equal and mentally stable, not akin to the emotional maturity of small child.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 16, 2021 Posted October 16, 2021 (edited) 14 hours ago, Boredbored said: I've seen the vulnerable, sweet, scared little girl, and I just want to protect her and keep her safe. This is a parent-child dynamic, and quite infantilizing. It's odd that the image of a scared little girl is so appealing to you. Why do you think that is? Edited October 16, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 4
ChatroomHero Posted October 19, 2021 Posted October 19, 2021 On 10/15/2021 at 10:44 PM, Boredbored said: I told her today that I missed her, and she warmed up considerably. If we continue to see each other, I just need to accept the fact that there won't be a physical aspect to our relationship at this time. What in your relationship has indicated that not "at this time" won't apply 4 months from now, or 8 months or 2 years? My take on things like this is if someone came to my door once a week for 2 months and when I answered, punched me in the stomach every time, pretty quickly I come to expect a year from now when I answer the door they will punch me in the stomach rather than they will one day randomly change my mind and stop and then act surprised when I am more invested and it keeps happening. I think you are avoiding the reality and projecting a future that the reality is not predicting.
CollinW Posted October 19, 2021 Posted October 19, 2021 (edited) My first "dating" situation was like this. The woman would invite me over and let me massage and do things to her but none of it was returned. It was because she thought she could do better. She used me for the attention and satisfaction but because she thought she was better than me and could do better she never reciprocated. Never subject yourself to an unbalanced situation. If she can't give you what you need right now, then break it off and tell her you two can continue when she can. Edited October 19, 2021 by CollinW
Nothanks Posted October 20, 2021 Posted October 20, 2021 Boredbored, you are engaging in the same behaviour and expecting a different outcome. Your self esteem will take a hit every time she rejects you. Don’t put yourself through that.
Wiseman2 Posted October 20, 2021 Posted October 20, 2021 On 10/12/2021 at 1:07 PM, Boredbored said: She's old enough that she should know her own mind by now. We're both not young adults. She has 5 children and they are both divorced. 12 hours ago, ResentCourtship2099 said: i assume you and her are both in your 20s 1
stillafool Posted October 20, 2021 Posted October 20, 2021 On 10/15/2021 at 10:44 PM, Boredbored said: I've seen the vulnerable, sweet, scared little girl, and I just want to protect her and keep her safe. She isn't some scared little girl, she's a grown divorced woman with 5 kids from another man. Stop projecting this little girl image onto her. She knows what she's doing. I agree with the poster who said she probably isn't over her husband and that is why she won't have sex with you. She likes the way you worship her and show attention. I imagine she wasn't getting that much or it with her ex because they were trying to raise and feed 5 kids. It's stressful and probably lead to their break up. She isn't over him.
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