Lotsgoingon Posted October 8, 2021 Posted October 8, 2021 Yet, using "trauma" to described someone's behavior is often a bad trap. What looks like "trauma" could easily be disinterest, lack of social skill, basic cluelessness, distance, coldness, meanness or self-absorption. It's best to invoke "trauma" just as a way to say to yourself that the behavior you're seeing is not healthy--as in way way out there not healthy. And yes, why are you offering to help her with depression? There is no such thing. That's like offering to help someone with congestive heart failure. She has to get the help. The only thing you can do is say, be a compassionate ear if she asks you for help in finding a good therapist or finding a good psychiatrist. Or be a good ear if she decides to open up and share what's going on in detail. 5
Nothanks Posted October 8, 2021 Posted October 8, 2021 I think you need to clarify your relationship with her. Ask her if she sees you as a friend or if she has a romantic interest in you. If she won’t clarify or waffles, just say all you are prepared to give then is friendship and that you will treat her accordingly (i.e. no cuddling, sleepovers, date-like situations etc). If she says she is interested in you romantically, then you should ask her to open up about why she is not affectionate because that is a fundamental requirement in a romantic relationship. If she was in a bad relationship, it could be that she just needs time and understanding. Having 5 kids is not an indication of that. Having an abusive spouse is. You know her best so good luck with whatever you decide. 1
salparadise Posted October 8, 2021 Posted October 8, 2021 1 hour ago, Nothanks said: If she says she is interested in you romantically, then you should ask her to open up about why she is not affectionate because that is a fundamental requirement in a romantic relationship. I agree about not getting hung up on the word trauma, as if invoking that word changes anything fundamentally. Bottom line is that you're looking for a girlfriend with a healthy libido, reciprocal perspective, and willingness/ability to engage in a healthy relationship. What you're doing is betting that if you stick around, offering yourself up as a sacrifice, that she'll be eternally grateful and start being the girlfriend you wish she was right now. That's the male version of a Disney script. Ain't going to happen. You need to make choices based on what actually is, and make YOUR OWN needs a priority. If this were just a matter of postponing sex a month or two I might think otherwise... but this woman is cold as ice. I seriously doubt that will change much no matter how long you play this nice guy role. I think you simply need to make a graceful exit and find a real girlfriend.
Author Boredbored Posted October 9, 2021 Author Posted October 9, 2021 9 hours ago, glows said: While you are helping someone with their depression and coincidentally having feelings for them, there is someone else passing you by whom you might have a much more fulfilling relationship with. Friendship is fine in theory until it starts to get old and redundant as you both need to move on. Staying stuck in this situation as a friend with feelings for her isn't realistic long term. That's probably true. 1
Author Boredbored Posted October 9, 2021 Author Posted October 9, 2021 3 hours ago, salparadise said: I agree about not getting hung up on the word trauma, as if invoking that word changes anything fundamentally. Bottom line is that you're looking for a girlfriend with a healthy libido, reciprocal perspective, and willingness/ability to engage in a healthy relationship. What you're doing is betting that if you stick around, offering yourself up as a sacrifice, that she'll be eternally grateful and start being the girlfriend you wish she was right now. That's the male version of a Disney script. Ain't going to happen. You need to make choices based on what actually is, and make YOUR OWN needs a priority. If this were just a matter of postponing sex a month or two I might think otherwise... but this woman is cold as ice. I seriously doubt that will change much no matter how long you play this nice guy role. I think you simply need to make a graceful exit and find a real girlfriend. Well, she's certainly acting cold as ice since I told her about my relationship needs. She's hardly said anything to me the last two days, and answers my texts hours later with a one or two word answer. When I texted how she has been quiet lately, she made a point of messaging me to say she had been watching a movie and was now headed to bed. It's gonna be hard, but I think my days of riding this unpleasant emotional roller coaster have come to an end. Perhaps this is her way of telling me she's not interested in communicating any more. So be it. 2
Trail Blazer Posted October 9, 2021 Posted October 9, 2021 15 minutes ago, Boredbored said: Well, she's certainly acting cold as ice since I told her about my relationship needs. She's hardly said anything to me the last two days, and answers my texts hours later with a one or two word answer. When I texted how she has been quiet lately, she made a point of messaging me to say she had been watching a movie and was now headed to bed. It's gonna be hard, but I think my days of riding this unpleasant emotional roller coaster have come to an end. Perhaps this is her way of telling me she's not interested in communicating any more. So be it. That's your cue to exit, my friend! 3
ExpatInItaly Posted October 9, 2021 Posted October 9, 2021 2 hours ago, Boredbored said: Well, she's certainly acting cold as ice since I told her about my relationship needs. She's hardly said anything to me the last two days, and answers my texts hours later with a one or two word answer. Then that is your cue that she doesn't want what you want out of this. It's already essentially over, so I would wish her well and end this cleanly. This one is a non-starter.
Wiseman2 Posted October 9, 2021 Posted October 9, 2021 2 hours ago, Boredbored said: I think my days of riding this unpleasant emotional roller coaster have come to an end. Ok. Be done with this. It's just a headache and heartache you don't need. 1
Caauug Posted October 9, 2021 Posted October 9, 2021 3 hours ago, Boredbored said: It's gonna be hard, but I think my days of riding this unpleasant emotional roller coaster have come to an end. Perhaps this is her way of telling me she's not interested in communicating any more. So be it. This is good. It wasn't working for you and you can't fix her. With her lack of communication/other interests just take it that she is ending it with you... Move on and work on you.
Dis Posted October 9, 2021 Posted October 9, 2021 18 hours ago, Boredbored said: She married very young and her ex husband pushed himself on her, producing 5 children in 5 years. Hate to say it but, the 5 kids is reason enough for most people to pass 4
salparadise Posted October 9, 2021 Posted October 9, 2021 6 hours ago, Boredbored said: It's gonna be hard, but I think my days of riding this unpleasant emotional roller coaster have come to an end. Perhaps this is her way of telling me... It shouldn't be that hard. You know it wasn't working out (understatement), so I think you should feel relieved. I know you were invested, and letting go of that isn't nothing, but it's not like you were in a relationship where you were getting your needs met. So, looking toward the future... what should you change, assuming the goal is a healthy relationship, a real girlfriend? No fixer uppers
Wiseman2 Posted October 9, 2021 Posted October 9, 2021 3 hours ago, Dis said: Hate to say it but, the 5 kids is reason enough for most people to pass Agree. What is she thinking having men over for slumber parties with 5 kids in the house? 3
mark clemson Posted October 9, 2021 Posted October 9, 2021 (edited) ^^ I like the attention but I desperately don't want another kid? I think her issues run deeper, but that would be one theory at least. At any rate, it sounds like she's realizing this isn't working and, as many are saying, you should probably take the hint and look for greener pastures. She needs a guy who can accept her how she is (unless she's up for changing, which would be a BIG deal) and YOU need a partner who can meet your needs. Edited October 9, 2021 by mark clemson 1
spiderowl Posted October 10, 2021 Posted October 10, 2021 It sounds like she is interested in having a friend, in having the affection, but is afraid to give it back in return in case it leads to sex. Whatever is going on, she isn't sure enough about you to want to take it further. I don't think this is something you can cure. It is not as though there has been a gradual move towards more intimacy. I think messaging her to tell her about your needs would not work out because that would just sound selfish (as you have found out). I can understand you have needs and there is nothing wrong with expressing them, just that it would put her off if she is already ambivalent about this for some reason. You have waited a while and she has been cold with you so she cannot expect you to be understanding for ever without some kind of explanation. If she is not sure you want her emotionally, but fears it is only physically, then she may be wary. However, she should say so. Messaging her to ask her how she feels about things and where she wants it to go emotionally and physically would be helpful. At least you will know for sure.
Author Boredbored Posted October 10, 2021 Author Posted October 10, 2021 1 hour ago, spiderowl said: It sounds like she is interested in having a friend, in having the affection, but is afraid to give it back in return in case it leads to sex. Whatever is going on, she isn't sure enough about you to want to take it further. I don't think this is something you can cure. It is not as though there has been a gradual move towards more intimacy. I think messaging her to tell her about your needs would not work out because that would just sound selfish (as you have found out). I can understand you have needs and there is nothing wrong with expressing them, just that it would put her off if she is already ambivalent about this for some reason. You have waited a while and she has been cold with you so she cannot expect you to be understanding for ever without some kind of explanation. If she is not sure you want her emotionally, but fears it is only physically, then she may be wary. However, she should say so. Messaging her to ask her how she feels about things and where she wants it to go emotionally and physically would be helpful. At least you will know for sure. Well, she deleted her Match profile yesterday, so I'm thinking that she made her choice. I failed to mention that she is incredibly moody. Cheery and friendly one moment, then cold, closed, and grouchy the next, with no causal incident to trigger the change. This type of behaviour absolutely pushes me away. I'd like to have some measure of closure (as opposed to mutual ghosting), but I don't want her to get the impression that I'm clinging to faint hopes of making it work with her. I really don't think I could adapt to her personality. I don't know if there's really much to be gained from contacting her again.... but....I would like her to know that I wasn't solely interested in getting physical with her.
spiderowl Posted October 10, 2021 Posted October 10, 2021 12 minutes ago, Boredbored said: Well, she deleted her Match profile yesterday, so I'm thinking that she made her choice. I failed to mention that she is incredibly moody. Cheery and friendly one moment, then cold, closed, and grouchy the next, with no causal incident to trigger the change. This type of behaviour absolutely pushes me away. I'd like to have some measure of closure (as opposed to mutual ghosting), but I don't want her to get the impression that I'm clinging to faint hopes of making it work with her. I really don't think I could adapt to her personality. I don't know if there's really much to be gained from contacting her again.... but....I would like her to know that I wasn't solely interested in getting physical with her. I think I would find all those children a huge demand and probably would not have much left for anyone else. That said, assuming she copes well with the children and is looking for a relationship, she does not sound very stable. People who are struggling can often make an effort for someone they care about. They do not inflict their moods on the other person, unless that person is responsible for the mood. I don't think this was working out, OP, and you need someone who is clearly wanting the same as you. 1
Noproblem Posted October 10, 2021 Posted October 10, 2021 Deep hurt Does not equal selfish lover! She will not change, not for you anyway! Run! 2
Nothanks Posted October 10, 2021 Posted October 10, 2021 12 minutes ago, Noproblem said: Deep hurt Does not equal selfish lover! I disagree with that as a general statement - someone who has been sexually assaulted can have difficulty with physical intimacy and I would not call that selfish. I agree however that in this specific situation - this does not appear to be the case and she is using BB. BB, cut her out entirely. That means don’t look for her on dating sites or social media. I suspect you are still trying to figure her out. That is a waste of your time. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 10, 2021 Posted October 10, 2021 2 hours ago, Boredbored said: I would like her to know that I wasn't solely interested in getting physical with her. I am quite sure she already knows this. It made no difference.
Wiseman2 Posted October 10, 2021 Posted October 10, 2021 7 hours ago, Boredbored said: .I don't know if there's really much to be gained from contacting her again... Agree, don't drag it out. "Closure" is kindly and diplomatically telling her your not a match,then deleting and blocking her from all your social media and messaging apps.
poppyfields Posted October 10, 2021 Posted October 10, 2021 (edited) On 10/7/2021 at 6:47 AM, Boredbored said: She lets me caress and massage her, but NEVER reciprocates my affection What is this^ about? Caressing and massaging can be extremely sexual, so what happens while you are caressing her, does she become sexually aroused? But yet she won't allow you to kiss her or escalate further and otherwise treats you like a male girlfriend? Completely confused. I won't even speculate, other than it sounds completely one-sided and self-serving. Suffice it to say nothing we say is going to change anything, which is fine, play it out, that's how we learn. Good luck. Edited October 10, 2021 by poppyfields
Author Boredbored Posted October 11, 2021 Author Posted October 11, 2021 23 hours ago, poppyfields said: What is this^ about? Caressing and massaging can be extremely sexual, so what happens while you are caressing her, does she become sexually aroused? But yet she won't allow you to kiss her or escalate further and otherwise treats you like a male girlfriend? Completely confused. I won't even speculate, other than it sounds completely one-sided and self-serving. Suffice it to say nothing we say is going to change anything, which is fine, play it out, that's how we learn. Good luck. Well, I decided to send her a final message, explaining that it just wasn't working out. Also apologized for making her feel uncomfortable and pressured. She agreed, saying that she wasn't going to date anyone, going forward. She still wants to be texting friends, but with no dating expectations. She was never as chatty as yesterday, showing an openness that I had not seen before. It seems the pressure of dating was quite a source of stress for her, and now that she knows there's no pressure to date, she can be relaxed with me. I actually feel relieved as well. The tension is gone, lol. So that's it, I guess. Outside of the dating expectations, I always enjoyed our chats, so we'll stay as texting friends. 1
stillafool Posted October 11, 2021 Posted October 11, 2021 (edited) I wouldn't suggest you become texting buddies with an ex. It is best to cut the chord and move on. You're asking for trouble by still keeping up daily or even weekly contact. It's best to try to find the woman you're compatible with. Don't become her emotional blanket. (Her Binkie). Edited October 11, 2021 by stillafool 2 1
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