Boredbored Posted October 7, 2021 Posted October 7, 2021 So, I've been 'dating' a woman I met on Match, for about two months now. We haven't had sex, nor even kissed yet. We go on dates, she has me over for dinners, and has even had me spend the night a couple of times (in the spare bedroom). I've met her friends, and she told me her girlfriend told her that I'm a good man. She will often flirt with me, and she cuddles up to me when we're watching a movie on the couch. Often, we will hold hands. She lets me caress and massage her, but NEVER reciprocates my affection. She won't say anything, nor react in any way; it's like she's made of stone. I don't touch her intimate zones, but she kind of moves so that I have easier access. When I mention that I need affection too, she deflects me by saying she needs more time, or is just 'confused.' She always says she is scared and needs to be sure that she has found the right one. She will cry easily, and shuts down emotionally when I try to address the topic. I really like her, but I need more from a partner than I'm receiving from her. I need some encouragement and affection to feel validated, myself. I think she has a lot of deep seeded hurt that I want to help her through, but I don't know how to reach her. I texted her, explaining what my needs in a relationship are, but she refused to address the topic at all. It's starting to become clear to me that she doesn't have me in mind as her partner. I don't think it's a good idea for me to be around her much anymore. Should I give her more time? Or just part ways with her? I really don't know what else I can do...
stillafool Posted October 7, 2021 Posted October 7, 2021 2 minutes ago, Boredbored said: It's starting to become clear to me that she doesn't have me in mind as her partner If you really do feel this way you have no other choice but to exit this situation. You aren't going to get your needs fulfilled there so wish her the best and exit. She won't even address your issues so what other choice to you have? To stay and remain frustrated? I don't think so. 3
glows Posted October 7, 2021 Posted October 7, 2021 (edited) Is this long distance? Why are you sleeping in a separate room? Preferably go home after each date. She doesn't sound ready to be intimate and it comes across as you being a little too aggressive with the intimacy too early. She is addressing the topic. You are not listening. She doesn't have to give you explicit details about why she's not ready to have sex with you. Give her more space and go home after your dates. Let her go if you want more sexual intimacy early on when seeing someone. Edited October 7, 2021 by glows 1
smackie9 Posted October 7, 2021 Posted October 7, 2021 Oh yuck really, you want to date someone like this? This girl is punt-able to the curb. Tip: you date those who treat you the way you expect to be treated. After two months of this, oh why my friend why are you still with her? 2
Wiseman2 Posted October 7, 2021 Posted October 7, 2021 1 hour ago, Boredbored said: We go on dates, she has me over for dinners, and has even had me spend the night a couple of times (in the spare bedroom). When I mention that I need affection too, she deflects me by saying she needs more time, or is just 'confused.' She always says she is scared and needs to be sure that she has found the right one. Sorry this is happening. It's an odd combo of too much too soon and not enough happening. At 60 days dating, cut your losses. Lots of red flags, for example what's up with sexless sleepovers? She's treating you like a male-girlfriend. If she's 'confused' or 'needs time' let her do that without having you sleep over. She seems too messed up to date right now. While taking her time getting sexual until you're exclusive etc. is fine, the sleepovers are sheer nonsense. 1
dramafreezone Posted October 7, 2021 Posted October 7, 2021 2 hours ago, Boredbored said: So, I've been 'dating' a woman I met on Match, for about two months now. We haven't had sex, nor even kissed yet. We go on dates, she has me over for dinners, and has even had me spend the night a couple of times (in the spare bedroom). I've met her friends, and she told me her girlfriend told her that I'm a good man. She will often flirt with me, and she cuddles up to me when we're watching a movie on the couch. Often, we will hold hands. She lets me caress and massage her, but NEVER reciprocates my affection. She won't say anything, nor react in any way; it's like she's made of stone. I don't touch her intimate zones, but she kind of moves so that I have easier access. When I mention that I need affection too, she deflects me by saying she needs more time, or is just 'confused.' She always says she is scared and needs to be sure that she has found the right one. She will cry easily, and shuts down emotionally when I try to address the topic. I really like her, but I need more from a partner than I'm receiving from her. I need some encouragement and affection to feel validated, myself. I think she has a lot of deep seeded hurt that I want to help her through, but I don't know how to reach her. I texted her, explaining what my needs in a relationship are, but she refused to address the topic at all. It's starting to become clear to me that she doesn't have me in mind as her partner. I don't think it's a good idea for me to be around her much anymore. Should I give her more time? Or just part ways with her? I really don't know what else I can do... Doesn't really sound like she's your girlfriend. Not having any time of intimate contact is unreasonable at this point IMO. You can't do anything about her "deep seeded hurt." Those are her issues to handle, not yours, you're not her therapist. Sounds cold but it's the truth. You don't have to be mean about it, just say it appears we want different things. 2
vla1120 Posted October 7, 2021 Posted October 7, 2021 You could stay with her and try to help her work through her issues, but is that what you really want to do? How much time would you be willing to invest before you decide it is a lost cause - months? Years? Taking that into consideration, it might be better to cut your losses and find someone who more closely matches your needs. That might sound harsh, and yet I know people who have spent decades with the wrong person, but did not want to give up trying. As a rule of thumb, it shouldn't be that hard in the beginning. 1
ShyViolet Posted October 7, 2021 Posted October 7, 2021 This is not normal behavior. She's closed-off and emotionally unavailable. It sounds like she has some unresolved issues with intimacy, and isn't able to offer you intimacy. There's been more than enough time. It makes absolutely no sense to put up with this. Stop seeing her.
Ami1uwant Posted October 7, 2021 Posted October 7, 2021 Why haven’t you even kissed yet? need to address this to separate friends from even being a gf. 3
flitzanu Posted October 7, 2021 Posted October 7, 2021 yeah, dating this long and you haven't even kissed doesn't sound like you're dating, it sounds like you are just friends. her saying she's "confused" and doesn't know what she wants means she doesn't want "you" so it's best to drop her and move on. 1
Calmandfocused Posted October 7, 2021 Posted October 7, 2021 Whoa!!! You cannot be serious! Forget what’s going on with her for a moment. What on Earth are YOU doing investing so much time and energy in a woman who will not even touch you or kiss you? She doesn’t sound like a prize to me. Why are you bothering? Why are you doing this to yourself? If this is the best you think you can do then you need to work on yourself first and foremost. Either way you’re flogging a dead horse with this one. 4
ExpatInItaly Posted October 7, 2021 Posted October 7, 2021 5 hours ago, Boredbored said: Should I give her more time? Or just part ways with her? The bolded. This woman is not at all ready for an intimate relationship, and you can't and shouldn't play therapist trying to get her there. Her refusal to even discuss it means she doesn't want your help anyway. Time to go. 3
IrinaM Posted October 7, 2021 Posted October 7, 2021 have you tried to kiss her yet? that is how most men initiate sex, not by having text conversations about their needs. 3
Wiseman2 Posted October 7, 2021 Posted October 7, 2021 7 hours ago, Boredbored said: she has me over for dinners, and has even had me spend the night a couple of times (in the spare bedroom). Geez you need to be unhappily married for years before you get the guestroom treatment. Shouldn't happen before anything even started.
Lotsgoingon Posted October 7, 2021 Posted October 7, 2021 (edited) 9 hours ago, Boredbored said: She lets me caress and massage her, but NEVER reciprocates my affection. She won't say anything, nor react in any way; it's like she's made of stone. I don't touch her intimate zones, but she kind of moves so that I have easier access. The above is the deal killer. Distant and silent. Oh no ... no! ... no no ... no! To be blunt, sounds to me like she just wanted a man to cuddle and touch her, whether he liked the man or not. And she's getting that from you. Now, the way to do this with integrity would be for her to own up to her agenda. Don't fall for this unstated agenda. Get out. Yesterday. Now if another person precisely articulates what's going on and their hopes and a timeline for feeling more comfortable-- and at least reciprocates the platonic massages--then you might consider staying. But here, no. This woman won't even reciprocate the platonic touch. Dang dude, what took you so long to realize she was worth dumping? Edited October 7, 2021 by Lotsgoingon 1
Easter Bunny Posted October 8, 2021 Posted October 8, 2021 What I would do and see if this changes things in anyway as a means to see what is really going on. I do agree with the most of the previous comments before mine, but I am a curious person by nature and see this as a learning opportunity. Send her a text or even tell her in person that you really like her, but you feel like the relationship is one sided. That you need someone in your life that will be as affectionate towards you as you are to them. that she hasn't given you any signals that she is interested in such things, and you have no wish to make her feel uncomfortable. tell her you are fine with the friends zone she has created. then drop the bomb that you are starting to see another woman this Friday that you think will be more relationship worthy. That you two really hit it off, and she seems to be into you as much as you are into her. then tell her you hope you two can still be friends, and maybe occasionally watch a movie together. see her reaction. either way, I would walk but I would do this to see how or if she changes her attitude. I think when she sees you are wanted by other women, and you are not going to wait around for her she may suddenly have a change of heart. even if she does, I would still walk. I think you are dealing with damaged goods.
Blind-Sided Posted October 8, 2021 Posted October 8, 2021 21 hours ago, Boredbored said: So, I've been 'dating' a woman I met on Match, for about two months now. We haven't had sex, nor even kissed yet. .......... She is obviously just looking for a friend. you aren't. Time to say goodbye. There is nothing to do since this "Relationship" has really never started. 2
Nothanks Posted October 8, 2021 Posted October 8, 2021 It is possible she has had some trauma in her life (past assault?) which is causing her to take things really slow. The fact she bursts into tears tells me there is something going on. The “no kissing” is odd though so it could be that she sees you more like a friend than a lover. Hard to say for sure but if she won’t open up to you about it, it doesn’t really matter. You can try again and let her know that you would understand if there is something that she is working through. You are willing to go at her pace but she needs to open up to you about it. Or just end it now.
Author Boredbored Posted October 8, 2021 Author Posted October 8, 2021 3 minutes ago, Nothanks said: It is possible she has had some trauma in her life (past assault?) which is causing her to take things really slow. The fact she bursts into tears tells me there is something going on. The “no kissing” is odd though so it could be that she sees you more like a friend than a lover. Hard to say for sure but if she won’t open up to you about it, it doesn’t really matter. You can try again and let her know that you would understand if there is something that she is working through. You are willing to go at her pace but she needs to open up to you about it. Or just end it now. This is an excellent observation. She married very young and her ex husband pushed himself on her, producing 5 children in 5 years. She still harbours a lot of bitterness towards him. Perhaps she sub-consciously identifies sex and intimacy with these awful memories. I told her that I would always respect her wishes and boundaries, and told her I would help her work through this (depression). Yes, I'm definitely a friend to her, but I wish she wouldn't flirt with me. It sends me mixed messages, and I don't want to misinterpret that as being an indicator of interest on her part. If we continue to see each other, I've decided definitely no more sleepovers or even snuggle sessions on the couch. She's very lonely, and is missing someone in her life, but it doesn't seem to be a romantic partner. I'm a straight male with a healthy libido, so of course I'm going to feel strong attraction to her if we're physically close. This can't happen again. Just good friends, it is from this point on. 4
stillafool Posted October 8, 2021 Posted October 8, 2021 (edited) 8 minutes ago, Boredbored said: She married very young and her ex husband pushed himself on her, producing 5 children in 5 years. Has she not heard of the birth control? He didn't make her have 5 kids, they had 5 kids together. She could have made him sleep in another room the way she does you. I'm not buying this. Edited October 8, 2021 by stillafool 3
stillafool Posted October 8, 2021 Posted October 8, 2021 (edited) 10 minutes ago, Boredbored said: but I wish she wouldn't flirt with me. It sends me mixed messages, You need to tell her this. And, you can't be her friend because you are attracted to her and want more. If she does meet another guy she wants to be intimate with you will get hurt. If you break it's best to leave her alone. Edited October 8, 2021 by stillafool
ExpatInItaly Posted October 8, 2021 Posted October 8, 2021 Even if she’s had some sort of past trauma, it doesn’t change the bottom line: She’s not ready to date. She needs to work on these issues and it is likely going to take a very long time. For someone you’ve only known 2 months, i wouldn’t advise waiting around for this to happen. And it’s entirely possible she is not over her ex-husband. In fact, it sounds like she’s not if you’ve already noticed she is still very bitter toward him. A lot of unresolved emotional business there on her end, and even if he hurt her deeply, it sounds like she misses him terribly. And that could indeed be why she keeps you away - she likes the idea of having a companion, but she isn’t over him and can’t open up intimately yet to anyone else. 2
Crazelnut Posted October 8, 2021 Posted October 8, 2021 And also, it's not your job to help her through depression. You really need to back waaaay off from this messy woman. 5
mark clemson Posted October 8, 2021 Posted October 8, 2021 I think this woman actually does like you and want you to be her BF - just on "her terms". However, I would guess she has psychological issues relating to sex/sexual repression that are simply above your paygrade to fix (ie, she needs real sustained and effective therapy). For that reason IMO you should walk.
glows Posted October 8, 2021 Posted October 8, 2021 4 hours ago, Boredbored said: This is an excellent observation. She married very young and her ex husband pushed himself on her, producing 5 children in 5 years. She still harbours a lot of bitterness towards him. Perhaps she sub-consciously identifies sex and intimacy with these awful memories. I told her that I would always respect her wishes and boundaries, and told her I would help her work through this (depression). Yes, I'm definitely a friend to her, but I wish she wouldn't flirt with me. It sends me mixed messages, and I don't want to misinterpret that as being an indicator of interest on her part. If we continue to see each other, I've decided definitely no more sleepovers or even snuggle sessions on the couch. She's very lonely, and is missing someone in her life, but it doesn't seem to be a romantic partner. I'm a straight male with a healthy libido, so of course I'm going to feel strong attraction to her if we're physically close. This can't happen again. Just good friends, it is from this point on. While you are helping someone with their depression and coincidentally having feelings for them, there is someone else passing you by whom you might have a much more fulfilling relationship with. Friendship is fine in theory until it starts to get old and redundant as you both need to move on. Staying stuck in this situation as a friend with feelings for her isn't realistic long term. 2
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