Guy that I am dating wants to take things slow and is hurting me on the process

[Monica_9096]

I have been dating this guy for about 5 months. He is 34 years old and i am 25.

I am very insecure, i don´t trust people easily and i am really really afraid of being hurt even if i look cold on the outside.

I really like him, we have a great connection and i have asked him several times what does he expects from this. His response is that he wants things to work out between us but wants to know me first. He says that we could end up as husbands or in nothing.

I have also asked him if he just wants sex and he says that no and that he enjoys getting to know me. I also do not like that we do not see very often and we talked almost everyday but not a lot.

At this point I am feeling very anxious.I do not know if i should ended but i feel like it would be a mistake. I have been single for 3 years because dating and having a connection is hard for me.

[Monica_9096]

I also asked him if he has been dating someone else and he says he is not. I thinks he is saying the truth but it hurts me that he is not sure about me.

[Gaeta]

How often do you see each other?

How long you spend together?

At 5 months he may wish you and him make it long term but it's normal he doesn't know yet if it's meant to be, it's too soon. That being said wishing you make it is not enough he has to take actions to get to know you like spending concrete time with you, sleep overs,  introducing you to his friends & family, weekends get away together, etc. Do you do any of that?

[Monica_9096]

8 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

How often do you see each other?

How long you spend together?

At 5 months he may wish you and him make it long term but it's normal he doesn't know yet if it's meant to be, it's too soon. That being said wishing you make it is not enough he has to take actions to get to know you like spending concrete time with you, sleep overs,  introducing you to his friends & family, weekends get away together, etc. Do you do any of that?

We usually see each other only like every 2 weeks and we spend the day together. I only have Saturdays and Sundays free and we usually see the day Saturday. He has never asked me to stay during the night even though he leaves alone and i do not know any of his friends or family. I think i'm just being fooled but know that i am writing it is just more real and it really hurts.

[Nothanks]

Have you specifically asked if he is willing to be in an exclusive relationship with you?  You asked if he is dating anyone else but have you asked him to be exclusive?  At 5 months, that is not unusual to ask.  It doesn’t mean you are expecting a marriage  proposal but at least it means he is agreeing not to date others.  If he won’t agree to exclusivity, then either you can decide to date him and others too or decide you are not spending further time on this relationship.  It is difficult to establish a bond if you only see each other for one day every two weeks.  Is there no way to see each other more often?

[ExpatInItaly]

So you've been seeing each other five months, and you only see each other every 2 weeks? Why so infrequently?

You've also never spent the night. 

I am afraid to say that this does not look very promising. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Monica_9096 said:

. He has never asked me to stay during the night even though he leaves alone and i do not know any of his friends or family.

Sorry this is happening. How did you meet? He seems quite uninterested.

You seem incompatible. You don't have the time to see each other.

Dating 20 weeks is enough time to know it's not working and you're not happy.

Do you live with your parents or roommates? 

Why are you a secret? Is he recently divorced or out of a long term relationship?

[glows]

6 hours ago, Monica_9096 said:

I have been dating this guy for about 5 months. He is 34 years old and i am 25.

I am very insecure, i don´t trust people easily and i am really really afraid of being hurt even if i look cold on the outside.

I really like him, we have a great connection and i have asked him several times what does he expects from this. His response is that he wants things to work out between us but wants to know me first. He says that we could end up as husbands or in nothing.

I have also asked him if he just wants sex and he says that no and that he enjoys getting to know me. I also do not like that we do not see very often and we talked almost everyday but not a lot.

At this point I am feeling very anxious.I do not know if i should ended but i feel like it would be a mistake. I have been single for 3 years because dating and having a connection is hard for me.

Does he only contact you for sex or to come over? Reading your second post, you said this also: "I think i'm just being fooled but know that i am writing it is just more real and it really hurts." It doesn't sound like he's what you're looking for in a relationship so let him go. It'll free you to find someone else who is more compatible with you. Trust in a person's actions, rely less on words/answers. 

Edited October 7, 2021 by glows

[Blind-Sided]

I have a few thoughts on this.

1) 5 months should be enough time to get to know someone to commit to a "Relationship"... but if you only get to see each other every 2 weeks, then that's only really 10 dates. 

2) I understand you  are worried, but since you have only had 10 or so dates... when did you first start asking him to be exclusive?   If it was early on... his worry could be that you are too clingy. 

3) Since he is older... is he divorced?  Is he recently out of a long relationship?   The reason I ask is... after my divorce... I wanted someone to be with... but I wasn't ready for a new GF to be my wife.  AND... I think on some level my current GF is like you.   She was also divorced, but I didn't ask her to move in... so she has to maintain her own house, even though she is here most of the time. 

I would love to give you some real, tangible advice... but the realty is... you can only move as fast as the other person wants to. AND... if it's too slow... you may have to just move on.

[poppyfields]

10 hours ago, Monica_9096 said:

We usually see each other only like every 2 weeks and we spend the day together. I only have Saturdays and Sundays free and we usually see the day Saturday.

Just to be clear, you spend every other Saturday together, no nighttime dates?  During the entire 5 months you've been dating?  And you have sex during these daytime dates?  Then leave? 

What is he doing Saturday nights? 

I'm sorry to say but this doesn't even sound like dating.  

I wouldn't bother asking more questions, I don't think he is being truthful with you.   He is hiding something, my guess is an unfullfilling marriage but that's just a guess. 

Nothing to do with incompatibility, guy is shady and not being forthright.

Not sure how much experience you have, but this is NOT what dating or being in a relationship looks like, something sounds terribly off.

Especially only having daytime "dates" for sex every two weeks, assuming I understood your post correctly.  I'm actually hoping I didn't. 

Unless you are seeking a FWB or FB situation, I'd say goodbye and look for someone who has more time and actually gives a *.

I'm sorry. 

 

Edited October 7, 2021 by poppyfields

[Lotsgoingon]

Well you SHOULD be anxious, because the relationship is not reassuring. Anyone would be anxious in your situation.

You got great suggestions already. I'm just emphasizing that yes, you are in an anxiety-producing relationship. This level of distance and infrequency and lack of clarity will drive the most confident people nut. But confident people wouldn't let the relationship go this far without clarity, without feeling reassured.

 As you date in the future,  you want to force clarity way earlier than five months. Like there should be clarity and reassurance after a month, certainly after two.  You've let this drag on way too long. 

And my thinking: if you don't feel emotionally safe in a relationship, that means you are NOT emotionally safe in that relationship. Period. 

[stillafool]

12 hours ago, Monica_9096 said:

He says that we could end up as husbands or in nothing.

Is this a same sex relationship?

[smackie9]

Cut your losses. Seriously after 5 months and this is all you have to show for it? No, you can do better than this. End it.

Edited October 7, 2021 by smackie9

[ASG]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Is this a same sex relationship?

I don't think english is the OPs first language and this might just be a "lost in translation" thing. At least that's how I interpreted it, since Monica is not a very ambiguous name, and not very inventive either. 

So my take is that OP is a woman, dating a man.

I find it troublesome that, at 5 months, regardless of how many dates, he has never invited you to spend the night, even though he lives on his own. That to me shouts that he's 1) not that interested and 2) possibly hiding something? Though that might just be our interpretation due to lack of information, since you said you see him Saturday day, but did not specify what time your date usually ends. In my language "day" means the whole day, with no necessary distinction between day and night (though that also exists). Do you have dinner together when you see each other on Saturdays? 

And... do you have sex and leave?

[ShyViolet]

If he's only seeing you once every 2 weeks, he's not interested in a serious relationship with you.  If he was, he would stop at nothing to see you more often.  Accept the fact that he's not able to give you what you want.  If you need to constantly ask him what the status is of the relationship for reassurance, then this isn't the man for you.  You're only hurting YOURSELF by staying in a relationship where the man clearly isn't that interested in you and is keeping you at arm's length.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

1) 5 months should be enough time to get to know someone to commit to a "Relationship"... but if you only get to see each other every 2 weeks, then that's only really 10 dates. 

Agree. This is beyond slow to the point of a very unsatisfactory crawl. Rethink if it's worth your while.

[basil67]

Monica, I think you're seeing the reasons why this guy is still single at 35.   The other women he's dated have walked away from this and you should too.

[Monica_9096]

Hi everyone! Thank you so much for all your replies, I really appreciate it!

Yes, English is not my native language and I’m a women.

I spoke with him, told him that we are not compatible and that I didn’t want to continue because it was hurting me.

It did hurt a lot and I have been crying all day but I know is the right decision and is the best for me :)

[spiderowl]

On 10/7/2021 at 2:36 AM, Monica_9096 said:

I have been dating this guy for about 5 months. He is 34 years old and i am 25.

I am very insecure, i don´t trust people easily and i am really really afraid of being hurt even if i look cold on the outside.

I really like him, we have a great connection and i have asked him several times what does he expects from this. His response is that he wants things to work out between us but wants to know me first. He says that we could end up as husbands or in nothing.

I have also asked him if he just wants sex and he says that no and that he enjoys getting to know me. I also do not like that we do not see very often and we talked almost everyday but not a lot.

At this point I am feeling very anxious.I do not know if i should ended but i feel like it would be a mistake. I have been single for 3 years because dating and having a connection is hard for me.

I think you need to trust your own feelings to tell you whether this is a good situation for you or not, Monica.

You do not feel comfortable with not seeing him very often.  If someone wants a relationship, they will make an effort to see the other person .  He is not making an effort.

You are feeling anxious and insecure.  Not surprisingly, you are not comfortable with that.

If you are seeing this guy in person say twice a week, then I would say he's interested in you and is just getting to know you.  If you are barely seeing each other in a month, then I would say he is not interested in a relationship but is just keeping you around for company.  As you want more than occasional company, you would be better of finding someone as interested as you.

It is perhaps worth mentioning that you say you seem cold on the outside.  I completely understand that is a defence mechanism and why you would maintain that, but if the other person is being loving and affectionate, they will feel their affections are not being reciprocated.  If this guy is not being affection or involved with you, then maybe you are being reserved for good reason.

Edited October 10, 2021 by spiderowl