CalipsoRose Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 Just started talking to a new guy. We are going to meet on Friday. We were texting a lot, really hitting it off. But because me not wanting kids has halted connections in the past, I wanted to be up front with him about this early on so that I didn't waste my time again. I texted him an hour ago this, "I noticed it says on your profile that you do want kids in the future? I dont want kids. I can explain why later. I just have to be up front about that early on because it was an issue in my last connection." He replied, "I do want kids. Its not an issue to me for us to hang out though. I know you want a relationship but you're new to the area and we could certainly be friends. We seem to have a lot in common." I'm a bit confused by his response - friends? I'm not looking to just hang out as friends (we live 40-50 mins away from each other so its not convenient). So I dont know what to say back to that. Does he really mean he just wants to be friends now or am I misunderstanding something?
Gaeta Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 He's probably aiming at friends with benefits. Doesn't matter what motivates him, you are not interested in anything else than a relatiinship so cancel the meeting and wish him luck. 8
princessaurora Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 It's not like you're looking to get married tomorrow. I would still meet him and see how it goes. I know people don't like to hear this, but many people change their mind about kids, and that can be on either side. I've had friends who swear they'd never have them and eventually decided they wanted them. I've also had friends who started out wanting them and then decided they didn't. So at this point, I don't think it's a big deal.
Author CalipsoRose Posted October 5, 2021 Author Posted October 5, 2021 I dont know if telling him I dont want kids was a mistake or not, because now I feel like I have been delegated to "friends with benefits" category in his mind. I guess I should just nip it in the bud and not go. I dont want to catch feelings for him on Friday - which is highly likely. 2
Wiseman2 Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 5 hours ago, CalipsoRose said: Just started talking to a new guy. We are going to meet on Friday. He replied, "I do want kids. Its not an issue to me for us to hang out though Too many deal breakers here. Different goals, distance,too much texting,etc. He's basically saying we can hang out, hookup, whatever but it's not going anywhere. 1
Daisydooks Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 He put you in the FWB/friend zone. If its not what you want, dont meet. You've read him correctly. It is a deal breaker for him for a serious relationship but it could lead to something else in his mind.
Daisydooks Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 1 hour ago, CalipsoRose said: I dont know if telling him I dont want kids was a mistake or not, because now I feel like I have been delegated to "friends with benefits" category in his mind. I guess I should just nip it in the bud and not go. I dont want to catch feelings for him on Friday - which is highly likely. I dont think its a mistake. Weed these things out early and no one gets hurt. 2
elaine567 Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 I don't know why the rush to say he wants fwb. Surely he is just softening the rejection by saying "let's be friends" with probably no intention of maintaining a friendship. 1
Wiseman2 Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 1 hour ago, CalipsoRose said: . I guess I should just nip it in the bud and not go. Agree. Sounds like a waste of time meeting him. 1
Blind-Sided Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 I have a female friend who did want kids, and she had several connections on OLD that led to "Dating". The real issue was... after a few months... the guy would try to get her to want to have kids... and needless to say... they would break up. Some guys may say they want kids... but it's not a mandatory point. Personally... I wouldn't bother with the meeting if you know he isn't flexible on that point. 1
bene Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 It’s a major incompatibility. If you’re willing to casually date or hook up then why not meet him. Otherwise you will face this issue at some point. I wouldn’t put much weight on his choice of words about being friends. It could be just a way to be polite and not dramatically slam the door.
d0nnivain Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 (edited) Go on this date / meet up. He knows the score & is offering to play tour guide since you are new to the area. Take him up on that but don't "date" him. The kids issue is a major point of incompatibility; don't even try to bridge that gap. Make sure you go dutch as in you pay for yourself or maybe even treat him, in exchange for his expertise as a tour guide. Edited October 5, 2021 by d0nnivain
Happy Lemming Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 2 hours ago, Blind-Sided said: Personally... I wouldn't bother with the meeting if you know he isn't flexible on that point. I agree... do you really need another friend?? Because that is all this is ever going to be a "friendship" of an "FWB". Many years ago, I was dating this great Nurse Practitioner. She had the whole package, fun, intelligent, adventurous, etc. We had been dating about a month or two when she asked me if I was done being nomadic, as she wanted to have children. She was 37 (if memory serves) and didn't want to lose her window for having them. This woman explained that she didn't want them TODAY, but also didn't want to invest 2 years in a relationship for me to "pull up stakes" and head to my next location/adventure. I was honest and told her I just didn't know what my next move was and that we should probably break up, so she could pursue someone that wanted that "white picket fence" dream. In the end, it was the right decision...
glows Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 12 hours ago, CalipsoRose said: He replied, "I do want kids. Its not an issue to me for us to hang out though. I know you want a relationship but you're new to the area and we could certainly be friends. We seem to have a lot in common." I'm a bit confused by his response - friends? I'm not looking to just hang out as friends (we live 40-50 mins away from each other so its not convenient). So I dont know what to say back to that. Does he really mean he just wants to be friends now or am I misunderstanding something? The answer is No coming from him. He doesn't see you as a match if you don't want kids. He's offering friendship so as not to appear rude. You have to read between the lines. If you have time, go on the date and have fun. If you don't have time or patience, pass.
smackie9 Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 You are here posting about this says something isn't right....and it's not. Follow your instinct this guy isn't worth your time.
stillafool Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 9 hours ago, CalipsoRose said: I dont know if telling him I dont want kids was a mistake or not, because now I feel like I have been delegated to "friends with benefits" category in his mind. I guess I should just nip it in the bud and not go. I dont want to catch feelings for him on Friday - which is highly likely. No it's always best to tell the truth. It's better he's knows now than if you guys start liking each other and you become anxious about having that conversation. Just get it over with up front I say. 1
introverted1 Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 8 hours ago, elaine567 said: I don't know why the rush to say he wants fwb. Surely he is just softening the rejection by saying "let's be friends" with probably no intention of maintaining a friendship. This. I don't see that he is relegating you to FWB. He's simply acknowledging that the issue of children would preclude a LTR and he's buffering his response by offering friendship. You are right to bring it up, especially with men who state that they do want children in the future. 1
Ami1uwant Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 17 hours ago, CalipsoRose said: Just started talking to a new guy. We are going to meet on Friday. We were texting a lot, really hitting it off. But because me not wanting kids has halted connections in the past, I wanted to be up front with him about this early on so that I didn't waste my time again. I texted him an hour ago this, "I noticed it says on your profile that you do want kids in the future? I dont want kids. I can explain why later. I just have to be up front about that early on because it was an issue in my last connection." He replied, "I do want kids. Its not an issue to me for us to hang out though. I know you want a relationship but you're new to the area and we could certainly be friends. We seem to have a lot in common." I'm a bit confused by his response - friends? I'm not looking to just hang out as friends (we live 40-50 mins away from each other so its not convenient). So I dont know what to say back to that. Does he really mean he just wants to be friends now or am I misunderstanding something? Kids a grey area especial fir 40- some di t want to give borth some might want to adopt some have young kids around 10 years to come some have them at college or about to go. what us the issue with kids?
stillafool Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 2 hours ago, Ami1uwant said: what us the issue with kids? She doesn't want them. Lots of women don't anymore. 2
spiderowl Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 21 hours ago, CalipsoRose said: Just started talking to a new guy. We are going to meet on Friday. We were texting a lot, really hitting it off. But because me not wanting kids has halted connections in the past, I wanted to be up front with him about this early on so that I didn't waste my time again. I texted him an hour ago this, "I noticed it says on your profile that you do want kids in the future? I dont want kids. I can explain why later. I just have to be up front about that early on because it was an issue in my last connection." He replied, "I do want kids. Its not an issue to me for us to hang out though. I know you want a relationship but you're new to the area and we could certainly be friends. We seem to have a lot in common." I'm a bit confused by his response - friends? I'm not looking to just hang out as friends (we live 40-50 mins away from each other so its not convenient). So I dont know what to say back to that. Does he really mean he just wants to be friends now or am I misunderstanding something? Seems like he does want kids and you don't so there won't be a long-term romantic relationship. It sounds like he is open to being friends with benefits though. I don't get the impression you are looking for FWB so be careful not to fall for him; the fundamental incompatibility is still there.
Maldives Posted October 6, 2021 Posted October 6, 2021 I wouldn't I had the same issue with my wife lol but ten yrs later it was a painful breakup for that reason. Just wait it out a bit longer till U meet someone with the same mindset and goals 1
Lotsgoingon Posted October 6, 2021 Posted October 6, 2021 Telling him the truth was ABSOLUTELY no-questions-about-it the right thing to do. What you did is actually part of effective dating. Telling the truth performs two tasks. One, it scares off those who aren't compatible with you. Two it signals your priorities to people who are compatible (at least at the start) with you. One of the problem with hiding our real priorities is that people who actually share our priorities can't identify us because we're so busy covering up, for fear of alienating people. Of course, the people we alienate through truth-telling are people we are not compatible with anyway. No, you did the right thing. Not even a close call. Very courageous and confident and upfront to tell him you don't want kids. Applaud yourself for your confidence and boldness. Lots of times on this board people will worry about being seen as "needy" or "clingy." Well doing what you did signifies no neediness or clinginess. It signals self respect and confidence that you don't need to fake your way into a relationship. Great job!!!!!!! 4
kendahke Posted October 6, 2021 Posted October 6, 2021 (edited) Quote He wants kids. I dont. Should I forgo this connection? Yes. This will not end well if you continue. Children are a bottom line issue. Let him go so he can find a woman who wants to have children with him. Quote I know you want a relationship but Yeah, there is no connection other than him having fever for your sex because you're new in town. I'd take a hard pass, unless you just want to hit it and quit it. Edited October 6, 2021 by kendahke 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 6, 2021 Posted October 6, 2021 Unless you really want a new friend or FWB, there is no point meeting him.
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