Weird phone behavior

[glows]

On 10/4/2021 at 2:41 PM, Johnnyflowers said:

@introverted 1 -- this does seem to be a new behavior. I never noticed her doing it this much before.  She may have. I don't know for sure. I just noticed she did it everytime she went to take a "shower" last two weekends in a row.  

@ASG - yes there are some other things that bother me. super minor things.  

@Daisydooks - Has she ever given you reason to suspect she was cheating? Not really.  We did have one incident a few months ago where I was at a tech work conference in Dallas. I told her I had this dinner that night and wouldn't be done until a little later. Not sure if I gave her the exact time..  We texted back and forth around 6pm all good. Then at 8pm I text her "Thinking about you". No reply and didn't even read the message until 10:15pm. I became worried because that was unlike her.  She is pretty close to her phone, has kids and wouldn't text me before saying goodnight." She finally texted me and said she was with her girlfriend drinking and listening to music and she had her cell on the music stand. I didn't buy it. Seemed really weird, but who know.  Little strange episodes like that. They are rare.

This all seems fairly innocuous to me. Even so, sometimes we have instincts about something or someone that are difficult to pinpoint early on. If you are an anxious or paranoid person, then take that into consideration. If not, trust your instincts.

[Alpacalia]

In the shower?

It's weird.

But there may be a perfectly reasonable explanation.

Listening to music maybe or watching something frisky on it?

[ExpatInItaly]

On 10/4/2021 at 11:41 PM, Johnnyflowers said:

Then at 8pm I text her "Thinking about you". No reply and didn't even read the message until 10:15pm. I became worried because that was unlike her. 

A lapse of only 2 hours coupled with a reasonable explanation was enough to constitute an "episode" in your books?

My guy, you are paranoid. 

[poppyfields]

On 10/4/2021 at 2:41 PM, Johnnyflowers said:

This does seem to be a new behavior..

Since this is new behavior after an entire year of dating/a relationship, I don't think you're being paranoid at all, I would be concerned as well. 

I wouldn't make a huge production about it, but continue observing. 

Too many people ignore and then are shocked when they discover cheating, emotional or physical. 

Of course people take their phones with them to the bathroom when nothing untoward is happening, but there are also many people who take their phones with them when there is!

New behavior such as this, should be paid attention to, not shuffled under the rug, imo.

You can also talk to her in a non-confrontational way, about if she's feeling anxious, nervous about the upcoming move in together, and/or how she's feeling about things in general.

Who knows what's happening, maybe nothing, but the worst thing you can do is close your eyes to it and ignore it.

 

Edited October 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[ASG]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Since this is new behavior after an entire year of dating/a relationship, I don't think you're being paranoid at all, I would be concerned as well. 

I wouldn't make a huge production about it, but continue observing. 

Too many people ignore and then are shocked when they discover cheating, emotional or physical. 

Of course people take their phones with them to the bathroom when nothing untoward is happening, but there are also many people who take their phones with them when there is!

New behavior such as this, should be paid attention to, not shuffled under the rug, imo.

You can also talk to her in a non-confrontational way, about if she's feeling anxious, nervous about the upcoming move in together, and/or how she's feeling about things in general.

Who knows what's happening, maybe nothing, but the worst thing you can do is close your eyes to it and ignore it.

 

While I don't disagree with your post, in essence, the OP is not actually sure it's new behaviour. 

He just had never noticed it. Which doesn't mean she hadn't been doing it, just that he didn't pay attention to it. 
Obviously now he's noticed it, he's seeing it happen all the time. 

But that could be confirmation bias... Before my brother told me he thought the BMW S1 was "the people's car, because every one and their dog has one" I had never noticed them. And then I started seeing them everywhere and it did feel like everyone had one!

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, ASG said:

While I don't disagree with your post, in essence, the OP is not actually sure it's new behaviour. 

He just had never noticed it. Which doesn't mean she hadn't been doing it, just that he didn't pay attention to it. 
Obviously now he's noticed it, he's seeing it happen all the time. 

But that could be confirmation bias... Before my brother told me he thought the BMW S1 was "the people's car, because every one and their dog has one" I had never noticed them. And then I started seeing them everywhere and it did feel like everyone had one!

Fair enough, but not sure what difference it makes.  I didn't suggest confronting her about it. 

Whether it's new behavior or not, he has just noticed it after an entire year (which suggests it's new) and should still continue observing and talk to her about her feelings surrounding move in etc. 

Like I said, maybe it's nothing, or maybe it's something, worst thing is to close eyes to it and ignore. 

I won't even get into how many folks have done that (here on this forum even) only to discover their partner had been cheating all along, for years even. 

I'm thinking of one poster in particular and they were devastated. 

Looking back, they admitted there were things (like this) they noticed but ignored. 

Huge mistake imho. 

 

Edited October 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

To add, I'm such a huge communicator in my relationships, if this were me, I'd ask directly. 

I'm not afraid to ask my partner anything.  100% truth.  Unless something is blatantly obvious, in that case, I just walk. 

But this isn't, just something new you noticed. 

Not in an accusatory way, there is a way to ask without being accusatory or aggressively confrontational.

For me, I have a sort of sweet-natured, innocent vibe about me so it's easy, but perhaps for men not so much so it might be more difficult.

But here's how I see it.  This is your life OP, your heart. You are about to move in with this lady!

You noticed a behavior that may be new, maybe not, but nevertheless troubles you.

Talk to her!  I will never understand why folks attempt to seek answers from anonymous posters on an internet forum rather than communicate with their own partners. 

Anyway, best of luck whatever you decide. 

 

Edited October 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[flitzanu]

i live alone and i take my phone to every other room, bathroom included.  it's not always a matter of trying to hide something, it's keeping track of or wanting the entertainment on the phone.

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

i live alone and i take my phone to every other room, bathroom included.  it's not always a matter of trying to hide something, it's keeping track of or wanting the entertainment on the phone.

This is BRAND NEW behavior from his girlfriend or so he suspects.  So it's a completely different thing and would be a mistake to ignore, imo.

Edited October 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[chillii]

lt's not really weird , as you see lots of people take their phone to just about anywhere.

And tbh , anything you mention is really nothing much out of the ordinary at all , except for one thing, something about it is eating at you and with me when that 's happening , l'm usually spot on in the end. So in your case l would be listening to it and getting to the bottom of what's bothering you, just encase bc for some reason you aren't trusting her.

Edited October 6, 2021 by chillii

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, chillii said:

So in your case l would be listening to it and getting to the bottom of what's bothering you, just encase bc for some reason you aren't trusting her.

That may be, in part, because it's new behavior, behavior he never noticed before after a year of dating.

That would get my spiny senses buzzing.

But I suppose if the trust were there, I might not be as concerned but any new behavior that troubles us should continue to be observed and perhaps even addressed in a non-accusatory, non-confrontational way, imho.

[Gaeta]

Been there.

It's a new behavior so yes it's suspicious. My ex took his phone with him in the bathroom and he texted women and browsed dating sites. Has nothing to do with your relationship being good or not, cheaters are cheaters. I thought I was in the best relationship of my life and he was cheating.

Bringning this up to her? Nah. What is it going to accomplish? She won't tell you the truth if indeed she's doing something fishy, she will come up with some answer that you won't beleive anyway. 

One year dating is too soon to move in together. You're just getting to know her. I would delay another year and observe what other changes is coming. 

 

[Happy Lemming]

[ ] 

OP, either your girlfriend is addicted to her phone/phone use or something is amiss.  Both are good reasons not to move-in together.

Edited October 8, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed off topic

[Johnnyflowers]

On 10/6/2021 at 6:32 PM, Gaeta said:

Bringning this up to her? Nah. What is it going to accomplish? She won't tell you the truth if indeed she's doing something fishy, she will come up with some answer that you won't beleive anyway. 

 

 

Gaerta. This is exactly the issue. I'll explain in a minute. In the meantime, she does weird things like this. It makes me uncomfortable.   Why she does these things we have no idea. All we can do is speculate.  I have no proof it's another guy thing. I highly doubt it, but who knows.  One thing is for sure is that checks her phone quite a bit.  She does have kids and a lot of girl friends but still.  It's kind of annoying.   But you can tell she tries to limit it when I'm around.  Some people have suggested talking to her about it or asking about it. Unfortunately, I wish I could but I feel there is NOTHING to GAIN. Only two things will happen if I ask her about it (even in a  super nice way). 1) She will lie and not tell me the truth.  2) It will now make her self conscious to be using her phone. Then she will regret that I am making her self conscious.  Both achieve nothing. It sucks. I'm kinda stuck here. 

[Gaeta]

@Johnnyflowers: Try forgetting your phone in your car and ask if you can borrow hers to make a call, how you think she'd react to that?

All this aside: Only one year dating, children involved, it's too soon to move in together. I don't understand the rush. 

[Alpacalia]

What else is "off" with her behavior?

Is she particularly concerned about leaving her phone anywhere you might see it, other than just taking it into the bathroom?

If she's hiding private details, (and it's not a birthday surprise), ask what's so important that she needs a virtual phone booth.

Edited October 18, 2021 by Alpaca

[Agentra]

There have been threads here where the OP has had no straight-forward "proof", but a very strong gut feeling. Plenty of times those OPs have been right. 

Very hard for us to tell whether it's paranoia or if something is actually going on. Keep your eyes and ears open, OP, and good luck!

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Johnnyflowers said:

.  I have no proof it's another guy thing. I highly doubt it, but who knows.  One thing is for sure is that checks her phone quite a bit.  She does have kids and a lot of girl friends but still.  It's kind of annoying.   

Ok so her phone behavior annoys you because she's on it constantly with her kids and friends.

Now it makes more sense why she would use it in the bathroom when you are not around getting annoyed.

It seems like you are incompatible on many levels from the phone use to the kids,etc.

There's nothing wrong with her, some people are just attached to their phones. There's nothing wrong with you either because that can be quite annoying and rude.

Basically reflect on if feeling annoyed over this is a sign that it's not working and she's getting on your nerves.

Try not to focus on one tinhat aspect such as "it's suspicious" and look at the big picture. You're starting to notice all the incompatibilities and resenting it.

Edited October 18, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Angelle]

I usually take my phone with me. I either have a podcast playing, or a show that I've watched before (for company/noise). Or music.

[Gaeta]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok so her phone behavior annoys you because she's on it constantly with her kids and friends.

I think that's disrespectful. They're dating, she has alone time to catch up with her friends. Trying to have a conversation with someone that's always looking at their phone is rude, no? If she doesn't understand then yes 100% they're not compatible in their value.

[Johnnyflowers]

27 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I think that's disrespectful. They're dating, she has alone time to catch up with her friends. Trying to have a conversation with someone that's always looking at their phone is rude, no? If she doesn't understand then yes 100% they're not compatible in their value.

Gaeta - I agree 100%.  I don't care who you are with.  Be present with the person you are with.  It's rude to be doing other things when together.    Maybe most people don't remember when there were no cell phones and instant communication.   You had no emails either.  You talked to friends on the phone once and awhile or when you saw them in person you caught up.  People being bombarded these days with instant communication from multiple sources all day long.  It's a full time job, that cell phone.   I don't mind your SO checking their phone once and while, sending a few text or a few email, maybe even making a phone call, but to have it on you ALL THE TIME, checking it every 5 minutes, replying all throughout the day....ugh it's like a third person in the relationship always with you. It's not the way things should be. We are never going to be together 24/7 so there is usually opportunity (lets say I go golfing or out for a walk) to check the phone and respond to messages. 

[Gaeta]

Especially in her late 40s, she should know better. 

My ex mentioned to me *once* that he'd prefer I concentrate on the movie/series with him instead of texting. I felt so bad he never had to ask again. When my kids do it to me it annoys the heck out of me and there I was doing it to someone important to me. 

Other than that, how's your relationship? Can she put the phone away while eating out or when you go away together? 

 

[Johnnyflowers]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Especially in her late 40s, she should know better. 

My ex mentioned to me *once* that he'd prefer I concentrate on the movie/series with him instead of texting. I felt so bad he never had to ask again. When my kids do it to me it annoys the heck out of me and there I was doing it to someone important to me. 

Other than that, how's your relationship? Can she put the phone away while eating out or when you go away together? 

 

She is good a lot of the times.   She goes in streaks. There are times she'll put it away and not check it for hours if we are playing a board game together or out for a walk.   So that's why I try to just not say anything when she streaks the other way and is on it a bunch when we are together.  But if it does get worse or annoying I may have to say something in a really nice way.  That is the difficult part because it's hard to think of what do say that doesn't have a negative effect on them.  Maybe something like the way your ex said it.  I don't want her to feel that I'm taking note of everything she does on her phone or making her self conscious, but at the same time, there has to be a happy medium where I don't feel uncomfortable.   I certainly do the same for her.  When we are together, unless it's work or urgent, I don't text people back until she is away.  And I don't check it much when we are together.  Even if we are together the whole weekend. It's about priorities and respect.  I don't resent it. My phone and emails and messages are not that important. The live human I'm with is far more important.

[Gaeta]

When we're a parent we're always afraid there will be an emergency, even when our kids are adults. So what I did is select a different notification sound for my daughter, and a different one for my mother, my parents are aging, it's important they can reach me. 

When my phone rang notifications I could tell without looking who messaged me. If it's my daughter or mother I look. Anyone else could wait later. I've also learn to say things like busy right now, will get back to you later.

[Johnnyflowers]

Gaeta. Can you private message on here?