Johnnyflowers Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 My GF and I are both in our late 40s. We have been dating for over a year and are now talking about moving in together. Right now we maintain separate residences. She has 2 adult kids. I have no kids. One thing lately has made me suspicious when we are together. She brings her cell phone into the bathroom with her when she says she is going to "shower". It's weird and makes me uncomfortable. Does she think if she leaves it out in the living room I'm going to snoop into it? Is she having some private conversation in there? She doesn't really take any extra time in the bathroom/shower when she has it. It's not like she goes in there for 2 hours or anything. But why every time she goes to shower now she has to bring her cell phone in? I've never done anything for her to think I'd look at it when she was away. I can't imagine she has another guy or is cheating since we are taking about moving in together all weekend and she tells me she loves me etc etc. I don't know how to think about this. I don't know if she's always done this as usually I'm not even paying attention. I know there has been times in the past that she left it in the living room. Anyone have insight? I'm afraid to say anything because I don't want her to become self-conscious about her cell phone activity.
smackie9 Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 (edited) I know plenty of people that take their phone everywhere, even into the bathroom/having a shower...heaven forbid if they miss a call/text! The only time you should really take note is when they get a call or a text and they go somewhere private to look at it/respond. Or one of those messages coming in, in the middle of the night. Edited October 4, 2021 by smackie9 4
FMW Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 Since you're not sure this is new behavior, I wouldn't stress about it unless she starts acting funny in other ways. Lots of people are obsessed with/addicted to their phones. Maybe part of her "shower" routine includes sitting on the toilet ( sorry, couldn't figure out how to say that more nicely) for a little while and she wants reading material. 1
Happy Lemming Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 4 minutes ago, Johnnyflowers said: ...and are now talking about moving in together. Don't move in together... there are obvious trust issues if she has to take her phone into the bathroom with her. I recently moved in with my girlfriend of 10 years... Half the time I don't even know where my phone is (I know its somewhere in the house) and same with my girlfriend. Often we'll have to use the land-line to call our phones so we can locate them. I don't touch her cell phone or any personal property that belongs to her, there is a trust there and she doesn't have to babysit her phone (or other items) 24/7 for fear I'll snoop. 4
glows Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 How are other aspects of your relationship? Does she co-parent well with her ex? I think it's odd that she takes her phone with her into the bathroom while showering. Most people don't want any mishap with their smartphones falling in anywhere or being damaged. She could just as easily disable notifications on a password protected phone and you'd see nothing. I don't think it's anything to be alarmed as such about but it's a turn off that someone is that attached to a piece of technology.
Wiseman2 Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 29 minutes ago, Johnnyflowers said: We have been dating for over a year and are now talking about moving in together. She has 2 adult kids. I have no kids. She brings her cell phone into the bathroom with her when she says she is going to "shower". It's weird and makes me uncomfortable. More concerning is talking about moving in together when she has kids and you don't. The shower thing could be anything. Makeups videos, period apps, who knows? Do not move in together if you're already finding trivial excuses not to. 1 1
introverted1 Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 Is this a new behavior? Is it possible she plays a game or checks Facebook while she's on the toilet, the way some people used to keep a magazine in the bathroom? Is she otherwise guarding her phone?
ASG Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 I take my phone with me to the bathroom more often than not. Definitely a must if I'm going to sit in the toilet for a little bit. Is there anything else bothering you, apart from this one thing?! 1
Sun Seeker Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 (edited) Seriously? I take my phone with me every time I go to the toilet, I'm actually sitting on the toilet right now typing this. More often that not I do this just before I shower. If you don't trust her, which clearly you don't, then there is no point moving in together or even continuing the relationship. Edited October 4, 2021 by Sun Seeker 1
Daisydooks Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 I take my phone with me into the bathroom sometimes. Sometimes I leave at plugged in in my room or on the couch or on a table or in my kitchen. I am not cheating on my husband. I am not hiding anything and if he wanted to see what was on my phone he is more than welcome to take a look. If you have no reason not to trust her, Id just have faith in her Has she ever given you reason to suspect she was cheating? 1
Author Johnnyflowers Posted October 4, 2021 Author Posted October 4, 2021 @introverted 1 -- this does seem to be a new behavior. I never noticed her doing it this much before. She may have. I don't know for sure. I just noticed she did it everytime she went to take a "shower" last two weekends in a row. @ASG - yes there are some other things that bother me. super minor things. @Daisydooks - Has she ever given you reason to suspect she was cheating? Not really. We did have one incident a few months ago where I was at a tech work conference in Dallas. I told her I had this dinner that night and wouldn't be done until a little later. Not sure if I gave her the exact time.. We texted back and forth around 6pm all good. Then at 8pm I text her "Thinking about you". No reply and didn't even read the message until 10:15pm. I became worried because that was unlike her. She is pretty close to her phone, has kids and wouldn't text me before saying goodnight." She finally texted me and said she was with her girlfriend drinking and listening to music and she had her cell on the music stand. I didn't buy it. Seemed really weird, but who know. Little strange episodes like that. They are rare.
Crazelnut Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 Seriously? These are the only suspicious things you can come up with? You're totally overreacting. Lots of people take the phone into the bathroom when they shower or are on the toilet. And if she & a GF were grooving to music, it's entirely believable that she didn't pay attention to her phone. I think this problem is you, not her. 3
ASG Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 45 minutes ago, Johnnyflowers said: @introverted 1 -- this does seem to be a new behavior. I never noticed her doing it this much before. She may have. I don't know for sure. I just noticed she did it everytime she went to take a "shower" last two weekends in a row. @ASG - yes there are some other things that bother me. super minor things. @Daisydooks - Has she ever given you reason to suspect she was cheating? Not really. We did have one incident a few months ago where I was at a tech work conference in Dallas. I told her I had this dinner that night and wouldn't be done until a little later. Not sure if I gave her the exact time.. We texted back and forth around 6pm all good. Then at 8pm I text her "Thinking about you". No reply and didn't even read the message until 10:15pm. I became worried because that was unlike her. She is pretty close to her phone, has kids and wouldn't text me before saying goodnight." She finally texted me and said she was with her girlfriend drinking and listening to music and she had her cell on the music stand. I didn't buy it. Seemed really weird, but who know. Little strange episodes like that. They are rare. I mean... You're coming across as very paranoid and distrusting. When I'm with friends I also don't check my phone. And if I do, and it's nothing too important, I don't open the messages or reply to them. I don't know your GF and I don't know if you guys should move in together, but what I do know is that you are sabotaging it. These are not weird behaviours on her part. This is weird paranoia on your part. You are doubting minor things without any reason for it. Why do you think that is?
Mrin Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 (edited) Dude, I do my best reading on the John. I pretty much always have my phone on me even when taking a shower (it is on the counter not in the shower). You don't sound very trusting - the whole texting her at 8pm thing. But she's not given you much reasons to not trust her. So.... You've got trust issues bro. Consider seeing a therapist. Edited October 4, 2021 by Mrin 1 1
FMW Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 Maybe since things are getting more "real" (thinking of moving in together) you're getting anxious and looking for things to question. I agree with those who say you shouldn't move in together when you're having these doubts, whatever the source.
mark clemson Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 3 hours ago, Happy Lemming said: I recently moved in with my girlfriend of 10 years... Half the time I don't even know where my phone is (I know its somewhere in the house) and same with my girlfriend. Often we'll have to use the land-line to call our phones so we can locate them. Ah, the joys of growing old together... 1
Happy Lemming Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 2 minutes ago, mark clemson said: Ah, the joys of growing old together... So true!! Funny story, not long after my post earlier today... we could hear my girlfriend's phone ringing and we were listening to determine which direction the sound was coming from and trying to track it down before it went to voicemail. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 4 hours ago, Johnnyflowers said: Anyone have insight? I'm afraid to say anything because I don't want her to become self-conscious about her cell phone activity. This right here indicates you are not ready to move in with her. When you are dating someone and you felt unsure, you have a right--no a duty--to ask about what's going on. You can ask politely without accusing. If you can't do that, then you are not ready for a serious relationship. "Hey what's up with you taking the phone into the shower?" BTW: you even have the right to ask about this with a little suspicion and concern in your voice. Trust me: she would ask you about this same behavior with a good amount of suspicion in her voice. You don't want her to be become "self-consciousness" about her phone activity? Gotta be blunt dude: this makes not one wit of sense. If you think you can ruin her life by asking about the phone, then you think she's a weakling and unstable and you should not be dating her in the first place. Now the big question: is your gut picking up any odd signals of distance from her?
Blind-Sided Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 If that's her normal... then I wouldn't worry about it. As said above... she could be addicted to her phone... or looks at some app when she is on the toilet. (people use to read on the toilet. I Never understood that) But trust is everything in a relationship. If you don't have trust... then it won't work. The only time this is an issue... is when the person changes. My exW never worried about her phone, and neither did I. We would just leave them sitting. But, when she started carrying everywhere... and basically guarding it... I knew something was up. 1
introverted1 Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 14 hours ago, Johnnyflowers said: @introverted 1 -- this does seem to be a new behavior. I never noticed her doing it this much before. She may have. I don't know for sure. I just noticed she did it everytime she went to take a "shower" last two weekends in a row. @ASG - yes there are some other things that bother me. super minor things. @Daisydooks - Has she ever given you reason to suspect she was cheating? Not really. We did have one incident a few months ago where I was at a tech work conference in Dallas. I told her I had this dinner that night and wouldn't be done until a little later. Not sure if I gave her the exact time.. We texted back and forth around 6pm all good. Then at 8pm I text her "Thinking about you". No reply and didn't even read the message until 10:15pm. I became worried because that was unlike her. She is pretty close to her phone, has kids and wouldn't text me before saying goodnight." She finally texted me and said she was with her girlfriend drinking and listening to music and she had her cell on the music stand. I didn't buy it. Seemed really weird, but who know. Little strange episodes like that. They are rare. As you're reading, lots of people take the phone into the bathroom. Could it be that previously she had it in a pocket and now that she's more comfortable around you, she doesn't mind if you know? Or maybe there's a game she's newly addicted to. Of course, anything is possible, but just what you've written here doesn't scream affair or sneakiness on her part. It would be just as easy to put a password on her phone (which is just common sense, imo, so if your phone is lost, no one has access to your stuff; pretty sure this is a requirement for new iPhones) if her concern was to stop you from looking at it. I think a better question might be to examine where your concern is coming from. Is it really from her bringing her phone into the bathroom and not responding to a text for 2 hours? Or has something else changed in your relationship that is causing you concern? Are you unsure about moving in together?
smackie9 Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 Don't move in together without a common law prenup agreement. Check your local laws. 1
spiderowl Posted October 6, 2021 Posted October 6, 2021 (edited) I can sort of understand your fears, OP, but I can also understand why she may hang on to her phone. If you two have been living separately for most of the time up till now, it will feel strange to both of you to spend more time together. She may have things on her phone she doesn't want you to see, messages from an ex who is now a distant friend, for example. She may have contacts you were never aware of and, while she knows she has no romantic or sexual relationship with them, she might worry you would see them and panic. Now that you might be moving in together, she has to think about all these things that were her private life before. This does not mean she is cheating or that she would cheat. It is easy to trust onesself (I know I love my partner and that the contacts in my phone are friends, exs maybe, or contacts I made online ages ago) but my partner might think differently. So, what do you do in this situation? Wipe your phone of all contacts except your partner? Why should you? You are joining together in a relationship, it does not mean that you should wipe out your past life. Not worry about the phone and then have him pick it up, read it and think you are cheating? Not an option either, you don't want him to think you are cheating because you had a past life. Some would say that when in a partnership, you should have no secrets. I think this is unrealistic. While having an affair is an unacceptable secret, I think we are all entitled to keep the numbers and messages from people from our past and those who became our long-distance 'friends' online when we were lonely and before we ever met you. You are already anxious that she is picking up her phone and taking it with her. She may have sensed you are anxious about her fidelity. If you are anxious about her phone, what else have you been anxious about? Some (not all) women are extremely sensitive and intuitive. I could tell if a guy was anxious about something I said in a second. It could be the look in his eye, his mannerisms, anything, I would know. If she has detected any anxiety from you, she could well be guarding the remnants of her privacy, sensing that you could not cope with her past reality. As it is making you more anxious, it is not working, but she will realise that too. I think it is best you do not move in together if you are feeling there is a threat to your security there. I don't think it would be good for either of you for there to be mistrust and anxiety when you are committed to paying the rent/mortgage together and cannot easily get out of it. Of course, she could be taking the phone with her so as not to miss messages from family or so that she can browse online without feeling observed. None of that means she is being unfaithful to you or has any desire to be. The problem is, I don't think you would believe her unless she 'proved' it to you and why should she have to do that? Edited October 6, 2021 by spiderowl
Wiseman2 Posted October 6, 2021 Posted October 6, 2021 Single parents are used to having their phones with them everywhere. Probably just a habit. Don't move in together. You're not ready for this or that her kids must come first. 1
kendahke Posted October 6, 2021 Posted October 6, 2021 On 10/4/2021 at 2:02 PM, Johnnyflowers said: I've never done anything for her to think I'd look at it when she was away. She might be doing this out of habit because a past insecure guy did go through her phone---and what's on her phone isn't anyone else's business. Clearly you don't trust her and have found a reason to buttress your distrust. Don't move in--you two aren't there yet. 1
kendahke Posted October 6, 2021 Posted October 6, 2021 (edited) On 10/4/2021 at 4:41 PM, Johnnyflowers said: We did have one incident a few months ago where I was at a tech work conference in Dallas. I told her I had this dinner that night and wouldn't be done until a little later. Not sure if I gave her the exact time.. We texted back and forth around 6pm all good. Then at 8pm I text her "Thinking about you". No reply and didn't even read the message until 10:15pm. I became worried because that was unlike her. She is pretty close to her phone, has kids and wouldn't text me before saying goodnight." She finally texted me and said she was with her girlfriend drinking and listening to music and she had her cell on the music stand. I didn't buy it. There are times when someone calls me and for some reason, it goes straight to voice mail without the phone ringing--and it's sitting right beside me. Not all calls, but enough for me to wonder why that is. What she said to you is entirely plausible, but you have painted her as a liar. The truth is you don't trust her, so why are you going to move in with her? Life's too short for this mess. You need a therapist more than you need a girlfriend. Edited October 6, 2021 by kendahke 1
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