jenny 73 Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 I am relatively new to the online dating game and so far have been able to make connections but it takes time to get to know someone you never met in real life as a friend, classmate,...etc. What are some tips we could use to learn more about each other to compensate for the fact that we haven't met in person and knew each other? This is a general question and I hope tips are useful for everyone. In my current case, I am dating someone for 4 months, have been on a total of 10 ish dates, no relationship talk but we talked and are on the same boat: to spend more time and see where things go. Side question: would a one-day or weekend get away sound good at this point to get to know each other better assuming we are comfortable with it? or maybe it is too early? Thanks!
introverted1 Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 10 dates in 4 months is a verrrry slow pace. Is this due to conflicting schedules or is it because you are both seeing others or something else? Have you been intimate? If not, I think a weekend get-away would be a bit much. A day trip seems fine. 1
introverted1 Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 Hold on... are you saying you have never met in person? What was the nature of the "dates" you had?
Weezy1973 Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 (edited) The big difference between dating in real life (IRL) and online dating (OLD) is as you’ve put it. Dating strangers vs dating someone you already know. The only thing that can work is time. Time spent together in person. Most strangers won’t be a match for a relationship, keep that in mind. Other than that, time will tell. Edited October 4, 2021 by Weezy1973
Author jenny 73 Posted October 4, 2021 Author Posted October 4, 2021 42 minutes ago, introverted1 said: 10 dates in 4 months is a verrrry slow pace. Is this due to conflicting schedules or is it because you are both seeing others or something else? Have you been intimate? If not, I think a weekend get-away would be a bit much. A day trip seems fine. hey.... yeah we have been both pretty busy with traveling and exams, perhaps thats the main reason we are slow in addition to my long recovery from having a broken foot. I am getting back to normal soon though We have been intimate to some extend that we are comfortable so yes
Author jenny 73 Posted October 4, 2021 Author Posted October 4, 2021 26 minutes ago, introverted1 said: Hold on... are you saying you have never met in person? What was the nature of the "dates" you had? All dates were in person. It is just still hard to know someone deeper you know? the dates varied from picnics to dinners and movies and even Ferris wheel. not so much activity stuff like hiking yet due to my broken foot
Author jenny 73 Posted October 4, 2021 Author Posted October 4, 2021 also we are now exclusive so i dont think the pace has to do with that, mainly schedules
Author jenny 73 Posted October 4, 2021 Author Posted October 4, 2021 21 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: The big difference between dating in real life (IRL) and online dating (OLD) is as you’ve put it. Dating strangers vs dating someone you already know. The only thing that can work is time. Time spent together in person. Most strangers won’t be a match for a relationship, keep that in mind. Other than that, time will tell. thats a very good point.. I guess i am trying to use the time as good as i can
smackie9 Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 Talking, and spending time together like doing mundane things, like cooking together, hanging out with friends, talk.
d0nnivain Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 3 hours ago, jenny 73 said: Side question: would a one-day or weekend get away sound good at this point to get to know each other better assuming we are comfortable with it? or maybe it is too early? This will give the message that you are open to sex. If that is the message or behavior you want, why not. If you aren't looking for easy sex, pick something more conventional & shorter for that 1st meet. If you want to get to know somebody you need time & non-verbal communication -- tone, inflection, facial expressions etc. Try to video chat if that is possible. There is no substitute for time. It's also not read until you meet in person so hold your horses. There is a reason the dating sites tell you to meet for coffee 1st. It's cheap. It's low commitment. It tends to be well lit. It's relatively safe.
stillafool Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 I'm confused are you asking how to get him to move toward sex?
Lotsgoingon Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 Hold on OP. Ten dates in four months. Do you guys want to be together romantically or not? Have you guys kissed? Four months in--that's friendship to me--not romance. When a relationship is flowing, you will get to know the other person better because you meet frequently and you talk a lot. So I'm not quite understanding the question. But yes, if we're only friends with someone, then yes, that pace can be slower.
Author jenny 73 Posted October 5, 2021 Author Posted October 5, 2021 4 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: Hold on OP. Ten dates in four months. Do you guys want to be together romantically or not? Have you guys kissed? Four months in--that's friendship to me--not romance. When a relationship is flowing, you will get to know the other person better because you meet frequently and you talk a lot. So I'm not quite understanding the question. But yes, if we're only friends with someone, then yes, that pace can be slower. we are dating romantically yes. Oh yeah we kissed and made out a lot and it is great. I told him I am not comfortable with sex yet and he is onboard. Yeah the pace is slow because my foot is broken and recovering so i had to stop dating for a month in between and so the activities we could do for the date have been limited to eating and picnics and drives ( we are both outdoorsy so hiking and more adventurous would be more ideal if the foot was healthy!) we discussed exclusivity on the last date and i asked him if he likes me, he said yes and i said yes. but we both said we need more time together. I guess my question is how to get to know him more at this stage even though we date, I feel like there is still a lot to learn for both of us before getting into a relationship
Lotsgoingon Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 Hold on, I don't get why a broken foot would stop dating. You invite him over and let him run errands for you. When one partner gets injured, the other can step in. Let him pick you up and drive you out an open the door and on and on. I'm confused about why a broken foot would ruin things.
Author jenny 73 Posted October 5, 2021 Author Posted October 5, 2021 1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said: Hold on, I don't get why a broken foot would stop dating. You invite him over and let him run errands for you. When one partner gets injured, the other can step in. Let him pick you up and drive you out an open the door and on and on. I'm confused about why a broken foot would ruin things. THATS WHAT WE HAVE BEEN DOING, he is being nice and picking me up but i mean in order to get to know each other doing some activity would be nice versus now we can only sit and talk with each other. and i couldnt have him over due to covid and roommate conditions
Wiseman2 Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 3 hours ago, jenny 73 said: I feel like there is still a lot to learn for both of us before getting into a relationship You do what you are doing. You spend time together,you talk,etc. You need to allow a relationship to evolve. Try not to fast forward things. It takes time to integrate lives. It's unclear why he's a mystery to you that you feel compelled to solve. What, exactly, do you need to know about him that's troubling you? 1
d0nnivain Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 8 hours ago, jenny 73 said: I guess my question is how to get to know him more at this stage even though we date, I feel like there is still a lot to learn for both of us before getting into a relationship You keep talking. Getting to know somebody takes time & more interactions than 10 dates. If sex is not on the table do not suggest or go on any overnight trips.
Author jenny 73 Posted October 5, 2021 Author Posted October 5, 2021 7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: You do what you are doing. You spend time together,you talk,etc. You need to allow a relationship to evolve. Try not to fast forward things. It takes time to integrate lives. It's unclear why he's a mystery to you that you feel compelled to solve. What, exactly, do you need to know about him that's troubling you? i want to see him interact with others like friends.... and i wish he opens up to me more, he is very quiet
Lotsgoingon Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 1 hour ago, jenny 73 said: i want to see him interact with others like friends.... and i wish he opens up to me more, he is very quiet OK, this is progress. This is a much more helpful and precise description of what's going on than your initial post. Which is normal because writing out issues helps us think. All right, so you need to tell him that you're interested in meeting his friends. Just state that as a desire ... "I'd love to ..." Not as a criticism ... But his quietness--that's a tricky. Shy people aren't necessarily in relationship. There is shyness and there is keeping emotional distance. Again, you probably need to say to him, "I'd like to know you better ... what you're thinking ... what you're feeling." I hate to say this, but you do not want to assume he has no thoughts or feelings (if this is true, you need to dump him) AND you don't want to assume that the thoughts and feelings he is withholding from you are good or normal. So put your desires out there positively ... but also turn on the critical brain. This may simply be an emotionally unavailable and shut down guy. If so, you have to ask if this the kind of relationship you want. Usually getting to know people better just takes care of itself. That's what is a bit odd about your question. So your questions about how to get to know him better--good questions. But you also need to asking if this guy is really just a stone wall that is a waste of your time. You can reach this conclusion even if you think he's a good guy. Lots of good people are just terrible partners for us. So you want to ask the question bluntly--ruthlessly even--am I getting what I want from this relationship? And my gut says that at ten weeks, you're feeling kind of unmoored and like you don't understand the pace or the structure of things, then these are red flags. He might just not be emotionally open. And you can't really change that if someone. Not even if you're kind and understanding. They have to change that.
Wiseman2 Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, jenny 73 said: i want to see him interact with others like friends.... and i wish he opens up to me more, he is very quiet Ok, invite him to spend time with your friends and family. Open up about what, exactly? Edited October 5, 2021 by Wiseman2
d0nnivain Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 1 hour ago, jenny 73 said: i want to see him interact with others like friends.... and i wish he opens up to me more, he is very quiet So plan something for all your friends. Suggest that you get a group together to do something.
Ami1uwant Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 On 10/4/2021 at 12:46 PM, jenny 73 said: I am relatively new to the online dating game and so far have been able to make connections but it takes time to get to know someone you never met in real life as a friend, classmate,...etc. What are some tips we could use to learn more about each other to compensate for the fact that we haven't met in person and knew each other? This is a general question and I hope tips are useful for everyone. In my current case, I am dating someone for 4 months, have been on a total of 10 ish dates, no relationship talk but we talked and are on the same boat: to spend more time and see where things go. Side question: would a one-day or weekend get away sound good at this point to get to know each other better assuming we are comfortable with it? or maybe it is too early? Thanks! meet them face to face ASAP.
dramafreezone Posted October 7, 2021 Posted October 7, 2021 (edited) On 10/5/2021 at 7:36 AM, jenny 73 said: i want to see him interact with others like friends.... and i wish he opens up to me more, he is very quiet So you want emotional intimacy, and he wants physical intimacy. Both of you are holding out. Seems like you two are at an impasse. Relationships are about compromise, you get by giving. Edited October 7, 2021 by dramafreezone
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