LovesLewis Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 I’ve been dating someone since March 2021. Prior to that, we were in the same group of friends, talked, hung out, but I didn’t decide I wanted to “date” him until March. Since then, he has been very consistent in how he treats me. We have amazing chemistry and conversations. We can talk about anything. He is literally one of the very few people I feel I can be myself with, and vice versa. He has bought me a few gifts but one thing that he has not really done is take me out on dates. He has asked me to go with him to family functions ( not ready for that), meet his mom when she comes to Canada in a week ( she lives in England). He is constantly in communication with me, expresses his feelings regularly, sleeps on the phone with me (cute or weird?), helps me with my business. But in my dating history, men have always brought me out on a lot of expensive dates. So I kind of relate real interest to a man wanting to take you out, court you etc. Am I wrong for this? We have gone out twice. I paid once and he paid once. This leaves me feeling like he is cheap and I hate that also. We have not had sex yet and I have given him no indication I will soon. We kiss, he fingers me hands jobs, and performs oral sex on me but I won’t do that to him as of yet. A huge chunk of me, wants a future with this person. But not if he’s cheap and not romantic. Thoughts? Does he actually like me? Am I being bratty?
d0nnivain Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 (edited) Expecting dates is fine. Expecting expensive dates is "bratty", to use your word. He doesn't sound cheap because he has bought you gifts. He also sounds romantic -- falling asleep with you on the phone, offering to take you home to the family. Talk to him about your desire to go on dates. He may have fears around Covid / lockdowns which is why he may not be taking you out to what he thinks are dangerous spots. If you are already doing sexual things, he may think he doesn't have to wine & dine you. It's best that you clarify what activities you expect to feel valued. Try to mix it up to include low cost options rather than expensive dates only. In your own head & heart you best have an understanding of what you are seeking -- quality time together which can include lower priced dates -- or whether or not the price tag of the outings is the driving factor for you. If the later you need to determine whether you think you are or could be perceived as a gold digger. (I love expensive dinners out but I will buy them for myself & will treat others. Because of that my husband explained I'm not a gold digger, because in his opinion a gold digger is somebody who wants others to buy them things they can't afford on their own.) Just be mindful of how a request for expensive dinners can play out. Another possibility could be incompatibility. You are a social person who likes going out. He may be more of a homebody. While Covid forced everybody to be more of a homebody, he may not understand that is not your style / preference. Think about it this way. You can always buy yourself stuff & experiences but it takes special person to have great conversations & chemistry. You are getting that. Stop focusing on the price & look at the value. Edited October 4, 2021 by d0nnivain 1
Author LovesLewis Posted October 4, 2021 Author Posted October 4, 2021 8 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Expecting dates is fine. Expecting expensive dates is "bratty", to use your word. He doesn't sound cheap because he has bought you gifts. He also sounds romantic -- falling asleep with you on the phone, offering to take you home to the family. Talk to him about your desire to go on dates. He may have fears around Covid / lockdowns which is why he may not be taking you out to what he thinks are dangerous spots. If you are already doing sexual things, he may think he doesn't have to wine & dine you. It's best that you clarify what activities you expect to feel valued. Try to mix it up to include low cost options rather than expensive dates only. In your own head & heart you best have an understanding of what you are seeking -- quality time together which can include lower priced dates -- or whether or not the price tag of the outings is the driving factor for you. If the later you need to determine whether you think you are or could be perceived as a gold digger. (I love expensive dinners out but I will buy them for myself & will treat others. Because of that my husband explained I'm not a gold digger, because in his opinion a gold digger is somebody who wants others to buy them things they can't afford on their own.) Just be mindful of how a request for expensive dinners can play out. Another possibility could be incompatibility. You are a social person who likes going out. He may be more of a homebody. While Covid forced everybody to be more of a homebody, he may not understand that is not your style / preference. Think about it this way. You can always buy yourself stuff & experiences but it takes special person to have great conversations & chemistry. You are getting that. Stop focusing on the price & look at the value. I have let him know my expectations, but also that they didn’t have to require a lot of money as I know his work has been inconsistent due to Covid. I’m not at all social, I actually stay home outside of work, running errands, and seeing him. He goes to friends homes a lot. Outside of me, he has been on one date! He doesn’t have a lot of experience in the dating department, where as I have been a ton of dates. Which I do like because he doesn’t have any serious exes. Anything I talk to him about he makes an effort to change. He has honestly brought a lot of positivity into my life, when I needed it the most. I’ve brought up taking a break and he almost becomes hysterical, shows up at my home at 3am. So it all leaves me confused as to why he can’t plan a picnic, or a walk on the beach. I’m a very simple person but I know what I like.
d0nnivain Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 He can't plan a date because he has limited experience. My husband can't plan anything either so I do most of the planning. If your guy is otherwise a great guy teach him how to plan & go from there. 2
Wiseman2 Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 3 hours ago, LovesLewis said: I’ve brought up taking a break and he almost becomes hysterical, shows up at my home at 3am. Why can't you plan dates? It's unclear why you keep suggesting breakups. It it to change him or because you're unhappy he's not more like your wining and dining exes? Unfortunately you seem incompatible. If he's a homebody and you would rather go out it's not working out.
Author LovesLewis Posted October 5, 2021 Author Posted October 5, 2021 17 hours ago, d0nnivain said: He can't plan a date because he has limited experience. My husband can't plan anything either so I do most of the planning. If your guy is otherwise a great guy teach him how to plan & go from there. I agree! Thank you 1
Wiseman2 Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 18 hours ago, LovesLewis said: a huge chunk of me, wants a future with this person. But not if he’s cheap and not romantic. You're investment in him is quite low. You're cold, refuse to socialize with him and keep him at arm's length. You can't "teach" someone to treat you like your exes did. You're not compatible, that's all. Set yourselves free. Then he can find a homebody who at least is somewhat affectionate and you can find another wining and dining guy. 1
Alpacalia Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 Could it be that maybe you might have a preconceived notion about what "should" happen with a boyfriend? 21 hours ago, LovesLewis said: But in my dating history, men have always brought me out on a lot of expensive dates. So I kind of relate real interest to a man wanting to take you out, court you etc. Am I wrong for this? We have gone out twice. You say you've gone out together twice and you've been together since March. Why not suggest doing something together that you know he likes?
Author LovesLewis Posted October 5, 2021 Author Posted October 5, 2021 3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: You're investment in him is quite low. You're cold, refuse to socialize with him and keep him at arm's length. You can't "teach" someone to treat you like your exes did. You're not compatible, that's all. Set yourselves free. Then he can find a homebody who at least is somewhat affectionate and you can find another wining and dining guy. We’re incompatible because I want to go for a walk on the beach or on a picnic? He’s a really amazing guy; I asked him to stop liking pics on Instagram and he did, doesn’t go out clubbing, extremely supportive, sensitive, smart, extremely funny, nurturing, handsome, tall, loves giving me oral, amazing smile and dimples ,always surprises me, comes to my door just for a kiss if I’m busy. I would definitely not throw away all of that for a few measly issues. thanks though
Wiseman2 Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 2 hours ago, LovesLewis said: I want to go for a walk on the beach or on a picnic? Ok arrange that. 1
ShyViolet Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 I'm genuinely confused. If you want to go out with him more and do things, like a picnic or a trip to the beach, or go out to eat at a restaurant, they why don't you SUGGEST that? Just say, "Hey, we don't go out enough, I want to do something. Let's go to the beach tomorrow." How hard is that? Or do you expect him to take the entire initiative of planning it and like surprising you with it? 3
DividedTrail Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 So it sounds like you two are into each-other. You say you can talk about anything but saying you’d like to go out on more dinner dates or walk on the beach is a bridge too far? I get that you probably want him to do it on his own but I mean really, suggest a walk on the beach or a dinner date at a nice but ‘reasonable’ place. See what the response is. Sometime we guys need a hint. We’re not mind readers even if it should be obvious. Especially if things are going well doing more mundane stuff at home. Now I’m not suggesting you do anything you aren’t ready for but you’ve been dating 7 months and at some point he started going down on you I assume regularly, and you’re not ready to go down on him? If I was him I’d be asking some questions. I mean, it sounds like he really likes you and is being patient or it’s possible you give the best hand jobs in the world, but that aspect is interesting to me. 1
glows Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 On 10/4/2021 at 7:09 AM, LovesLewis said: I didn’t decide I wanted to “date” him until March. Since then, he has been very consistent in how he treats me. We have amazing chemistry and conversations. We can talk about anything. He is literally one of the very few people I feel I can be myself with, and vice versa. Mention that you would like to go on a picnic or to the beach. This could go either way. He is not going to be the man who is creative or comes up with date ideas naturally from the get-go. There are some partners who are like that, born planners. They ask a lot of questions, are intuitive and easily put things together. There are others who need time to adjust or learn that that is what you like or time to learn what you prefer doing on dates. You may be incompatible in the long run but it doesn't hurt to give this a try and see whether he is willing to understand you.
kendahke Posted October 6, 2021 Posted October 6, 2021 (edited) On 10/4/2021 at 9:09 AM, LovesLewis said: But in my dating history, men have always brought me out on a lot of expensive dates. So why hasn't this tack resulted in you still being in a relationship with them? Edited October 6, 2021 by kendahke 1
kendahke Posted October 6, 2021 Posted October 6, 2021 15 hours ago, LovesLewis said: I want to go for a walk on the beach or on a picnic Call him up and tell him you're going to pick him up and take him to the beach to walk around. Maybe be proactive instead of reactive and resentful. But if it takes so little for you to toss him on the trash heap, then yeah, you two aren't compatible. You won't even talk to him, so you really don't have the connect you think you do. 1
introverted1 Posted October 6, 2021 Posted October 6, 2021 On 10/4/2021 at 10:09 AM, LovesLewis said: We have not had sex yet and I have given him no indication I will soon. We kiss, he fingers me hands jobs, and performs oral sex on me but I won’t do that to him as of yet. Maybe he is reciprocating your sexual selfishness with an unwillingness to take you on dates. 1
smackie9 Posted October 6, 2021 Posted October 6, 2021 You can figure this out. He obviously has his limitations, but over time things can get better. Have you ever had a conversation about this? Men are not mind readers. never think that "They should just know." Communicate with honesty, compromise. Suggest ideas, plan together. It's going to be different for sure, but accepting change can be rewarding.
stillafool Posted October 6, 2021 Posted October 6, 2021 (edited) 18 hours ago, ShyViolet said: If you want to go out with him more and do things, like a picnic or a trip to the beach, or go out to eat at a restaurant, they why don't you SUGGEST that? Because it's so much easier to complain on a forum than to actually ask for what you want. Edited October 6, 2021 by stillafool 2 1
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