I want love but I have no drive to date

[Dog Lover 82]

I'm shy and introverted and so my drive to go out and meet people is incredibly low. But I also want to be in a relationship. The thought of going on dates with different people is off putting to me and gives me anxiety. Is there any good solution for someone like me? I'm a 39-year-old woman who has a lot of hobbies/interests. I'm a nice person. I've had two multi year relationships and one shorter one, but could probably count the number of dates I've been on outside of that on my two hands. I've already addressed this in therapy and we got to the point where she couldn't really do anything else more with me besides encouraging me to do more exposure therapy, which I have. But I guess it all goes back to the drive...I just don't have the drive to go out and meet people because I feel more comfortable on the couch with my dogs, working out, going on a hike, etc. The few times I have met men who I was interested in over the years, I got really shy and clammed up (happened recently with a guy in another department at work who I'd like to get to know). 

I'd be interested to hear anyone's thoughts on this, especially if you share some of these feelings and have been able to figure something out that works for you.

Edited October 3, 2021 by Tina Marie 82

[Weezy1973]

I’d seek a different therapist. I think you likely have social anxiety, especially when it comes to dating. You’re using avoidance as self-medication. It’s uncomfortable to date (as it risks rejection) therefore you have no desire to do it. The answer is to do it anyways, even if it’s uncomfortable. But often it takes therapy to get there…

[Alpacalia]

Sometimes you're in the mood for something, but then you don't want to do it. It's comparable to ice cream. You like vanilla sometimes and chocolate other times.

Start by trying to make one little change.

Sometimes it can be as simple as just mingling with others, not necessarily to find love, but to be out and about doing good.

[Dis]

3 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

I’d seek a different therapist. I think you likely have social anxiety, especially when it comes to dating. You’re using avoidance as self-medication. It’s uncomfortable to date (as it risks rejection) therefore you have no desire to do it. The answer is to do it anyways, even if it’s uncomfortable. But often it takes therapy to get there…

I agree. There are a lot of bad therapists out there. Find one who will be more committed to helping you. 

 

I often find that when I'm really anxious about a certain event, like my first day at work or something, I envision how nice it will feel to walk out of there at the end of the day AND I remind myself of the end goal which gives me the drive to get through it 

 

Set up a date and remind yourself of why you're doing this.... so you can find the love that you want. The date will be for a short time and when you get home imagine yourself curling up with your dogs and how nice that will feel. 

 

Sometimes you have to try something in order to get inspired....get out there and you might feel the spark you need to continue 

 

The more you step outside of your comfort zone, the easier it will get

 

Best of luck xoxo 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

. I've already addressed this in therapy and we got to the point where she couldn't really do anything else more with me besides encouraging me to do more exposure 

It would be best to have an evaluation from a physician for your overall physical and mental health. There are many quite treatable physical and mental health issues that manifest as anxiety, inertia, low libido or withdrawal.

Your therapist is remiss by not suggesting all viable options for you and simply dragging out more ineffective sessions to line her pockets.

In the meantime, get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men for a low-key no stress brief coffee.

Try to view it as talking to interesting men but not a make it or break it search for love. If it goes well great, if not, it's a cup of coffee.

[bene]

I can relate to your post but there is no other way to meet people than actually go out and meet people. If you want to find love then it is something you just need to do.

[smackie9]

Reality is, you have to force yourself to go through the process of meeting someone, if you want to be with someone. Avoidance is destroying any chance you have. Baby steps. Talk to the guy at work more. Force that interaction with a simple "good morning, how was your weekend?" or "How is your day going?" That icebreaker can lead to talking about your dogs or hikes you went on, etc. You can meet people by going to different places to walk your dogs. Join a hikers club. Just by going out and doing activities will give you a better chance to run into someone that enjoys the same things you do.

[Dog Lover 82]

13 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

I’d seek a different therapist. I think you likely have social anxiety, especially when it comes to dating. You’re using avoidance as self-medication. It’s uncomfortable to date (as it risks rejection) therefore you have no desire to do it. The answer is to do it anyways, even if it’s uncomfortable. But often it takes therapy to get there…

I appreciate the response and sentiment. I don't think the therapist was the issue though. I was seeing one for a few years and she was amazing. We made a lot of progress. But we started running out of things to talk about because I really just needed that slow and steady exposure. She moved and I started seeing a new one. Now, I stopped seeing the second therapist because it really just felt like we were chatting and she wasn't offering me any real assistance besides trying to push pills. Anyway, I definitely have social anxiety, which has gotten better through therapy (mostly the first therapist). But after 39 years of "self medicating" I've actually just become so comfortable with being alone that the drive really just isn't there. I truly enjoy my free time/space and I guess I'm in a groove. I guess it would be hard to understand from the outside and I'm sure it sounds stupid. I want a connection but I don't want to do the work to find connections because it's a bother...yeah I know...

[Dog Lover 82]

12 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Sometimes you're in the mood for something, but then you don't want to do it. It's comparable to ice cream. You like vanilla sometimes and chocolate other times.

Start by trying to make one little change.

Sometimes it can be as simple as just mingling with others, not necessarily to find love, but to be out and about doing good.

This is a nice way of putting it. Thank you. I like the idea of one little change. It is way less intimidating. 

[Dog Lover 82]

5 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Reality is, you have to force yourself to go through the process of meeting someone, if you want to be with someone. Avoidance is destroying any chance you have. Baby steps. Talk to the guy at work more. Force that interaction with a simple "good morning, how was your weekend?" or "How is your day going?" That icebreaker can lead to talking about your dogs or hikes you went on, etc. You can meet people by going to different places to walk your dogs. Join a hikers club. Just by going out and doing activities will give you a better chance to run into someone that enjoys the same things you do.

Thank you. I decided I'm going to try to talk to him at an event we have in about a week. He's already expressed interest in chatting and we appear to have a lot in common, so I don't think I have a lot to lose. I just feel a lot of anxiety thinking about it. I'll try to get myself pumped up in the next week or so. 

[Dog Lover 82]

9 hours ago, Dis said:

I agree. There are a lot of bad therapists out there. Find one who will be more committed to helping you. 

 

I often find that when I'm really anxious about a certain event, like my first day at work or something, I envision how nice it will feel to walk out of there at the end of the day AND I remind myself of the end goal which gives me the drive to get through it 

 

Set up a date and remind yourself of why you're doing this.... so you can find the love that you want. The date will be for a short time and when you get home imagine yourself curling up with your dogs and how nice that will feel. 

 

Sometimes you have to try something in order to get inspired....get out there and you might feel the spark you need to continue 

 

The more you step outside of your comfort zone, the easier it will get

 

Best of luck xoxo 

I'll try harder. I think covid made me even more introverted than ever so I'm just struggling through this. The last few months coming back into the "real world" have been really hard on me. Just being around my coworkers all day is exhausting so I don't feel I have mental space for more socialization in my off time..

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

But after 39 years of "self medicating" I've actually just become so comfortable with being alone that the drive really just isn't there. I truly enjoy my free time/space and I guess I'm in a groove. I guess it would be hard to understand from the outside and I'm sure it sounds stupid. I want a connection but I don't want to do the work to find connections because it's a bother

Doesn’t sound stupid at all. Anxiety disorders are often undiagnosed because those with it usually use coping mechanisms (avoidance, alcohol etc.) and to them their lives feel normal. If they’re avoiding the things that make them feel anxious, they aren’t experiencing anxiety.
 

But eventually that leads to depression as life passes you by. Not only in your personal life, but can often impact your professional life too. The thought of going to a new company where you have to meet all sorts of new people just doesn’t appeal at all. So you stay “content” where you are. And basically your life is designed to accommodate your anxiety. No relationships. No new work challenges. You live the same safe live every day. And you will, if you stay on this path, get depressed. 

[stillafool]

Is there anyway you can go back to your first therapist since she was the most help?

[Dog Lover 82]

21 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Is there anyway you can go back to your first therapist since she was the most help?

I might be able to. The problem is that she moved and she offered to do telephone/online sessions but my insurance did not cover it at the time. Now, with Covid, I'm sure that may have changed.

[Dog Lover 82]

46 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Doesn’t sound stupid at all. Anxiety disorders are often undiagnosed because those with it usually use coping mechanisms (avoidance, alcohol etc.) and to them their lives feel normal. If they’re avoiding the things that make them feel anxious, they aren’t experiencing anxiety.
 

But eventually that leads to depression as life passes you by. Not only in your personal life, but can often impact your professional life too. The thought of going to a new company where you have to meet all sorts of new people just doesn’t appeal at all. So you stay “content” where you are. And basically your life is designed to accommodate your anxiety. No relationships. No new work challenges. You live the same safe live every day. And you will, if you stay on this path, get depressed. 

Well, it's as if you've summed up my life. I don't feel I have clinical depression, but I am definitely "flat lined" emotionally, if that makes sense. Someone else on here suggested I try to make one small change instead of trying to do a complete overhaul of my life, which seems very overwhelming. I think I am capable and ready to make a small change and hopefully another and another after that. One of the big things I worked on with my first therapist was simply looking around while I was at the gym, working up to occasional eye contact and then even smiling/saying hello. I fell out of that because of all the seclusion during the pandemic. At any rate, I'm in a better place now than I was 10, 5 or even 1 year ago...

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

. One of the big things I worked on with my first therapist was simply looking around while I was at the gym, working up to occasional eye contact and then even smiling/saying hello

This sounds really useful.

I have fear of going down escalators (like I'm going to fall off).

I wonder if I can apply something similar to the escalator.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Your reaction isn't stupid. It's a logical reaction: basically the pain you fear of interacting with people blocks you from taking the actions that would lead to dating and romance. Nothing nuts about that at all. 

Your goal then is to lower the anticipated pain of meeting people. 

I agree with others. Get to a new and excellent therapist. The deeper our issue, the longer the therapy has to be and the better the therapist we need. You want someone who inspires you, who you look forward to meeting, who you think is super, super smart about you and your issues. You might be close to a breakthrough in lowering the anxiety, but you are not there yet.

I wonder also if you have some depression and hopelessness along with that anxiety. Depression can talk us out of taking the first steps towards a goal. Depression convinces folks that everything--every action towards a goal--is going to be ridiculously hard and absolutely fruitless and futile. That's not reality--that's just depression.

You might need the aid of some medication along with the therapy. If you made progress before, then keep going. It's as simple as that--and consider consulting with a psychiatrist for medication help in addition to therapy. The right med can make taking those first steps a lot more easy and less daunting. I know so many people who were opposed to meds, didn't think meds were real, didn't want something "artificial" and all of that. Then they get on a med and get relief and all those doubts about the wisdom of medications just evaporates--like immediately. 

[Trail Blazer]

There's no real solution other than finding a way to snap out of your malaise and getting out there.  Going on dates is the only way.

If you want takeout but can't be bothered going and getting it, the solution is to use a food-ordering app. 

Unfortunately, we do not yet have an app whereby you can put in an order and the man of your dreams is delievered to your door.

[mark clemson]

Quote

I want love but I have no drive to date

Rarely, something might happen to "fall into your lap". Beyond that life simply doesn't work that way.

Maybe develop a penchant/talent for flirting while in line at Starbucks or other casual situations?

You'll still have to date, though, even if you meet someone this way. A relationship simply doesn't start "fully formed".