Rose99x Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 Me (f/25) and my partner (m/36) have been together for 3 years. In Feb this year I found out he had cheated on me so I left him & moved out. He cheated on me in Dec 2020. Then in Feb he befriended a girl from work, I noticed her name pop up a fair bit then when we broke up, he was straight away with her. Literally the night of our break up, with her. He said it was only to fill the void I left, he was lonely and never felt anything and cut her off after I found out. I never thought I'd be the one to take a cheater back, but I really love him and he showed me how much he loved me & willingness to be better, so we've made it work. He's sworn up and down he'll never do it again & at first, it was really hard to believe but I've forgiven him and vowed to leave it in the past & try learn to trust him again. It's gotten easier as times gone on and it's felt better than ever until this recently. He deleted fb & ig in April and got fb back in August, since then, I've felt as if he's trying to come across as single online. I noticed he's friended LOADS (literally, loads) of women from work (sadly, work is where he met the woman he cheated on me with so this hurts deeper) and a couple of men. He's only mentioned a couple of the women by name when he's telling me about his day at work. Ive noticed he straight away likes ALL of the women's pictures & posts, but barely likes anything I or his actual friends & family post. He has his relationship status on private, doesn't upload ANY pictures of us or tag us in anything...yet he'll tag he's at the pub or post a pic of his dinner for example... When we first got to together and for ages, he'd post what ever we were doing and upload pictures of everything, now it's nothing. I've brought this up and he claims he wants to be private, but shares other shite that would technically be private but I assume because it makes him look single, he's happy to share it. I'm trying not to look at it or think about it & I know it must sound crazy paranoid that I notice or look at these things, and as much as I think I trust him, I don't trust other women either especially when he's giving the impression he's single & the person he cheated on me with, knew allllllllll about me. Including things I've only confided in him and sensitive things such as my mental health struggles. He also has Snapchat which is ALWAYS hidden from me, the other day we were taking a picture together and a notification came through from a girl called megan on Snapchat. He could not get rid of the notification quick enough and when I asked "oh who's megan?" He ignored me so I asked again, then he made it into a massive argument with the point that he can't have any female friends BLAH BLAH BLAH... YES he can!!! I'm the least controlling person, I accept his REAL friends, he has alot of female friends that I've met or know about.....so why is he not wanting to tell me about new friends he's making including this megan person!? This may sound out of order but I really feel like he's acting like a Facebook slut. I know social media is all for show and it's what's in real life that matters, but he doesn't include me in the real life things. He thinks it's because I'll get annoyed or whatever as in the past we've argued about this type of thing, however, he absolutely fails to listen and understand that I don't have a problem with him having female friends, I have a problem with him hiding it from me. Because he keeps his phone on do not disturb whenever I'm around so no notifications pop up. He did this around the time he cheated and I brought it up as I did have a gut feeling, however he turned it around saying he keeps it on DND so notifications don't disturb our time together.....yet he's pretty much always on his phone when we're together anyway... I really love this man, he knows I want him and only him but Im not so sure he wants just me, maybe have his cake and eat it sort of thing. It hurts aswell knowing if we were to break up again, he'd have allll these woman to comfort him & no doubt he'd move on quickly. :( He's been invited out with a group (mainly a guy & rest women) from his work a few times recently but he's been working or busy. The thing is, I can't and won't say not to go out, I wouldn't want to be told what to do myself so don't put that upon others let alone my partner. But I feel really really uncomfortable him going out with a bunch of women I don't know and never heard him talk about!? And I KNOW if I went out with a big group of guys, none of which he knew, he'd have a something to say about it to! BUT that would never happened because I'm 100% honest with him about everyone I meet and talk to. My apartments gardener gave me his number the other day, just in case anything needs doing or whatever, but boy did my partner think that was weird. Yet he's exchanging social media's with anyone which is way more personal. He even admitted to me when he cheated he'd use snap cos it doesn't save messages. I just don't know what to do and am so scared of him cheating on me again. I fear bringing it up to him as he'll just label me as paranoid crazy. :(
ShyViolet Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 It was foolish to get back together with him after the first time he cheated. Now your gut is telling you that he's acting like that again, and your gut is probably right. You shouldn't have to constantly worry about this in a relationship. There's nothing you can do about this and it won't get better. You need to end it. 5 1
mark clemson Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 No, not crazy or paranoid. It sounds like he's either looking to monkeybranch to a new partner or looking to have you but NOT have you interfere with "outside interests" (aka cake eating). There's a lot of 'convergent evidence" described in your post. You may not want to give him up, but you unfortunately can't ignore this. It sounds like you got it exactly right - he wants to act like he's single. 3 1
elaine567 Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 A guy who cheated on you and who acts single online is telling you something. You need to listen. You are 25, the world is you oyster. Ditch the old would-be player and get yourself a real man., preferably younger who you can have some fun with. Life is too short to try to pander to cheaters. Tip. Never hang onto people who obviously do not value you in the way you value them. Move on. Next. 9 1
glows Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 If it quacks like a duck... You've already seen what he is but want him to be something else. You're living in fear and it's a terrible way to live. Once you get rid of that fear of "losing" him (not much to lose either), you'll see that life can be so much smoother and easier with someone who's faithful or loyal to you. 4 2
Nothanks Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 You can’t make him faithful. He enjoys having you commit to him and also acting single (evidenced by his cheating). He isn’t remorseful for his cheating or he would be doing everything to make you feel secure in the relationship. Your options are to accept you are in a relationship with a man that is unfaithful or let him go. You can’t control or change him. You can only decide though what you are willing to accept. 3 1
spiderowl Posted October 2, 2021 Posted October 2, 2021 (edited) Hi Rose99X, it is hard to know what to say. Basically, (as you know) you have taken a cheater back. He has already cheated and shown you he can't be trusted; it is not surprising to find you cannot trust him. I cannot see any magic solution to this. You either accept the uncertainty and likelihood that he will cheat again at some point, or you draw a line under this relationship. I know you want to be able to trust him because you love him. You don't owe him anything. He has ruined his own chances of being trusted. If your trust mattered to him, he would not have done that. Are you seeing any signs of long-term commitment from your boyfriend? Is he interested in getting married? Is he keen to take you out and show you off to friends and family? (Notwithstanding Covid) Is he doing anything to make you feel more secure? I get the feeling you are committed to him but he is doing things that make you feel very insecure in this relationship. Do you think that is ever likely to change? Edited October 2, 2021 by spiderowl 1
Gaeta Posted October 2, 2021 Posted October 2, 2021 Rose: You know deep down in your gut this isn't the action of a man in love with you. He's a liar, cheater, attention seeker. If he was truly in love with you he would make that relationship-status public and he'd be posting all the cool stuff you 2 do together.... but I have a feeling you 2 don't do cool stuff. You can do much much much better than this pseudo-boyfriend. Always being worried, always searching for the next thing, isn't a way to live. You constantly live with this fight or flight stress. Have you ever been in a good relationship? Because if you had, you would not accept any of this going on right now. It's time to put an end to all this. 3 1
BaileyB Posted October 2, 2021 Posted October 2, 2021 21 hours ago, Rose99x said: I never thought I'd be the one to take a cheater back, but I really love him There is your first mistake. You think that you love this man more than you value yourself. That’s causing you to make some very bad decisions… 21 hours ago, Rose99x said: I'm trying not to look at it or think about it & I know it must sound crazy paranoid that I notice or look at these things, and as much as I think I trust him, I don't trust other women either especially when he's giving the impression he's single Your problem is not the other women, it is your cheating boyfriend who is keeping you a secret on social media, communicating secretly with other women, and giving them the impression that he is single and ready to mingle… 21 hours ago, Rose99x said: He also has Snapchat which is ALWAYS hidden from me, the other day we were taking a picture together and a notification came through from a girl called megan on Snapchat. He could not get rid of the notification quick enough and when I asked "oh who's megan?" He ignored me so I asked again, then he made it into a massive argument with the point that he can't have any female friends Imagine that! He gets defensive and tries to blame shift (YOU won’t let me have any female friends) when he is caught secretly communicating with another woman… 21 hours ago, Rose99x said: I'm the least controlling person This isn’t about control, it’s about boundaries. In that, he has no boundaries with other women and you are not enforcing a healthy boundary for yourself in this relationship. 21 hours ago, Rose99x said: I just don't know what to do and am so scared of him cheating on me again. Oh, he will cheat again, he may actually be cheating on you now. 21 hours ago, Rose99x said: I fear bringing it up to him as he'll just label me as paranoid crazy. He can’t do this if you have kicked his cheating behind to the curb and gone on with your own life. My friend, this is not a healthy relationship for you. Better to be single than living with this kind of stress. Love yourself enough to walk away… 1 2
BaileyB Posted October 2, 2021 Posted October 2, 2021 (edited) 21 hours ago, elaine567 said: You are 25, the world is your oyster. No kidding! If one’s poor relationship choices and experiences in your 20’s teach you anything, it should be a) that this is an unhealthy relationship and this kind of relationship will not bring you happiness and b) a man who truly loves you will not treat you this way. He will demonstrate by his words and actions that he loves you and respects you. No man is worth sacrificing your self respect, happiness, and mental and emotional health and well being. In the future, when you see these kind of warning signs, you would be wise to heed them. None of this, “I just love this man so very much… I’m willing to tolerate his abuse and disrespect.” That’s not love. Edited October 2, 2021 by BaileyB 2 2
kendahke Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 As far as your boyfriend is concerned, he is single. You're the one who hasn't read the memo. He's already tossed you aside. The minute you took him back, it told him that you're more afraid of being alone than you are of getting an STD from him and he's using that truth to his advantage. He's got you right where he wants you: self esteem broken down to the point where you'll accept trash behavior because it's better than being by yourself until someone who wants to be YOUR man comes along. When you look at yourself in the mirror, do you like the person you've had to become in order to have this clown in your life? Don't squander your youth behind this simian... youth is finite. 1
d0nnivain Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 It's really very simple: let him BE single. He already cheated. You were foolish to take him back. Now he is acting as if you don't matter because you don't really matter to him. Be done.
smackie9 Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 Even if he isn't physically cheating, he's emotionally stepped out of your relationship, and seeks other female attention. Kick him to the curb.
lonelyplanetmoon Posted October 5, 2021 Posted October 5, 2021 I went through this as well. We were together 14 years and all of the sudden (ok over time like 2 years) he found popularity on Facebook. My ex also did all these thing including posting like he was single. I did not care because I trusted him but boy was I wrong. After checking out of the relationship because he was so great and I was just mediocre, He eventually decided he could do better and broke up with me. It was painful after all the promises but now I am so much happier. He was not the right one for me after all. And I realize now I put up with bad treatment when I shouldn’t have. It is truly his loss. I am a gem and I know it. ‘You can do better. A lot better. But you won’t know it unless you get out of it.
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