What do say to woman who stopped responding when I asked her out?

[max3732]

Matched with someone on Hinge where I used a rose (you get 1 per week and have to pay for more) so she must have known I was pretty interested. We sent 5 or so messages and they were getting longer and longer. At that point I felt like it would be good to meet in person especially since she lives close to me so I suggested a place and time.

That was a few days ago and nothing back yet.

Should I sent another message like "Still thinking about it?", "Did you want to keep chatting here before meeting?" or "Not a fan of that restaurant?"

I know I shouldn't get attached to a profile, but I'm genuinely interesting in learning more about her (plus she's really cute!). 

[stillafool]

Well if she's "really cute" she probably has more roses to chose from so that is why she hasn't gotten back to you.  Start looking and chatting with others because if she were interested she would have responded by now.

[introverted1]

Say nothing.  You asked, ball is in her court. She is plenty capable of saying she'd like to chat more before meeting or that she'd prefer a different venue.  She's not a child, just a woman who doesn't have the social graces to politely decline.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, max3732 said:

 I suggested a place and time.

Try not to box yourself in with a time/place. It may not work for her.

Instead Ask rather than dictate, what would be a good day time for her and has she heard of place-x or what's her favorite place.

Dictating time, place, day, etc.is never good because she may feel safer in a location she knows better or a time of day she feels safer.

Message one more tome and Ask (not dictate) when she would like to meet.

[ShyViolet]

If she has stopped responding then you take the hint and leave her alone.  You don't keep sending multiple messages.  I'm not sure why you think that would be appropriate.

[max3732]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try not to box yourself in with a time/place. It may not work for her.

Instead Ask rather than dictate, what would be a good day time for her and has she heard of place-x or what's her favorite place.

Dictating time, place, day, etc.is never good because she may feel safer in a location she knows better or a time of day she feels safer.

Message one more tome and Ask (not dictate) when she would like to meet.

When I asked I said something like "Would you like to continue our conversation over lunch? Perhaps such and such restaurant at such and such time?" Does that box her in?

There's another thread on here where a woman is asking why guys just text and never ask her out. 

I figure sending another message doesn't cost anything so why not. If she's not interested she can always unmatch me

[Wiseman2]

Just now, max3732 said:

When I asked I said something like "Would you like to continue our conversation over lunch? Perhaps such and such restaurant at such and such time?"

Why must you dictate the time, day, place? 

Let the woman have a choice. Ask. It's that simple. Would like to see you this week/weekend, what works for you?

[max3732]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why must you dictate the time, day, place? 

Let the woman have a choice. Ask. It's that simple. Would like to see you this week/weekend, what works for you?

That's what I'll do going forward

[glows]

4 hours ago, max3732 said:

Matched with someone on Hinge where I used a rose (you get 1 per week and have to pay for more) so she must have known I was pretty interested. We sent 5 or so messages and they were getting longer and longer. At that point I felt like it would be good to meet in person especially since she lives close to me so I suggested a place and time.

That was a few days ago and nothing back yet.

Should I sent another message like "Still thinking about it?", "Did you want to keep chatting here before meeting?" or "Not a fan of that restaurant?"

I know I shouldn't get attached to a profile, but I'm genuinely interesting in learning more about her (plus she's really cute!). 

She could have responded or counteroffered a time and place if what you proposed doesn't work for her. You can try reaching out again. Your messages probably dropped to the bottom and she forgot about you. She's probably being asked out already by other more interested men who didn't text long messages. Don't feel discouraged.

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes, just proposing lunch was where you wanted to go. Stop there, wait for her response.

She says "yes" then you start talking about available times. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a fatal mistake, but it's awkward.

Let the person commit first, then work out the details. And even when you work out the details, typically people propose say two time possibilities and let the other person reply about whether those work for them. Then you adjust. You don't want to say, "I can do any day this week" even if your schedule is free. Just the same you don't want to say, "hey, how about we get together on Tuesday at 3 p.m. at X place?" Way too specific and limited. And a bit odd--like oh, is this a gap in your schedule that is away from your wife? There's no need to be so specific. 

Think about in real life. You connect with someone and one of you says, "love to get together some time." You wait, hopefully for a "I'd like that very much." Boom, that's an important moment right there. Just the reply of equal interest.  THEN you get into the logistics. The bond basically happens when the other person expresses equal interest in getting together. And that's important because part of what you're doing is gauging the other person's enthusiasm. You didn't allow yourself the chance to gauge her enthusiasm.

An exception would be say you learn that she lives an hour away and it so happens that you're in her neighborhood on this day and this time. In which case, you would say something like, "I'm in your neck of the woods on Thursday. Any chance you're available for lunch then?" So you're giving your reason for being specific. 

Easy to fix next time. Don't over stress about it. 

Oh, and you do not want to ask her out again. She got your message. Ball is in her court. Move on to someone else. 

 

Edited October 1, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[Happy Lemming]

If a person does not respond back in 24 hours to a communication I sent, I move on.

NEXT!!

[basil67]

Regarding setting a time and place for the date, I see a lot of guys recommend this and you've likely taken on the advice.   But as a woman, I agree with the others that I'd like a bit of choice in when and where we go. Problem is, when a guy does the "time and place" thing, this tells me that it's very likely that he wants things to suit himself and as such, I wouldn't progress further with him.  

Be very wary of advice where someone of one gender is telling you what the other gender wants, and particularly when that advice is 'one size fits all'. 

[spiderowl]

As I see it, there are two main possibilities:

- She's not interested in meeting, for whatever reason

- She would be interested in meeting but after only five messages it feels too soon for her.

Generally, once a guy asks you to meet, he loses interest if you say you need more time - fair enough but given that she doesn't know you from Adam, she might need longer to get a real sense of who you are before meeting.

She may not bother to answer because she knows it's a make-or-break situation and asking for more time starts to feel like pleading, which feels rather ridiculous.

I do think guys move too fast online.  They feel they need to and feel they can.  As a woman, I find it too fast and if someone asks to meet before attempting to get to know much about me, it puts me off.  I feel they just want to meet so they can decide whether to 'swipe left' or not.  If they were genuinely interested, they would want to know more about the person they were hoping to meet.  A guy who hurries is acting on looks only.

If you really like the sound of her, then why not carry on being friendly in a non-pushy way, and see how it goes?  Don't bank on her, though, chat to others.

[max3732]

13 hours ago, spiderowl said:

As I see it, there are two main possibilities:

- She's not interested in meeting, for whatever reason

- She would be interested in meeting but after only five messages it feels too soon for her.

Generally, once a guy asks you to meet, he loses interest if you say you need more time - fair enough but given that she doesn't know you from Adam, she might need longer to get a real sense of who you are before meeting.

She may not bother to answer because she knows it's a make-or-break situation and asking for more time starts to feel like pleading, which feels rather ridiculous.

I do think guys move too fast online.  They feel they need to and feel they can.  As a woman, I find it too fast and if someone asks to meet before attempting to get to know much about me, it puts me off.  I feel they just want to meet so they can decide whether to 'swipe left' or not.  If they were genuinely interested, they would want to know more about the person they were hoping to meet.  A guy who hurries is acting on looks only.

If you really like the sound of her, then why not carry on being friendly in a non-pushy way, and see how it goes?  Don't bank on her, though, chat to others.

I guess it's a balancing act. As we were exchanging these long paragraphs over text I was thinking it would be so much better to have this conversation in person. Plus I knew the basics about her and thought it would be fun to get to know her in person since she lives close. If she lived like an hour away I'd definitely want to get to know her more first.

I see your point though. I wouldn't want to just meet someone based on looks.

Also, to follow up she finally replied that she's traveling or else she would have like to meet up and that we can when she comes back.

[chillii]

13 hours ago, spiderowl said:

As I see it, there are two main possibilities:

- She's not interested in meeting, for whatever reason

- She would be interested in meeting but after only five messages it feels too soon for her.

Generally, once a guy asks you to meet, he loses interest if you say you need more time - fair enough but given that she doesn't know you from Adam, she might need longer to get a real sense of who you are before meeting.

She may not bother to answer because she knows it's a make-or-break situation and asking for more time starts to feel like pleading, which feels rather ridiculous.

I do think guys move too fast online.  They feel they need to and feel they can.  As a woman, I find it too fast and if someone asks to meet before attempting to get to know much about me, it puts me off.  I feel they just want to meet so they can decide whether to 'swipe left' or not.  If they were genuinely interested, they would want to know more about the person they were hoping to meet.  A guy who hurries is acting on looks only.

If you really like the sound of her, then why not carry on being friendly in a non-pushy way, and see how it goes?  Don't bank on her, though, chat to others.

Nah l wouldn't say he's acting on looks only at all.

l remember back in the day the email back and forth thing was just painstaking . l just wanted to not meet but just get on the damn phone for crying out loud . You'll know and feel 100x more with a phone call or two than chat crap. But it was funny, some women would say on their page they didn't wanna chat back forth forever, don't want pen pals, others though chatting was painful they'd just drag that out . l remember saying to one , would you mind if we phoned now this chat thing here is just painful. She said really , l was really enjoying it. l thought your kidding surely, feels like pulling teeth.

He may lose interest bc you feel like your wasting your time and she's not that interested if she just wants to chat back forth too long.

Edited October 2, 2021 by chillii

[Philosopher]

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Edited October 2, 2021 by Philosopher
Deleted

[glows]

I'm in the minorty perhaps. I don't mind when someone states the day and time because I have no problem counteroffering. I take it everyone lives busy lives so someone who shows that they have it together quite early on or is assertive enough to name a time and place is fine by me. Most people will however gauge what your schedule is like or ask what what day or time works best. This is ok as well. It has no effect on me how the other person goes about it. 

As far as meeting blindly, from a dating app, I think it's up to the individual how much conversation goes on prior to meeting. If someone consistently asks questions that are better asked in person, it would seem inappropriate and I would disengage. There is no magical formula as previously mentioned or one size fits all.

Edited October 2, 2021 by glows

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, max3732 said:

Also, to follow up she finally replied that she's traveling or else she would have like to meet up and that we can when she comes back.

This is the problem with only 5 texts, she obviously didn't mention the travelling...

[Shining One]

17 hours ago, basil67 said:

Regarding setting a time and place for the date, I see a lot of guys recommend this and you've likely taken on the advice.   But as a woman, I agree with the others that I'd like a bit of choice in when and where we go. Problem is, when a guy does the "time and place" thing, this tells me that it's very likely that he wants things to suit himself and as such, I wouldn't progress further with him.  

Be very wary of advice where someone of one gender is telling you what the other gender wants, and particularly when that advice is 'one size fits all'. 

I've seen various women post that they want men to have a place and time picked out because it demonstrates assertiveness, which they find attractive. In fact, I've received this advice myself from various women over the years. I've also been told by women that asking a woman for input on where we should go on a date displays a lack of confidence.

[glows]

10 minutes ago, Shining One said:

I've seen various women post that they want men to have a place and time picked out because it demonstrates assertiveness, which they find attractive. In fact, I've received this advice myself from various women over the years. I've also been told by women that asking a woman for input on where we should go on a date displays a lack of confidence.

It doesn't mean it's the same for all women however but I don't think that this makes or breaks an interaction either. 

[max3732]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

This is the problem with only 5 texts, she obviously didn't mention the travelling...

That's true. I wonder when we would have gotten to that though. She was talking about her interests, job, family, etc. 

[basil67]

12 hours ago, Shining One said:

I've seen various women post that they want men to have a place and time picked out because it demonstrates assertiveness, which they find attractive. In fact, I've received this advice myself from various women over the years. I've also been told by women that asking a woman for input on where we should go on a date displays a lack of confidence.

Indeed, different people do want different things.  What one woman sees as confidence, another woman will see as arrogance.  This is why I ended my comment with a warning about being wary of listening to people who give 'one size fits all' advice.  Not all women want the same thing, just as not all men want the same thing.

For what it's worth, while I wouldn't want it from a first date, I'd LOVE it from someone who knew my schedule and tastes.  It would show that he listens and cares.

[Wiseman2]

Limit the texting to a few friendly messages, then ask if she would like to meet for coffee and when would be good for her. It's really that simple.

Texting is not dating. It doesn't build rapport. So keep it simple and in real time.

A couple of messages, a suggestion to meet and then setting up a mutually convenient time, day, place for that.

Chitchatting endlessly picking out times, dates, places etc is not only wasting your time, it contributes to burnout.

 

[elaine567]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Limit the texting to a few friendly messages, then ask if she would like to meet for coffee and when would be good for her. It's really that simple.

That is essentially what he did, 5 messages then asked to meet.
What he didn't know was that she is away travelling, but no harm, she says she will meet him when she returns...

[smackie9]

An interested woman responds. No answer, not interested. If she was really keen, she would be all over your invitation. She knows you want to meet, the ball is in her court. The more you focus your attention on just one, the more disappointment you will experience. Be kool, be calm, keep looking.