Blueyes2791 Posted September 30, 2021 Posted September 30, 2021 Hi everyone. I’m 30 and my girlfriend is 26. I’ve been with her for 7 months now. I haven’t dated a ton in my life as I was mostly focused on my career. I’m not just dating but looking for the one to spend my life with. My girlfriend loves me and I really love her but there are some red flags in the relationship. Her friends are extremely toxic and she’s even said it. I’ve told her countless times to stop hanging with them if they make you feel bad and she does but always brings them back. She lives at home with her parents and works as a cashier. Doesn’t have a car and spends all her money on drinks. 90% of the time she hangs with her friends it’s at bars and she basically goes out every day. Either with me or with her friends. I find all that to be very immature. She’s brought up that she needs to start saving money so I said why don’t you just have your friends over instead of going to bars but she doesn’t listen to that either. I’m not worried that she would cheat at the bars but I am worried that she drinks ways too much and don’t like the fact that she’s immature. What steps should I take? Is she not right for me? What should I do?
Gaeta Posted September 30, 2021 Posted September 30, 2021 You should breakup and find a woman with some acceptable level of maturity. You are going to waste your best years on this 0-ambition, party girl who's more interested in drinking/partying and mooching off her parents than to build a future for herself. Honest question here: Aren't you a bit embarrassed to introduce her as your girlfriend? I would. 5
Author Blueyes2791 Posted September 30, 2021 Author Posted September 30, 2021 8 minutes ago, Gaeta said: who's The only thing is we’ve had really great times together and no one has ever cared about me like this before. But deep down I’m afraid she won’t change/get more mature and continue to drink and go to bars all the time. But I’m not sure anyone will like me like this again
Pumpernickel Posted September 30, 2021 Posted September 30, 2021 (edited) You said it correctly, she’s immature. Depending on your own maturity level, that could cause an imbalance and problems in the relationship, and it’s obviously already starting to bother you. To cut her some slack, she’s only 26, and I can understand her behavior somewhat, because I partied it up in my 20s as well. But I also didn’t have a full-time job, I was still in college, and not in a serious relationship. Somehow I can excuse this lifestyle if someone is still considered a “college kid”. If cashier is only her side job & she’s a full-time student, i can somewhat understand if she doesn’t care much about her work, but if it’s her full-time career and she comes to work hungover 3 days a week …… yeah, no. I think partying and drinking is a frat/college activity, and if you’re in a relationship and you want to pursue that lifestyle, be in a relationship with a college student who likes that lifestyle as well. Don’t be in a relationship with somebody who has different priorities in life. Period. Not sure what you’re asking, though. I don’t think you can change somebody, unless they want that for themselves, and if she continues, it’ll be bad for her health eventually, and hanging out drunk in bars without your SO usually leads to flirting and other “opportunities” to get involved with the opposite sex. Edited September 30, 2021 by Pumpernickel
Gaeta Posted September 30, 2021 Posted September 30, 2021 3 minutes ago, Blueyes2791 said: The only thing is we’ve had really great times together and no one has ever cared about me like this before. But deep down I’m afraid she won’t change/get more mature and continue to drink and go to bars all the time. But I’m not sure anyone will like me like this again Of course someone will like/love you again, even better than she does. Her love isn't hard to beat. You think she is amazing while she's immature and a functional alcoholic, imagine how fantastic love would be with a woman that is mature, is ambitious, doesn't drink every day. 2
d0nnivain Posted September 30, 2021 Posted September 30, 2021 If you think she drinks too much, then she drinks too much for you. She may be addicted. She won't give up alcohol & her partying ways for you. People only quit drinking for themselves. Dating is a try out. You have spent 7 months getting to know her. Now you know there are more negatives than positives here so why stick around? She's 26 living at home with a dead end job. She doesn't seem to want to improve herself. If you stay with her, she will drink away your income too. 3
ASG Posted September 30, 2021 Posted September 30, 2021 She's immature because she goes out to bars? Like d0nnivain said, she drinks too much FOR YOU. And that's not something that is likely to changeanytime soon. Hell, my friends and I still drink and go out A LOT and we're all in out late 30s, most with kids! Going out drinking, in and of itself, is not immature. That you think it is means you have a core incompatibility with your girlfriend. That's unlikely to get better and you'll end up resenting each other.
glows Posted September 30, 2021 Posted September 30, 2021 58 minutes ago, Blueyes2791 said: Hi everyone. I’m 30 and my girlfriend is 26. I’ve been with her for 7 months now. I haven’t dated a ton in my life as I was mostly focused on my career. I’m not just dating but looking for the one to spend my life with. My girlfriend loves me and I really love her but there are some red flags in the relationship. Her friends are extremely toxic and she’s even said it. I’ve told her countless times to stop hanging with them if they make you feel bad and she does but always brings them back. She lives at home with her parents and works as a cashier. Doesn’t have a car and spends all her money on drinks. 90% of the time she hangs with her friends it’s at bars and she basically goes out every day. Either with me or with her friends. I find all that to be very immature. She’s brought up that she needs to start saving money so I said why don’t you just have your friends over instead of going to bars but she doesn’t listen to that either. I’m not worried that she would cheat at the bars but I am worried that she drinks ways too much and don’t like the fact that she’s immature. What steps should I take? Is she not right for me? What should I do? If some of these are dealbreakers for you, you'll have to be more honest with yourself. Seeking to change or transform anyone is a losing/uphill battle. You know that. You both may not agree on your choices yet, equally, it's not very mature or realistic of you to keep staying with a woman who so clearly is incompatible with you also, yes? Perhaps both of you need to face the music on this one and call a spade a spade.
smackie9 Posted September 30, 2021 Posted September 30, 2021 (edited) 45 minutes ago, Blueyes2791 said: The only thing is we’ve had really great times together and no one has ever cared about me like this before. But deep down I’m afraid she won’t change/get more mature and continue to drink and go to bars all the time. But I’m not sure anyone will like me like this again This is your future we are talking about....you are 30 and not getting any younger. You have to realize the party is over, the good times won't support the life you expect to have, marriage, kids, mortgage/house, saving for college funds, retirement. You to be starting now....and find yourself a mature, level headed, career driven, woman. Edited September 30, 2021 by smackie9 3
notbroken Posted September 30, 2021 Posted September 30, 2021 Don't just walk away - RUN!. She won't stop partying when you get 'more serious'. It is who she is. Even if she somehow did stop going she would likely 'pine for it' and blame you for 'controlling her' when she doesn't get to go to the bar every night (even if you aren't stopping her but a real job, kids, etc are). Unless you want to spend all your time hanging with her in bars or left at home wondering what she is doing out at them then break up with her. Hanging in bars and partying is a way of life for her. If you want that to be your way of life then stay with her. If not - move on and find someone you are more compatible with. 1
Wiseman2 Posted September 30, 2021 Posted September 30, 2021 3 hours ago, Blueyes2791 said: Doesn’t have a car and spends all her money on drinks. Her friends are not the problem. She's an alcoholic. Reflect on why you are involved with a problem drinker and the futility of trying to fix them. This is a helpful tool for those who are with problem drinkers: https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/ 3
ExpatInItaly Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 17 hours ago, Blueyes2791 said: Her friends are extremely toxic and she’s even said it. You are both blame-shifting. She is just as problematic as they are, if she keeps their company and voluntarily goes out and parties all the time. It's not about them. It's about her, and her choices. You two are at very different places in your lives and it's not likely to work out well.
Caauug Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 21 hours ago, Blueyes2791 said: my girlfriend is 26. Your GF is in her prime, her best time of her life look wise... She will be lapping up the attention. 22 hours ago, Blueyes2791 said: I’m not just dating but looking for the one to spend my life with. This is where your GF will be 10yrs from now, after she's had her bar finds and is ready to settle down... 22 hours ago, Blueyes2791 said: My girlfriend loves me and I really love her Apples and oranges.... It's not the same, never was, never will be. Your GF can not love you the way you want to be loved. 22 hours ago, Blueyes2791 said: What steps should I take? Is she not right for me? What should I do? Say good bye and look her up in 10yrs. She will be right for Tyrone, Chad and every other "Bad Boy" or top 10%er that wants to give her a little attention. Not right to settle down with you for a boring life yet.
Blind-Sided Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 I agree with @Gaeta @d0nnivain and @Wiseman2. "Dating" is to get to know the person, and to see if you are compatible. It takes time for the blinders to come off, and to see the real person. Unfortunately, the real person in front of you is an alcoholic. OK... maybe not to the point that she is "Addicted"... but to the point where that is what she wants. She may be nice, and fin to be with... but you listed 2 of the bigest reasons for divorce. 1) Money: Fighting over money, and what to do with it breaks up more people than anything. (in my opinion) She is bad with money, and only wants to make enough to keep her addiction fed. 2) Alcohol (or other controlled substance) She is still young, and may change... but I have several friends who never got their personality out of "College". I have 2 friends who were divorced because their spouse wanted to continue the party after they got out of school. Not to mention... I burred my cousin (best man at my wedding) when he was in his 40's, and I became the surrogate father to his son. People say they can stop... but then they don't. The realty is... the "Party Girl" in her is fun... but it doesn't make for a serious partner in life. With all that said... you really need to consider that you two are not compatible, and you should just break it off now. If you don't, it will be VERY expensive later when she takes half your hard earned stuff. I wish you happiness in moving forward. 2
Fox Sake Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 On 9/30/2021 at 2:18 PM, Blueyes2791 said: Hi everyone. I’m 30 and my girlfriend is 26. I’ve been with her for 7 months now. I haven’t dated a ton in my life as I was mostly focused on my career. I’m not just dating but looking for the one to spend my life with. My girlfriend loves me and I really love her but there are some red flags in the relationship. Her friends are extremely toxic and she’s even said it. I’ve told her countless times to stop hanging with them if they make you feel bad and she does but always brings them back. She lives at home with her parents and works as a cashier. Doesn’t have a car and spends all her money on drinks. 90% of the time she hangs with her friends it’s at bars and she basically goes out every day. Either with me or with her friends. I find all that to be very immature. She’s brought up that she needs to start saving money so I said why don’t you just have your friends over instead of going to bars but she doesn’t listen to that either. I’m not worried that she would cheat at the bars but I am worried that she drinks ways too much and don’t like the fact that she’s immature. What steps should I take? Is she not right for me? What should I do? Ooft. That’s rough man. It’s a shame you didn’t notice the party-girl behaviour at the beginning. Could have saved yourself a load of heartache. This girl sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do. She has no adult responsibility’s or maturity yet, no goals that you have mentioned aside from saving money. Read your post back to yourself from an outside the box perspective. Do you think that’s right for you? She sounds like a headache to me!
stillafool Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 I don't think 26 is that young. Especially when you don't have a clue what you're going to do with your life other than get drunk and party. In 4 short years or less she will be 30. You are on the right track in focusing on your career; especially if you want to marry, buy a home and have a family. You've only been seeing her 7 months so now is a good time to make a break. You are still young and there are a lot of girls/women who are going in the same direction as you and looking for a guy just like you. You will love again and will be loved again in a more healthy relationship that will make you much happier. Don't let fear make you settle on someone who will bring you trouble. Get out now. 1
BaileyB Posted October 2, 2021 Posted October 2, 2021 If you are 30 years old and you are looking for a mature relationship, this is not your girl. She has a whole lot of growing up to do before she is ready to be in an adult relationship.
BaileyB Posted October 2, 2021 Posted October 2, 2021 (edited) On 10/1/2021 at 9:53 AM, stillafool said: I don't think 26 is that young. There are many 26 year olds who are loving independently, financially responsible, finished school and/or employed, some are married and raising children… In this case, she is living at home, spending all her money on alcohol, and partying like she doesn’t have a care in the world - like she is still 18. That should be a huge red flag to any man who wants a relationship partner, not a teenager who is not acting responsibly and lives with her parents… Edited October 2, 2021 by BaileyB 1
mark clemson Posted October 2, 2021 Posted October 2, 2021 (edited) On 9/30/2021 at 6:18 AM, Blueyes2791 said: I’m not just dating but looking for the one to spend my life with. Be honest with yourself here. She may have many good qualities, be beautiful, smart, great in bed, etc, etc. But ultimately from everything you describe that person = NOT her. Maybe in 10 years when she's turned some corners in life. But who wants to be an "enabler" in the meantime with no guarantee the negative behaviors actually will end. Walk. Edited October 2, 2021 by mark clemson 1
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