Should I pursue?

[Starry_eyed]

Went on a first date with a guy who from his profile I was super attracted to. He initiated chat and seemed really attracted too. We barely chatted before arranging to meet. Normally I chat a bit first / video call but this felt natural.

Went on the date and I really loved that before I arrived he had ordered my coffee for me because in our conversation I mentioned I like a good latte. The rest of the date was hit and miss. The conversation wasn't great, he talked A LOT and didn't ask me many questions. At one point I asked him to ask me a question and he did.

He is a surgeon and is quite systematic in his approach to certain things and I'm wondering if the endless talking / oversharing was either just who he is or he was perhaps a little anxious/nervous. He mentioned he has had therapy for some anxiety in the past.

I would go on a second date to figure him out more because I really liked the coffee gesture and when I mentioned I'm not great with dates and prefer to play a game or something to take the pressure off, he walked into a shop and said 'let's buy a chess board'. I really really like that.

He messaged me very few and far apart messages after the date which is okay because he was working double night shifts. But when he does reply, I don't know what to say because he doesn't ask questions sometimes. The convo from my perspective is close to dead and I just want to break the awkwardness I'm feeling outright. How can I do that? It's a first date so I wouldn't be sad if he wasn't interested but I would hate to think we missed out because we are tiptoeing around.

Can I ask him 'how did you find our date the other day?', basically I want to hear his reflections and decide from there if we should meet. I also want to politely feed back at the same time (if he is interested) that I would like him to ask me more questions. I don't tend to voluntarily share lots of info about me. I don't know why I'm overthinking this, I think starting socialising again after the pandemic is causing me a teeny bit of increased anxiety.

Edited September 29, 2021 by Starry_eyed

[glows]

I'd be concerned if a surgeon was texting me at work too often. Slow down with the text expectations and let him ask you out on a second date. He might have been nervous the first time you both met. If it still seems one-sided by the third or fourth date, pass.

[Starry_eyed]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

I'd be concerned if a surgeon was texting me at work too often. Slow down with the text expectations and let him ask you out on a second date. He might have been nervous the first time you both met. If it still seems one-sided by the third or fourth date, pass.

Hey glows he initiated the first coffee. Also at the end of the date he was hinting at meeting again, e.g. 'we will have to finish this game of chess', 'we can play in my garden' and 'my night shifts come to an end on Wednesday'. I sort of skirted around and avoided responding directly to his hints because I didnt know at that point if I wanted to see him again or not.

He messaged me yesterdat to say it was lovely to meet me the other night and asked how my day was. We met on Monday afternoon so I'll put off asking him for now.

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, Starry_eyed said:

Can I ask him 'how did you find our date the other day?'

Sounds like it went quite well and he's interested in you. Yes, suggest you go for another game, lunch whatever. But...Do not have a "relationship talk/date analysis" after one date. Just be friendly and invite him to something (light easy)  you enjoy.

[glows]

He answered your question about the first meet. He thinks it was lovely. He's initiating conversations with  you via text and asking you how your day is going. I don't see this as one-sided. Could you be more specific about why you're not keen on this person? Do you have any other examples where he skirted your questions or wasn't attentive to you?

Why not respond that you'd like to continue the game of chess and offer a day in the following week that you are free (after Weds)?

Edited September 29, 2021 by glows

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Starry_eyed said:

I also want to politely feed back at the same time (if he is interested) that I would like him to ask me more questions.

Hi Starry_eyed.  JMO and experience but asking a man you just met to ask you more questions places a lot of unnecessary pressure on the "getting to know you process," which should be easy and effortless when two people are on the same wavelength.  

What I men is, instead of relaxing into a comfortable conversation, he will feel nervous and anxious wondering what types of questions he should ask you, instead of relaxing and enjoying the process, naturally.  

For me, I don't really place much value on questions, I allow the conversation to flow naturally between us and the answers will typically emerge from that easy and effortless conversation.  When it's right and we are on the same wavelength. 

I have had many great conversations this way, even over text messaging and email!

However, if the conversation isn't flowing like you want it to, in order to get HIM to ask you more questions and open up, YOU ask him questions and open up first.  Then he can answer and in turn, ask you the same question, or perhaps even think of a few of his own. 

Naturally, effortlessly which is how it should be.

What I have learned is you can't push or force good conversation.  You either feel comfortable talking with someone or you don't.  

For me, when I didn't feel comfortable, thinking of things to say to keep it going or it feels forced, it was a NEXT.

I love open communication, I love discussing various topics, nothing is off limits!  But heck, when it was such a struggle, then it became a bore, a chore and I knew we weren't compatible in the communication department which for me is super important.  Just as important as sexual compatibility!  

Also and again jmo, but asking or telling him you would like him to ask you more questions sounds like a subtle demand, he might interpret it that way anyway. 

 

 

 

Edited September 29, 2021 by poppyfields

[ASG]

I think poppy is right on on this one. 

Asking him to ask you more questions puts a burden on him that is not really supposed to be there this early on. 

You say you don't usually volunteer information about yourself, and in this case, it might be an incompatibility. 

You said he chatted a lot. I am that person. I will talk for ages and won't really ask questions. I just expect whomever I'm chatting with to come up with stuff to contribute to the conversation on their own. Every once in a while, if I'm with someone who seems closed off, I will try asking a question, to see if that brings them out, but not gonna lie... I get tired of it quickly, if I keep having to ask questions to keep it going. I suspect he might be wired the same. 

However, what do you have to lose if you go on a second date with this guy? You liked him well enough, and if you go on the second date, then you'll know for sure if you're compatible or not. 

[Starry_eyed]

Thank you for your thoughts @Wiseman2 . I think I should just ask him if he's free sometime this weekend to finish our game of chess and get a better idea of who he is. He had to go for a night shift straight after our date.

@glows When I think about it factually perhaps he does like me. It has been a question mark in my mind because he didn't really ask me much, he just spoke about himself/overshared a lot on the date. Not much opportunity for me to open up. I would have liked him to place a little more attention on me by asking me questions. It felt 80:20 speaking time. When I asked him 'what he's looking for' he did ask me that back. I think he is the sort of personality that would not take offense if on a 2nd date I asked him to ask me more questions.

At one point I was a bit tired of me asking and him talking, so I intentionally left a silence for him to ask a question. There was silence it didn't feel awkward for me but I think he didn't know what to say so I said 'ask me a question' in a kind way and then he did. Midway through me answering this personal question, he interjected to change our direction of walking which was not tactful timing but I don't think this should be judged as a bad thing immediately. His personality is unique and I don't think his emotionally lacking demeanour on the first date was off-putting or a concern at this stage. The coffee and chess gestures make me want to figure him out a bit more.

@poppyfieldsI personally need someone to ask me questions to get to know me. In the dating world, I'm not great at talking voluntarily at length, moreso when the other person talks a lot. He commented that I seem very self aware and not trying to portray myself a certain way, he said it was positive, on a first date at least. I wonder if he was also implying he would like me to voluntarily give info about myself more. I tried at points but then spoke nonsense because I felt like I was talking for the sake of talking. I ended up clammed up more as a result it doesn't help that I'm also still getting warmed up on the dating scene after a long break.

[Starry_eyed]

1 minute ago, ASG said:

I think poppy is right on on this one. 

Asking him to ask you more questions puts a burden on him that is not really supposed to be there this early on. 

You say you don't usually volunteer information about yourself, and in this case, it might be an incompatibility. 

You said he chatted a lot. I am that person. I will talk for ages and won't really ask questions. I just expect whomever I'm chatting with to come up with stuff to contribute to the conversation on their own. Every once in a while, if I'm with someone who seems closed off, I will try asking a question, to see if that brings them out, but not gonna lie... I get tired of it quickly, if I keep having to ask questions to keep it going. I suspect he might be wired the same. 

However, what do you have to lose if you go on a second date with this guy? You liked him well enough, and if you go on the second date, then you'll know for sure if you're compatible or not. 

Thanks for this perspective. For someone like me in a dating context, the idea of getting 'tired of it quickly' seems foreign because I'm  interested to know who the person is that I'm potentially wanting to develop something with.

Your perspective is an interesting way of looking at it and I think once I'm comfortable around someone I can be a chatterbox  it's just getting past the initial bit. I will bite the bullet and ask

[Starry_eyed]

I messaged him and asked if he is up for finishing what we started with a chess emoji. Will wait to see what he says 

[ASG]

3 minutes ago, Starry_eyed said:

Thanks for this perspective. For someone like me in a dating context, the idea of getting 'tired of it quickly' seems foreign because I'm  interested to know who the person is that I'm potentially wanting to develop something with.

Your perspective is an interesting way of looking at it and I think once I'm comfortable around someone I can be a chatterbox  it's just getting past the initial bit. I will bite the bullet and ask

I guess, obviously, we're all different. I find having to ask 1000 questions to be tiring, and prefer for the conversation to just flow naturally. Sure, you'll ask a question here and there, to focus on something specific, but otherwise, I'd hope that a single question (or maybe a couple) would be enough for the chat to flow and not keep having to come up with MORE questions. 

I obviously don't know this guy, but it seems he might be the same way. For me that silence you have would have been the perfect time for you to say something about yourself! As opposed to waiting for me to ask you a question! 

But go on the second date. See if the communication improves. The worst that can happen is that you decide not to see him again afterwards. 

[Starry_eyed]

13 minutes ago, ASG said:

I guess, obviously, we're all different. I find having to ask 1000 questions to be tiring, and prefer for the conversation to just flow naturally. Sure, you'll ask a question here and there, to focus on something specific, but otherwise, I'd hope that a single question (or maybe a couple) would be enough for the chat to flow and not keep having to come up with MORE questions. 

I obviously don't know this guy, but it seems he might be the same way. For me that silence you have would have been the perfect time for you to say something about yourself! As opposed to waiting for me to ask you a question! 

But go on the second date. See if the communication improves. The worst that can happen is that you decide not to see him again afterwards. 

Yeah I'm probably in the middle of the spectrum for amount of questioning, I get bored when people race through or cover lots of questions, ask generic questions or really scripted, forced ones that don't encourage organic conversations.

I guess when I say questions I actually might mean prompting. Or just a 'what about you?' back to questions I ask, every now and then. I then get signals they're interested and increasingly, naturally volunteer my thoughts more. I've never had this issue historically which in a way is intriguing. If we meet again I will have a go at giving my input even if he hasn't asked for it. Feels like I'm pouring myself out to someone but I'm open to trying new things! Thanks

[Alpacalia]

He was attentive even if he didn't ask many questions on your first date.

I mean, he paid attention to the type of drink you mentioned you liked and ordered it for you, and then he gave you the chess board.

So, even if he didn't ask a few questions to get to know you, he was attuned to you in other ways.

You can always subtly redirect the conversation down a different path by sharing the parts of yourself with which you are comfortable.

Just give him a little "" heads up first.

2 hours ago, Starry_eyed said:

Can I ask him 'how did you find our date the other day?', basically I want to hear his reflections and decide from there if we should meet. I also want to politely feed back at the same time (if he is interested) that I would like him to ask me more questions. I don't tend to voluntarily share lots of info about me. I don't know why I'm overthinking this, I think starting socialising again after the pandemic is causing me a teeny bit of increased anxiety.

 

Edited September 29, 2021 by Alpaca

[Starry_eyed]

8 hours ago, Alpaca said:

He was attentive even if he didn't ask many questions on your first date.

I mean, he paid attention to the type of drink you mentioned you liked and ordered it for you, and then he gave you the chess board.

So, even if he didn't ask a few questions to get to know you, he was attuned to you in other ways.

You can always subtly redirect the conversation down a different path by sharing the parts of yourself with which you are comfortable.

Just give him a little "" heads up first.

 

That is true, I think if those two attentive gestures did not happen I would have been less likely to pursue things.

I will try to share more of what I'm comfortable with speaking about if we meet. I haven't heard back yet so that might not even happen, will update if it changes!

[Weezy1973]

Honestly, way too much energy being put into the early stages of dating. The two of you are strangers. You can go on more dates with him and see how it goes. You’re not marrying the guy! No need to feel anxious.

[Sun Seeker]

If after one date you already think he needs to change this and do that more, it's not a good sign. All my best relationships have been easy and natural this early on, everything just flowed how it was supposed to, nothing was forced.

[glows]

15 hours ago, Starry_eyed said:

 

@glows When I think about it factually perhaps he does like me. It has been a question mark in my mind because he didn't really ask me much, he just spoke about himself/overshared a lot on the date. Not much opportunity for me to open up. I would have liked him to place a little more attention on me by asking me questions. It felt 80:20 speaking time. When I asked him 'what he's looking for' he did ask me that back. I think he is the sort of personality that would not take offense if on a 2nd date I asked him to ask me more questions.

At one point I was a bit tired of me asking and him talking, so I intentionally left a silence for him to ask a question. There was silence it didn't feel awkward for me but I think he didn't know what to say so I said 'ask me a question' in a kind way and then he did. Midway through me answering this personal question, he interjected to change our direction of walking which was not tactful timing but I don't think this should be judged as a bad thing immediately. His personality is unique and I don't think his emotionally lacking demeanour on the first date was off-putting or a concern at this stage. The coffee and chess gestures make me want to figure him out a bit more.

 

He sounds nervous or rusty, perhaps hesitant to ask questions that might make you uncomfortable. Too soon to judge on this one but he does seem like a good guy. He is thoughtful and able to communicate. I hope you enjoy the game and his company. Don't squash a good thing just yet. Good for you for texting him.

[smackie9]

Ya I think things will get better. By the third or forth date all will be forgotten.

[Alvi]

4 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Honestly, way too much energy being put into the early stages of dating. The two of you are strangers. You can go on more dates with him and see how it goes. You’re not marrying the guy! No need to feel anxious.

Exactly!!!

Look, people get nervous a lot on the first date. Sometimes they talk too much, sometimes they don't talk at all. Some people are naturally shy. Some are going to ask you million of questions. Some will not ask you any questions and would prefer you do the talking. Some prefer to observe as opposed to asking lots of questions. Everybody is different. What I find is that everybody expects that instant mad hot chemistry to occur on a first date. But it rarely happens right away. But if it doesn't, poof, a person is discarded immediately.  But why not go on few dates and see how it goes. Seriously, give him a chance. He seems like a nice attentive guy.

Edited September 30, 2021 by Alvi

[Starry_eyed]

2 hours ago, glows said:

He sounds nervous or rusty, perhaps hesitant to ask questions that might make you uncomfortable. Too soon to judge on this one but he does seem like a good guy. He is thoughtful and able to communicate. I hope you enjoy the game and his company. Don't squash a good thing just yet. Good for you for texting him.

Yeah, I think we both were and it made relaxing into connecting difficult. The cherry on the awkward cake was me killing the vibe through my awkward messaging! He hasn't messaged me back so I'll assume that's the end of that.

Even though I don't have any attachment to him after a first date, it's a shame that rather than being rejected for 'me', I was rejected based on a persona which is not me, so there is that 'what if'.

This was my first real date back in the face to face world so will cut myself some slack but it has made me realise I might need to take a short holiday from work to reenergise and feel more myself. I think work stress has zapped the 'zest for life' out of me and that might be coming across, with me not being fully present in conversations and inability to relax into/enjoy a date like this one. Even within my normal social life I've not been opening WhatsApp for weeks at a time because I can't be bothered to converse. Before the pandemic I would be responsive on WhatsApp multiple times a day, every day. Didn’t really reflect on this until now!

Taken a lot from everyone's thoughts and contributions, thanks for all your insight!

[glows]

17 minutes ago, Starry_eyed said:

Yeah, I think we both were and it made relaxing into connecting difficult. The cherry on the awkward cake was me killing the vibe through my awkward messaging! He hasn't messaged me back so I'll assume that's the end of that.

Even though I don't have any attachment to him after a first date, it's a shame that rather than being rejected for 'me', I was rejected based on a persona which is not me, so there is that 'what if'.

This was my first real date back in the face to face world so will cut myself some slack but it has made me realise I might need to take a short holiday from work to reenergise and feel more myself. I think work stress has zapped the 'zest for life' out of me and that might be coming across, with me not being fully present in conversations and inability to relax into/enjoy a date like this one. Even within my normal social life I've not been opening WhatsApp for weeks at a time because I can't be bothered to converse. Before the pandemic I would be responsive on WhatsApp multiple times a day, every day. Didn’t really reflect on this until now!

Taken a lot from everyone's thoughts and contributions, thanks for all your insight!

Hold on. You only messaged him less than 24 hrs ago. You've given up too fast. Slow down. He may respond later tomorrow or the day after. Work stress can cause burn out. If you need to relax a bit more, take the time today and do that. I hardly open WhatsApp, once a day or once every other day. I also have group chats ongoing but won't respond most of the time as I'm not much of a texter.

[Starry_eyed]

5 hours ago, glows said:

Hold on. You only messaged him less than 24 hrs ago. You've given up too fast. Slow down. He may respond later tomorrow or the day after. Work stress can cause burn out. If you need to relax a bit more, take the time today and do that. I hardly open WhatsApp, once a day or once every other day. I also have group chats ongoing but won't respond most of the time as I'm not much of a texter.

He's sent two messages via dating app since we met on Monday, feels like things have come to a standstill. If I'm wrong and he does get in touch expressing interest to meet, I'd probably meet. If he doesn't, I think I feel more indifferent as our interaction is less fresh now.

I have very recently wondered if I'm heading in direction of burnout, if I'm not there already. I can't take time off work without it massively impacting my organisation at the moment but I'm starting to think I need to, even if it comes at a significant cost. Plenty to think about!

Edited October 1, 2021 by Starry_eyed

[glows]

7 hours ago, Starry_eyed said:

He's sent two messages via dating app since we met on Monday, feels like things have come to a standstill. If I'm wrong and he does get in touch expressing interest to meet, I'd probably meet. If he doesn't, I think I feel more indifferent as our interaction is less fresh now.

I have very recently wondered if I'm heading in direction of burnout, if I'm not there already. I can't take time off work without it massively impacting my organisation at the moment but I'm starting to think I need to, even if it comes at a significant cost. Plenty to think about!

That seems reasonable. I used to take 10-15 min walks around the building I used to work at. Pre-covid times people just think you're on your way to another meeting. Anyway, fingers crossed for you but even if you don't hear from him, see if there are other matches.

[Starry_eyed]

Update - he replied this morning saying he's working 8am-8pm until Sunday but would be happy to make us dinner at his if I feel comfortable. Otherwise next week. Not sure if I do feel comfortable to go round to his place yet but that's sweet for him to offer despite his working schedule. I might wait until next week or maybe could suggest I bring him some food and we sit somewhere near his home

[glows]

Good to hear. If you're not sure think about it for a few hours and don't reply right away or agree to something you're not comfortable with. Thank him but suggest a restaurant for dinner if you don't want to go over to his place or bring him food if you like - whatever you feel most comfortable with.