Text Text Text . No Date

[dramafreezone]

3 hours ago, Crazelnut said:

I have some thoughts about the whole hypergamy thing, but I figure I'll get a few flames for it. Most men aren't looking for an equal partner in every sense; they're looking for a caretaker and homemaker. They're visual, so looks are more important than income, earning potential, or ambition. Their standards are different, if not lower. 

I won't flame.  But why do you think that being a caretaker and homemaker is a lesser responsibility?  I think it's as important as contributing by being in the workforce.  Both support the other.  That said, if someone doesn't want to do it, they shouldn't.  Conversely, people shouldn't think that they have to be the in workforce if that's not an internal motivation for them.

I don't think having two breadwinners makes for a better marriage or "partnership."  In that case you have redundant attributes instead of complementary, and invariably the home, upbringing of children suffers to some extent.  I'm perfectly fine if a woman enjoys being in the workforce, climing the corporate ladder.  As long as that brings her joy, all the better.  But if she thinks that makes her a more attractive women, or it should, then I just think that's misguided thinking.

Why don't we just stick to men and women are different and we value different things?  It's not a better or worse, it just is the way it is.  Again, for anyone who has a problem with it, talk to the big man upstairs, he made men and women value certain things in the other.

Edited October 9, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

No he sent me a voice note after about the second message. I didn’t prompt him. 

Oh. I misunderstood. I thought this was someone you've been texting with for awhile now.

The context you provided afterwords now it makes more sense.

 

 

 

[Calmandfocused]

Erm … would you bother dating someone whose only been single 2/3 weeks after a mere 2 month relationship? This is a massive red flag to me. Anyone else think this is a bit dodgy? 
 

 

[divegrl]

Wouldn’t really call 2 months a relationship. You barely know someone. 
 

Any other flags?

[Weezy1973]

17 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Erm … would you bother dating someone whose only been single 2/3 weeks after a mere 2 month relationship? This is a massive red flag to me. Anyone else think this is a bit dodgy? 
 

 

Why is this a flag? Two months is not really even a relationship. It was maybe exclusive dating and then breaking up due to incompatibilities probably. Nothing to worry about.

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

whose only been single 2/3 weeks after a mere 2 month relationship?

Sounds like someone who rotates through a series of casual dating cycles lasting a few weeks.  Gets randy starts the cycle again, etc.

[Trail Blazer]

On 10/9/2021 at 12:52 AM, stillafool said:

Why is this?  What do men not like money?

No, they do.  It's women who don't like men who don't have money in combination with men who don't have money feeling threatened by women who do have money which tells the whole story.

[Trail Blazer]

1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said:

Erm … would you bother dating someone whose only been single 2/3 weeks after a mere 2 month relationship? This is a massive red flag to me. Anyone else think this is a bit dodgy? 
 

 

No, not dodgy at all.  If this person's relationship history is littered with strings of two-month relationships, then yes, that is quite concerning. 

However, two months dating might be a significant milestone in junior high, but in the adult world that's not even enough time to scratch the surface.

The fact that you know this about the person suggests he's somewhat honest. 

You'll only know for sure if he's worth dating once you spend more time with this person, but at this stage there's no red flags from this alone, in my opinion.

[Alpacalia]

Dodgy.

In what sense?

Two months of dating is more like an introduction when it comes to genuinely knowing someone.

[Calmandfocused]

Hi All 

Thanks for your assurances. Yes you’re right- he’s honest at least and I shouldn’t put too much stock in it. 

I think I’m over cautious as I know a lot about narc/ abusive relationships and I know that these guys cannot be on their own and hence are professional Monkey Branchers. But that won’t apply to all and it’s wrong for me to assume at this point. 

Anyway: 

The voice note guy face time called me last night. I also have a date arranged with someone else. This one said “maybe we can meet in the future” I was all over that and said “ yes I’d love to meet, when are you free? ” We have progress folks! 

Edited October 10, 2021 by Calmandfocused

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Calmandfocused said:

.I think I’m over cautious as I know a lot about narc/ abusive relationships. 

Agree. You don't seem ready to date and that's why stalling appeals to you when, in fact, it's a red flag.

Perhaps you are just lonely and texting and all these other lateral moves seem safe to you. No real chance of getting involved or hurt when it's a go-nowhere situation from the start.

Keep in mind, unavailable people seek out other unavailable people. That's not really dating, it's just keeping busy.

[Crazelnut]

22 hours ago, chillii said:

 

Well here's one flame , that's so damn generalized it speaks for no one but your own.

Not mine. I didn't marry one of these types, and of course it's generalized. It's a generalization. 

[salparadise]

On 10/9/2021 at 12:52 PM, Calmandfocused said:

What do you think my expectation should be on this one? When should I suggest a call/ date? I don’t want to be too OTT, being too quick to proceed will not be perceived favourably in my opinion. 

Well, you’re clearly sensitized to any delay in being asked out, and you’re right about being too aggressive (strong inferences that you desire to be asked) not working in your favor. I think you have three good options:  a) you ask for a simple meet and greet (a drink perhaps), b) you ask for the date, suggest the time and place, and pick up the check, c) practice patience and just unmatch anyone who you believe is taking too long… understanding that you’ll be doing quite a bit of that given your intolerance. Personally I think a is your best option because it puts you in control without having to plan or pay for a date. 

[poppyfields]

12 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

The voice note guy face time called me last night. I also have a date arranged with someone else. This one said “maybe we can meet in the future” I was all over that and said “ yes I’d love to meet, when are you free? ” We have progress folks! 

Deleted, I think I misinterpreted this post! 

Edited October 10, 2021 by poppyfields

[Dis]

That's so great Calm! 

 

Keep an open mind/heart and please don't let your past experiences or things you've heard from others deter you from connecting with them! (I'm trying to keep this in mind too) 

 

Best of luck!  

[Calmandfocused]

Update..

So I took al your advice, I took control and I had 2 dates at the weekend. 
 

The first date went really well, I had a really good time but he wasn’t for me. That was that. 
 

The second date was amazing. It couldn’t have gone any better. We practically spent the whole day (not evening) together. 
 

When we parted ways he pretty much text straight away and the vibe felt good …
 

Since the date he’s been blowing up my phone telling me the ins and outs of his life, asking about mine blah blah blah …I confirm at least twice that I do want to see him again and then ….. the subject is dropped. 
 

So here I am yet again with a man pursuing me relentlessly via a mobile phone but is not making plans to see me again. 
 

I know he’s very busy this week but even as I write this I know it’s an excuse. If he really wanted to see me again he would be making sure that happens right? 
 

So how long should I indulge this nonsense with this guy? Another day? another week?  If no sniff of a date at this point disappear? 
 

I feel like I’m doing all the work here loveshackers. 
 

Again I’m back to what is the point? If you don’t want me, stop contacting me! … sorry I’m finding this all very frustrating. 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said:

So how long should I indulge this nonsense with this guy? Another day? another week?  If no sniff of a date at this point disappear? 

Give him till Thursday evening to come up with a date invitation for the weekend. 

I had 2-3 days of videocam with this man I met on FB. He told me Friday is his day off but nothing about meeting. I hinted *you got to find something exciting to do wink wink*, he doesn't catch the hint and says he doesn't know yet what he'll do......I sent him a picture of 2 cups of coffee!!! and he replied with 'thank you' lol. If he doesn't came up with an invitation by Friday I drop him. 

[ASG]

You had a date a couple of days ago and are disappointed you haven't had another date, when you know the guy is busy?

I mean... that seems a little bit overkill to me. 

He might also be busy at the weekend. 

If it were me, I'd want to make sure I was fully available, not looking at my watch, in terms of time.

So I'd give him a few more days! 

And you can ask him if he's thinking of asking you out again!  

[poppyfields]

I think you and Gaeta are being too intense about this.  It's online dating, chill.  You're multi-dating, you should have many options or at least a few.

I don't get why you need to "give him until Thursday," just go ahead and make other plans now if you want, there is no need to be waiting around for some man you met once to ask you out again.  If he asks you out for the weekend and you have made plans, politely tell him you have made other plans and offer an alternative.  There is no need to become bitter and resentful about it.

I also don't see why you have to "drop him" if he doesn't ask you out again within your own self-imposed timeline.

That's too intense.

Ideally you are talking to a few men, meeting, you should have at least a few options.  Including men you meet in real life.  

There is no need to be "dropping" anyone if you had a good time.  This "blocking and deleting" and dismissing if they don't ask you out within a certain time is nuts imo.  It's too intense. 

It reflects you are too invested in the process, in the outcome.  Versus relaxing and enjoying the process!

I hate to say, but it also reflects desperation.  Like you are so desperate to connect and embark on a relationship, you become inflexible and dismiss anyone who doesn't meet your rigid standards in that regard.

Stay busy, live your life, meet and date other men, keep it OPEN.  Maybe he will ask you out again, maybe he won't.

My advice is try to relax, and become more open and flexible.   Have fun with it! 

 

 

Edited October 19, 2021 by poppyfields

[Calmandfocused]

7 hours ago, ASG said:

You had a date a couple of days ago and are disappointed you haven't had another date, when you know the guy is busy?

Hi ASG

No, I’m disappointed that he hasn’t even hinted that he wants to see me again. I feel a bit in limbo. 
 

Meanwhile he’s contacting me all the time. 

[Calmandfocused]

7 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I think you and Gaeta are being too intense about this.  It's online dating, chill.  You're multi-dating, you should have many options or at least a few.

I don't get why you need to "give him until Thursday," just go ahead and make other plans now if you want, there is no need to be waiting around for some man you met once to ask you out again.  If he asks you out for the weekend and you have made plans, politely tell him you have made other plans and offer an alternative.  There is no need to become bitter and resentful about it.

I also don't see why you have to "drop him" if he doesn't ask you out again within your own self-imposed timeline.

That's too intense.

Ideally you are talking to a few men, meeting, you should have at least a few options.  Including men you meet in real life.  

There is no need to be "dropping" anyone if you had a good time.  This "blocking and deleting" and dismissing if they don't ask you out within a certain time is nuts imo.  It's too intense. 

It reflects you are too invested in the process, in the outcome.  Versus relaxing and enjoying the process!

I hate to say, but it also reflects desperation.  Like you are so desperate to connect and embark on a relationship, you become inflexible and dismiss anyone who doesn't meet your rigid standards in that regard.

Stay busy, live your life, meet and date other men, keep it OPEN.  Maybe he will ask you out again, maybe he won't.

My advice is try to relax, and become more open and flexible.   Have fun with it! 

 

 

Thanks Poppy. 
 

I see your point but at the same time I don’t want to be wasting my time Poppy. I’d rather be directing my attention to men who want to date with an ultimate goal to find a relationship like I do. Anything else is a waste of time IMO. I may as well be “texting” a man who lives the other side of the world, 
 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Calmandfocused said:

. I’d rather be directing my attention to men who want to date with an ultimate goal to find a relationship like I do. Anything else is a waste of time.I may as well be “texting” a man who lives the other side of the world, 

Agree. He seems like a timewaster at best. Good plan to focus on the ones who want to meet in a timely fashion.

[Calmandfocused]

7 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Give him till Thursday evening to come up with a date invitation for the weekend. 

I had 2-3 days of videocam with this man I met on FB. He told me Friday is his day off but nothing about meeting. I hinted *you got to find something exciting to do wink wink*, he doesn't catch the hint and says he doesn't know yet what he'll do......I sent him a picture of 2 cups of coffee!!! and he replied with 'thank you' lol. If he doesn't came up with an invitation by Friday I drop him. 

Oh Gaeta I had to laugh reading this. Yep I’m in the same boat entirely. 
 

I think guys like this just want to talk to women, get the validation, In which case chat rooms, not dating sites would be the better option. Please let me know what happens here. 

[SumGuy]

17 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Update..

....I know he’s very busy this week but even as I write this I know it’s an excuse. If he really wanted to see me again he would be making sure that happens right? 

Agree and disagree, depends on what it is...some busy consumes most of your waking day and some most of your emotional energy.  For example, those in large companies, the quarter just ended so now it is report out to execs and/or shareholders.   Others, the change of season can add a huge work load on their business.  Children and parental care can also be consuming.

Nevertheless, when I was first dating my GF would make time to see her (even with work and kid demands) would proactively carve out time.  It wasn't hard to do either, it wasn't work as wanted nothing more to see her again.  So bottom line, unless he has some all consuming type thing...what's his deal?  

My view if he is a long term keeper, just mention to him what you would like (kindly) re making plans.  A chill guy won't get bent out of shape and a "can do" guy will step up.

Not sure how common this is amongst men in general, or if it is a picker/filter thing.  Me and all my male friends who do/did OLD asked women out, never left them waiting or wondering.  Maybe that is why they all did well (regardless of money, height or weight).

[Calmandfocused]

1 hour ago, SumGuy said:

Agree and disagree, depends on what it is...some busy consumes most of your waking day and some most of your emotional energy.  For example, those in large companies, the quarter just ended so now it is report out to execs and/or shareholders.   Others, the change of season can add a huge work load on their business.  Children and parental care can also be consuming.

Nevertheless, when I was first dating my GF would make time to see her (even with work and kid demands) would proactively carve out time.  It wasn't hard to do either, it wasn't work as wanted nothing more to see her again.  So bottom line, unless he has some all consuming type thing...what's his deal?