Text Text Text . No Date

[Daisydooks]

On 10/1/2021 at 11:19 AM, poppyfields said:

You know what Calm?  His response was snarky as hell, I would not have even responded to that.  And am curious how you did respond. 

No need to explain, stop texting with him, automatic next. 

My suggestion is, given your style preferring that men initiate and lead, continue hinting/giving a green light.   I used to want same so not judging you for it at all.

If/when you encounter resistance, or worse, sarcasm/snark like this guy did, immediate next.

EDIT:  I still cant believe his snark response.  What I would have wanted to say in response is "what's up your arse?" lol but I'm too polite for that so would have ignored and nexted. 

I probably would have nexted him as well at my age now. Not because Im polite but because I like avoiding headaches and confrontational crap. Haha

In my younger years I would have said something along the lines of "yes, because Im not looking for a pen pal. I also have zero interest in being a text buddy with a married man who squeezes me in when his wife is busy." It sounds butthurt to respond that way, so I wouldnt now, but I can definitely see my younger, more feisty self responding in such a way. Hahaha 

[dramafreezone]

3 hours ago, SumGuy said:

A guy here, and can say yes there are men who are put off by successful women, and plenty who are not.  Question is do you have a preference? 

Also why would you want to hide your success to attract a man who is put off by success?  It will only cause issues later.  Guess it depends on what you are after.  In my expereince such men don't come around, as being put off is some fundamental emotional thing not rational thought, they have no problems regaling you with all the reasons successful women are not feminine, demanding, ad nauseum.

Those guys that are put off by successful women aren't in her dating pool anyway for the most part.  She said herself that she wants a guy that can financially support themselves.  I think this idea that she's scaring off potential men is overstated.

I agree it's unnecessary to hide her job from a guy.  For the guys I think she wants to date I don't think it's a part of the calculation.  I wouldn't care one way or the other if she makes $150k or $50k.  If what she does gives her vitality and purpose, great, but I don't think it is usually a plus or a minus for a guy that's doing well already. 

I think a potential problem is the numbers game.  The more successful a woman is, the smaller her dating pool gets if she wants a man that can financially support themselves.  I don't think many women making $150k are going to be happy with a man working at a gas station making $35k.  On the other hand a guy could make well into six figures and be perfectly happy dating a waitress, bartender, hair dresser, Starbucks barista, pro sports cheerleader.   Call it shallow or whatever but it's for the most part true.

[Weezy1973]

12 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

 Call it shallow or whatever but it's for the most part true.

It’s hypergamy. Approximately 71% of women want a man that earns equal or more than them compared to approximately 25% of men that want the same. And yes by definition if a woman wants a man that earns the same or more, the more she makes the fewer options she has. 

Edited October 8, 2021 by Weezy1973

[stillafool]

23 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

the more she makes the fewer options she has. 

Why is this?  What do men not like money?

Edited October 8, 2021 by stillafool

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

Why is this?  What do men not like money?

Just percentages. If a woman is a top 5% earner for example and she wants a man that is equal or higher that leaves her only 5% of the male population to choose from based on income alone. 

[dramafreezone]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

Why is this?  What do men not like money?

I think you're misunderstanding what I'm saying.

The more a woman makes, the less likely SHE is to date a man that makes significantly less than her.  Do you see very many women VPs, directors, seriously dating waiters, mechanics?  If people look hard enough, they can always find exceptions to the rule and some people will point to those exceptions and say "HA see you're wrong, high acheiving women do date normal guys."

I'm talking about the rule, not the exception.   More often you see high acheiving women with high acheiving men when it comes to long term relationships.  Maybe there is something to the fact that working class men are "threatened" but for the most part the women don't even see those guys as viable options.  The trend is not as consistent the other way around.  A high acheiving man will have no problem dating a woman making $30k, $40k.  It's not that he doesn't like money, but he has his own, so how much is hers going to change his quality of life?

Even with celebirty women, obviously they don't all date celebrity men but go and see how many of them date TV/movie directors, doctors, lawyers, still high achveiving men. 

I don't think it's all about money either,  I think high acheiving women value education a great deal, they want to raise educated children obviously (if they want children).  Higher education tends to correlate with higher earnings.

Edited October 8, 2021 by dramafreezone

[elaine567]

6 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

A high acheiving man will have no problem dating a woman making $30k, $40k.  It's not that he doesn't like money, but he has his own, so how much is hers going to change his quality of life?

Also high achieving men tend to like to be "in charge", in fact many men do, high achieving or not and that is more difficult, if she earns more money, has a better job or runs a bigger business than he does.
He can order a barista around, he will find it more difficult to order a barrister around...

[dramafreezone]

14 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Also high achieving men tend to like to be "in charge", in fact many men do, high achieving or not and that is more difficult, if she earns more money, has a better job or runs a bigger business than he does.
He can order a barista around, he will find it more difficult to order a barrister around...

I don't disagree with that.  A large part of it is about power.

But I don't think it's all about ordering her around or anything like that.  I think there are women that don't care to have the power.  And that's not just a woman thing, there are some men that would prefer the woman be the "alpha."

Edited October 8, 2021 by dramafreezone

[stillafool]

41 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

I don't think it's all about money either,  I think high acheiving women value education a great deal, they want to raise educated children obviously (if they want children).  Higher education tends to correlate with higher earnings.

Well don't high earniing men value education and also want to raise educated children?

[Weezy1973]

22 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Well don't high earniing men value education and also want to raise educated children?

About 25% of men are hypergamous compared to 71% of women, just for context. So some men want their partner to be equal (or higher) when it comes to their career, education etc. but most don’t. This is specific to their partner though, nothing to do with kids. 
 

Most parents I know support the aspirations and natural talents of their children. Sometime that means higher education and sometimes it doesn’t. 

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Well don't high earniing men value education and also want to raise educated children?

Of course they do.  But for whatever reason, we just see a much stronger trend with high acheiving women seeking equally high acheiving men (professionally), than we do the other way around.  The evidence would suggest that men don't value professional success in women as highly as women do in men.  IMO, it's not that men don't like it or are repelled, but it just doesn't add much to attraction.

I don't have a great answer as to why things are the way they are, other than the simple explanation that men and women are fundamentally different creatures.  You'll have to take it up with the big man upstairs, I didn't make things the way they are, but we can't deny that they are that way.

Edited October 8, 2021 by dramafreezone

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

Of course they do.  But for whatever reason, we just see a much stronger trend with high acheiving women seeking equally high acheiving men (professionally), than we do the other way around.  The evidence would suggest that men don't value professional success in women as highly as women do in men.  IMO, it's not that men don't like it or are repelled, but it just doesn't add much to attraction.

I don't have a great answer as to why things are the way they are, other than the simple explanation that men and women are fundamentally different creatures.  You'll have to take it up with the big man upstairs, I didn't make things the way they are, but we can't deny that they are that way.

Bolded, I have read and heard same as well.  From men.

[chillii]

Men and most l've ever known, it's all been hashed out around here 100 times already anyway, care about her qualities as partner. The person she is , the personality she is , what sort of a wife she'll be and the way they're treated and loved , the type of love she has and shows, well l for one and 90% of the guys l've ever known do anyway. As said around here many times these women often have chips on their shoulders and lack in those qualities men really love in women.

And she's already weighing up the pay packet and status before they've even begun , even that alone is in 90% of women threads round here if money comes up. Most men couldn't give two rats about any of that. Not all l suppose , but most are far more concerned about her than any of that.  Same with education and blah blah blah.

But there are so many other so obvious angles to this sort of thing too l have trouble believing they can't even be seen in these threads. l suppose it comes back to as it usually does , women so often just don't understand what makes men tick.

Edited October 8, 2021 by chillii

[chillii]

l hate to use movies as any kind of reference usually , as so many do around here yet usually it's ridiculous bc they are just movies , la la land.

But what do you think That movie pretty women is about , or that show the nanny. ? Why do you think those men fell in love ?

You think it has one iota to do with money or education or status or some warped thinking in that they need to be able to tell her what to do, l just mean wt.?

Edited October 8, 2021 by chillii

[Dis]

I usually took it upon myself to initiate a date after a few messages were exchanged and there was a baseline connection 

 

And when I did, the guys were always surprised I asked and they were all for it. I think men on dating apps are hesitant to ask too soon in fear of scaring women away because from what I've heard, it's the women who like to chat for extended periods of time so they can feel 'safer' about going out on a date 

 

I think that's a big mistake because if you don't click in person what's the point of all the texting, as you said, Calm 

 

Ask these guys out. Of course they need to be proactive too and when you initiate a date you can phrase it in such a way where they know they need to pick the place and take it from there. That's what I did and it worked well. Men on OLD sometimes just need that green light. 

[Alpacalia]

On 9/29/2021 at 10:44 AM, Calmandfocused said:

I’m gobsmacked at how many men want to text text text, morning, noon and night and yet appear to have no interest in going on an actual date. This goes on for weeks sometimes …in which case I get very bored, and hence move on. 

Well, you can only decide whether or not a man's texting behavior is appropriate for you.

Do you ever talk on the phone with any of them?

If you're hesitant to suggest meeting up, you might say something like, "Hi, thanks for the puppy photos and the fun texts, I'm sure I'd enjoy hearing your voice even more ."

Perhaps if you've established a rapport with each other over the phone, you'll feel more comfortable initiating a meet and greet.

The alternative, is to just not respond.

Edited October 9, 2021 by Alpaca

[Crazelnut]

I have some thoughts about the whole hypergamy thing, but I figure I'll get a few flames for it. Most men aren't looking for an equal partner in every sense; they're looking for a caretaker and homemaker. They're visual, so looks are more important than income, earning potential, or ambition. Their standards are different, if not lower. 

[Calmandfocused]

5 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Well, you can only decide whether or not a man's texting behavior is appropriate for you.

Do you ever talk on the phone with any of them?

If you're hesitant to suggest meeting up, you might say something like, "Hi, thanks for the puppy photos and the fun texts, I'm sure I'd enjoy hearing your voice even more ."

Perhaps if you've established a rapport with each other over the phone, you'll feel more comfortable initiating a meet and greet.

The alternative, is to just not respond.

You make some great points thank you. 
 

To answer your question yes I prefer to talk on the phone rather than text. And I prefer having a conversation on the phone first prior to a date. However that is also a challenge- I can’t get past the texts. 

[Calmandfocused]

Saying that one guy has just recently sent me some voice notes. I’m impressed! He’s the only one that’s done that so far. 
 

I asked him how to do it and I sent him one back myself. Look at that for progress

[chillii]

17 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

I have some thoughts about the whole hypergamy thing, but I figure I'll get a few flames for it. Most men aren't looking for an equal partner in every sense; they're looking for a caretaker and homemaker. They're visual, so looks are more important than income, earning potential, or ambition. Their standards are different, if not lower. 

 

Well here's one flame , that's so damn generalized it speaks for no one but your own.

[Alpacalia]

48 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

You make some great points thank you. 
 

To answer your question yes I prefer to talk on the phone rather than text. And I prefer having a conversation on the phone first prior to a date. However that is also a challenge- I can’t get past the texts. 

You're very welcome!

47 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Saying that one guy has just recently sent me some voice notes. I’m impressed! He’s the only one that’s done that so far. 
 

I asked him how to do it and I sent him one back myself. Look at that for progress

So you hinted at a call and he sent you voice notes?

I'm not sure that warrants a response on your part.

Or, if you do decide to respond, maybe say something along the lines of  "I liked hearing your voice. Do you chat with a live voice?" "Or, are you a clever little robot?" 

 

 

Edited October 9, 2021 by Alpaca

[Wiseman2]

54 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Saying that one guy has just recently sent me some voice notes. I’m impressed! 

If someone is not planning dates, voice notes are more of the same nonsense as endless texting. It's canned and as distant as texting

[Calmandfocused]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

You're very welcome!

So you hinted at a call and he sent you voice notes?

I'm not sure that warrants a response on your part.

Or, if you do decide to respond, maybe say something along the lines of  "I liked hearing your voice. Do you chat with a live voice?" "Or, are you a clever little robot?" 

 

 

No he sent me a voice note after about the second message. I didn’t prompt him. 

[Calmandfocused]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

If someone is not planning dates, voice notes are more of the same nonsense as endless texting. It's canned and as distant as texting

Point taken. He hasn’t asked me out on a date yet but then we only matched yesterday and he’s got his children today. I do need to be a little patient. 
 

What do you think my expectation should be on this one? When should I suggest a call/ date? I don’t want to be too OTT, being too quick to proceed will not be perceived favourably in my opinion. 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

What do you think my expectation should be on this one? 

If there's no suggestion to meet within a week or so, delete and block him and move forward.